doowah Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 I've been in this relationship with a guy who is married and in an open marriage, he believes he's polyamorous. We've talked about his wife, but I never asked to meet her, mainly because I had no reason to doubt him and didn't feel the need to meet her. Last week I asked him why I never met her, as we've been together for quite a while. I can imagine if their relationship is really open, she'd want to know me. To my surprise he told me he wants to keep both worlds separated, not really being able to explain why. He even left the conversation half way because he said needed to go somewhere. Anyway, I trusted him for the time we were together, but there's alarm bells everywhere now. Why does he want to keep both worlds separated? Even if we were just friends? How can I be friends if I don't know his wife? Is this normal in a polyamorous or open relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 It's not open - he's simply cheating and hasn't told his wife. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 He's lying. Polyamorous men want to have multiple women at the same time in the same house. And truly polyamorous couples are blatantly open and for those I have know that work, do so because they are so open about who they are with. I have dated men who tried to get me into their polyamorous lives and it always involved wanting to be introduced to the other woman/women in their lives - to make sure they are all okay with the arrangement. I'll reiterate it: HE IS LYING TO YOU. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 I've been in this relationship with a guy who is married and in an open marriage, he believes he's polyamorous. We've talked about his wife, but I never asked to meet her, mainly because I had no reason to doubt him and didn't feel the need to meet her. Last week I asked him why I never met her, as we've been together for quite a while. I can imagine if their relationship is really open, she'd want to know me. To my surprise he told me he wants to keep both worlds separated, not really being able to explain why. He even left the conversation half way because he said needed to go somewhere. Anyway, I trusted him for the time we were together, but there's alarm bells everywhere now. Why does he want to keep both worlds separated? Even if we were just friends? How can I be friends if I don't know his wife? Is this normal in a polyamorous or open relationship? Listen to your gut. It's screaming and the red flags are there. 1)he's lying to you, lied to you all along and there's no open marriage. You're in an affair with him and she is clueless. 2)He just doesn't want his worlds crashing together and he doesn't want you to meet his wife for his own personal reasons. Which makes more sense to you? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 You've had other threads here - and each poster tells you he's lying - yet you keep your eyes closed. Go meet his wife tomorrow. Ask for her permission and get an honest answer from the woman herself. 100 bucks says she doesn't know he's been having sex with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doowah Posted November 19, 2012 Author Share Posted November 19, 2012 I know 2sunny. I just never doubted him. I broke up with him and he wanted to stay friends. Before, I didn't particularly feel the need to meet his wife, but as friends it's kind of weird not to know your friend's wife at all. Maybe I indeed should contact her in some way to find out what the situation is. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 I know 2sunny. I just never doubted him. I broke up with him and he wanted to stay friends. Before, I didn't particularly feel the need to meet his wife, but as friends it's kind of weird not to know your friend's wife at all. Maybe I indeed should contact her in some way to find out what the situation is. Are you having sex with him again/now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author doowah Posted November 19, 2012 Author Share Posted November 19, 2012 No, I'm not having sex with him again. We broke up a while ago and I'm trying to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 No, I'm not having sex with him again. We broke up a while ago and I'm trying to be friends. Let me see if I've got this right.... you didn't see a need to meet his wife or question his lies while you were ACTUALLY in the sexual relationship... but now that you're just friends and no longer having sex, suddenly alarm bells are ringing? Is it just me, or does that seem completely backwards? Honestly, maybe I have missed something. But why on earth does it even matter now, if you're not sleeping with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 Oh, and let me clarify, you should not be having a "friendship" either with this man who you have had sex with, not if his wife doesn't know. Because that is an emotional affair, not a friendship... which by the way, and along with the past sex, is the reason he isn't inviting you to dinner to meet his wife. (Anyway, why do you want to be friends with a man who lied to you to get in your pants? Yuck...) My point was that it seems very odd that your alarm bells didn't kick in during the sex. I am guessing they did, but you chose to ignore it? The comment about "never having a reason to doubt him" just isn't true. Open marriages are open to the spouse... that's the whole definition of it. You get the spouse's permission and blessing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I know 2sunny. I just never doubted him. I broke up with him and he wanted to stay friends. Before, I didn't particularly feel the need to meet his wife, but as friends it's kind of weird not to know your friend's wife at all. Maybe I indeed should contact her in some way to find out what the situation is. So you didn't ask to meet her when you were involved, now that it's ended and you two are trying to be friends, you want to meet her and he doesn't want you to. What's the end result? What do you expect or hope to happen? What will you ask her? So will you let him know you're going to talk to his wife, or do this behind his back? Just wondering. Also, it's impossible to be friends with someone you just broke up with. Affair, or otherwise. Even more so with affairs, its' so pointless. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I'm sure his wife didn't know it was an open marriage. So why would you intend to waste time being even "friends" with such a lying schmuck? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Sounds as though he's polyamorous and his wife is not... I don't mean to laugh but a lot of times these MM have decided they are now roommates, getting a divorce, are in an open marriage etc. but come to find out, it was a one-sided decision that THEY secretly decided without letting their spouse know. So it ends up being "I'm in an open marriage but...*mumbles under breath* my wife doesn't know". His changing the subject and scurrying off should raise alarm bells. I've never been in a polyamorous setup or an open relationship, but my old roommate lived that lifestyle. All her partners knew about each other. I don't know if they all met up, but certainly, her main partner was privy to all her dealings. It was separate in that they weren't all sleeping together, but it was NOT separate, in that one was a secret life that her main partner knew nothing of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 doowah, I'm in an open M and when you first posted here, I and others with direct experience in open relationships, responded that it did not seem like he was being honest because it wasn't like any open M we had ever seen. Now that you post more, it only reinforces my initial reaction. Sounds more like a typical secret A where he doesn't want you to talk to his W. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doowah Posted December 2, 2012 Author Share Posted December 2, 2012 doowah, I'm in an open M and when you first posted here, I and others with direct experience in open relationships, responded that it did not seem like he was being honest because it wasn't like any open M we had ever seen. Now that you post more, it only reinforces my initial reaction. Sounds more like a typical secret A where he doesn't want you to talk to his W. I think his wife did know about me, but not about the intensity of our contact. I had enough of it. I tried to be understanding, let him figure it all out, but it started to get to me. I told him to stop contacting me for a while unless he was serious. It's been quiet since. It gave me time to think. I think his wife did know about him having affairs with other women, and she had affairs with other men as well. I think he never thought it would be so intense for so long, and that it started interfering his marriage. I think that is the danger of an open marriage. I think a couple of things came together: his wife realised the risk he was taking, he started to get confused, he had lots of things on his mind. Altogether it resulted in him focussing on his home situation and marriage, which, I guess, makes sense. If you're in an open relationship, it's not going to work if there's a risk that you run off with one of your other women/men. We'll see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 I think his wife did know about me, but not about the intensity of our contact. I had enough of it. I tried to be understanding, let him figure it all out, but it started to get to me. I told him to stop contacting me for a while unless he was serious. It's been quiet since. It gave me time to think. I think his wife did know about him having affairs with other women, and she had affairs with other men as well. I think he never thought it would be so intense for so long, and that it started interfering his marriage. I think that is the danger of an open marriage. I think a couple of things came together: his wife realised the risk he was taking, he started to get confused, he had lots of things on his mind. Altogether it resulted in him focussing on his home situation and marriage, which, I guess, makes sense. If you're in an open relationship, it's not going to work if there's a risk that you run off with one of your other women/men. We'll see what happens. I've been in an open M for over 25 years, and in my experience, other partners do not need to "think" this or that about the spouse. We meet each other and believe in honesty and openness, so everyone can make informed choices and not feel used or manipulated by deception. As I said, I've never encountered the type of open M you describe MM having and I would guess that he has been lying. Maybe I am wrong, and neither of us can know for sure without having extensive, frank talks with his wife. You may just have to chalk this up as not knowing whether you were deceived unless you do have a frank talk with the wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Easy solution - call his wife and ask her! Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTKO Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 The answer is very simple. You're posting a question on a forum regarding this matter because your gut instinct tells you that something isn't quite right with his story. Always trust your gut instinct. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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