Hot and Cold & Silent Treatment by Men

[NoMoreJerks]

I have met / know quite a lot of men , both as friends and potential (or actual) dates. One thing I have noticed in almost all of the men I know (and I know some of them quite well) is how they always expect to get their way and will resort to giving you the cold / silent treatment when they do not. This is usually thought of as a typical female behaviour. However, I see this A LOT in men. Also, men who blow hot and cold -- are completely loving one minute, go completely cold and act like a stranger the next minute.

 

For the women on this forum: I was wondering if you have noticed this sort of behaviour in a lot of men. I am wondering this ,because at first I thought, maybe I am just unlucky to be meeting this sort of men.. But really, what are the odds that I'm meeting men (in different types of locations) that are unrepresentative of the male population (at least in my city?).

 

For the men on this forum: If you have ever done this sort of thing, I would be curious to know what goes on through your mind, and whether or not you really believe that if you keep up this behaviour, you would get your way, or if you are punishing your gf for not giving you what you wanted (not just talking about sex here btw). Also, I would like to get insights into how/why men do the hot/cold thing so often. Is it that you are stressed by something else, or is it mostly related to something that your gf said or did, that you did not approve of? If it's the latter, why not simply talk about it with her?

[veggirl]

I came across this mostly when I was younger (like early 20s) because I would put up with it. Once i stopped putting up with it, it stopped happening. Honestly if it happens once well okay you can forgive as everyone makes mistakes and all that. But if you "give in" in the sense that the guy pouts and pulls away and you chase...well then you've just taught him to keep doing it because you'll put up with it. Disappear when they do that the first time and hopefully they learn not to try that s.hit with you. If they pull it again, you walk away cause that crap is immature and selfish and certainly not conducive to any type of healthy relationship.

[NoMoreJerks]

I came across this mostly when I was younger (like early 20s) because I would put up with it. Once i stopped putting up with it, it stopped happening. Honestly if it happens once well okay you can forgive as everyone makes mistakes and all that. But if you "give in" in the sense that the guy pouts and pulls away and you chase...well then you've just taught him to keep doing it because you'll put up with it. Disappear when they do that the first time and hopefully they learn not to try that s.hit with you. If they pull it again, you walk away cause that crap is immature and selfish and certainly not conducive to any type of healthy relationship.

True -- putting up with it encourages that sort of behaviour. I do not put up with it. Sometimes they come back after I ignore them , sometimes they don't. Their loss, but I am just curious as to why they do it. The men I am talking about are mostly in their early 30s (or older) -- and a few in their mid-20s. I always thought that was immaturity and would've ended by the time a guy hit 30, but apparently not?

[suladas]

In a way I kinda did once with my ex, on my birthday when she forgot it. I didn't ignore her, but at the same time I was a bit cold and distant that day. And I didn't initiate contact that day, I let her do it which was not the normal. I don't know maybe it was a bit childish? At the time I felt like I shouldn't have to remind my girlfriend when my birthday is especially when a week or so prior she had mentioned it. Other then that i've never done it and I don't like when people do it.

[NoMoreJerks]

In a way I kinda did once with my ex, on my birthday when she forgot it. I didn't ignore her, but at the same time I was a bit cold and distant that day. And I didn't initiate contact that day, I let her do it which was not the normal. I don't know maybe it was a bit childish? At the time I felt like I shouldn't have to remind my girlfriend when my birthday is especially when a week or so prior she had mentioned it. Other then that i've never done it and I don't like when people do it.

Ah, ok. Well, I sympathize with the reason you did it, and I understand that it's awkward to talk about things like "oh you forgot my birthday" because it might sound immature, but isn't it better to do it that anyway, since you ARE kinda letting her know that you are upset about it anyway?

 

My ex did this sort of thing -- he wouldn't initiate texts that day , and even when I did initiate the texting, he would respond very coldly and in short senences, making it look like he didn't want to talk. I would then tell him, you're not very talkative today, guess you are busy. Speak later. He would then pretend he was doing something (like making dinner), and then say, "OK, speak later." To me, that looks a lot like a mind game.

 

A guy I am talking to now, did the same thing.

He lives a bit away from me, so we sometimes hang out on skype and watch a movie together.

 

I messaged him yesterday, asking what he was up to, because he had said that we could watch a movie together yesterday. He said he was watching a TV show, and asked me how my day had been. I said my day had been pretty good. He then called me on Skype and suggested that we watch a movie, if I gave him 5-10 minutes to finish that TV show. I felt like he was just feeling obligated to watch a movie with me, even though he didn't feel like it, so I said, oh no no, it's ok, we can watch the movie some other time, maybe tomorrow, if you are up for it tomorrow... He said OK. He seemed a bit surprised, maybe even disappointed? I don't know. Anyway, he usually texts me in the morning, but I somehow knew that he wouldn't do it this morning... He didn't, so I mssged him saying, "wake up!" I knew he was awake. He then said, oh yeah, I've been awake.. didn't say much after that. So I told him he wasn't very talkative and that we would therefore speak some other time. He did the same thing my ex used to do. Claimed he was prepping breakfast , and said, ok, we will talk later. I am NOT talking to him again.

 

I'm impressed by the level of immaturity.

[suladas]

Ah, ok. Well, I sympathize with the reason you did it, and I understand that it's awkward to talk about things like "oh you forgot my birthday" because it might sound immature, but isn't it better to do it that anyway, since you ARE kinda letting her know that you are upset about it anyway?

 

My ex did this sort of thing -- he wouldn't initiate texts that day , and even when I did initiate the texting, he would respond very coldly and in short senences, making it look like he didn't want to talk. I would then tell him, you're not very talkative today, guess you are busy. Speak later. He would then pretend he was doing something (like making dinner), and then say, "OK, speak later." To me, that looks a lot like a mind game.

 

A guy I am talking to now, did the same thing.

He lives a bit away from me, so we sometimes hang out on skype and watch a movie together.

 

I messaged him yesterday, asking what he was up to, because he had said that we could watch a movie together yesterday. He said he was watching a TV show, and asked me how my day had been. I said my day had been pretty good. He then called me on Skype and suggested that we watch a movie, if I gave him 5-10 minutes to finish that TV show. I felt like he was just feeling obligated to watch a movie with me, even though he didn't feel like it, so I said, oh no no, it's ok, we can watch the movie some other time, maybe tomorrow, if you are up for it tomorrow... He said OK. He seemed a bit surprised, maybe even disappointed? I don't know. Anyway, he usually texts me in the morning, but I somehow knew that he wouldn't do it this morning... He didn't, so I mssged him saying, "wake up!" I knew he was awake. He then said, oh yeah, I've been awake.. didn't say much after that. So I told him he wasn't very talkative and that we would therefore speak some other time. He did the same thing my ex used to do. Claimed he was prepping breakfast , and said, ok, we will talk later. I am NOT talking to him again.

 

I'm impressed by the level of immaturity.

 

Part of the reason is I don't think birthdays are that big of a deal, so I didn't think it would bother me as much as it did actually, but throughout the day every single time someone texted me happy birthday and it wasn't her I got more annoyed. Part of it was because she didn't pick up on it, how 3 times at night I was going out even though I rarely had dinner plans especially that often (I kept my birthday open assuming we'd do something) and how she seen me come home that day with a cake and gifts and stuff. Because we would always talk every single day and knew what the other person was doing. We did end up spending the evening together anyway and I did still get birthday sex, it just felt different that she forgot, I was actually tempted to go out that night with friends to and not be with her. I mean she remembered 2 days after and took me out and made up for it. She did ask after why I didn't just tell her she forgot, it just seemed weird to do.

 

Ya I don't understand that, i've never done that. Even on my birthday if she asked if something was wrong I would of just told her, I wouldn't ignore it or say nothing. I mean by the end of the night I pretty much forgot about it anyways.

 

But actually, my ex did that a few times to me. One time she was sick and didn't want to talk which was understandable but a few other nights was kind of standoffish like that but always talked about it in the morning and was all good. The one thing that blew me away and pissed me off was, 2 days in a row I didn't initiate texting I was kinda busy at work and just didn't. She asked if I was mad at her, etc and I felt bad. So after that every single day I would text her in the morning, sometimes she would take hours to respond a few days wouldn't at all. It was so annoying. At first, it was near 50/50 then she would text first less and less, and eventually stopped texting first.

 

I just don't understand some people.

[Fondue]

I read your replies, NoMoreJerks, and I can't shake the feeling that you are not someone many people are compatible with. What's with that need for constant communication/texts/etc. I think part of the reason why you are getting this hot/cold behavior is because you're literally stay connected with the dude most of the day. Because of this, you guys are putting yourself in situations where you can just piss each other off wayy to easily.

 

I can't imagine needing to text each other every morning. Talking on phone/skype every day, etc. "OMG HE DIDN'T TEXT ME THIS MORNING, SOMETHING MUST BE UP!!!"

 

Good god, I would want to shoot myself if this was a regular thing, a scheduled item on my list of things to do everyday, "must text gf good morning."

 

Sounds dumb. I'm sure there are many different little aspects of your relationships that people like myself would find daunting and simply annoying.

 

I think part of the immaturity you are receiving stems from what you create in that relationship.

 

Do you understand what I mean?

[scratch]

I'm impressed by the level of immaturity.

 

I am impressed by the level of hypocrisy. You are so eager to ascribe negative qualities to the men with whom you deal that you don't seem to pause for a moment to consider your own actions.

 

In the first sentence you advise a man to tell the woman who forgot his birthday to consider telling the woman how he feels. However, your entire situation is centered around how to guess how a man feels, and trying to make him guess how you feel.

 

Have you considered that texting isn't the best way to communicate? It seems to be your go-to method. I have little doubt that if you wanted to talk and the man wanted to text, you wouldn't look at it as a matter of preference, but rather as poor communication on his part. And the idea that you want to read into limited texting as "mind games" is pretty laughable.

 

Personally, watching a movie on Skype seems to be the antithesis of human contact, so perhaps not wanting to do that is nothing personal. You said that you suggested skipping the movie, and didn't talk about it further when he was surprised and disappointed? Yep, clearly you want no part of the mind games.

 

You asked if if you meet a representative sample of men. I think so; most men would feel the instinct to withdraw from an angry, game-playing woman who aggressively seeks to place all blame and find fault with them.

Edited November 17, 2012 by scratch

[Mme. Chaucer]

All they're doing is either showing you that they are not very interested in you, or that they're manipulative and/ or a twerp.

 

You seem to buy into this SO much. It's not worth any time or energy.

 

I don't think that giving the "silent treatment" when one doesn't get what they want is gender related. It's a passive-aggressive move. Certain people use it to try to get what they want.

 

Don't pay any attention to it. If it doesn't work, they'll either give up or you'll give them up because you've discovered that they're basically a spoiled brat.

 

As far as the hot / cold thing … From your past threads here, I feel like you read a lot into various interactions with men in your life that has nothing to do with where they're at. So you are probably constantly in that situation.

 

That whole situation about the Skype movie situation - I read that as you completely cornering a guy you barely know who was probably fairly clueless about what your expectations of him were, and why you were all pissed off and playing weird games all of the sudden. If I were on the receiving end, I would back way off quickly myself. So it's probably for the best that you've decided you won't be talking to that guy again.

Edited November 17, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mme. Chaucer]

Personally, watching a movie on Skype seems to be the antithesis of human contact, so perhaps not wanting to do that is nothing personal.

 

That's what I thought - I would rather do … almost anything than watch a movie on Skype with somebody.

[Pyro]

I have met / know quite a lot of men , both as friends and potential (or actual) dates. One thing I have noticed in almost all of the men I know (and I know some of them quite well) is how they always expect to get their way and will resort to giving you the cold / silent treatment when they do not. This is usually thought of as a typical female behaviour. However, I see this A LOT in men. Also, men who blow hot and cold -- are completely loving one minute, go completely cold and act like a stranger the next minute.

 

For the men on this forum: If you have ever done this sort of thing, I would be curious to know what goes on through your mind, and whether or not you really believe that if you keep up this behaviour, you would get your way, or if you are punishing your gf for not giving you what you wanted (not just talking about sex here btw). Also, I would like to get insights into how/why men do the hot/cold thing so often. Is it that you are stressed by something else, or is it mostly related to something that your gf said or did, that you did not approve of? If it's the latter, why not simply talk about it with her?

 

As far as I know I never engage in that behavior because it is childish.

 

Communication separates us from the animals so we should use it.

 

Guys who do that could be doing it for a number of reasons: poor communication, general lack of maturity, bad parenting growing up, or even they are following some ridiculous PUA tactics that they read about somewhere.

 

You say that this happens with just about every guy that you interact with? You are the common denominator there so perhaps it is something that you are doing or you are just meeting the wrong guys. Just a thought.

[jcrew11]

I've mentioned this before, but Long Distance relationships are not "Real" relationships.

 

They are relationships of convenience, whether for the man or for the woman, or maybe for both.

 

Maybe you think you can have more control and protect yourself from getting emotionally hurt if the man lives far away.

 

But LDR are by nature impersonal and not as effective as having someone to physically talk to. Its a lot easier to ignore and forget about a person if you never see them. Its also easier to find other things to do that are more enjoyable and hang out with friends when your 'girlfriend' lives far away.

 

LDR's are casual relationships, perhaps weekend sex sessions. Unless you find a boyfriend in the same city, you will never know what its like to have a "real" relationship with "real" open and honest communication.

[clia]

People watch movies together over Skype? Seriously? Jesus, what is the world coming to? That sounds awful.

[pinkie]

I've experienced the 'silent treatment' both in a romantic relationship and with family... It's a passive/aggressive move that is used to control/manipulate someone. It is also considered a form of emotional abuse.

 

When on the receiving end of this emotional disconnected behavior, the best thing to do is ignore it or dish it back out. When they realize you aren't gonna chase and beg they usually come around and that's when you can discuss the matter by letting them know it's completely unacceptable. Stand by your word and if it continues, run like the wind. It will only get worse.

[threebyfate]

following some ridiculous PUA tactics that they read about somewhere.

The only guy who ever did this to me, had some PUA background. Annoyingly effeminate behaviour. Turn off.

[Under The Radar]

I've done this (and still do it). There are many reasons why I do it. The most common are:

 

1. I feel disrespected

 

2. I feel taken for granted

 

3. Revenge (because she did it to me!)

 

Also, it boils down to not being too predictable. I've learned that once you become too predictable and reliable with a woman and she starts feeling too comfortable.. she will then start acting like a bitch.

 

I've seen no exceptions to this. Even when I dated a girl much uglier than me... I was very nice to her for a while and eventually she got comfortable enough to start acting bitchy (because she believes I'm not going to leave).

 

So sometimes you have to remind a woman than YES you WILL leave if she doesn't act right. And NO its NOT "all about her".

 

 

I don't agree with ignoring your partner or treating them coldly. It's all about communication and if they are incapable of this then a LTR WILL fail.

 

I do agree that many people become too comfortable in a relationship to the point that the partner is disrespected and /or taken advantage of. That, clearly, is not a recipe for long term success. I have experienced mistreatment at times because I was "too good" and accommodating to someone.

 

The silent treatment IS a form of abuse. It is a "power play" and used as a way to control someone. As others have mentioned, if you "fail" the silent treatment "test" (meaning, you give in to the other person) it will continue in the future, and in all likelihood, become worse. In essence, you would be failing what I like to call "The Spine Test".

 

If someone (male or female) ever resorts to utilizing the silent treatment with you - RUN. We all have our own set of "dealbreakers" in a relationship, but the silent treatment should be front and center on everyone's list. Don't ever put up with that type of behavior!

Edited November 17, 2012 by Training Revelations

[NoMoreJerks]

I think part of the reason why you are getting this hot/cold behavior is because you're literally stay connected with the dude most of the day. Because of this, you guys are putting yourself in situations where you can just piss each other off wayy to easily.

Actually, I don't really take the initiative to text/call men most of the time. Even when they text me during the day, I try to keep it short and to the point, and engage in conversations over text when he does it / asks me stuff.

 

I can't imagine needing to text each other every morning. Talking on phone/skype every day, etc. "OMG HE DIDN'T TEXT ME THIS MORNING, SOMETHING MUST BE UP!!!"

It's not like that at all. I never expected him to text me every morning. He did it at his own initiative, and I must say, I do like it. It's nice to wake up to a mssg in the morning. Besides, what was I supposed to say -- do NOT text me every day / in the mornings?!??! I never got upset when he didn't text me, until he set up a routine and then broke it WHEN he got pissed off he didn't get his way.

 

Good god, I would want to shoot myself if this was a regular thing, a scheduled item on my list of things to do everyday, "must text gf good morning."

You don't seem to understand that when someone cares about someone, it's not a chore that someone needs to scratch off their list -- it's something one does because they WANT to do it and because they really WANT to say good morning to the person they like/care about. It takes the place of saying good morning to someone you wake up next to.

 

Do you understand what I mean?

No, I do not understand what you mean -- the guy I am talking to right now, we have just started dating -- and HE initiates texts; I don't ever ask him why he didn't text or call. And HE was the one who came up with the idea that we watch movies on Skype together- maybe partly because we can't see each other frequently.

[NoMoreJerks]

Have you considered that texting isn't the best way to communicate? It seems to be your go-to method. I have little doubt that if you wanted to talk and the man wanted to text, you wouldn't look at it as a matter of preference, but rather as poor communication on his part. And the idea that you want to read into limited texting as "mind games" is pretty laughable.

 

Personally, watching a movie on Skype seems to be the antithesis of human contact, so perhaps not wanting to do that is nothing personal. You said that you suggested skipping the movie, and didn't talk about it further when he was surprised and disappointed? Yep, clearly you want no part of the mind games.

Excuse me, but how is this in any way hypocritical? We talk on the phone, text, talk on Skype, and see each other. Depending on the day, we use one or more of those means of communication. As for watching movies on Skype - it is because we do not get to spend much time together -- I can't drive up to where he lives, since I don't have a car, and he can't drive here and stay at my place too late, because he has to get up for work early. Besides, we've only started seeing each other recently, and I don't think it's a great idea to get him to come to my place so often.

 

Also - I did explain why I preferred to watch the movie some other time. I told him that I don't want to keep him from other stuff he wanted to do, as he clearly was doing other stuff (watching a TV show). I was not pissed off at all. I was doing it out of fear that if I accepted to watch the movie with him , he'd think I was an inconsiderate bitch. I thought the fact that he told me that he had been watching something, was him hinting that he would prefer to watch the movie together some other time. The attitude he showed me (no texting today) IS related to that, though. It's childish at best.

 

You asked if if you meet a representative sample of men. I think so; most men would feel the instinct to withdraw from an angry, game-playing woman who aggressively seeks to place all blame and find fault with them.

The only mind game was played by him.

[Pyro]

The only guy who ever did this to me, had some PUA background. Annoyingly effeminate behaviour. Turn off.

 

and for every woman like you there are others who put up with the crap and enjoy that kind of attention which unfortunately is the reason why stuff like that exists.

[NoMoreJerks]

You say that this happens with just about every guy that you interact with? You are the common denominator there so perhaps it is something that you are doing or you are just meeting the wrong guys. Just a thought.

I don't think it's anything I am doing. As I indicated, this is the sort of behaviour that even guy friends (whom I work/study with) often pull. The sort of behaviour whereby you are a good friend of theirs one minute, and a completely non-existent/invisible person the next. I am starting to think that a lot of men are simply bipolar or schizophrenic, or something of the sort.

 

I had a few guy friends who kept doing this sort of thing, and I simply stopped hanging out with them. Now they simply say hi when they see me, and we go our separate ways, when in the past we used to hang out every now and then, and were pretty good friends. I don't mind it if they do not like me anymore and don't want to be friends anymore -- just say it instead of playing silly mind games. Or simply avoid me instead of doing hot/cold. Men who blow hot and cold are those who want to have their cake and eat it too. They want the friendship when they want it, but want to put it on hold/reverse it when they don't want it. Same goes for relationships. They want the sex, etc., but not the relationship. So they will blow hot every now and then, to keep you hooked.

[NoMoreJerks]

trying to make him guess how you feel.

Make him guess how I feel? How am I even trying to do that? I didn't even know he would get upset that I preferred to watch the movie some other time, so that he would do whatever it is that he wanted to do. Men often complain about not being given enough "space." I was giving him ample space to do what he was already doing. When he got all upset and didn't want to talk to me the next day, I told him we'll speak later. How was I trying to make him guess how I feel? As for not wanting to talk to him again, that has nothing to do with trying to make him guess how I feel. It has to do with not wanting to deal with a man who pulls this sort of a tantrum.

[ThaWholigan]

I know guys who do this - I did it sometimes as a kid but I grew out of it. I am quick-tempered typically so I always blow hot rather than cold . The difference is, even when I am angry, it subsides very quickly and then I seek a thorough resolution straight away - like I always do.

 

My mother can be very hot-and-cold, it is annoying to deal with so to come from a man must be very annoying . I do find it to be quite effeminate behavior.

[Fondue]

Make him guess how I feel? How am I even trying to do that? I didn't even know he would get upset that I preferred to watch the movie some other time, so that he would do whatever it is that he wanted to do. Men often complain about not being given enough "space." I was giving him ample space to do what he was already doing. When he got all upset and didn't want to talk to me the next day, I told him we'll speak later. How was I trying to make him guess how I feel? As for not wanting to talk to him again, that has nothing to do with trying to make him guess how I feel. It has to do with not wanting to deal with a man who pulls this sort of a tantrum.

 

I have a feeling this conversation took place over text message.

 

Here is the thing: Texts are ambiguous. You have no idea what the intended meaning behind a set of words are. You may have said it one way, but he interrupted it another.

 

Maybe the way you phrased, "you go do what you want to do," as "ugh, I don't want ot talk to do anything with him right now" in a passive aggressive manner.

 

So then he took that and threw it back at you in similar fashion, by also acting passive aggressive.

 

Long story short, I don't think your conflict with men is due to their own lack of "maturity" or whatever, but you may assist in bringing it upon yourself . Your replies thus far indicate that you are not well receptive to criticism.

[Mme. Chaucer]

As for not wanting to talk to him again, that has nothing to do with trying to make him guess how I feel. It has to do with not wanting to deal with a man who pulls this sort of a tantrum.

 

He said he was making breakfast … that's a tantrum?

 

Anyway, you aren't ever talking to him again, so it's a closed book.

 

Tip: if you don't like a guy, just move on without bothering to pick apart and assign all kinds of meaning to whatever he's doing. You probably don't have it right, and it serves you no purpose anyway.

[NoMoreJerks]

I have a feeling this conversation took place over text message.

 

Here is the thing: Texts are ambiguous. You have no idea what the intended meaning behind a set of words are. You may have said it one way, but he interrupted it another.

 

Maybe the way you phrased, "you go do what you want to do," as "ugh, I don't want ot talk to do anything with him right now" in a passive aggressive manner.

 

So then he took that and threw it back at you in similar fashion, by also acting passive aggressive.

 

Long story short, I don't think your conflict with men is due to their own lack of "maturity" or whatever, but you may assist in bringing it upon yourself . Your replies thus far indicate that you are not well receptive to criticism.

No -- it wasn't over text -- it was over an actual voice and video conversation on Skype. I clearly stated: I don't want to keep you from doing whatever it is you were doing, we'll watch it some other time, ok? Maybe tomorrow, if you are up for it tomorrow." I don't think it could get clearer than that. If I had said the same thing in person, he would've had the same reaction, because he would've interpreted it the same way.