Woman Friend Confusion

[Klaatu]

I am really unsure on what is going on with a woman friend and need some opinions. It will help me decide what to do next. Cindy(alias) is single and a long time friend of my wife’s sister. She is about 6 years younger than I, both of us over 50. I am not happily married, feeling very alone and isolated. As a result, I am ripe for an extra-marital or emotional affair.

 

Around June, I initiated a tighter friendship with Cindy. She and I had commonalities in work. She needed a car, something I know a lot about, so spent plenty of time together doing car shopping. We had fun and I was always able to make her laugh. Lots of e-mails and car dealer visits. That ended in August with a car purchase and also a celebratory all-day drive in her car and picnic. I visited her apartment at least twice, the last time to do a repair and do some wine tasting. After our wine tasting at a table, she moved to the couch and curled up in the corner. Feeling like a 12 year in social skill development, I stood for a few seconds, before settling into the couch, on the other end. She says I am very dear to her (e-mail), is apologetic if she thinks she hurt me in any way, closes e-mails with “Hugs”, “Affectionately”, and called me “Sweetie” after the drive. Always eager for a hug, these are common. While at her place this last time, she needed to get something, leaning over me, and asking me to move followed by, “I wouldn’t wantto get fresh with you” or something like that. I wanted to say, “I wouldn’t mind”. She says she looks forward to seeing me. I gave her a B-day present and she was surprised but seemed to like it. She has had boyfriends before, but says she is more selective now. Given my blindness to subtle messages, is there anything going on with her that is beyond just a friendship? Frankly, if there is, I don’t want to send a message of disinterest, even if that is the right thing to do (things are not happy on the home front).

 

Sometimes she doesn't respond to every e-mail I send, once in a while, for as long as a week. Recently, no response to several e-mails, not even a phone text after 6 days. To me, that says I am just not that important. Maybe that is the intent? Her silence is just killing me. I am worried about her well-being and want to call her, but fear that may be taken as being over the top, yet if I do not call, she may interpret that as not caring. She did call me a couple of times out of the blue...I have never done that. Worse, if she does not answer my call, I will likely interpret that as her seeing who it was and deciding not to answer (given no e-mail answers either). I have very few friends, she being the only close one and don’t want to screw it up. I feel this way so much I have a hard time being myself around her, trying too hard to be the perfect friend. I am not sure what to make of her silence or what she is feeling. I’d give anything to be a fly on the wall if she was talking to a friend about me. I just I wish I knew what she was thinking. Ironic our close friendship is not close enough to talk about this.

 

I welcome any input. Thanks.

[pcplod]

She is just a good friend, that is all. And that is the way she wants it to continue but she probably senses something else about you in your recent behaviour, something unspoken. Therefore she is instinctively distancing herself from your projection onto her.

 

Who knows what she really thinks about you but sometimes it simply does not matter. This would be one such situation. I suspect that you know it too.

[2sure]

She is over 40, single, and having a hard time finding a date.

She may be lonely or vulnerable. What do you have to offer her except her growing closer to you and having to hide it when she is with your wife or their friends? Are you divorcing?

Is that really a position you want to put her in?

It doesn't sound like it is a position she wants to be in, although if you push...it may be a possibility.

 

In the end, she will be hurt, your wife will be hurt...I guess you just have decide if youre comfortable with that.

[Klaatu]

First post, and I've hit a raw nerve already. There is a ton of stuff going on with me that ties into all this, and can not spill it all out here given the confines of this forum and its topic. But, will try to speak directly to what you have raised.

 

As impossible as it appears for you to believe, yes, I do care about her wellbeing, and I admit I failed to think how her wellbeing is negatively affected by anything she does with me outside of a being a friend. Right now, we are just friends. I just wish I knew what she was thinking.

 

"What the hell do you have to offer that would make any woman jump at the chance to be with you? You think you have a golden d*ck or something? Yeah, most men mistakenly think that".

 

I have some positive points, but am hardly the arrogant type you paint. If anything, I am too much the other way. My wife knows all about our friendship, my visits to her place, there are no secret e-mail accounts, no sneaking around, lying to family, quick gropes, hurried sex (none at all). I recognize that none of these behaviors is appealing to a woman unless she felt the guy was worth it, despite his skewed moral compass. The woman I am friends with (if I still am) is quite discriminating with relationships and expect she would not tolerate a cheating man.

 

The truth is, if it looked like there was a chance for something between us, I would have to tell the wife. Frankly, I do not think I could carry on an affair for long, if at all. I can't say for sure how I would respond if it came to this, but think if got into this area, I would would either call it off or end the marriage pretty quick. I rather doubt you believe this, but know myself better than anyone.

Edited November 19, 2012 by Klaatu