I'm sorry I cheated... should I hope to reconcile

[Lois]

You come across as very, very, very manipulative.

 

The kindest thing you could do is to leave this poor guy alone. You have hurt him enough.

[KatZee]

Okay... so I hear your doom and gloom prediction, and I'll tackle that when I come... but in the meantime am I foolish for getting my hopes up... I know you don't believe cheaters can change... but for just a minute lets pretend for the best of all best possible situations... so if this is the best... and my opinion is that getting a second chance would be the best.... I mean these things sound hopeful right? but then he's also said he doesn't want to take me back because he doesn't want to deal with the anxiety of being with someone who broke trust... and then he says that we'll talk and he's thinking and he's open... I just don't know what to do....

 

I wouldn't get your hopes up at all. This isn't like you fibbed and he's a bit upset. You just murdered the relationship. It's serious.

 

Your opinion also doesn't really matter either. Why are you saying a second chance is the best? Best for who? You? It's NOT the best for him.

 

Let me try to put into words what it feels like to love someone so much, and to have that person cheat on you. It's devastating. Because the one person you would take a bullet for, is the person who is holding the trigger. I couldn't walk away from him, and that's why I stayed.

 

But being with him tortured me mentally and emotionally. Every single day was a struggle staying with him. Having him try to kiss me, hug me, knowing that he was doing that with his ex and betraying me.

 

The mind movies are what's worse. Picturing them together. Thinking about them talking about me and then having sex together. I loved him and hated him all at once. I loved him too much to walk away, I wish I had hated him enough to walk.

 

He is absolutely right when he says, "he doesn't want to take me back because he doesn't want to deal with the anxiety of being with someone who broke trust." --- this is the worst part of staying with a cheater. Always having to look over your shoulder to watch what you're doing. Who you're talking to. Who you're with. Who you're chatting with on your phone and online... it's a joke. I already said it before, this is NO way to live. People need to feel safe and secure in relationships, they don't need to feel like a babysitter.

 

The only reason, and I mean ONLY reason he's debating staying is because he loves you, but love is not enough, and I believe he'll come to that decision on his own no matter how hard it may be. I think he'll eventually walk away. Maybe not right this second, but he will wind up walking.

[gracesf]

You come across as very, very, very manipulative.

 

The kindest thing you could do is to leave this poor guy alone. You have hurt him enough.

 

 

I'm not trying to manipulate him... I'm sorry... I just don't want to lose something wonderful... I messed up in a big way... that's why I'm here... I'm here trying to figure out the best way to proceed... right... when you aren't sure you ask other people... you check in... that's what I'm doing... I'm just trying to sort it out and figure out how to respect him and not lose something great because i messed up...

[threebyfate]

This is like flashback time. The hustler mentality, reminiscent of the ex-husband who cheated, who was clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

While his mouth uttered the remorse words, his only concern was for himself and his desire to continue with our marriage. My emotions only mattered from the perspective that they're something we should move forward from.

[ThaWholigan]

I'm not trying to manipulate him... I'm sorry... I just don't want to lose something wonderful... I messed up in a big way... that's why I'm here... I'm here trying to figure out the best way to proceed... right... when you aren't sure you ask other people... you check in... that's what I'm doing... I'm just trying to sort it out and figure out how to respect him and not lose something great because i messed up...

In my honest and humble opinion, I think the best thing you can do for both of you is to leave this guy alone. It is going to be very difficult, but if he takes you back, you won't really realize the gravity of what you have done. You almost do, but you don't really. The best way to learn for you would be to remove yourself from that situation.

 

I don't think you will "always" be a cheater, but all it takes is one time to destroy everything you have built inside and outside a relationship. It shows a person who is capable of an act so untrustworthy that it would be emotionally reckless to put trust in such a person. Unfortunately for you, it's the ultimate price to pay.

 

The last thing you need is to be taken back in my opinion - you won't have learned anything and neither will he have learned if he does take you back. The best thing for you is a complete re-evaluation. The sad part is that you have already lost him and it is unlikely he will ever truly be back. You are better off letting him go and figuring things out on your own so he can do the same. That is the best way to proceed.

 

Good luck.

[Dazed_Confused1989]

I just don't want to lose something wonderful... I messed up in a big way... that's why I'm here... I'm here trying to figure out the best way to proceed... right... when you aren't sure you ask other people... you check in... that's what I'm doing... I'm just trying to sort it out and figure out how to respect him and not lose something great because i messed up...

 

Leave him be. He's been through enough and frankly, he deserves better. You owe it to him to let him be alone right now. He knows you're in pain and how you feel - but you trying harder and harder isn't going to make it better.

 

There are no easy lessons in life. If he comes back, that is his choice. But for now, do not contact him.

[stillafool]

 

I know I kept going back to my ex because the cycle of abuse was addicting. I know I kept going back because although he could destroy my self esteem with one word, he could also send me soaring... and I see now that he knew he could do it and used that often against me.

 

 

 

 

I think you should leave your current ex alone and go back to your abusive ex. If you take back the nice ex what is to prevent you from going back to the abusive one the next time you want to "soar". Your recent ex will never get the mental picture of you and your abusive ex out of his mind. He treated you well, the other treated you like a dog and you couldn't wait to fall back in bed with him. Why would your current ex trust you again? He would be stupid to do that. I think when he said "A new day" or whatever he was talking about starting a new life without you. Just leave the guy alone so he can find a girl who will appreciate having a nice guy.

[NavyAirTraffic]

I'll take a different approach here. One thing you need to keep in mind is IF he ever takes you back your relationship has changed forever. IF he takes you back be prepared for months/years of emotional struggles. He will always see you as a cheat, he will always look for proof you won't do it again, he might try to cheat on you to "get even". Be prepared to answer the same questions over and over and over again, like "why'd you do it" "was he good" "is he bigger than me" etc etc. You won't win an argument for the next year, you can't complain for a while, you can't cancel plans because if you do he has the ultimate comeback. If you're concerned he's cheating, if he's going out with female "friends" you can't say anything, you'll have to take it. If he gets over it, it will take a LONG time, a long time of dealing with being a second class GF (which you are). You will begin to doubt him getting over it (how many questions do I need to answer, will he ever trust me again), you will begin to get sick of being treated like a second class GF (which you are again).

 

Listen to everyone here and just leave, for both of your sakes. Stop apologizing, you did what you did, your apologies don't mean much (to him or us). Just learn from it, you can't change the past.

[Stillalive1]

He is a decent human being,you are not,he deserves better.

[samsungxoxo]

Now I've read countless of cheating stories here but this is so contradicting. You cheat on a guy that cares about you and you said it yourself how he never lashed out with your abusive ex bf??

 

I think your current bf is more hurt that it had to be your ex bf that confessed instead of you and the fact that he treated you badly must be making your bf feel like a loser. I, like many women are looking for a guy like your bf but can't find him still. You had it right there so it doesn't make sense that you let go of something wonderful for some garbage.

 

I think the best you can do is continue answering his questions and be absolutely honest if you want to work this out....as long as he wants to talk to you that is. If not or if he only wants you as a friend, then let him go and start new with another guy but don't cheat again.

 

I do believe you're sorry but learn to stop going for trashy men. I wouldn't even put up with a man yelling at me nor standing up to me like I were a man.

[gracesf]

I'll take a different approach here. One thing you need to keep in mind is IF he ever takes you back your relationship has changed forever. IF he takes you back be prepared for months/years of emotional struggles. He will always see you as a cheat, he will always look for proof you won't do it again, he might try to cheat on you to "get even". Be prepared to answer the same questions over and over and over again, like "why'd you do it" "was he good" "is he bigger than me" etc etc. You won't win an argument for the next year, you can't complain for a while, you can't cancel plans because if you do he has the ultimate comeback. If you're concerned he's cheating, if he's going out with female "friends" you can't say anything, you'll have to take it. If he gets over it, it will take a LONG time, a long time of dealing with being a second class GF (which you are). You will begin to doubt him getting over it (how many questions do I need to answer, will he ever trust me again), you will begin to get sick of being treated like a second class GF (which you are again).

 

Listen to everyone here and just leave, for both of your sakes. Stop apologizing, you did what you did, your apologies don't mean much (to him or us). Just learn from it, you can't change the past.

 

 

did you read the whole thread... do you think it sounds like he might be considering giving me a second chance... I won't to hold onto to hope if its worth it... but I don't want to hold onto to hope only to be crushed all over again when he walks away... just in all honesty what does it sound like?

[gracesf]

Now I've read countless of cheating stories here but this is so contradicting. You cheat on a guy that cares about you and you said it yourself how he never lashed out with your abusive ex bf??

 

I think your current bf is more hurt that it had to be your ex bf that confessed instead of you and the fact that he treated you badly must be making your bf feel like a loser. I, like many women are looking for a guy like your bf but can't find him still. You had it right there so it doesn't make sense that you let go of something wonderful for some garbage.

 

I think the best you can do is continue answering his questions and be absolutely honest if you want to work this out....as long as he wants to talk to you that is. If not or if he only wants you as a friend, then let him go and start new with another guy but don't cheat again.

 

I do believe you're sorry but learn to stop going for trashy men. I wouldn't even put up with a man yelling at me nor standing up to me like I were a man.

 

 

I know I messed up... and it is contradicting... it feels contradicting... because I did have a great guy, I just got caught up in this cycle of crazy my ex created around me... its not an excuse I made terrible choices... and although this sounds contradicting, I really am seeing what an amazing guy my bf was by the way he's handling himself through this terrible situation.

[KatZee]

did you read the whole thread... do you think it sounds like he might be considering giving me a second chance... I won't to hold onto to hope if its worth it... but I don't want to hold onto to hope only to be crushed all over again when he walks away... just in all honesty what does it sound like?

 

You're really not listening to anyone here are you? Even if he DOES give you a second chance, everything NavyAirTraffic said is spot on. The relationship is not going to be a good one. You're not going to be happy. He's not going to be happy.

 

This wouldn't be a "second chance" after something trivial, I honestly think this second chance would just be delaying the inevitable breakup.

 

You're so concerned about having a "second chance" and you're not even listening to the emotional torture he'll be going through...

 

Even if he DOES love you and gives you a second chance, you will never make him fully happy ever again.

[KatZee]

Also, I think it's a waste of time to create thread after thread asking if we feel he's going to give you a second chance.

 

A betrayed person's thoughts often go from one end of the spectrum to the other, we can't tell you whether or not he's going to take you back.

 

You should instead be asking people how you can get to the root of your issues, discuss your abusive ex, get into therapy for that... THAT is more productive to you than all of this.

 

I honestly feel like if your abusive ex never exposed this, you would have continued going back to him time and time again. The only reason you aren't now, is because YOU CAN'T.

Edited November 18, 2012 by KatZee

[samsungxoxo]

I know I messed up... and it is contradicting... it feels contradicting... because I did have a great guy, I just got caught up in this cycle of crazy my ex created around me... its not an excuse I made terrible choices... and although this sounds contradicting, I really am seeing what an amazing guy my bf was by the way he's handling himself through this terrible situation.

Have you told him about this site? Maybe he can also post here and we'll be glad to help him out too.

 

If he sees your posts, it might help him see how guilty and horrible you're feeling.

[samsungxoxo]

You should instead be asking people how you can get to the root of your issues, discuss your abusive ex, get into therapy for that... THAT is more productive to you than all of this.

That's just about the only thing I agree. The OP needs to find out what's leading her to make wrong choices as well as following for abusive patterns. That involves the help of a therapist or psychologist.

 

But I think this is going to take a long process and so therefore it's better that she takes a break from dating. I imagine if her bf takes her back, it will complicate things: she wouldn't only be dealing with regaining his trust back as well as his hurt but also her personal issues. IMO that's too much to deal with.

[gracesf]

I caved and contacted him... this is what I said:

 

I went 24 hours and 27 minutes without contacting you... I'm trying to respect you... Please see the good here... I know I did damage, and I'm sorry I lied... I was ashamed of who I was and the choices I had made and if I didn't like me then how could I expect you to? So I lied and hid, from everyone...

 

Hiding parts of me that I thought were too horrible to let anyone see, hiding and pretending... I know who I am at the core, I know what I believe and value, but somewhere in the mess of my life last year it got easier to believe the horrible things my ex would say about me and with every bad decision I made I felt like that terrible person he said I was became more and more real... and it became harder to see or believe the good in me... But now every horrible things is out in broad daylight and I see that I'm not terrible, I'm human I made terrible choices but I'm still a beautiful human mess...

 

I know that I'll never cheat again because I know that the hiding, and pretending it fractures your soul... I know that I'll never cheat again because the cycle is broken... I didn't cheat because I thought someone was better then you... I cheated because I didn't think I deserved to be treated well.. I know better now because even after I was horrible to you... You've been kind and honorable...you are one of the kindest, most honorable, and genuine people I have ever known... To have lost you is and will always be one of my deepest regrets...

 

Please see that there's hope and good here... As ridiculous as it is I see more then ever what an amazing man you are... And it doesn't seem fair... It doesn't seem fair that I dragged you into my mess, crushed you and yet you've given me so much... I want to give to you... I want to build you up, and support you and bring good and joyful things into your life...

 

 

I am sorry if the text is too intrusive... I'm trying I really am... I think of you a hundred thousand times a day... I counted the minutes and hours until I felt like it would be okay to call and text... For what its worth... this not talking feels like running away... I want to stand up and own what I've done, I want to grovel and plead and show my remorse, I want to begin the hard work of earning your trust again...

 

But for now I'll begin by trying again to not contact you... Know though that I'm thinking of you... and already counting the moments until I can talk to you.... Please remember the good... Please don't let your heart grow angry and cold... please I'm here and whether you take me back or not I'm working on me, I'm growing and getting help and the me I'll be at the end of this will be stronger and better and more complete, and should I ever get another chance with you I will spend every breath ensuring you don't regret it...

 

I hope you have a really great day, and I hope you remember the good.

[Sameold]

You're not going to like this but I'll give you a few reasons why things will never be the same again.

a) You cheated on him

b) You didn't have the balls to tell him

c) If you wern't exposed you would have gone back to the ex for more sex

d) Your bf is left with mental images of you sucking your ex's penis and everything else.

e) He will never ever trust you again

 

Cheating is generally a deal breaker and you begging for a chance is just typical for a cheater getting caught. Remember that people in life are judged by their actions and not their words. It doesn't matter what you say now or if you think your a good person. If you really cared about your bf you wouldn't have done is. It was your choice, all yours. No ones but yours. You wanted to do it and you did, despite the devastation you would cause your bf.

 

You don't just get to "regret" things like this in life. You can regret getting hammered and doing something stupid, gambling away money, punching someone, telling a lie now and again. But you can't get away with getting naked and sleeping with someone. You need to just leave this now and you need to learn from this. Sorry for harshness.

 

Best thing you can do is stop contact and if at some point he comes back then speak to him, rest assured though that the relationship will never ever be what it was and will ultimately be bad for you both.

[samsungxoxo]

Sameold you said it in the best way without being too hard on the OP but just honest. I agree the OP's bf will not have that same, innocent and blind trust in her anymore.

 

I don't know but if I were the OP, I would be too embarrassed to even look at the person I cheated on in the eye and beg for second chance. I would have walked away.

[RR1]

Unfortunately i would have to go with pretty much all of the above thoughts from several posters. Trust is a very hard thing to build-up and it takes time, at least it does for many of us. It takes but one foolish act to destroy it completely. That's why we should always value those we can trust.

 

Once trust is destoyed it can never be completely rebuilt, it can be sort of patched up but never truly rebuilt. He will always have those nagging doubts in the back of his mind no matter what you do, it's a shame but unfortunately true.

 

As others have sid you have to learn from the mistake and move on.

[gracesf]

Wow... so not one of you... no one on here thinks that you can rebuild a relationship after cheating?

 

Nobody on here knows a couple that healed and recovered after cheating? What a dismal place it is on loveshack... I mean I know everybody's been hurt... but no one actually still believes that beauty can come from ashes?

 

I hope we prove you wrong!

 

His response was:

 

Thank you for that. This is exactly what you need as a person. YOu need this time to think and grow. You weren't a real person while we were dating... you were a combination of different lies and misconceptions. Take this time to discover your true. And don't do it for me... do it for yourself. I would hate to wake up everyday to put on a mask of something I'm not. Find out what it means to be yourself.

 

 

I think there's value and honesty there... but it also sounds like he's with ya'll and closing the door... closing it gently... but still closing it...

[RR1]

You know Grace after reading your last post i've got to say i admire your fighting spirit. If you are going to work things out that's just the sort of attitude you are going to need. I hope you do prove us wrong and manage to sort things out. I was personally thinking about it from my own point of view, i know i would probably not be able to forget but then this is about you and your bf and if the two of you display that sort spirit you may have a chance. The only way to know for sure is to give it a go.

[samsungxoxo]

Wow... so not one of you... no one on here thinks that you can rebuild a relationship after cheating?

No, that's not really what we meant. I believe anything (except bringing someone from the dead) can be worked out but this will take hard work, time, energy and effort on your part to the point you'll one day get really tired. Are you sure you'd be willing to go through that? You can always start new and not go through all that ''you cheated on him'' drama.

 

Nobody on here knows a couple that healed and recovered after cheating? What a dismal place it is on loveshack... I mean I know everybody's been hurt... but no one actually still believes that beauty can come from ashes?

Well my paternal grandfather (father's deceased dad) cheated on my paternal grandmother with her best friend and a child was the product of that. End: yes she stayed with him till the end but wasn't in love with him... she just loved him as a brother or friend. No, it wasn't really the same. Then again, that's the same way he felt for her too.

 

Other than that, I know of no successful recovery story with the exception of the well known Hillary taking Clinton back but I doubt she forgave him. She used that opportunity for career advancement purposes. So, no sorry I can't think of any good thing that came out of cheating.

[KatZee]

Thank you for that. This is exactly what you need as a person. YOu need this time to think and grow. You weren't a real person while we were dating... you were a combination of different lies and misconceptions. Take this time to discover your true. And don't do it for me... do it for yourself. I would hate to wake up everyday to put on a mask of something I'm not. Find out what it means to be yourself.

 

 

I think there's value and honesty there... but it also sounds like he's with ya'll and closing the door... closing it gently... but still closing it...

 

I agree. He doesn't sound like he's giving you a second chance, it sound like he's moving on. Basically the entire relationship from his end is a lie, and that's the worst thing because right now you don't have a foundation to build on.

 

I would accept this, stop contacting him and do exactly what he said.

[gracesf]

You know Grace after reading your last post i've got to say i admire your fighting spirit. If you are going to work things out that's just the sort of attitude you are going to need. I hope you do prove us wrong and manage to sort things out. I was personally thinking about it from my own point of view, i know i would probably not be able to forget but then this is about you and your bf and if the two of you display that sort spirit you may have a chance. The only way to know for sure is to give it a go.

 

Do you think he sounds like he's considering giving me a second chance... I'm so anxious and nervous and scared and sad and remorseful... I just wish I could either fast forward or rewind... I don't want to lose him but I'm afraid that's the direction he's leaning... I just don't want to lose him....