Guess I was the Other Women

[CMH309]

I was dating a man for 8 months. Last Saturday I went through his email because I was suspecting that he was still in contact with a girl he was seeing when we first met. He was. It was a full blown relationship. I contacted the girl and showed her that he was sending the same emails (serious, copy and paste) to both of us on the same days.

 

I left him a voice mail that said we both knew that he was playing us and that I was done. He sent a text saying, I never meant to hurt you. I am sorry. I didn't reply.

 

He is blowing up the other girls phone, stopping by her house, ect. We are both still communicating so I know about everything he does....

 

Anyway, I don't want him back but I can't help to feel so horrible now. It feels like the relationship him and I had was nothing. He's not fighting for me, not contacting me in anyway, not even to apologize.... Most disturbing thing for me? I thought I was the "real" relationship. He had some personal struggles this last month and I was staying at his place with him to help him out.... I don't have a question or anything but would like to hear if anyone else was ever cheated on and then just never heard from the person again. Just trying to make sense of it all I guess.

[alexandria35]

I'm sorry you got hurt that way. You really truly are fortunate that you found out and that the guy is leaving you alone now. I know that knowing that doesn't make it feel any better right now, but the further you put this guy behind you the better you will feel. Stop communicating with the other woman he's been seeing. It's just keeping you involved in the drama and crap that is his life. I understand feeling duped and wanting to understand how this happened to you. There is no real answer for that other than some people are just selfish manipulative users and it sounds like you had the misfortune to become emotionally involved with one of them. Unless he seriously digs deep and makes the effort to change he will never be happy and any woman who gets involved with him will be hurt.

[CMH309]

Thanks for responding. I'm just so confused. Even the other women said they were never "serious" and she didn't care for him. They continue to fight via text and emails. Yelling, screaming, threatening from both of them. I do need to stop responding to her when she tells me these things because it does hurt.

 

Why does he put so much effort into fighting with her.... and with me, nothing.

 

and why does their dysfunction hurt me so much? I know he's a pos but now it just feels like I didn't mean ANYTHING.

[alexandria35]

CMH309, they are doing a dysfunctional dance with each other. People with emotional dysfunction generally seek out and get involved with others who are on their same level. I'm honestly not putting people down here, as many of us have some level of emotional dysfunction within us but there are different degrees of it and we usually match ourselves up with the same degree of dysfunction that we have. So I think the song and dance those two are doing with each other is what feels good and normal to them and that's why their keeping it up instead of just walking away. They are using each other to feed their demons.

 

It has absolutely nothing to do with you or who is better or more desirable. It may even be that he sees you as being too good for this crap. He may think he wouldn't have a chance with you anyways now that you discovered the truth about him. Water seeks it's own level and crazy people generally hook up with other crazy people. They might dabble in a non crazy relationship here and there but that usually isn't very satisfying to them as they crave drama and pain. You feel rejected because he is not fighting for you and trying to hold onto you but it's not personal so don't let it affect you that way. You know you can do better than him. Just work through your feelings now and soon you will see that he was beneath you the whole time.

[Pierre]

Why does he put so much effort into fighting with her.... and with me, nothing.

 

It is way better that he leaves you alone and does not show any interest in you. In this manner you will get over him very quickly. The relationship is over so whether he pines for you or not is moot. If he fought for you then you would suffer for much a longer period of time.

 

 

 

but now it just feels like I didn't mean ANYTHING.

 

Stop it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Your self worth is not dependent on what he feels for you. You are doing the external validation game that is so prevalent in the forum. Screw this guy! Your self worth is all about you. Whether he cares or not does not change you as a person.

 

In reality you should be happy he is not calling. It simply confirms he is a POS and this has nothing to do with you.

 

Be thankful he is gone and does not fight for you. Why would you want this guy to fight for you. The man is worthless!

[ilovedhim]

Sorry you're going through this. I went through a similar situation and that feeling sucks.

 

Mine was a recycled ex from around college. We dated for over a year the second time around, when his other GF emailed me to get answers. I confronted him, he confirmed said he would leave her if I would marry him! Whatever. He ended up marrying her, getting her pregnant. The real kicker is he's still contacting me! I just imagine if that was me: married to this poor excuse of a "man", very pregnant and having him sitting on the couch watching TV next to me and messaging his ex! NO thanks!

 

It doesn't feel like it now but you're lucky he's leaving you alone. NEITHER one of you was the "real" relationship since this guy probably doesn't even know what it means to have one. Be glad you followed your intuition and found out now and not years down the line. And I agree stop contact with both of them. There's no point just added misery.

 

BTW what a complete POS copy+paste the same messages to both of you. He doesn't put forth much effort does he? You deserve better.

[2sure]

He knows how he is, knows that you will not put up with, knows that she will.

Stop talking to her because soon he will blame it all on you and they will get back together.

[freestyle]

Seriously--he copied & pasted?!?!?

 

You didn't just dodge a bullet--you got away from a time bomb.

 

I suspect that's not much help right now, if you're still reeling from the shock.

You had the rug pulled out from under you, very rudely.You were emotionally defrauded.

What a complete weasel.

 

And it has nothing to do with you, or your worth--please don't let yourself go down that road, mentally. It has EVERYTHING to do with him being broken.

Broken, and completely lacking genuine empathy.

 

You didn't just dodge a bullet--you got away from a time bomb.

 

I went through something similar in my late teens-I still remember the pain, clearly. I waited for a guy I was head over heels with, who was in the military. He wrote multiple letters weekly, professing deep, undying love---telling me I was the only one who really understood him. etc.

 

And one day--I saw another girl connected to my social circle--wearing his necklace. I asked her about it, and she confirmed that not only did he send it to her, but he wrote her weekly.

 

That was one of the crappiest things I'd ever felt. Now with the benefit of a few decades of hindsight, and insight--it's good thing I got away from him. The fool is in his 50's now, still chasing multiple women in their 20's, and has never had a successful, meaningful relationship last more than a couple of years.

[whichwayisup]

It's your pride talking, it sucks to feel like you are nothing to someone, but look at it as if you are the lucky one, you really are. You can recover quickly. Don't let that pride of yours go back to get some affirmation to soothe yourself, be glad he is gone and let him stay gone.

 

Your ego is hurting a bit, and also because he didn't choose you.

 

Maybe he has deeper feelings for her. NOT your fault. You did nothing wrong.

 

It is what it is..Just be glad that you found out the truth now and not a year from now when you'd be more deeply in love with him and attached.

[CMH309]

Thanks to all of you. I needed to hear all of this... I feel like I put so much more into this than she and yet, I was the one that didn't mean anything.... I know he is VERY much a loser and I should be happy he is gone, but you all know... We just want something, anything to say that we are validated in our effort... Yes, they will get back together, I've already prepared myself for that. I loved him so much more than I can explain, but in the end I know that I was played for a fool and should just moved on (still hurts that I don't even get an apology... Like I was never even there).

[Pierre]

and yet, I was the one that didn't mean anything....

 

Your self esteem should not be dependent on others. Stop this external validation stuff. This has nothing to do with meaning or not meaning anything. Consider yourself very lucky that he is after the other one. That is a life saver for you.

 

 

We just want something, anything to say that we are validated in our effort...

 

Stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this thinking. Do you realize that women that need this type of validation are easy prey to players.

 

 

I don't even get an apology... Like I was never even there).

 

For the love of God! Who cares about an apology. Why do you need that. Is your self esteem so needy? You need to understand that you are a very lucky woman. You dodged a bullet here.

 

I am concerned about your open desire for validation. Why is that?

[veryhappy]

If you want an apology, you can let him know and see what you get. It doesn't mean it will be genuine. I can relate because I wanted an apology too and I got it. It helped somewhat.

[CMH309]

Yes. I am done. I don't want him back that I am certain (which is why it is a good thing he isn't contacting but nonetheless)...

 

We were at dinner and I saw here name pop up on the screen, I asked him about it that night but he did that thing where they just say you're untrusting and crazy... So I checked that weekend (after I got cocktailed, of course).

 

I have a fairly heathy self-esteem, but it is hurting right now. I will not contact him and ask for an apology because I know he will give it, but I also know it will not mean a damn thing.

 

I don't know why I need/want the validation I shouldn't, I just don't get how he could use me, have me around the boys, make me feel like I was a huge part of his life and then this..... It doesn't seem normal.

[Pierre]

I don't know why I need/want the validation I shouldn't, I just don't get how he could use me, have me around the boys, make me feel like I was a huge part of his life and then this..... It doesn't seem normal.

 

Very nice people assume others are also nice. We judge others from our perspective.

 

Cheating men play on this innocence. And they also play women that need validation. Most cheating men are smooth, charming, and now what to say at all times.