I'm sorry I cheated... should I hope to reconcile

[gracesf]

That's a good step. Realizing that there's something better out there, realizing that it was your ex's problems that kept him abusive and nothing that you would do. The second step is loving yourself, who you are, even your quirks, all the things your ex would pick on, and making yourself so strong and so in love with yourself that no one can come in and tear you down ever again.

 

You got a taste of what the love of a good man can do, let it be infectious, he saw you as worthy now you need to believe it too.

 

Again what I'm saying isn't necessarily to get your bf back, because I want to be honest when I say that it just might not happen, but I think that most people deserve happiness and just because you made a mistake means you need to keep paying for it, the worse you feel about yourself the more you open yourself up to insecurities and we're right back where we started.

 

 

Thank you for being nice... I posted here because it seemed like such a supportive network and it turns out... its a universal truth... nobody likes a cheater!

[threebyfate]

If you really care about him and are remorseful, you'd leave him alone. Let him know this is why you're backing off, that you hurt him badly and that he deserved far better treatment. Also tell him that you're getting counseling for your issues.

 

Then you address your issues by getting counseling over why you would risk an emotionally healthy relationship, in order to have sex with a known abuser.

[KatZee]

WOW.... that's pretty rough... you don't believe that a good person can make a mistake? I made a series of bad decisions and I regret them...

 

No. I don't believe a good person can make a mistake.

 

1. Own up to your s.hit. This wasn't a mistake. This was a CHOICE. You chose to meet up with your ex. You chose to take your clothes off. You chose to have sex with him.

 

You could have CHOSEN to walk out the door. You could have CHOSEN to say no. You could have CHOSEN to not speak with your ex at all.

 

2. Good people don't take others so clearly for granted. They don't betray and lie intentionally. They then don't hide what they do.

 

You may "think" you're such a good person, but you're not. Cheaters are liars, cheaters and liars are inherently selfish. You wanted what you wanted, and you did whatever you felt like doing.

 

A "good person" would have broken up with a boyfriend before screwing someone else. A "good person" doesn't cake eat. A "good person" doesn't disrespect someone who loves and cares for them so horribly.

 

You thinking you're such a "good person" is your ego talking.

 

 

There are people who cheat and they get through it... we have a couple of friends who stayed together after infidelity and they are stronger and better then ever..

 

Of course. People stay with cheaters every single day. I did it. Does that mean the end result always turns out the way it did for them? Absolutely not. Also, guys are far less forgiving when it comes to cheating. It's more often that the girl stays with the guy, not the other way around.

 

and I'm genuinely sorry...

 

Maybe you are. But... that's it. That's the price you pay. There are consequences to your actions. You think that because you cheated and NOW you know what you had, now you're going to do the right thing? Have integrity and do the right thing from day one. Not once you lose something great.

[gracesf]

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. People make mistakes.

 

Thank you... I agree... we actually have some friends who were in a similar situation... similar not identical... one cheated they were just dating... he did confess and they ended up working things out and now they're better then ever...

 

I want that to be us... I know that I made a huge error in judgement... but I also know that i'm already taking the necessary steps to correct my mistake...

[gracesf]

I really feel for you here as I am going through a somewhat similar situation. It is always best to give him his space so that he has enough time to process what has happened and he needs to evaluate it to see if he can live with it (knowing that you were sexual with another man). If you are able to make ammends it will be a very different kind of relationship. I know guys do not like to be bugged, by calling them or texting them. He knows your stance, let it be...

 

 

Doesn't that feel like taking the easy way out... like walking away... like giving up? I don't want to walk away... or take the easy way out... or give up... I want to stand and fight and demonstrate my remorse... and prove that I can be better... I want to comfort and soothe and repair what I broke... to just say walk away feels like I'm getting off easy....

[rocketman122]

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. People make mistakes.

 

you say this because you probably had cheated in the past..?

 

for me, there is NOTHING to talk about. get your sheet and get the fkkk out, now. its that simple. im 100% devoted and loyal to the woman im with and I demand the same. if youre not happy, lets work it out. if you think there's nothing that can help, then lets go our separate ways.

 

to me he seems like he has no balls to get up and go. he's a weak person. she will do again, if the situation comes up. once a person cheats they have no fear to cross the line and do it again if the situation comes up.

[KatZee]

Doesn't that feel like taking the easy way out... like walking away... like giving up? I don't want to walk away... or take the easy way out... or give up... I want to stand and fight and demonstrate my remorse... and prove that I can be better... I want to comfort and soothe and repair what I broke... to just say walk away feels like I'm getting off easy....

 

Do not push yourself on him. You hurt him and I can't even tell you how horrible it feels. I was there. Right now he can't stand the sight of your face. So you better stay away. The one person that was there to comfort him, is the same person who did him so wrong. He asked for space. Respect it.

[scarlet.vixn]

Wow...Threebyfate kinda just said everything I said but like...in ten words.

 

Gracesf, nobody likes a cheater, but what you've done in the past isn't necessarily who you are, and if you can change your future then you can become anything you want to be.

[gracesf]

No. I don't believe a good person can make a mistake.

 

1. Own up to your s.hit. This wasn't a mistake. This was a CHOICE. You chose to meet up with your ex. You chose to take your clothes off. You chose to have sex with him.

 

You could have CHOSEN to walk out the door. You could have CHOSEN to say no. You could have CHOSEN to not speak with your ex at all.

 

2. Good people don't take others so clearly for granted. They don't betray and lie intentionally. They then don't hide what they do.

 

You may "think" you're such a good person, but you're not. Cheaters are liars, cheaters and liars are inherently selfish. You wanted what you wanted, and you did whatever you felt like doing.

 

A "good person" would have broken up with a boyfriend before screwing someone else. A "good person" doesn't cake eat. A "good person" doesn't disrespect someone who loves and cares for them so horribly.

 

You thinking you're such a "good person" is your ego talking.

 

 

 

 

Of course. People stay with cheaters every single day. I did it. Does that mean the end result always turns out the way it did for them? Absolutely not. Also, guys are far less forgiving when it comes to cheating. It's more often that the girl stays with the guy, not the other way around.

 

 

 

Maybe you are. But... that's it. That's the price you pay. There are consequences to your actions. You think that because you cheated and NOW you know what you had, now you're going to do the right thing? Have integrity and do the right thing from day one. Not once you lose something great.

 

 

I have and am owning up to it... I've acknowledged both here and to him that there is no excuse for my actions and my choices... but we are neither solely the bad things that we do or the good things that we do... for a woman who has galations in her signature you seem relatively poor in grace and redemption....

 

And our couple who managed to work things out after the cheating... were both men... maybe it is usually the woman who takes the man back but it doesn't have to be that way...

 

Katzee... I know you were hurt by a cheater... but honestly I feel terrible about it already... I'm literally being torn apart at school... I went out with friends last night and some girl I don't even know practically broke my window calling me a who** and pounding on it... and my guy friend who walked me to my car literally got kicked by that same group of women merely for being seen with me...

 

I've had people refuse to be my partners in class... I've had people literally get up and walk away when I sit down at a table... I assure you I am owning and wearing my scarlet letter all day every day...

 

All I was asking was if there was anyway at all I could repair the damage I've done to this relationship... to this person... anyway... anyway at all....

 

If you don't think so then thank you very much for your opinion... but please don't continue to tear me down... I'm facing that all day every day!

[KatZee]

you say this because you probably had cheated in the past..?

 

for me, there is NOTHING to talk about. get your sheet and get the fkkk out, now. its that simple. im 100% devoted and loyal to the woman im with and I demand the same. if youre not happy, lets work it out. if you think there's nothing that can help, then lets go our separate ways.

 

to me he seems like he has no balls to get up and go. he's a weak person. she will do again, if the situation comes up. once a person cheats they have no fear to cross the line and do it again if the situation comes up.

 

I absolutely love when people call cheating a mistake. It makes me want to laugh right in their face.

 

Getting off the wrong exit on the freeway is a mistake. Putting on two different socks is a mistake.

 

CHEATING IS A CHOICE PEOPLE.

[gracesf]

Do not push yourself on him. You hurt him and I can't even tell you how horrible it feels. I was there. Right now he can't stand the sight of your face. So you better stay away. The one person that was there to comfort him, is the same person who did him so wrong. He asked for space. Respect it.

 

 

You can say he doesn't want to see my face... but you weren't there... he literally melts into me, he acknowledged that it felt good and comforting to have me there... and more than what you've done so far he's acknowledged that I am a good person, who made a bad series of choices...

 

Thank you KatZee for your opinion... but please don't cross over into the tearing someone else down arena... is loveshack not a place where one can come for community and support... as I've told you on another forum, I'm already being treated like the Pariah at school... already being called a slut, already having random girls downtown banging on my window and kicking my guy friend who walked me to my car simply for being seen with me... trust me there are enough people in the world executing your fierce judgement upon me... I'm just not sure that loveshack needs to become that places as well...

[KatZee]

for a woman who has galations in her signature you seem relatively poor in grace and redemption....

 

If you read what it says, it says "you reap what you sow." That is aimed directly at my cheating ex. I didn't put anything about feeling redemption or forgiveness.

 

 

All I was asking was if there was anyway at all I could repair the damage I've done to this relationship... to this person... anyway... anyway at all....

 

If you don't think so then thank you very much for your opinion... but please don't continue to tear me down... I'm facing that all day every day!

 

That sucks that you're going through that now, but now you see what happens. This is the same thing that happens if a married man has an affair with a co-worker. Her world will just implode on itself. She will lose a job, lose friends, have the reputation of the w.hore like you. Cheating has SERIOUS consequences, especially if you're cheating with questionable people. They will RUIN you.

 

And honestly, I don't see how he will ever get back with you. He has way too many people in his corner sticking up for him, and you better BELIEVE they are trashing your name every chance they get to him. I can't for the life of me imagine how he would ever get back with you after hearing what these people think of you, and how these other people are now supporting him and telling him he can do better.

 

If this was a private affair... I'd say MAYBE you had a shot. With it being this public and exposed? No. I don't think he's going to sit around being embarrassed any further.

[KatZee]

You can say he doesn't want to see my face... but you weren't there... he literally melts into me, he acknowledged that it felt good and comforting to have me there... and more than what you've done so far he's acknowledged that I am a good person, who made a bad series of choices...

 

Thank you KatZee for your opinion... but please don't cross over into the tearing someone else down arena... is loveshack not a place where one can come for community and support... as I've told you on another forum, I'm already being treated like the Pariah at school... already being called a slut, already having random girls downtown banging on my window and kicking my guy friend who walked me to my car simply for being seen with me... trust me there are enough people in the world executing your fierce judgement upon me... I'm just not sure that loveshack needs to become that places as well...

 

I don't think anyone (who is mentally healthy and sane) will ever support a cheater. There are way too many people being screwed every single day by cheating and it ruins EVERYTHING.

 

I don't care if he "melts into you" or whatever else he said. You wouldn't even believe the s.hit I SAID to my ex when he confessed to cheating. I was the one asking HIM! if we were still together.

 

He's in a fog right now. He's extremely hurt. He has no idea what is going on.

 

It's clear you've never been cheated on. You have NO IDEA what it feels like. I would rather be shot in the face than cheated on again, THAT'S how painful it is.

 

His thoughts and emotions WILL clear in time. Right now, they're all over the place. And you're in for ONE hell of a s.hitstorm because it's coming for you. Once I was done being so pathetic with my ex... I told you in a previous post, he saw the hate in my eyes. It was not a good place to be. I couldn't stand to be around him, or near him. The thought of him made me sick.

 

This is what cheating does. There are NO exceptions. There are stages of healing from infidelity and you're in for one wild ride.

[gracesf]

And honestly, I don't see how he will ever get back with you. He has way too many people in his corner sticking up for him, and you better BELIEVE they are trashing your name every chance they get to him. I can't for the life of me imagine how he would ever get back with you after hearing what these people think of you, and how these other people are now supporting him and telling him he can do better.

 

If this was a private affair... I'd say MAYBE you had a shot. With it being this public and exposed? No. I don't think he's going to sit around being embarrassed any further.

 

 

Ok... so here's the point... here's the reason why I'm here... you're right... they're right... I messed up... I made a slut of myself and its been exposed in a very, very public way...

 

however, he has been progressively getting kinder and softer... for example I told him a few days ago that I hated his gchat status that it made me feel like he'd already moved on... and he took it down...

 

Last night I said something about **** talking... and he said the dust has settled and no one is **** talking me anymore... I told him last night I was going out with friends and he said I'm really glad you aren't alone...

he said "I know you're sorry. I really do you're the only one to ever want me back this badly. But that doesn't mean I should take you back RIGHT AWAY. This is a bad situation. Really really bad. I need time to digest the good... and the bad."

 

He said he's forgiven me, that he knows I'm a good person and that he knows I made a series of really bad choices. He also spoke to one of the girls whose being so vicious to me and asked her to stop. He also went out of his way to talk to a guy who had said some pretty hateful stuff to me before we ever started dating... I mean this was ages ago. He didn't have to talk to that guy... but he did... he went to back for me and asked this guy to apologize to me.

 

He's said he can't forget the good and the bad. No matter how much time passes I'll still remember both. He's said he knows I'm sorry and he sees trying but that he's still at the thinking part of this whole thing.

 

He told me that all he has ever wanted for me is for me to be happy.

 

He said... I know you're not happy but try to be. This isn't the way to live life. you know you did wrong. you know you ****ed up bad. you see that. Others see it too. so try to fix yourself now... laugh, joke, smile.

 

He said the only way he can know if it will ever happen again is if he has time to himself to be alone to think.

 

He said we'll talk after thanksgiving. I asked him to be soft... and at first he said he couldn't, he had to feel whatever he was feeling and couldn't be soft on command. to which I said it matters Simon, what you say outloud to others matters, and I know youve talked a bunch of crap to a bunch of people... so please let me be the one to go to bat for myself... please let me be the one to whom you remember the good things about me outloud... to which he replied "you made me truly happy. just looking into your eyes for a second without you noticing made my heart smile. I try to think about all that. i'll never forget those feelings.

 

I asked him how he felt about how everyone was treating me and how I was responding.

 

he said: "it upsets me how everyone is treating you. on one side it shows me they care about me and on the other side I don't like how its making you feel or look. I think you're handling it very well. You know what you did and you're taking the consequences on the chin I can see and hear the sadness and the slight anger when you bring up everyone knowing, but then I see you catch yourself quickly.

 

These aren't the things that someone who hates you and is trying to get over you says right?

 

I mean these things breath hope into my soul... am I foolish though?

[gracesf]

however, he has been progressively getting kinder and softer... for example I told him a few days ago that I hated his gchat status that it made me feel like he'd already moved on... and he took it down...

 

Last night I said something about **** talking... and he said the dust has settled and no one is **** talking me anymore... I told him last night I was going out with friends and he said I'm really glad you aren't alone...

he said "I know you're sorry. I really do you're the only one to ever want me back this badly. But that doesn't mean I should take you back RIGHT AWAY. This is a bad situation. Really really bad. I need time to digest the good... and the bad."

 

He said he's forgiven me, that he knows I'm a good person and that he knows I made a series of really bad choices. He also spoke to one of the girls whose being so vicious to me and asked her to stop. He also went out of his way to talk to a guy who had said some pretty hateful stuff to me before we ever started dating... I mean this was ages ago. He didn't have to talk to that guy... but he did... he went to back for me and asked this guy to apologize to me.

 

He's said he can't forget the good and the bad. No matter how much time passes I'll still remember both. He's said he knows I'm sorry and he sees trying but that he's still at the thinking part of this whole thing.

 

He told me that all he has ever wanted for me is for me to be happy.

 

He said... I know you're not happy but try to be. This isn't the way to live life. you know you did wrong. you know you ****ed up bad. you see that. Others see it too. so try to fix yourself now... laugh, joke, smile.

 

He said the only way he can know if it will ever happen again is if he has time to himself to be alone to think.

 

He said we'll talk after thanksgiving. I asked him to be soft... and at first he said he couldn't, he had to feel whatever he was feeling and couldn't be soft on command. to which I said it matters Simon, what you say outloud to others matters, and I know youve talked a bunch of crap to a bunch of people... so please let me be the one to go to bat for myself... please let me be the one to whom you remember the good things about me outloud... to which he replied "you made me truly happy. just looking into your eyes for a second without you noticing made my heart smile. I try to think about all that. i'll never forget those feelings.

 

I asked him how he felt about how everyone was treating me and how I was responding.

 

he said: "it upsets me how everyone is treating you. on one side it shows me they care about me and on the other side I don't like how its making you feel or look. I think you're handling it very well. You know what you did and you're taking the consequences on the chin I can see and hear the sadness and the slight anger when you bring up everyone knowing, but then I see you catch yourself quickly.

 

These aren't the things that someone who hates you and is trying to get over you says right?

 

I mean these things breath hope into my soul... am I foolish though?

[KatZee]

I mean, if he decides to give you a second chance... that's his decision. And if he feels he can forgive... more power to him.

 

Before I was cheated on I didn't think that "once a cheater, always a cheater." Now I absolutely do. Now I know I should have dumped him when he told me.

 

But I stayed, and I learned that lesson. Perhaps this is a lesson for him to learn.

 

Even if he does say he "forgives you" I can tell you the relationship won't be the same. The trust that you've just destroyed... it really doesn't come back. It may come back slightly but you'll never have his full trust again.

 

I never trusted my bf after he told me. I found myself straining to look at his phone when he was on it. I dug through his computer. I would try to find out information of where he was, who he was with... this is NO way to live, and these are the consequences to cheating, there are NO exceptions to this.

 

And because it's clear he's never been cheated on, and you're the new cheater... I can tell you that this relationship won't work out. There's many things cheaters and cheatees need to do to heal from this... it's not as easy as, "I forgive you now lets move on."

 

There is now doubts, no trust, insecurity, a huge blow to his ego, he now things, "why him? Why wasn't I good enough? Why aren't I enough?"

 

I really wouldn't doubt it if he DID take you back, only to dump you months down the line because it won't be the same.

 

You guys sound young. Not to be the one sucking all the air out of your balloon, but this won't be the guy you marry.

[gracesf]

Okay... so we're not that young.... we're grad students in our late 20's...

 

we've both been cheated on before... I never hit the angry stage... not like you did KatZee... I was hurt and wounded and vulnerable... but never angry... he's been angry before... but he's not angry now...

 

and he... he's always walked away... always shut the door the moment that he found out someone cheated on him... I'm the only one he's ever talked to after the fact... the only one he didn't close up on...

 

Please... reading what he said... knowing that I'm the only one, he's still talked to... I mean really... I think there's hope here... doesn't it sound like there is hope here?

[veggirl]

wow your boyfriend is a sad little man. you cheat on him and he ends up comforting you and calling you a good person. unreal.

 

I don't think for one second you realize what you've done. the fact that you would even make this about YOUR feelings for a SECOND (omg i hate your gchat update!!) really says it all.

 

YOU asked him to "be soft" ?!

 

why should he be soft to you?? you think you deserve that?

 

you are very, very self-absorbed. all of this is STILL about you. not him at all.

 

this dude needs to find his balls.

[veggirl]

whoa I thought you were like 19 with all this stupid drama. really people kicking windows and s.hit? and "I don't like your gchat status".

 

You need to leave him alone. let him process what you did to him. and STOP MAKING IT ABOUT YOU!!! you have NO right to ask ANYTHING of him. you have no right to guilt him about ANYTHING. not his gchat status, not what other people do to you, nothing! you did this to him, not the other way around. you reek of selfishness with the way you are handling this, i'm sorry.

[KatZee]

He loves you. That's the only reason why he's debating staying. He's doing the same thing I did. I couldn't physically walk away from my ex despite what I knew I should have done.

 

I just don't think any lasting relationship happens after an infidelity. Why would he marry you now? You couldn't even be honest while dating, now he's going to trust you won't betray him in a marriage?

 

He might give you a second chance... I just don't think it'll last too much longer after the "reconciliation."

 

He's been cheated on multiple times in the past, he's walked. I think the dynamic will eventually change, and I don't think the anger is done for him. It'll come and go. It'll be replaced with depression, sadness, among other things.

[gracesf]

wow your boyfriend is a sad little man. you cheat on him and he ends up comforting you and calling you a good person. unreal.

 

I don't think for one second you realize what you've done. the fact that you would even make this about YOUR feelings for a SECOND (omg i hate your gchat update!!) really says it all.

 

YOU asked him to "be soft" ?!

 

why should he be soft to you?? you think you deserve that?

 

you are very, very self-absorbed. all of this is STILL about you. not him at all.

 

this dude needs to find his balls.

 

yeah this post is all about me, but it's not all about me when I'm with him... I've told him numerous times that he's been far kinder to me then I deserve... I don't deserve a moment of his time, a kind look or a kind gesture...

 

But whether or not I deserve it, he's a good enough person to offer it... this is part of the reason why I'm realizing what a good man he is... it's not about not having balls... its about being a decent human being even when it's hard.... Please don't judge or condemn him... he's been kind and wonderful.. and he's oh so hurt... I'm the one who made the reprehensible choices... not him...

 

All I'm looking for here is whether or not it sounds like he might take me back... all I'm looking for here is how do I respect him and yet keep pushing for that softness... he went from not talking to me... to be soft with me... I pushed for that... and he kept getting softer... I don't want to push so hard that I push him away or disrespect him.. I care deeply for him... and I don't want to walk away or lose him... I want to respect him...so please don't judge him... he's a good gentle kind amazing person... and I am seeing that more now than ever..

[KatZee]

all I'm looking for here is how do I respect him and yet keep pushing for that softness... he went from not talking to me... to be soft with me... I pushed for that... and he kept getting softer..

 

You need to stop with this. Veggirl is right, you don't DESERVE any "softness" or kindness from him. You have no right asking for this either.

 

One thing cheaters need to accept is the real and true emotions of their cheatees. All you're doing is trying to push it down. He NEEDS to lash out at you, and you NEED to see how you've made him feel.

 

You ARE making this about you. Frankly your feelings mean dick at this point. Sorry to be so blunt, but you really don't matter here.

 

You're not allowing him to process anything, you're being a pain in the a.ss and asking him to be something for you after you just did the most disgusting thing possible! STOP IT! Leave him alone! If he's going to come back to you, let him come back on his own accord, not because you keep pushing him. You ARE being selfish whether you see it or not.

[gracesf]

I'm sorry for the 14 threads... but I really wanted a response... come on... you've done it before... and there aren't 14 there are 4....

 

KatZee I can absorb the anger and the frustration and the waves...

 

and I like it that he loves me... and I know this isn't the typical way things start... but our story isn't written its not written yet...

 

so... I'm guessing by the way your tone has changed... that it does sound like he is considering taking me back....

 

come on... ya'll might hate what I did... I hate it to... but you really don't think that you can build something beautiful from the ashes...

 

do you think I should have hope that we'll get back together after thanksgiving

[KatZee]

Yeah, he may be considering taking you back-- i was in the same spot he was. But I never said anything about it being the right decision.

 

That is the biggest regret I have. That is the biggest mistake I made. Staying with him.

 

Yours may be learning this lesson right now. I would never stay with a cheater again, no matter how much I loved him. The only person I will ever love that much again, is myself.

 

Who knows. Maybe it'll work out, but it's not likely.

[gracesf]

Yeah, he may be considering taking you back-- i was in the same spot he was. But I never said anything about it being the right decision.

 

That is the biggest regret I have. That is the biggest mistake I made. Staying with him.

 

Yours may be learning this lesson right now. I would never stay with a cheater again, no matter how much I loved him. The only person I will ever love that much again, is myself.

 

Who knows. Maybe it'll work out, but it's not likely.

 

Okay... so I hear your doom and gloom prediction, and I'll tackle that when I come... but in the meantime am I foolish for getting my hopes up... I know you don't believe cheaters can change... but for just a minute lets pretend for the best of all best possible situations... so if this is the best... and my opinion is that getting a second chance would be the best.... I mean these things sound hopeful right? but then he's also said he doesn't want to take me back because he doesn't want to deal with the anxiety of being with someone who broke trust... and then he says that we'll talk and he's thinking and he's open... I just don't know what to do....