Only bigger women have been into me.

[TheBigQuestion]

SD, I'm just going to give my insights on your "problem" here. Everyone else has the energy to give you more holistic advice, but right now, I'm sorely lacking in that department.

 

Overweight/obese women are typically more aggressive in their dealings with men, mostly out of necessity. They will make their interest much more obvious, and unlike most women, they will frequently pursue men. This is the simple reason why you perceive only bigger women being into you. For a man to find his physical equal (or someone that surpasses him), pursuit is necessary. Even if the hot girl with the killer ass is into you, chances are she won't really do much to let you know it. This is where being able to read and mirror body language comes in. What you describe tends to be the norm for most men. Rare is the guy who actually gets good looking women hitting on him unprovoked.

 

 

I've been in two long term relationships. I'm currently on my second one. There was a 3.5 year gap in which I for the most part actively avoided relationships. Those years encompassed my last two years of college and the year after afterward. I was in a pretty party-hearty atmosphere during that time. I've been with a handful of very good looking women. Guess how many of them made their interest obvious. Now guess how frequently I had an overweight chick whispering nasty sh** in my ear at the end of the night. These are not rhetorical requests.

 

You're wrong when you say that overweight and obese women are your physical equals. They aren't. You're in decent shape, and you aren't a featherweight boxer, so there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be involved with women who weigh more than you. There is nothing wrong with your physical standards, and really, your height is not that much of a detriment either. Learning how to assertively attract women is your best bet for determining who else might be attracted to you. I echo the advice people here have given to make an honest attempt at expanding your social network. I can ASSURE you that it makes worlds of difference as far as meeting women is concerned.

[KraftDinner]

Ugh, I just hit 'post reply' and somehow it quotes? Wth? Anyway.

 

OP, you've said that if you can get into a decent relationship you will be happy. Thing is, a person takes all their insecurities and issues into relationships with them. I just mean...just being in a decent relationship doesn't guarantee happiness.

 

Fact of the matter is that big chip on your shoulder is going to make any relationship stressful.

 

In any case, this is a serious question: what are you looking for here? People to agree that you've been dealt a bum deal? I think you have. Sounds like you aren't very attractive. That is a problem and I'm sorry. It is a handicap. The world isn't fair and that sucks. I'm not being facetious.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure telling someone to work on his social skills is all that productive. Is that really something that someone beyond teenage years can actually work on? I feel like you either have them or you don't at this point.

 

Ok, so OP doesn't. And he's not very attractive. And isn't interested in advice. OP, if you're looking for sympathy, you've got mine. I'm not being sarcastic.

 

 

One thing I need to point out, I'm not the only guy in the class.

 

Do any of you think the other guys are chatting up the fat girls?

 

Small number of thin girls pretty girls? I think there's about 20 girls in the class, four or so are overweight. With so many girls in the room, do you think any of the girls care that some dude isn't talking to the fat girls?

 

If a fat girl is standing next to a thin girl, I will engage both of them in conversation equally, though I will look for opportunities to talk to the thin girl by herself.

 

BTW, when I'm dancing, no matter who it's with, I try to make sure they're having fun. The more fun she has, the more fun I have.

[LittlePrince]

I don't know why, but over the course of my life, only obese women have been interested in me.

 

I'm white/Cuban (look primarily white), 5'6, 155lbs with an average build.

 

The girls have been a variety of races and they've all been shorter than me and heavier.

 

Back in my early 20's I briefly dated a bigger girl. I was very desperate and thought it would be better than nothing. I tried to force it to work. Despite me not saying anything, she knew I wasn't attracted to her, and it obviously upset her. The relationship, if I can even all it that, only lasted a few weeks.

 

Somebody said that by not dating obese women, I'm choosing to be single. It's the same thing as going to an event for the evening and the only thing available for dinner is your least favorite food (which you never chose to dislike.) Sure you have the choice of having the dish or going hungry, but it's certainly not a fair one. It's a dilemma.

 

So yes, I'd rather be single than be with a woman I have zero attraction to. I'm not desperate enough to make myself and another person suffer through a horrible relationship.

Stop using baconnaise as an aftershave.

[somedude81]

In any case, this is a serious question: what are you looking for here?

This thread?

 

TheBigQuestion pretty much covered everything.

 

It mainly was my question about only having overweight women show interest in me.

 

He also pointed out that no matter how attractive I become, it would be very rare to have the thin women make their interest obvious. Which makes me wonder that there may be some thin girls that I know who are into me, but I just can't see it. Sigh...

 

I really do need to learn how to "assertively attract women."

OP, you've said that if you can get into a decent relationship you will be happy. Thing is, a person takes all their insecurities and issues into relationships with them. I just mean...just being in a decent relationship doesn't guarantee happiness.

 

Fact of the matter is that big chip on your shoulder is going to make any relationship stressful.

As I said before, it's something I need to experience for myself.

[Meeks7]

As I said before, it's something I need to experience for myself.

 

You've been saying this same line for 18 years now.

 

What are you doing to see to it that that "experience" finally happens for you? You turn down all kinds of dating/social opportunities. If I were you I would be looking into group meet-ups, activity groups, OLD, even speed dating.

 

For God's sake, I'd just get out of the house and force myself to interact with people. All this LS posting is doing is add to your immense mental masturbation

[LittlePrince]

All this LS posting is doing is add to your immense mental masturbation

Don't speak too loudly. Everyone might hear you.

[somedude81]

You've been saying this same line for 18 years now.

 

What are you doing to see to it that that "experience" finally happens for you? You turn down all kinds of dating/social opportunities. If I were you I would be looking into group meet-ups, activity groups, OLD, even speed dating.

 

For God's sake, I'd just get out of the house and force myself to interact with people. All this LS posting is doing is add to your immense mental masturbation

How's that new hobby coming along?

[TheBigQuestion]

How's that new hobby coming along?

 

He has a point though. What HAVE you tried? How long have you stuck with it? Why, in your opinion, did it (whatever "it" is) did not work?

[Lonely Ronin]

I echo the advice people here have given to make an honest attempt at expanding your social network. I can ASSURE you that it makes worlds of difference as far as meeting women is concerned.

 

For emphasis, since you seem to have completely ignored this part and focused on the skinny girl might have been into me part.

[Meeks7]

How's that new hobby coming along?

 

Way to avoid the hard issues at hand here, SomeDude.

 

I'm doing pretty well. Got a career flourishing, good friends and a loving girlfriend.

 

I come from a similar background as you, except it happened in my mid 20s. Then I just sucked it up and forced change to happen.

 

You'd think a guy in your shoes would try and listen to people who have been there before, and have succeeded and gone where you one day hope to go. Instead, you cop an attitude and run away when things get too hot and heavy.

 

I'm not the guy here who isn't happy with his life, just remember that.

[LittlePrince]

Way to avoid the hard issues at hand here, SomeDude.

 

I'm doing pretty well. Got a career flourishing, good friends and a loving girlfriend.

 

I come from a similar background as you, except it happened in my mid 20s. Then I just sucked it up and forced change to happen.

 

You'd think a guy in your shoes would try and listen to people who have been there before, and have succeeded and gone where you one day hope to go. Instead, you cop an attitude and run away when things get too hot and heavy.

 

I'm not the guy here who isn't happy with his life, just remember that.

Then why are you here?

 

To say you were in a similar situation is always a stretch no matter how similar you believe things to be.

[Meeks7]

To say you were in a similar situation is always a stretch no matter how similar you believe things to be.

 

 

I was once a girl-obsessing loner. Introvert who questioned my self-worth and judged it based solely on my relationship status. Overanalyzed things to death. Then I discovered the value of friendship and how powerful and liberating it is stepping outside one's comfort zone.

 

I took acting classes, opened up more, and took a mission trip to Africa to work with orphans during the course of a summer (which eventually led me to finding my GF, Beth).

 

The winds of change started when I decided to quit the self-sabotage. The thing is, I still am an introvert, I still love my video games, etc. etc. I didn't quit on the things that brought me joy, but I added healthy moderation into my life.

 

When I stopped kicking myself and cursing the world, and took calculated deliberate action toward positive things... surprise surprise... my life started to turn around. So whenever I read his posts, it's like staring into the mirror of how I used to be. I feel for the dude, but at the same time, after a while it becomes clear some people just talk a good game, but never follow through.

[Necris]

Heh, I really don't know if it would be easier to ask one of the bigger girls if she had a boyfriend. Still seems kind of awkward thinking about it.

 

I guess I could practice but I don't want them to think I'm interested.

 

BTW, I did ask a couple of girls at the dance if the guy they were with was their boyfriend. They just responded that he was a friend. Though the way one was hanging on to the guy later on told me differently.

 

 

Simple. Lack of interest.

 

When I walk into my dance class and see two girls I know, one thin, one bigger. I'm going to walk over to the thin girl and start talking to her.

 

Even when I'm dancing with a bigger girl, I don't have any desire to find out more about them.

 

So is the fact that I ask other girls what they did for the weekend and showing interest in their lives, actually turning them off?

 

Somedude at least some girls seem to like you so you can't complain too much. And 5'4 160lbs doesn't seem bad to me. At first I thought you were talking 5'4 200+lbs.

 

Also I too find it peculiar you only talk to girls you are interested in, I talk to women even if I'm not particularly interested in them as I do like to learn more about them, but it depends on their level of friendliness as well. Now there are some women that may repulse me in some way so I try to keep communication to a minimum but that's rare. Also if a girl rejects me I really do not feel like talking to her anymore.

 

Anyway for your issue it maybe your lack of interest turns them on in some way?

[Eclypse]

Wow, long thread. Firstly, I think Somedude has copped a lot in this thread. Some deservedly, some not.

 

RE: the weight issue. I have trouble with these imperial booby traps, so I had to do a lot of conversions. 5'4 160lb is 163cm and 72kg. That's far from thin for a woman. I don't blame SD for not wanting to date women who aren't appealing to him physically. Who would want to date someone they aren't attracted to? I wish people wouldn't get so wound up on the whole BMI thing. What matters is how one carries their weight, and how much of that is muscle. When I see someone on the street, I don't need their BMI to know if they are thin or not. Just because someone is 24.7 on the BMI scale doesn't automatically make them thin and beautiful.

 

Similar with the piercings. Piercings and tattoos are deal breakers for a lot of people. For me they are. I just think they do not look good at all. SD rejecting someone for their nose ring is the same as a girl rejecting him because he's 168cm tall... the attraction is simply not there and forcing it is not going to work. I'm a firm believer that you shouldn't compromise your principles. I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship with someone who I have zero attraction for. That would be horrible not only for yourself, but also the person you are with. Imagine knowing that the person you are in a relationship with is only with you because they feel they can't get anyone hotter? Not the sort of relationship I'd like to be in.

 

However, I must agree with the others about you refusing to get to know the bigger girls. No matter what your opinions of their appearance they are still human beings and should be treated with the same respect as hot girls. Besides, as was pointed out they likely have a social circle that includes girls of your palate. I have many friends, both male and female and I certainly don't find them all attractive! But I do find them all nice people to be around with, which is why I am friends with them. I think this point has been covered enough, so I won't go into it but it's simple... get friends! Yes you can hide all this from your dating partners initially, but once they get to know you that won't be possible. And a relationship built on a foundation of lies will not be a very long or successful one.

 

You have a lot of problems, that's for sure. I feel for you, I really do. I hate that you are suffering, and it really upsets me that it seems that you haven't progressed one bit since you first joined this website. Surely there has been advice gleaned from these hundreds of threads that you can use? No, you can't magically grow taller, but you can become more assertive. It's hard, believe me I know it's hard, but you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone. Pussyfooting it around for 2 years just isn't going to work. You have to grab the bull by the horns as soon as you can, and you have to know when to step back, when to move on. Your chances with Danielle had evaporated a long time before she cast you adrift. This dance class seems like a good thing. You're in the presence of many attractive women. All it takes is one to say yes, and your life is transformed.

[BubblyBeth]

You have a lot of problems, that's for sure. I feel for you, I really do. I hate that you are suffering, and it really upsets me that it seems that you haven't progressed one bit since you first joined this website. Surely there has been advice gleaned from these hundreds of threads that you can use? No, you can't magically grow taller, but you can become more assertive. It's hard, believe me I know it's hard, but you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone. Pussyfooting it around for 2 years just isn't going to work. You have to grab the bull by the horns as soon as you can, and you have to know when to step back, when to move on. Your chances with Danielle had evaporated a long time before she cast you adrift. This dance class seems like a good thing. You're in the presence of many attractive women. All it takes is one to say yes, and your life is transformed.

 

 

SD, seriously, point blank, why haven't you been more assertive with women in real life since joining LoveShack?

 

What is your reasoning? Why don't you try a bigger variety of avenues? Friends? OLD? Speed dating? Volunteering?

 

The world is so big. Explore it!

[BubblyBeth]

I was once a girl-obsessing loner. Introvert who questioned my self-worth and judged it based solely on my relationship status. Overanalyzed things to death. Then I discovered the value of friendship and how powerful and liberating it is stepping outside one's comfort zone.

 

I took acting classes, opened up more, and took a mission trip to Africa to work with orphans during the course of a summer (which eventually led me to finding my GF, Beth).

 

The winds of change started when I decided to quit the self-sabotage. The thing is, I still am an introvert, I still love my video games, etc. etc. I didn't quit on the things that brought me joy, but I added healthy moderation into my life.

 

When I stopped kicking myself and cursing the world, and took calculated deliberate action toward positive things... surprise surprise... my life started to turn around. So whenever I read his posts, it's like staring into the mirror of how I used to be. I feel for the dude, but at the same time, after a while it becomes clear some people just talk a good game, but never follow through.

 

And I'm proud of ya, honey! I don't want to take SD's topic off topic, but when I met Meeks, I was drawn into his radiance. He simply had a glow about him... I knew he was handling his business and at a good place mentally and financially in life. Simply put SD, he had put in the hard work of upping his overall life resume, and there's nothing sexier than a confident man with a wide variety of goals and life interests.

 

You could learn a thing or two from many posters here, but I see you dismissing posters time after time. I'm thinking maybe you should start up a blog. A message board is for an exchange of ideas... a 2-way street, but you're not looking for tips, are you? Looks like you're looking for validation.

[BubblyBeth]

Way to avoid the hard issues at hand here, SomeDude.

 

I'm doing pretty well. Got a career flourishing, good friends and a loving, ABSOLUTELY DROP DEAD GORGEOUS girlfriend.

 

I come from a similar background as you, except it happened in my mid 20s. Then I just sucked it up and forced change to happen.

 

You'd think a guy in your shoes would try and listen to people who have been there before, and have succeeded and gone where you one day hope to go. Instead, you cop an attitude and run away when things get too hot and heavy.

 

I'm not the guy here who isn't happy with his life, just remember that.

 

 

Fixed

see added bold part, hehe..

[BubblyBeth]

it's simple... get friends! Yes you can hide all this from your dating partners initially, but once they get to know you that won't be possible. And a relationship built on a foundation of lies will not be a very long or successful one.

 

SD, please chew on the quote above. I'll tell you from the female's perspective that a loner is often times looked down upon. Ever hear of the saying "A man's value is shown by the friends he keeps" ? It's true in many regards. If I see someone who has healthy friendships and is comfortable in his own skin, I'm immediately more open to that guy than another similar-looking guy who lacks confidence and has no friends and thus, rusty awkward social skills. Nothing turns a girl off more than a guy who is nervous and unsure of himself. Unless if that guy is a loner on top of that, because that is simply a red flag.

 

Now, there are some girls who don't mind a loner, but they're probably loners themselves. And no, I don't think people are suggesting for you to make many friends... just have ONE ACQUAINTANCE. Start small and go from there. But it seems your isolation all these years has stunted your (social) growth.

 

I'm pretty sure I told you the story already but I met Meeks through Roger, a friend of mine, who led the Africa trip Meeks went on. Meeks and Roger became good friends, and Roger told me about Meeks and how he did X, Y and Z on the African trip. I was really impressed by his heart and just stepping outside of his comfort zone. Giving up a summer of suburban America with all its modern amenities to going to a land where he had to take bucket showers. He didn't do it for money, fame or girls. That was HOT. I love selfless guys like that.

 

Basically, if he stayed home, we never would have met.

 

You like video games, don't you? I do, too. Think of all the great adventure games... wouldn't be a very exciting game if the hero just stayed home all day, right? Also, think about all the friends that join a group in RPGs. They help one another and makes the game a lot more interesting.

 

It's the same in life. Same 2 principles

 

1. Get yourself out there! (i.e. Meeks went to Africa, but you don't have to be so extreme, just get out there!)

 

2. Make connections with people (i.e. social networking can lead you to your GF, like it did for my BF through his Africa trip)

 

It's not rocket science here, SD. It's just a matter of how badly you truly want it. And yes, actions do speak louder than words.

[yongyong]

What are you doing to attract other girls? do you even hit on girls at a bar?

 

I used to get mad when I only got messages by a fat girl on OLD.

(I literally wanted to say 'look at yourself in the mirror')

 

You sound like you are doing nothing and you just get hit on by a fat girl sometimes.

 

Go out and hit on girls. you will be amazed what kind of girls you could get.

(compared to girls I attracted in reality, those fat girls on online are literally garbage grade. yes it makes that much difference by going out and hitting on girls in real life.)

[somedude81]

SD, seriously, point blank, why haven't you been more assertive with women in real life since joining LoveShack?

Since joining this forum I've asked out around 10 girls. Yeah it might seem like a small number but I actually liked most of them and they weren't random girls that I just asked out after meeting them. Some of the girls I was very close to and considered good friends, other girls I only saw in school or work. In the end they all rejected me.

 

Before I ask out a girl, I need to prepare myself for the rejection because I know it's going to come. So when I expect to get rejected, it's a little bit hard to get excited about asking somebody out.

 

Yeah I'm sure I could ask out one of the bigger girls and they'd say yes, it won't do anything go for me.

Now, there are some girls who don't mind a loner, but they're probably loners themselves.

How would these girls even suspect that I was a loner?

What are you doing to attract other girls? Now, there are some girls who don't mind a loner, but they're probably loners themselves.

I'm not doing anything to attract women. I simply don't know how to hit on girls.

 

I just try to be friendly, fun and joke around and talk to girls when I see the opportunity.

 

Obviously it's not enough.

[AlexDP]

Since joining this forum I've asked out around 10 girls. Yeah it might seem like a small number but I actually liked most of them and they weren't random girls that I just asked out after meeting them. Some of the girls I was very close to and considered good friends, other girls I only saw in school or work. In the end they all rejected me.

 

Dating in Europe might be slightly different than in America, but I have never really "dated" girls. It has always been more of a relationship that grew throughout different activities. At first we'd go out with a bunch of friends and the girl would be among them. After a while we'd go out one on one and the relationship just happened. It did always happen rather quickly though and it was pretty easy for me to figure out we were interested in each other, which is why I'm never friendzoned I guess.

 

I met my current girlfriend this way, but we became boyfriend and girlfriend when we were on a trip together. I only started dating her after we were exclusive really.

[LonelyInsomniac]

Honestly, I'm not sure telling someone to work on his social skills is all that productive. Is that really something that someone beyond teenage years can actually work on? I feel like you either have them or you don't at this point.

 

I started therapy in my twenties. I used to be invisible. I used to believe and not even question that I was not entitled to happiness or basic rights.

 

Since then, I've gone from barely speaking to advocating for causes I didn't believe I was worthy of fronting, in front of full auditoriums.

 

I've gone from having friends (whom I didn't really talk to, due to perceived unworthiness) that might as well be on the other side of the country, to having people I enjoy my time with on a regular basis.

 

Needless to say, I've met more women from having good friends, too.

 

Yes, you can develop social skills later in life. Somedude has started with the odds stacked against him. This is true. What it means is, like me, he'll have to work harder to meet the same average.

 

It's worth it.

[xxoo]

I started therapy in my twenties. I used to be invisible. I used to believe and not even question that I was not entitled to happiness or basic rights.

 

Since then, I've gone from barely speaking to advocating for causes I didn't believe I was worthy of fronting, in front of full auditoriums.

 

I've gone from having friends (whom I didn't really talk to, due to perceived unworthiness) that might as well be on the other side of the country, to having people I enjoy my time with on a regular basis.

 

Needless to say, I've met more women from having good friends, too.

 

Yes, you can develop social skills later in life. Somedude has started with the odds stacked against him. This is true. What it means is, like me, he'll have to work harder to meet the same average.

 

It's worth it.

 

Congratulations on making such a big change in your life!

[ilovedhim]

Since joining this forum I've asked out around 10 girls. Yeah it might seem like a small number but I actually liked most of them and they weren't random girls that I just asked out after meeting them. Some of the girls I was very close to and considered good friends, other girls I only saw in school or work. In the end they all rejected me.

 

Before I ask out a girl, I need to prepare myself for the rejection because I know it's going to come. So when I expect to get rejected, it's a little bit hard to get excited about asking somebody out.

 

Yeah I'm sure I could ask out one of the bigger girls and they'd say yes, it won't do anything go for me.

 

How would these girls even suspect that I was a loner?

 

I'm not doing anything to attract women. I simply don't know how to hit on girls.

 

I just try to be friendly, fun and joke around and talk to girls when I see the opportunity.

 

Obviously it's not enough.

 

If you prep yourself for failure, you will fail. Success is very mental. And what people think really does come through during interactions with others. It's that undefinable energy you sense around others but can't really explain.

 

Since you say you know some of these girls you asked out but rejected you... why didn't you ever ask them to be honest with you as to why they rejected you? It's the only way you'll get a definitve answer and start improving yourself.

[KathyM]

If you ask a woman point blank why they are not interested, it's doubtful you'll get an honest answer. They'll be vague and try to spare your feelings. You need to get over the fear of rejection and just start asking these women out who you are striking up conversations with. The worst that could happen is that they'll make up some excuse why they can't go out, such as they have a boyfriend, or you're not their type, or whatever. It's not the end of the world if you get a rejection. But you need to get over this fear of it, and the only way to do that is by forcing yourself to ask for the date. Nevermind about all this stuff you supposedly have to do before asking anyone out. There's no time like the present. You are 31 after all. You don't need all your ducks in a row before trying to date. Just get your feet wet, and start asking women out that you know or who you meet around campus and wherever else you go.