jordan77 Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 I am desperate for some advice and don't want to go to friends yet. Here's the situation. I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we live together with my son (previous marriage). A few months ago I he left his instant message account on and I saw a his conversation to his ex-girlfriend. It was very graphic describing how they used to have sex together and included phrases like "I still think about us all the time....we never even tried to work things out...." Obviously I confronted him and we even split for a few weeks. When we decided to try and work things out I put spy software on our computer. I know this was wrong, but I don't ever want to be "the last to know". The other day they talked again...the first time in awhile (although they email each other from his office account and who knows what is being said there). He was more conservative this time but still bad-mouthed me to her and said how much he missed her. All of this would not have bothered me so much, but at one point in the conversation he thought he heard me come home and talked about how freaked out he was. She was trying to get him to come and see her and tried to get him to talk about having sex with her. He refrained (barely, and with no mention to his relationship with me), but said he would try to visit. I am not usually the jealous type, but I also believe that this is extremely disrespectful of us. I don't know whether to cut my losses and leave or accept that she lives far away and this is possibly harmless. What does everyone else think?? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 Personally, I think you need to set your boyfriend down and tell him that you know these things. He may get upset that you're spying on him, ( I know I would be ), but that will put an end to the game he's playing with you. He needs to make a choice. Either he commits to you or her. There's no sense in him believing he's gonna get his cake and eat it too. I believe in giving my SO 100% attention. Anything less would be unfair to her. He's occupying his mind with a possibility of getting some on the side. You don't need that in your relationship. Make him make a choice. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 Totally inappropriate and highly disrespectful of you. That's my take on it. When you've made commitments to a spouse/BF/GF, you don't have explicit sexual or emotional conversations with people of the opposite sex (assuming everybody in the scenario is hetero). Period. That goes double for people with whom you have a prior history. That's not to say that you can't be in contact with such people, but only if those boundaries have been and continue to be respected. Your spouse/BF/GF becomes your emotional and sexual confidante (with maybe a sibling, parent, or same-sex friend as an additional emotional support person). Emotional or sexual discussions with a person of the opposite sex constitute betrayal, in my view. To me, he's involved in an emotional affair, and the only thing that may have stopped it from becoming physical was your discovery of it. (The fact that she lives far away is irrelevant.) It would be one thing if he'd simply kept in contact with his ex-GF and everything had been kept platonic and innocent. But there's obviously something deeper there. He must choose: you or her. And if I were you, and if he chooses you, I'd make it a condition that he can't be in contact with her ever again. Non-negotiable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jordan77 Posted August 6, 2004 Author Share Posted August 6, 2004 I am surprised at the quick, yet timely responses. All of this happened yesterday and he went out last night so I have not had to deal w/ it as of yet. However, I am not good at hiding my emotions and he will know something is wrong. Part of me wants to tell him I know what he has been up to, yet I am also debating just walking away with no reason. Afterall, would it make any difference. Maybe he would try to talk me out of it, but hasn't history proven that he is not really respectful of me/our relationship. Even if he stops talking to her it won't change how he feels about us. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 I would at least see what his reaction will be when you tell him you know. Maybe he was playing a game with her....who knows? Find out from him what kind of excuse he comes up with. The bottom line is, you know, he knows, it'll be nothing but head games if you don't confront him about it. This is the quickest way for you to get to the bottom of it and move on. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author jordan77 Posted August 6, 2004 Author Share Posted August 6, 2004 I do see your point, but let me run this by you. Knowing him (and I do very well) he will tell her about it. Four years ago he stopped his casual affair with her to date me exclusively. I'm sure everyone would agree that guys know how guys ...well the same is true for girls. I believe that she is provoking this illicit talk to feel better about herself. Something along the lines of "he may be with her, but he will still betray her for me". I know she doesn't want him back or anything, but I don't want to give her the justification of knowing his relationship with her broke us up. Completely childish and ridiculous, but honestly how I feel and I can't lose anymore self-esteem/respect at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 It is never fun to be the odd girl out as it were. Sometimes I think its easier for a guy to revisit a place in his past where it seems that everything was simple. You mentioned that this affair was a casual one before the two of you got together. It probably represents a time for him when things were easy. The two of you are involved in an exclusive relationship, and you have a child involved. You need to not only think about yourself but the impact that this is having on your son. This is not a time to be selfish and not want "her to win". I would advise you to confront him, let him know what you know. He needs to make a choice. He is going to be upset about the spy-ware. No doubt. What you need to ask yourself is do you want to spend the rest of your relationship wondering. You deserve better. He deserves better. IF the two of you want to try to make a go of this, get some counseling, and remind him that playing games with you, not only affects you, but your son as well. Link to post Share on other sites
winter23 Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 you cant trust him and you have good reasons. talk to him about your concerns....see where it goes. there is a child involved but......that makes it complicated. but if you cant trust him, you have no basis to your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jordan77 Posted August 8, 2004 Author Share Posted August 8, 2004 Thanks for everyone's advice. I sort of chickened out and did not actually confront him. However, I did ask him the other night if he was happy with the relationship. It brought about a range of topics and eventually fell on the last IM I had read from his previous GF. I told him that I did not want him talking to her anymore and asked when they had last spoke. He admitted they had spoke the other day and I asked if any of the conversation revolved around them having sex. He denied it so I said "look, I know girls, and I bet she asked you to come and visit" Again he denied it. Today was my son's B-day and we went to dinner at my parents. He spent almost an hour on the phone with his friends making plans to go out for the night. Normally this would not be a problem, but tomorrow my son leaves for sleep-away camp for the first time and it is our anniversary. Usually when he goes out with his friends he doesn't come home and is way too hung over to do anything the next day. Obviously, I did not want him to go (especially since we were in a heated argument over the ex-GF thing) He stormed out anyway and I said if he left now we were over. I guess this is it. Not sure how I feel. Any ideas???? Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted August 8, 2004 Share Posted August 8, 2004 Do you remember basic parenting? Don't tell your child you are going to do something you aren't going to do. If you offer them consequences for an action that you have no intention of upholding, they lose respect for you. What you did was hard, but you are going to have to stick with it. At least until you see some real change in him. Otherwise, he is going to see you as a flake with no backbone. It already sounds to me as if he has no respect for you, or your wishes. IMHO he would need to pull out all the stops for an awesome anniversary or I wouldn't back down. Again, you have a child involved hun. You have to consider the impact this guy is having on your son, and the example he is setting for him. Link to post Share on other sites
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