Wifeandlover Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 Can anyone please help me? I'm so upset because my personal life is such a mess. Please bear with me and I'll explain: I've been with my husband for 20 years, we're both in our 50's and although I loved him when we first met I've never been IN love with him and I don't love him anymore. He's always been a drinker but he's always worked hard so I used to overlook his drinking but in the past four years he's given up work due to a bad back and all he does is sleep and drink which results in the both of us arguing about him sleeping, drinking and the lack of money coming in. On top of all that our sex life is zilch. I know this will be hard to believe but I haven't had sex with my husband for four years and that includes penetration, oral sex and masturbation. My husband has never had a high sex drive but now he has no sex drive at all which is driving me up the wall because I enjoy sex and this too is causing arguments. I tell him he's being selfish but he says he isn't. I even suggested I take a lover purely for sex but he's against that. I told him if he didn't give me sex or let me have an affair I wanted a divorce but he says no to that too. He says he loves me but how can he love me when he denies me sex and at the same time he doesn't want me to have sex with another man? In June 2011 I joined an online forum just to meet people, make new friends and have a bit of online fun. I met a married guy on the site and we hit it off. Neither of us went on the site intending to meet anyone but we clicked and one thing led to another. One day he told me he'd fallen in love with me and I told him I felt the same. He sent me some lovely gifts and intimate pm's, emails and phone texts. Since then my lover and I have been having a long distance affair for the past 16 months. We met for one evening in my hometown then we met again in his hometown where we spent four days together in a hotel. Despite our feelings for one another he told me he will never leave his wife for me even though he knows I'd leave my husband for him tomorrow if he asked me. Because of this I've fallen out with my lover so now I have two men in my life - one I want to leave and the other I love deeply - yet neither of them want me emotionally or sexually. I hope I don't come across as a hard, cold bitch who's using her lover as a meal ticket because her marriage is in trouble. It isn't like that. I'm so angry, upset and confused I feel like ending it all. Thank you for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
pcplod Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 WaL I Live In a Sexless Marriage | Group with Personal Stories, Forums and Chat Have a wee jaunt over to the link above and be prepared to be absolutely gob-smacked at what you will read there. There are woman on there lamenting the fact that they haven't had a sex life, much like you, for 20, 30, years. And of course, there are the men as well. Not all the advice is good and not all are welcoming or sympathetic, but there is and are enough to make it worth your while. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 Divorce your husband and look for your happiness elsewhere, since it seems there is nothing to be found in your marriage except more frustration. Do you have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 So are you saying your "lover" and you didn't have sex in the four days you were at the hotel? You said neither guy wants you emotionally or sexually. I don't understand. Either way you don't need your husband's approval to get a divorce. Just divorce, move on your own and meet another man who isn't married. Link to post Share on other sites
PeineDeCoeur Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 Can anyone please help me? I'm so upset because my personal life is such a mess. Please bear with me and I'll explain: I've been with my husband for 20 years, we're both in our 50's and although I loved him when we first met I've never been IN love with him and I don't love him anymore. He's always been a drinker but he's always worked hard so I used to overlook his drinking but in the past four years he's given up work due to a bad back and all he does is sleep and drink which results in the both of us arguing about him sleeping, drinking and the lack of money coming in. On top of all that our sex life is zilch. I know this will be hard to believe but I haven't had sex with my husband for four years and that includes penetration, oral sex and masturbation. My husband has never had a high sex drive but now he has no sex drive at all which is driving me up the wall because I enjoy sex and this too is causing arguments. I tell him he's being selfish but he says he isn't. I even suggested I take a lover purely for sex but he's against that. I told him if he didn't give me sex or let me have an affair I wanted a divorce but he says no to that too. He says he loves me but how can he love me when he denies me sex and at the same time he doesn't want me to have sex with another man? In June 2011 I joined an online forum just to meet people, make new friends and have a bit of online fun. I met a married guy on the site and we hit it off. Neither of us went on the site intending to meet anyone but we clicked and one thing led to another. One day he told me he'd fallen in love with me and I told him I felt the same. He sent me some lovely gifts and intimate pm's, emails and phone texts. Since then my lover and I have been having a long distance affair for the past 16 months. We met for one evening in my hometown then we met again in his hometown where we spent four days together in a hotel. Despite our feelings for one another he told me he will never leave his wife for me even though he knows I'd leave my husband for him tomorrow if he asked me. Because of this I've fallen out with my lover so now I have two men in my life - one I want to leave and the other I love deeply - yet neither of them want me emotionally or sexually. I hope I don't come across as a hard, cold bitch who's using her lover as a meal ticket because her marriage is in trouble. It isn't like that. I'm so angry, upset and confused I feel like ending it all. Thank you for listening. Get yourself into counselling as soon as possible. It will help you untangle all of your emotions and process what is happening - you will eventually find you know what needs to change in your life. I think you need to start considering separation and what that might look like for you... As far as the OM, the experience seems to have helped you realize that you want and need something you won't get from your marriage.. Take is as a learning experience, and try to move on. Focus on your life and not on the OM - he has already told you he won't leave and it sounds like this is unacceptable for you. THis turmoil is a gift - you have an opportunity to use this to change your life - a chance to turn things around and live a happier life. Take it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wifeandlover Posted November 18, 2012 Author Share Posted November 18, 2012 Thanks for all your replies. I really appreceate your advice. In answer to karnak: No, we don't have any children. In answer to stillafool: My lover and I did have sex during the four days we stayed at the hotel. What I meant when I said neither of them want me emotionally or sexually is my husband doesn't want me sexually and my lover doesn't want me emotionally meaning I feel he's used me for sex but doesn't want an all round relationship with me you know friendship, companionship as well as sex. Maybe emotional was the wrong word to use so I hope that explanation is clearer. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 My opinion is still the same. Time for you to search for your happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 i don't think you want the lover either, to be honest - you just needed that person to make you feel good about yourself again and give you some relief from what sounds like a loveless marriage at this point. if your lover isn't willing to leave his situation then you're setting yourself up for even further heartbreak and depression so please don't pursue that. you're already saying 'neither want you' and that isn't a healthy mindset. instead, pursue avenues to release yourself from the marriage. you are not obligated to stay with someone who is not fulfilling your needs and it sounds like your husband has problems that extend beyond the help you can provide him; since you do not have children together it makes it even easier for you. it's hard, especially given the length of time you've been together, but you will feel really good about yourself if you're able to move on and be happy, and you're still young enough to pursue anything/anyone after you're healed from this Link to post Share on other sites
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