Healing Process....Emotional Abuse

[cuddlebug20]

Does anyone have any advice on how to start the healing process from emotional abuse....I'm having a really hard time the past few days and I don't know what to do. I feel like my mind is spinning out of control. One minute I'm missing him and wanting him back and the next I'm wanting to forget he even exists. I've tried to find a support group but I've not had any luck yet. I wasn't physically or sexually abused, just mentally. I'm trying to pull through and get on with my life but it's so hard. I'm an emotional wreck, I can't think straight. Any advice would be appreciated!

[disconcertainly]

I know that in your relationship the abuse was not an all the time thing. You miss him b/c you only want to remember the good things.

 

Every time you start feeling low...do something that makes you happy ONLY YOU!! Look in the mirror and remember how pretty you are, and smart!

 

You can always pot here for support!

[Moose]

I think the most important thing for you to remember is that none of what has been programmed into you is true.

 

Was this guy always putting you down and be littling you? We are all the same. We all put one pant leg on at a time. Don't feel guilty or start believing that anything negative about you is true. We all have our faults, this is true, but if this guy really loved you, he wouldn't of abused you.

 

When you're at the bottom of your rope, sometimes you just have to tie a knot and hang on.

 

And most importantly, look at the quote below about one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow.

 

I wish you the best, and I'll keep you in my prayers.

[trouble]

Cuddlebug

Don't minimize your abuse because it wasn't physical or sexual. Emotional or psychological abuse can be just as scarring. You may need to talk to a counselor or a hotline. I would also suggest going to a bookstore and checking out some of the books in the self-help section. Some aren't that great but others are. Relax your feelings are normal. If anything it shows that you are starting to process your experience. Talk to a friend or keep posting. Don't blame yourself but really try to deal with it and recognize signs so you don't end up in the same situation again. Good luck.

[Craig]

If you were in an abusive relationship you may be a dependent and resilient person that seeks validation of her worth externally. Now that you are free of the abuser you may be able to make yourself feel better by focusing on how you can become more of an independent person. Not independent of other people but independent of the desire or need to have external validations of your worth. Your goal is to give yourself value with as little need for external validation as possible.

 

I'm no expert but being in an abusive relationship (and working to change that) myself here are some of the things I am doing to recover.

 

* Start a daily journal and write your thoughts about the relationship. Having a wide range of emotions while writing in or reading your journal is normal.

 

* Slow down, it's okay to take a break from thinking about your ex. Teach your self relaxation. You can find good info at your library, on-line or a bookstore. Something as simple as a CD or cassette tape relaxation program can work wonders for you if you use it a few times per week.

 

* Do something each day that is good for you and uplifting. Simple things are best, for example if you are not physically active take a walk every other day or you could start painting or whatever you know is good for yourself that you haven't done in a while. It's time to get your life back.

 

* Do a google search on emotional or mental abuse and try to learn why you of all people would be in such a relationship. Also, have a look at the domestic violence web sites and look at the different types of abuse. The more you know about abuse the easier it will be in the future to spot an abuser and avoid getting into a relationship with them.

 

* Get a piece of paper and compare your ex to the significant figures in your childhood. You might find that he has a lot of the characteristics of someone that mentally abused you as a child.

 

* Find a support group. If you are having trouble finding one just look for a "domestic violence hotline", give them a call and they should be able to find a group or counselling for you. It should be a lot easier for you to find a support group or counselling than it was for me (a man).

 

Remember, you are not a victim of mental abuse you are a survivor. Best of luck to you.

[cuddlebug20]

I want to thank all of you....your advice is greatly appreciated and it's nice to know that people do care and understand how I feel.

 

 

Never have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you'll be pissin' all over today!!

I love that quote...Thanx. That is something I'm going to start working on.....I live way too much in the past and try to plan the future too much.

 

 

 

"Get a piece of paper and compare your ex to the significant figures in your childhood. You might find that he has a lot of the characteristics of someone that mentally abused you as a child."

 

I did this and to my surprise....it was my father. It seems as if I can never be good enough for him....if I made an A on the report card he'd say well that could be better it could be an A+ your sister made straight A's. Along with many other things....he would leave me sitting to go play with my cousins. It was very shocking at the similiarities that he has with my father.

 

 

I'm doing a little better then I was when I made that post.....I went and saw my therapist Friday and she gave me some medicine for anxiety attacks and it has made a world of difference. I'm trying my best to move on and forget him.

 

 

I didn't mention it in my first post but I have been seeing someone else.....we have been friends for six months now....actually I met him the week after I broke up with my ex bf and we became friends.....only talking about general everyday stuff. Eventually our conversations got more personal and we found that we had a lot in common. We became very close friends.....he has been there for me and supported me through everything. He's deffinately been my shoulder to cry on. I do feel that I am falling in love with him which makes things a little sticky.....I'm afraid to let him know how I feel because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. We're not technically bf/gf just friends. I've wrote him a letter telling him what he means to me and how much I appreciate everything that he has done for me but I'm afraid to give it to him lol.

 

 

Is it a bad idea to have the other guy involved in my life right now? I mean I'm ready to move on and love him but I want to close the door to my past before I jump in and tell him how I feel about him.

 

 

Once again....Thanx for your advice

[ojibwaywmn]

I can understand you wanting to move on and start anew with this person. Is your friend aware of your emotional issues? I feel you are on the right track on wanting to deal with them before getting involved again. It is a good idea to hang on to that letter for the time being.

 

I made the mistake of getting involved with someone right after I broke up with an emotionally and verbally abusive boyfriend. With the new guy, I put all my hopes and dreams on him. He was totally opposite of the ex and the relationship moved quickly. To make a long story short, the new guy turned out to be a commitmentphobe and it devastated me. I gave in too quickly because I wanted to be loved and protected so desperately.

 

If I waited to recover from the abusive ex, then I would have been alot stronger and wiser to recognize the commitmentphobe. And not be so hurt by the experience. Now all I can do is chalk it up to experience and move on. With counselling, I was able to recognize that I picked men who were alot like my father. Now I am working on changing that pattern.

 

So my advice would be to deal with your emotional issues first. Once you are more sure about yourself, then you can share the letter. Good luck and take care.