Distrust towards MM

[carhill]

Just wonder for OWs that currently in the relationship with your MMs, does that

[distrust] happen to you as well?

 

Not an OW, rather fOM, and retrospectively, I would opine most of my 'distrust' came to fruition during the reflection process after I ended the dynamic. During, in accordance with my base psychology, I was trusting and gave the 'benefit of the doubt' but, in the end, could not abide the direct admissions by the MW of lying to her H. It was after that point, bits and pieces began to pull together and my perspective changed.

 

IMO, this is one positive aspect of NC. Clarity. The results aren't known until such clarity occurs and are different for each of us. The key is achieving a positive state of understanding and acceptance. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Yes we both agreed to let the A over as I kept telling the MM I don't trust him and the MM kept denying it and does not understand why I don't trust him.

 

And WWI, yes I am backing it off.

 

Mount, he knows why. He ain't stupid.

 

The thing is, you can tell him how you feel and why all you want, but your actions (still talking to him, getting together with him, spending time with him) show him the opposite. You say one thing and do another. You tell him it's over, but then it's really not.

 

The power is in your hands. If you truly want the A over, make it over. You can do this Mount. You're much stronger than you realize. Stop being afraid of the pain you'll feel by totally ending it and walking away, and doing full on NC (minus professional conversations that you may have to have with him, no personal chit chat) to help you detach.

[2sunny]

Mount, he knows why. He ain't stupid.

 

The thing is, you can tell him how you feel and why all you want, but your actions (still talking to him, getting together with him, spending time with him) show him the opposite. You say one thing and do another. You tell him it's over, but then it's really not.

 

The power is in your hands. If you truly want the A over, make it over. You can do this Mount. You're much stronger than you realize. Stop being afraid of the pain you'll feel by totally ending it and walking away, and doing full on NC (minus professional conversations that you may have to have with him, no personal chit chat) to help you detach.

 

He's not there to acknowledge YOUR feelings!

 

He's in it to get HIS NEEDS MET!

 

You can either do that - OR NOT!

[Mount]

Yes. I believe this time I am done, the reason is that over past month I realize more whom I am dealing with (probably the MM also realizes whom is him dealing with:p:p).

 

The thing is that the MM might still use manipulation to get what he wants from me as 2Sunny points out, I need to tough on myself to hold on my power I suppose.

 

Mount, he knows why. He ain't stupid.

 

The thing is, you can tell him how you feel and why all you want, but your actions (still talking to him, getting together with him, spending time with him) show him the opposite. You say one thing and do another. You tell him it's over, but then it's really not.

 

The power is in your hands. If you truly want the A over, make it over. You can do this Mount. You're much stronger than you realize. Stop being afraid of the pain you'll feel by totally ending it and walking away, and doing full on NC (minus professional conversations that you may have to have with him, no personal chit chat) to help you detach.

[2sunny]

And YOU an control certain things.

 

You can NOT communicate with him!

 

You can work a different job!

 

You do have choices...choose what's best for you!

[awkward]

There is a certain code of ethics like you don't screw your sisters husband/brother's wife, you don't bring your OW/OM to your kids football games, and you don't have sex with other people on the marital bed/your kids bed that even the lowest in the pond seem to follow. Your MM must be very angry with his wife to bring you to their home.

 

 

I hear you WWI, you are absolutely right.

 

Sometimes I really don't understand the logic mind of the MM, like last weekend his wife happened to be away from home on business trip only one night, then he tried to ask me to stay in his house and of course I refused. After his continous attempt, I only agreed to stop by his house for 15 mintues ....I don't understand how MM thinks, as I do feel it is so disrespectful I will hang around in their house when his wife away, but obivously the MM does not think so, and he does not even really care if neighbors would see.

 

What is really going on here.

 

What did your MM say when you asked him why he is so disrespectful to both you and his wife?

[Pierre]

There is a certain code of ethics like you don't screw your sisters husband/brother's wife, you don't bring your OW/OM to your kids football games, and you don't have sex with other people on the marital bed/your kids bed that even the lowest in the pond seem to follow. Your MM must be very angry with his wife to bring you to their home.

 

 

 

 

 

There is no honor among thieves.:p:p

[Pierre]

Yes we both agreed to let the A over as I kept telling the MM I don't trust him

 

Trusting a cheater is an oxymoron.:o

[2sunny]

You have to look at how YOU are participating.

 

He may have invited you to their house - BUT you did not HAVE to go!

 

Him asking makes him a complete douche with serious anger issues...

 

Stop saying yes. Even dropping by was completely unnecessary - and you have the ability to say NO... Or better yet nothing at all - just decide to never respond ever again!

 

Poof! He's invisible and doesn't exist!

[Mount]

I agree with you totally. I think I have posted before, when we just started the A a couple months ago, I expressed my point of view that those men brought women to their home and slept on the marital bed, those men must HATE their wives very much. Then I noticed my MM had strange face expression and did not say anything.

 

Then over the time he had mentioned a couple times that instead of my place he wishes we were able to make it at his marital bed, which in reality it is not possible as his wife is always at home after work and weekends.

 

Then last weekend the only time I only agreed to drop by for a few mintues waiting for him put down his purchasing stuff.

 

However according to MM's speech that he still have family kind of love towards his wife, I dont sense hatred, I can only think he maybe wants to show off his lovely home, that is all.

 

 

 

There is a certain code of ethics like you don't screw your sisters husband/brother's wife, you don't bring your OW/OM to your kids football games, and you don't have sex with other people on the marital bed/your kids bed that even the lowest in the pond seem to follow. Your MM must be very angry with his wife to bring you to their home.

 

 

 

 

What did your MM say when you asked him why he is so disrespectful to both you and his wife?

[Pierre]

 

However according to MM's speech that he still have family kind of love towards his wife, I dont sense hatred, I can only think he maybe wants to show off his lovely home, that is all.

 

For the love of God!

 

This guy is a sociopath and what he says about his wife is a moot point.

 

The fact that he does not hate his wife make his actions much worse.

 

I have said it before; many OWs are extremely gullible and you are not far behind in the gullibility scale.

 

The other ingredient is ability to justify and rationalize and I must say you are quite good at this.

 

I know quite well you do not desire to read these words because they are not sugar coated, but there is no other way to state the obvious.

[Mount]

Actually I had similar feeling as well at the very beginning - but again why I am attracted to a sociopath (would be another topic).

 

Yes, I know I am naive even I am old .

 

So why you say/sense the MM is a sociopath as well?

 

 

For the love of God!

 

This guy is a sociopath and what he says about his wife is a moot point.

 

The fact that he does not hate his wife make his actions much worse.

 

I have said it before; many OWs are extremely gullible and you are not far behind in the gullibility scale.

 

The other ingredient is ability to justify and rationalize and I must say you are quite good at this.

 

I know quite well you do not desire to read these words because they are not sugar coated, but there is no other way to state the obvious.

[BrokenPrincess]

 

then over the time he had mentioned a couple times that instead of my place he wishes we were able to make it at his marital bed.

 

yikes!!!!!

[Pierre]

Actually I had similar feeling as well at the very beginning - but again why I am attracted to a sociopath (would be another topic).

 

Yes, I know I am naive even I am old .

 

So why you say/sense the MM is a sociopath as well?

 

Many men with traits of narcissism and antisocial personality are extremely charming, smooth, pleasant, funny, etc. This is all a subconscious act that they learn early on in life to get ahead.

 

Many cheating MM are charmers. From that point of view they are sociopathic. Many of these folks also lack empathy which is common in narcissism. That explains why they have sex with the OW in the marital bed. They simply cannot see harm because they are incapable of empathy.

 

Sadly many OWs also lack empathy.

[Pierre]

Mount:

 

Psychopaths are often witty and articulate. They can be amusing and entertaining conversationalists, ready with a quick and clever comeback, and can tell unlikely but convincing stories that cast themselves in a good light. They can be very effective in presenting themselves well and are often very likable and charming.

 

 

Psychopaths show a stunning lack of concern for the devastating effects their actions have on others. Often they are completely forthright about the matter, calmly stating that they have no sense of guilt, are not sorry for the pain and destruction they have caused, and that there is no reason for them to be concerned.

 

 

Psychopaths display a general lack of empathy. They are indifferent to the rights and suffering of family members and strangers alike. If they do maintain ties with their spouses or children it is only because they see their family members as possessions, much like their stereos or automobiles.

 

Lying, deceiving and manipulation are natural talents for psychopaths. Given their glibness and the facility with which they lie, it is not surprising that psychopaths successfully cheat.

 

Lovefraud.com > Key symptoms of a sociopath (psychopath, con artist)

[frozensprouts]

i don't understand it...

 

if you want it to be over, then end it...

 

instead of trying to find all kinds of excuses about why you can't end it, why not find the reasons that you CAN, and get started today at making that your reality...

[Mount]

I am not defending ANYONE, MM or OW or non-MM/OW, yes following parts especially bolded part fit MM very very well. Nowadays when I had argument with MM I am openly saying to MM that you are master of manipulation, but still not as high skill as than me.

 

What I am trying to say is that everyone could have following traits though, however I am just curious to know if the MM is indeed sociopath based on the external occupation of marital bed issue.

 

Quote:

Psychopaths are often witty and articulate. They can be amusing and entertaining conversationalists, ready with a quick and clever comeback, and can tell unlikely but convincing stories that cast themselves in a good light. They can be very effective in presenting themselves well and are often very likable and charming.

 

Psychopaths show a stunning lack of concern for the devastating effects their actions have on others. Often they are completely forthright about the matter, calmly stating that they have no sense of guilt, are not sorry for the pain and destruction they have caused, and that there is no reason for them to be concerned.

 

 

Psychopaths display a general lack of empathy. They are indifferent to the rights and suffering of family members and strangers alike. If they do maintain ties with their spouses or children it is only because they see their family members as possessions, much like their stereos or automobiles.

 

Lying, deceiving and manipulation are natural talents for psychopaths. Given their glibness and the facility with which they lie, it is not surprising that psychopaths successfully cheat.

[Mount]

Yes it is ending now...in progress.

 

I guess the topic from my distrust with MM to sociopath which is more deeper level of analysis from Pierre

 

i don't understand it...

 

if you want it to be over, then end it...

 

instead of trying to find all kinds of excuses about why you can't end it, why not find the reasons that you CAN, and get started today at making that your reality...

[MissBee]

I agree with you totally. I think I have posted before, when we just started the A a couple months ago, I expressed my point of view that those men brought women to their home and slept on the marital bed, those men must HATE their wives very much. Then I noticed my MM had strange face expression and did not say anything.

 

Then over the time he had mentioned a couple times that instead of my place he wishes we were able to make it at his marital bed, which in reality it is not possible as his wife is always at home after work and weekends.

 

Then last weekend the only time I only agreed to drop by for a few mintues waiting for him put down his purchasing stuff.

However according to MM's speech that he still have family kind of love towards his wife, I dont sense hatred, I can only think he maybe wants to show off his lovely home, that is all.

 

LMAOOO Mount...are you kidding or what?

 

You just said he wishes you guys could have sex in his marital bed, now you're rationalizing it all and saying oh he just wants to show off his lovely home. LMAOOO! I'm literally over here laughing out loud

 

Anyway....you're doing a fine job of going in circles with yourself. You post constantly about how less than rosy this situation and man are then turn right back around and defend it or downplay obvious actions...I don't think there is much we can say.

 

You'll do it until you stop doing it *shrug*

[Mount]

I did not rationalize....where did I?

 

I was saying when I FIRST heard he mentioned that I felt odd, and had no idea why he said that....I kind of remembered he mentioned when I asked, he felt that his house is more comfortable than mine...etc.

 

Yes you or everyone would say you should get out, the guy is jerk, user...etc but now it is what it is. Always easier saying than doing, I am doing the touch work here to get out the A.

 

LMAOOO Mount...are you kidding or what?

 

You just said he wishes you guys could have sex in his marital bed, now you're rationalizing it all and saying oh he just wants to show off his lovely home. LMAOOO! I'm literally over here laughing out loud

 

Anyway....you're doing a fine job of going in circles with yourself. You post constantly about how less than rosy this situation and man are then turn right back around and defend it or downplay obvious actions...I don't think there is much we can say.

 

You'll do it until you stop doing it *shrug*

[2sunny]

I agree with you totally. I think I have posted before, when we just started the A a couple months ago, I expressed my point of view that those men brought women to their home and slept on the marital bed, those men must HATE their wives very much. Then I noticed my MM had strange face expression and did not say anything.

 

Then over the time he had mentioned a couple times that instead of my place he wishes we were able to make it at his marital bed, which in reality it is not possible as his wife is always at home after work and weekends.

 

Then last weekend the only time I only agreed to drop by for a few mintues waiting for him put down his purchasing stuff.

 

However according to MM's speech that he still have family kind of love towards his wife, I dont sense hatred, I can only think he maybe wants to show off his lovely home, that is all.

 

Don't kid yourself... His actions alone show his disrespect for his wife - bring other women to he bed is just disputable on his part.

 

I hope you don't have sex in his home.

[Mount]

Of course I don't. I talk back to him with my POV at the very beginning.

 

Don't kid yourself... His actions alone show his disrespect for his wife - bring other women to he bed is just disputable on his part.

 

I hope you don't have sex in his home.

[2sunny]

Yes it is ending now...in progress.

 

I guess the topic from my distrust with MM to sociopath which is more deeper level of analysis from Pierre

 

There's never "a process" of ending it ... Either you end it or you don't.

 

There's no in between. More in between only causes more confusion to you.

 

He's using you = but you are ALLOWING it to happen!

[Mount]

Yes I am ending it. Not interested in having so-called "relationship" with the MM anymore. That is it.

 

Almost 6 months now, so it is enough...I am also a bit sick of it.

 

 

There's never "a process" of ending it ... Either you end it or you don't.

 

There's no in between. More in between only causes more confusion to you.

 

He's using you = but you are ALLOWING it to happen!

Edited November 19, 2012 by Mount

[Tenacity]

Yes I am ending it. Not interested in having so-called "relationship" with the MM anymore. That is it.

 

Almost 6 months now, so it is enough...I am also a bit sick of it.

 

No offense, but you seem very wishy-washy about this decision. You should be VERY sick of it!!!

 

So what is your plan? Did you delete all his contact information? Did you tell him not to contact you again?