dynamicathena Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 I'll try to make this short even though its a super long story..... I have been friends with this guy for 6 almost 7 years. We are both 27. For the last 6 months we have been really close, going to family events together and other events together. We hung out 2 to 3 times a week and text pretty much every day. After all we were close friends. Naturally people were starting to ask us what was going on between us. We had never talked about anything so I begin to feel we should discuss something. Our relationship always seemed friendly but more then friends. We did send pictures back and fourth to one another (naughty). I invited him to a wedding. I decided it was time to address the situation. I felt that something needed to be talked about because it felt like more then just a friend relationship. The week before the wedding I decided to take a chance and ask "if he saw us as dating?" He gave me a confused answer. Basically saying I caught him off guard but he wasn't interested in anyone else or sleeping with anyone, whether I believed him or not. A week later comes back and says He does like me but at the moment wasn't interested in having a girl friend because he didn't feel mature enough because he hadn't finished school or has a crappy job. I said that's understandable but maturity doesn't just miraculously come after you complete these things. We go to the wedding and he proceeds to act like we are dating. That night we took it farther and slept together. Two days later invites me to a family dinner with his mother, a sunday. Then he comes over on a thursday before and says all these thing about us dating. I was taken back by his comments because of what he said prior to the wedding. Things then seemed good. Sunday comes I'm all ready to go out to dinner and he comes over and says "we have to go back to being friends and can't have sex anymore." I was immediately upset and asked him why he went down that road in the first place. His response was "we were drunk." Then he asks me if I still want to go to dinner. I obviously asked him to leave my house. A week later he texted and asks if I wanted to talk. He came over and apologized. He said that he was wrong and he never had feelings for me like that. I told him I was disappointed in his behavior. I wouldn't have expected him to be this guy. He then said well he did have feelings but they changed or they weren't what he thought they were. I told him I don't understand why you proceeded to continue anything if you felt this way. He then said maybe it's an issue with his xgf and him being damaged. I told him the hardest part in all this is I feel like I'm losing my best friend. He said yeah well we have such a long history maybe we need to take time apart. I said I just can't believe all this time they way you acted towards me and the things you said boiled down to you not having feelings. He apologized and said he led me on. I told him you have to think about the things you do before they happen. This hurt worst then anything I've had done to me before and If it takes losing me to learn this lesson I hope he did. This was an hour and a half conversation, what I told you is basically his only input. SORRY FOR THE LENGTHY STORY- I have not initiated contacting him for feelings. I just texted him the day after we talked to remind him about the money he owed me. He has been paying me back bi-weekly. This will be the last payment approaching. I just wanted to hear comments from other people. What they think about the situation. Don't be afraid to ask me if you need more information, I tried to include the important things. Would you maintain a friendship after moving on. I'm leaning more towards saying goodbye to him forever. I'm just so taken back by everything that happened I have to talk to unbiased people. People who don't know either one of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dynamicathena Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 Thanks for reading! And thanks for any input! Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 I am sorry that you lost your friend, I do think you need some time apart,it is going to be hard to take it back to friendship as you have seen each other naked,alcohol is not anyones friend and when it leeches it way into friendships.....issues....... you were however sending naughty pics before that incident he obviously is pretty mixed up and because of that so now, are you...... i learned a lesson with bite about sending pics....i wont repeat....and i dont think you will either.....i dotn know if this friendship is salvageable because of the steps in there....but if it were to be salvageable, its going to take some distance and forgiveness and finally acceptance and that would be from you....do you feel a bit used?..if you do add some months for healing..and you said that you didnt think he was that guy....do you mean you didnt think he would be a dickhead?..i wish you hope in love and life.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author dynamicathena Posted November 19, 2012 Author Share Posted November 19, 2012 Thanks first and for most for the comments. Yes I mean I didn't think he would be a dickhead, it's still hard to accept that behavior because that's not the guy I know. I was getting such different answers from him as time went on that I still don't have any clue what to believe. We were also spending so much time together that it's really hard to accept his end answer of having no feelings for me. (might i add he couldn't even look me in the eyes for that last conversation we had) It's sad because in the end I still have feelings for him. This is why I don't think I can be friends again. I didn't really know if I should even try to get to the bottom of what the heck happened. I felt blindsided by this and yes also used. He initiated all the picture sending, btw. Not that it matters at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 Thanks first and for most for the comments. Yes I mean I didn't think he would be a dickhead, it's still hard to accept that behavior because that's not the guy I know. I was getting such different answers from him as time went on that I still don't have any clue what to believe. We were also spending so much time together that it's really hard to accept his end answer of having no feelings for me. (might i add he couldn't even look me in the eyes for that last conversation we had) It's sad because in the end I still have feelings for him. This is why I don't think I can be friends again. I didn't really know if I should even try to get to the bottom of what the heck happened. I felt blindsided by this and yes also used. He initiated all the picture sending, btw. Not that it matters at this point. I think giving how you feel the friendship is not going to work out for you not him because you are the one with feelings.He may regret wrecking the friendship that's why he couldn't look you in the eyes whatever the reason was, it is a shame how he went about telling what he did.......I dont think you should try and get to the bottom of it.......it will only confuse you more..maybe further down the track when you aren't so raw he may approach or try to contact you to explain....don't hunt any answers from him..good luck with healing and closure...hugs....deb Link to post Share on other sites
KS11 Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 Sorry to hear this. Having been in a similar situation, i know how hard it is to walk away from a friendship, particularly if you have strong feelings for the person, as you say you do. In my experience, the best thing you can do is take some time out, which is such a scary thought i know, but for now its for the best. Its highly likely you'll have occassions where you fall back and contact him, thats ok, its natural, but what to me, it sounds like he has you right where he wants. Like the saying goes, you need to give him a chance to miss you. From a guys point however, i think i should say that in my view hes acted pretty poorly towards you. Personally, if i wasn't sure how i felt, i wouldnt have slept with someone, i certainly wouldnt need to do that to confirm or refute my feelings. But maybe thats me being to prude about the whole thing. If my experience has taught me anything, its that being friends with someone you feel more strongly for than they do, will tear you apart! I've being doing it for 2 years, until it got to point where there were only two options. Like i say, i think your best move is firstly some time apart. But just make sure you say everything you want to. I think thats key. I think you should tell exactly what you feel and what you want, and then take some time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dynamicathena Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 I am taking time away. It's been over a month since this occurred. I do have strong feelings for him, even after all this. I think my issue is I still want us to be together. I have to try and move on because whether he is being honest or not with his feelings, he's showing he's not interested in it. And I wouldn't be fair to myself if I didn't move on. I needed time to get emotionally together before I talked to him again. I think soon I will talk to him just to get out what I need to say without crying, as I did right after we "broke" up. I just was really trying to wait for him to reach out to me, other then him contacting me to pay me back. I feel like anything else would push him deeper in his confusion of feelings. Plus, the whole make him miss me thing. I figure when I stop missing him everyday that would be a good time to talk about my feelings. I don't know! It's all confusing when it didn't even have to be this way! I agree with you about his behavior. I have never experienced this kind of behavior with a guy before. I think usually I've been involved with a more emotionally mature guy. I guess my thing is I don't understand how you can treat someone you are so close to so crappy. I still in my heart can't believe he had no feelings. His actions said so much more prior to the downfall. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Have you considered the possibility of him having gender identity issues? It sounds as though he may be gay and is struggling with denial. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelymoon Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Have you considered the possibility of him having gender identity issues? It sounds as though he may be gay and is struggling with denial. Exactly my thoughts too... hope you can sort things out though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dynamicathena Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 I don't know the answer to that. I don't think he does but anything is a possibility. I mean he could perform sexually so I don't know. He's had girlfriends before and when we were a little younger (22ish) he was more promiscuous. I can handle the whole not having feelings for me, if that was honestly the case. What I dislike is if you were unsure of anything why take it that far, especially with such a close friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I don't know the answer to that. I don't think he does but anything is a possibility. I mean he could perform sexually so I don't know. He's had girlfriends before and when we were a little younger (22ish) he was more promiscuous. I can handle the whole not having feelings for me, if that was honestly the case. What I dislike is if you were unsure of anything why take it that far, especially with such a close friend. It is not unheard of for gay men & lesbians to marry and have children before coming to terms with being homosexual...and, yes, promiscuity can be a part of the denial. As for having feelings, my brother was head over heels in love with his HS gf. It was only after they broke up and he moved away from our small hometown that he felt comfortable in exploring his sexuality and confirmed that he was/is gay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dynamicathena Posted November 23, 2012 Author Share Posted November 23, 2012 I mean there's always a chance your right. I honestly don't think that's the case. Link to post Share on other sites
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