After 4 years we broke up, during the two months after I have done everything wrong.

[Iseeintheam]

My boyfriend and I of 4 years broke up in September. He said it was because I wasn't moving to the city. I live in the burbs and own property and in this market it has been hard to do so. I did answer his question wrong on that day when he asked me if I was moving. I heard him ask "I need to know if you can move now", he said "I need to know now if your moving". After the breakup I had given him the initial couple of days to cool off and then I started trying to win him back for almost 55 days. I truly love him more that anyone can understand. I had left a 10 year relationship to be with him and I was on board with moving except life started to slow down the process. I started having to run all of my ailing grandmother's finances. I was waiting to hear about my job at work as I was a temp and wanted to wait to tell him about the definite move until after I heard if I had gotten hired. As that would allow me to work from home. I did smother him so much in these two months and it just seemed to push him farther away. I went thru a patch where I would say wonderful things in the morning and then terrible things at night when I was drunk. I hadnt drank in over 2 years and this situation brought that back to me. I tried to get our animals back as they were ours not just his and he refused. I never took anything back at all but in my weaker moments it hurt me so bad to have his apartment furnished by me and then to have him leave. I never took that either. I would see his smile and then I would just not care about the stuff anymore. He told me that if I would have just given him two weeks to cool off we could have worked things out in the begining but now so much has been said back and forth the said that maybe in a couple years we could be friends. He has since cut all contact as he called me a flip flopper saying I accept the break up one minute and then saying I wanted him back the next. I was just so confused. I had been getting so much advice from everyone and it was spinning me in circles. The age difference is that he is 24 and I am 33. I was prepared to make every sacrafice because I know what love is and I wanted him in my life so badly. I know I made a lot of mistakes but is there any way of actually winning him back. I have texted him today to see if he would like to grab lunch and he didnt respond. He also had blocked me from face book as he said that seeing his friends and stuff would keep me from moving on. I didnt want to move on. He said that after a break up it is important to figure out who you are without that person. But honestly we had broken up 2 times before for like a day over the course of the 4 years. And we always realized what we were really breaking up for was stupid and could be worked out. He told me he wasn't happy over the last year because of the distance and that he didn't think I ever wanted to move to the city. I explained that the city had its inconveniences that I wasn't accustom to but I was willing to work with them as everything has a new adjustment period. I really love him so much and I feel that I just keep messing it up. Everyone just tells me to give him time and if he really loved me he would come back. I just don't understand all of this. I feel that if the roles were reversed that he would have done the same thing, but I would have taken him back because I understand how our situation is. I had asked him so many times to move with me so we could live together thru all of this and that we would have been in the city by now. I told him that if selling the house took too long after moving it that we could just rent it out and move anyways. But I really didn't want to lose my investment. What can I do to win him back?

[scarlet.vixn]

Here's my two cents love.

 

I don't really know him from anything other than what you've written so I'm sure that he's got his side of the story but I'm making my comments based on this post.

 

It sounds to me that he's a little young. I understand that he's been wanting you to move for a while, and that long distance is a big problem for some people, I'm sure he wanted you to be closer so you guys could move on to the next step of your relationship, but according to you, you were on board with this whole thing. So when life got harder and you were having to handle your grandmother's finances, and trying to sell the house and dealing with all these things that were preventing you from moving right away, where was he? He's asking you to pick up your life and change everything around to suit his needs and you wanted to even at the risk of your own financial well being...

 

I'm all for love conquering all but if this was something he truly wanted and you truly wanted why wasn't there a better game plan? Why was it "move out now" and when he got an answer he didn't like he decided to quit? What would have happened if you did move out there and something else went wrong and now all of a sudden you're alone and dealing with the aftermath of changing your whole life around without a leg to stand on?

 

As for getting drunk and doing the mushy i love you I hate you stuff, meh it happens, forgive yourself and move on. You have been emotionally hit over the head with a hammer you're bound to do some silly stuff, but you can't let that make you feel like you messed everything up.

 

Try taking a little perspective change, I know it sucks but do what he asked you to do and take some time to figure yourself out, and really think about whether or not you want to be with someone who at least from this angle didn't seem particularly understanding to the whole financial situation nor did he offer to help.

 

As for getting him back I read somewhere that you should pretend as if you dumped him, I don't know if that actually works but some of the things it said made sense, first of all taking that outside perspective of whether or not he was the right one, if he was the right one but needs space give it to him, but take your own space, go to the spa, start a healthy diet, do something that makes you feel good about you. Go out with friends, flirt a little, but all in all just focus on you, be the woman that he wanted in the first place. You gave so much of yourself and I understand that you feel as if you held back too for not immediately moving out there, but take comfort in realizing that that's a huge step and where you would be if not moving out there wasn't the real problem between you two (in which case you'd have moved out there and been somewhat stranded). Get yourself back and in time he'll come back too, or if he doesn't realize what he lost, someone else will.

 

Sorry I know that's never what anyone with a broken heart wants to hear.