Hot and Cold & Silent Treatment by Men

[NoMoreJerks]

I know guys who do this - I did it sometimes as a kid but I grew out of it. I am quick-tempered typically so I always blow hot rather than cold . The difference is, even when I am angry, it subsides very quickly and then I seek a thorough resolution straight away - like I always do.

 

My mother can be very hot-and-cold, it is annoying to deal with so to come from a man must be very annoying . I do find it to be quite effeminate behavior.

i used to do the passive-aggressive thing when I was much younger. I did the silent treatment once, with the guy I was with a few months ago, because he physically pushed me away when I tried to initiate sex. That was insulting and hurtful , and he didn't want to talk about it, so the only thing I could do short of leaving him (I didn't want to leave him at the time, because I had feelings for him) was to go quiet (not that I did it deliberately at first ; I was just upset / not in the mood to talk after he did that; and then he pretended nothing had happened, which really pissed me off ).

[phineas]

People watch movies together over Skype? Seriously? Jesus, what is the world coming to? That sounds awful.

 

Yes. WTF?!?!

 

No way in fricken hell I would do that & I can't think of any man I know who would do that also.

[NoMoreJerks]

People watch movies together over Skype? Seriously? Jesus, what is the world coming to? That sounds awful.

Sure , people do that.

 

Also, my friend leaves Skype voice and videochat on all day long , with her friend in Pennsylvania (she's in Canada), while they work on their dissertations.

[NoMoreJerks]

I know guys who do this - I did it sometimes as a kid but I grew out of it. I am quick-tempered typically so I always blow hot rather than cold . The difference is, even when I am angry, it subsides very quickly and then I seek a thorough resolution straight away - like I always do.

 

My mother can be very hot-and-cold, it is annoying to deal with so to come from a man must be very annoying . I do find it to be quite effeminate behavior.

I not only try to seek a resolution right away in most cases, I sometimes even forget I was upset to begin with, without even talking about it/resolving it.

 

To be clear, though: by hot I meant, loving, affectionate, and by cold I meant, aloof and uncaring. I wasn't using "hot" to refer to angry.

 

I understand that people might be a bit hotheaded and get pissed off quickly, but some people do have the tendency to let it drag on for days, and give the silent treatment or go completely cold on you. As soon as they realize their game isn't working, though, they will switch to hot again, to win you back.

[xdahliax]

I've gotten that from men once or twice. If I feel that I'm not getting the same level of attention that I'm used to getting from the person, I back off. I'm still the same happy, warm, polite person I usually am but I don't spend nearly as much energy trying to initiate conversation. It normally brings them back, but it's okay if it doesn't too. Some people are just not meant to be a part of your life for too long.

 

I have blown hot and cold once. It wasn't because I was particularly angry, it was because my feelings were growing too quickly and I didn't know how to handle it. I don't think that most people blow hot and cold for that reason, though, so don't assume that a guy is really into you if he's doing it.

[Mrlonelyone]

I have done this to women though never to men or had this done to me by men. TBH my relationships with men never had the emotional content to make such a tactic make sense.

 

When I have done it it was because I felt the woman did not appreciate me. Therefore I would show them how much richer their life was with me in it, by making myself scarce.

[MrCastle]

I am guilty of this but I have my reasons.

 

First off, I'm a scorpio, and I am completely black and white. I can be in love with you today, ready to put a ring on your finger and walk down the aisle, and if I feel you wronged me, leave you the next day and never speak to you ever again. I have no middle ground in any aspect of my life.

 

So there's that part.

 

Secondly, I feel like if I give her a piece of my mind, it will come off as pouting or being whiney.

 

So if a girl flakes on me, the best plan of attack for me is to completely ignore her for a few weeks or so as part of her "punishment" for playing me.

 

I then approach 10-14 days later with all my bitterness gone, ready to be Mr. Charming again as if nothing happened. Usually they respond well to this since they have not heard from me and are eager to see me again.

 

When it stops working I'll stop doing it, I just don't see how laying into a girl verbally and getting angry with her and potentially saying things I regret is going to help me sleep with her. It's better if I cool off, do my own thing and leave her alone, then come back when I've gotten the anger out of my system.

[Mrlonelyone]

A story I have been told from my mother and father. Back in the 70's when they were dating on and off and on and off for about 9 years before getting married. Mother would dump dad telling him he would never amount to anything. Often he would find another woman, usually white*, and she would come back to him.

 

One of these times, a particularly bad time father said "I'll never give up cigarettes and never give up white women." He still smokes, and they are still together now married since the early 80's.

 

Would that be the case if my father did not repeatedly demonstrate that he was well able to find someone else? I'll bet it wouldn't be.

 

*To the younger folks here, as recently as the late 1980's and early 90's such relationships were regarded as semi taboo. In a way they still are.

[Taramere]

I have met / know quite a lot of men , both as friends and potential (or actual) dates. One thing I have noticed in almost all of the men I know (and I know some of them quite well) is how they always expect to get their way and will resort to giving you the cold / silent treatment when they do not. This is usually thought of as a typical female behaviour. However, I see this A LOT in men. Also, men who blow hot and cold -- are completely loving one minute, go completely cold and act like a stranger the next minute.

 

For the women on this forum: I was wondering if you have noticed this sort of behaviour in a lot of men. I am wondering this ,because at first I thought, maybe I am just unlucky to be meeting this sort of men.. But really, what are the odds that I'm meeting men (in different types of locations) that are unrepresentative of the male population (at least in my city?).

 

I've encountered it at times...and I respond exactly as I did with my nephew when he was very small and went through a phase of having sulks. I'd ignore the sulk, and then when he got over it and wanted to join in whatever game I was playing with his sister (she'd sometimes try to sulk too, but it never lasted for more than about 12 seconds) I'd make him welcome without commenting on his behind-the-couch sulking session.

 

If a grown man behaves like that with me. I'll just assume that they're angry and upset about something. Possibly with me, but not necessarily so - and leave them to have their space to calm down. If I feel that I've said something out of order that wasn't merited by any behaviour on their part, I'll be somewhat conciliatory and "checking that things are okay" . I won't persist with trying to make things right if the quiet and withdrawn sulk continues, even if I know they're really upset. It's counterproductive to keep trying to make things right with a sulking person, and can result in sulks becoming a habit/calculated strategy to get attention.

 

If I think they're just being ridiculous I'll ignore the sulk completely, but unless it's something they do regularly and as part of some sort of calculated ongoing strategy, I'm not going to hold it against them. It's not a good look, a grown man behaving like a 4 year old, but I can think of times that I too have behaved like a 4 year old when I've been upset or offended about something. As long as I think somebody's response is an authentic emotional one and they're not being abusive (I don't class sulks as abusive- just a bit passive aggressive) I'll generally tend to forgive it pretty easily.

Edited November 18, 2012 by Taramere

[natwilliams]

I wonder if you are exhibiting hot cold yourself even if very subtly. A lot of guys are extremely sensitive. Im kinda like that.

[browniecalgary]

[quote

 

 

For the men on this forum: If you have ever done this sort of thing, I would be curious to know what goes on through your mind, and whether or not you really believe that if you keep up this behaviour, you would get your way, or if you are punishing your gf for not giving you what you wanted (not just talking about sex here btw). Also, I would like to get insights into how/why men do the hot/cold thing so often. Is it that you are stressed by something else, or is it mostly related to something that your gf said or did, that you did not approve of? If it's the latter, why not simply talk about it with her?

 

Hi there! an interesting conversation indeed. As for me (41), I do this in the initial stage of dating. This is because I am not sure if she likes me and fear rejection (typical male ego ...lol). Once we are connected, like we have confessed we like each other, I blow ONLY HOT.

 

On the last sentence that if men do not like something particular in a girl why not say it upfront.....it is very hard for men to do that. Don't you know lot of us are shy in nature? But what helps us is having open conversation if the girl feels she is being treated cold.

 

Cheers

[RachR]

NoMoreJerks, you could have possibly come off a passive/aggressive yourself to the guy, just a possibility.

 

Often times, when I say, "Just give me a few minutes," I am not hinting at anything, I literally just want a few minutes. It seems you were assuming he was hinting that he didn't want to watch the movie and your reaction was based on that. But you don't really know if he was hinting or not.

 

I recently had a man keep saying, "Don't worry about it, you don't have to come over" after I called to say I was stopping by to hang out as planned but work had held me up, I was running late (similar to you saying you didn't want to interrupt your guy's tv show). Maybe he thought I was hinting, but on the other side, it felt like to me as if maybe HE was the one trying to get out of it. Anyway, I didn't make any assumptions and told him that if I didn't want to come over I wouldn't have said I would, and after that he didn't mention it again and then we hung out.

[zebracolors]

I read your replies, NoMoreJerks, and I can't shake the feeling that you are not someone many people are compatible with. What's with that need for constant communication/texts/etc. I think part of the reason why you are getting this hot/cold behavior is because you're literally stay connected with the dude most of the day. Because of this, you guys are putting yourself in situations where you can just piss each other off wayy to easily.

 

I can't imagine needing to text each other every morning. Talking on phone/skype every day, etc. "OMG HE DIDN'T TEXT ME THIS MORNING, SOMETHING MUST BE UP!!!"

 

Good god, I would want to shoot myself if this was a regular thing, a scheduled item on my list of things to do everyday, "must text gf good morning."

 

I am inclined to agree with not needing to text everyday, if I was actually in a relationship, but I am not currently in one. One of the things the LDR I used to be in taught me, is that its pointless to worry yourself over something you can't know for sure. Because we have things in our life other than the relationship, like work/career, maybe education or whatever.

 

So now if and when I get back into a relationship, I won't worry so much if a few days pass without hearing from the man. If he wants to get together with me, he'll have my contact info, and vice versa:)

[EasyHeart]

The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive technique to manipulate and control the target. It's completely different from just not talking to someone or not being interested in someone.

 

It sounds to me like the OP is talking about the latter. If a guy stops talking to you, it means he's not interested in you, not that he's giving you "The Silent Treatment".

[Anela]

People watch movies together over Skype? Seriously? Jesus, what is the world coming to? That sounds awful.

 

My sister does this with her now-husband. They're in an LDR, and she spends a lot of time attached to the laptop.

[charlietheginger]

Ive done this un intentionally because

Im passive agressive....

Im at the gym 5 nights a week

Work out not there to meet women...

 

A women took fancy to me ...

I took fancy to her...

 

Small chat some days i talk

Somedays just dont want to talk

Only workout...

 

I think i gave her the hotcold treatment

Accidental and accidentally put her in the

Oh hi hows your day going friendzone.

 

infact im their to just workout

Not really anything more....

 

I remember her a yr ago when i was fat

She payed no attention to me..

Now im trim and fit...

and.shes interested?

Well to bad

[Leigh 87]

These men are either not very interested in you, or they are morons! Like another poster also stated!

 

So even if a guy really likes you and acts this way, you can do better than a guy who acts this ridiculous.

 

My boyfriend is pretty immature, but he does not resort to hot and cold treatment and is very stable with how he treats me....

 

....So hot and cold is beyond immature, actually; it is just a sign their spoilt or manipulative, like another poster mentioned, and play games with people because they have nothing BETTER to do.... Or ar enot satisfied by their lives, however full they are....

[todreaminblue]

I've experienced the 'silent treatment' both in a romantic relationship and with family... It's a passive/aggressive move that is used to control/manipulate someone. It is also considered a form of emotional abuse.

 

When on the receiving end of this emotional disconnected behavior, the best thing to do is ignore it or dish it back out. When they realize you aren't gonna chase and beg they usually come around and that's when you can discuss the matter by letting them know it's completely unacceptable. Stand by your word and if it continues, run like the wind. It will only get worse.

 

 

 

there are other ways the silent treatment is maybe4 used that is not manipulation at all but self preservation and consideration....if you are arguing with an aggresive person who is about to go rank is it better not to argue and just be quiet...until the situation is not volatile...you give one chance

 

 

you say i am not talking to you till you calm down because we are getting nowhere when they harass you and rile you or try to, you continue to be quiet......hence silent treatment .....that stops emotional abuse from escalating into physical abuse i have a mentally impaired son and have dealt with many aggressive men...this works otherwise its me toe to toe with them if i lose it so i call self preservation, the silent treatment......

 

another reason i was always taught if you cant say anything nice dont say it and i always say i cant talk to you now i dont like where this talk is going....and again if i am harassed or riled, ill leave the room.....i dont call that manipulative or emotional abuse....control yes.......i deserve to have control when i am speaking to someone and not have that turn into me feeling like crap and cowed down...nor do i want to make others feel like crap because i can and do bite.......i prefer to try to make arguments at least respectful.......that is my main aim....respect for both myself and who being silent with.....i dont use silent treatment as a weapon or to hurt people.....just as a calming influence for me and others....and it does work..this is not abuse emotional or physical it is a preventative measure i have been taught by qualified professional therapists.i dont feel its right to use the silent treatment to hurt people or make people feel like crap.........deb

Edited November 21, 2012 by todreaminblue

[NoMoreJerks]

The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive technique to manipulate and control the target. It's completely different from just not talking to someone or not being interested in someone.

 

It sounds to me like the OP is talking about the latter. If a guy stops talking to you, it means he's not interested in you, not that he's giving you "The Silent Treatment".

No, I was talking about the silent treatment, where a guy goes quiet on you while you are together in the same apartment (for the entire day, sometimes multiple days).

[LittlePrince]

why not simply talk about it with her?

Talking it out with a woman never works since women are illogical and have the mindset of a child. When a woman becomes too big of a burden men will become silent and/or distant because there is really nothing that can be done except remove yourself from the situation. It isn't the same as the cold treatment where you act cold and distant as a strategy to get what you want. There is simply no recourse and the only thing left is to walk away.

 

If you try talking it out then it will end in an argument and women never concede even in the smallest ways. That's why female friendships are so bitter and fcked up. It is better that men do what they do otherwise he would be just another one of your "friends" you "secretly" hate with a passion.

[Emilia]

 

I'm always nice and respectful to every NEW woman I meet. Over time, most women lose my respect by being immature, untrustworthy, flaky, disrespectful, etc.

 

It is what it is.

 

Indeed it is what it is: the common denominator is you. You pick the same kind of women or you behave in a way that makes them go off you

[LittlePrince]

Indeed it is what it is: the common denominator is you. You pick the same kind of women or you behave in a way that makes them go off you

Thank you for being disrespectful to further prove his point.

[pcplod]

This unseemly behavioural trait used to simply be called "childish sulking" but it has another label now. "Passive-aggressive". Really these men would ideally like to knock your lamps out for having the timerity of standing up for yourself, for belittling them, as they see it, and for under-mining their male authority. But they also know that socially this is not tolerated in the same way it might have been at some point in the past. Therefore they suppress it down deep and instead absolutely seethe, rage inwards, imagining in some cases what they might do if only they could just get away with it.

 

It's really all about being inadequate. About not being able to formulate the thoughts and words to convey their feelings back in response, to try to negotiate a compromise that at least both individuals would be prepared to live with. That, of course, is always assuming that your female partner is much of one for compromise or communication either. It is possible to see a failure of communication in another person while being unable to communicate yourself.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

I used to be a sensitive guy and take it personal when a guy used to play hot/cold but then I had to step back and think how I may have contributed to the situation.

 

I don't believe in the hot/cold thing. But then again, I'm not in the game of using people at my convenience. Every guy I haven't been interested in, I have told them upfront and they seemed to have respected it. It's much more direct and courageous than just disappearing.

 

I had a guy play hot and cold with me for a full year. He would tell me he didn't want to have a relationship with me and then text and say flirtatious/sexual things. I was flattered and chased him for some time. When I stopped initiating, he would send me texts saying he missed me or where have I been or he'd give me an excuse that he was going through stuff.

 

 

I called him out on his **** not too long ago and of course he took no responsibility and dodged around the questions I asked him. Yes, I take responsibility for being a damn fool when he showed me who he was. But I used to listen to him rant and rave when he'd call me in the middle of the night sad and depressed. I was also there for him when his dad died. Then I'd check on him PERIODICALLY up on him to see how he was doing and he'd either ignore me or respond a day later by saying, "Fine. Thanks. Hope you are too." I'm like damn at least ask me how I'm doing. I tried not to be sensitive or hurt by the situation.

 

But I eventually found out he had just got involved in a relationship. Of course I was hurt, but I let him know how I felt about the whole situation.

 

 

Needless to say, most guys (aside from this one) who disappear on me know not to ever contact me again. Plus, I'm pretty sharp with the tongue. That's only guy I've chased, but I learned my lesson. Make your demands and let them be known upfront and don't play games.

 

Another thing, don't allow yourself to be the back-burner bitch. I'll damned if you treat me like a toy on a shelf.