Must all affairs end badly?

[definitelymaybe]

Hi. I am new to the board and I am in an affair and I want to end it. Here’s my story:

 

1. I met him 15 years ago at a function. I was 16 then. He is 2 years older and from a different school. Had a crush on him since day one but somehow we never dated. I thought he was a player, but now I realized he was just playful / mischievous back then.
   
2. He went and dated one girl after that and they have been together ever since then.
   
3. I met him again 4 years ago. Turned out we are both living and working in the same town. We have been hanging out ever since then, just platonic. ( his wife (gf at that time) was working in a different country )
   
4. She came back. They got married. I became good friends with both of them.
   
5. Then we had sex and everything changes between us.
   
6. It was supposed to be a onetime thing and we agreed that this would not change our friendship. But who am I kidding?
   
7. We tried ending it so many times I lost count. The longest was 3 weeks. The shortest 24 hours.
   
8. End of last year, I dated his best friend. I thought we could finally let it go for both our sakes, he could get on with his marriage and I could be with a man who can truly be with me.
   
9. He got emotional, told me he has fallen in love with me but can’t be with me, bla bla... wanted to stop wedding, end marriage...bla bla. I believed him. ( I know, stupid and delusional ) Truth is, he just didn’t want me to be with anyone else.
   
10. Somehow, I ended my relationship. That was a mess too.
    
11. Affair continued. And it’s Nov 19th today. It’s been 17 months since then. I am so emotionally messed up. I feel used, rejected; I suffered a huge lost in self esteem and pride.
    
12. He told me she is suffering because of our affair. (the selfish part in me would have lashed out “ so, leave her, you are not in love with her, be with me .”) But deep down, I don’t think I would want to be with him anymore after what we have been thru these past few months, how he has broken my hearts over and over again.
    
13. I used to think he and I are meant to be; and our affair is special; But after coming here and reading through everyone’s story, I realized I am no exception. What I did was wrong. It was all stolen time. stolen moments.
    

So how do I end it? I can’t stop being friends, it would be too suspicious, last thing I need now is for anyone to find out. Enough damaged is done; I want to move forward without hate and anger. Is it possible?

Edited November 19, 2012 by definitelymaybe
typo

[Summer Breeze]

I'm so sorry to hear your story DM. I hate to tell you this but I'm a firm believer in not being able to maintain a friendship with someone after being emotionally, and/or physically, involved with them.

 

You--you--you--you (have I stressed that enough?) can't be friends with him. You will suffer and struggle even worse than you are now. You will never have the distance to let go. He will still have a hold on you and no matter how much you want to, you will never find that closure. I know it would look suspicious for you to just disappear from his life but guess what--that's his problem. At this point you need to make the break that ends it best for you. I'm not saying that to be horrible to his W but any concern whether or not she picks up on it is his and in all honesty she deserves to know and I'd bet he wouldn't tell her unless she figures it out and confronts him.

 

You can't be friends with him. This is one of life's situations that's very much like pulling off the bandaid with a quick rip rather peeling it back slowly. He'll urge you to peel it back slowly but for you so he can keep you close and somewhat controlled, you need to rip it off and end it well for you.

[definitelymaybe]

Thank you summer breeze. I understood what you meant, I just never thought that there will be no going back once we crossed the line. I naively believed at that time, that we could really end it and then go back to being friends.

 

BUT the affair got so out of control, emotions run high, he made promises he couldn't deliver and me, I convinced myself that this is what I wanted, time together with him, no matter how little. Perhaps everything has its expiration date, even relationship?

 

I ended it with him so many times, he has now taken my "I cant do this anymore. I am done." as me just being emotional. we haven't spoken today, and I am not going to do the "we should talk and end this" talk anymore. Action speaks louder isn't it? I should just let my action do the talking then, by not talking to him.

[definitelymaybe]

I'm going to agree with Summer, I don't think that you can friends with someone you love. I don't feel you can go back like that. Some people might argue, but it's very rare and if your feelings are engaged like this, I'm not confident.

 

rare but possible? do-able? does it really have to be NC at all? has anyone u know who has been in a affair and manage to stay friends?

[Tenacity]

rare but possible? do-able? does it really have to be NC at all? has anyone u know who has been in a affair and manage to stay friends?

 

I tried it, but it didn't work. The bottom line is that if you want to move on and truly cut emotional ties, you can't be "friends" with someone you have feelings of love for, because you will remain emotionally tethered to that person with any contact, even "friends". That will prevent you from being emotionally available for someone else.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

rare but possible? do-able? does it really have to be NC at all? has anyone u know who has been in a affair and manage to stay friends?

 

Looking at my own situation, I think staying friends with MM (although not possible at all for us since his W knows everything) would be a daily punch in the gut. I could see myself hanging onto every scrap of time or attention he gave me, trying to read into every word he said with hope of it someday being more. Which in turn would never allow me to fully move on.

 

I don't want to live with scraps anymore.

[Pierre]

rare but possible? do-able? does it really have to be NC at all? has anyone u know who has been in a affair and manage to stay friends?

 

Not with an affair partner. Sometimes people that have been married for a long time can be friends after divorce, but at that the relationship has burned itself out.

 

Short lived affair relationships don't burnout like that and you will always want to have sex with him.

[ComingInHot]

You said you became friends w/his Wife too?

How is it you are or could remain friends w/either of them having to look her/them in the eyes engaging in an A? Let alone after.

 

Wouldn't it be painful to maintain the friendship w/him or both of them? That would destroy me seeing them together and pretending all is cool.

[MourningLosses]

My friends wife said that it was "disrespectful" for him to even be in the same room as him. She has him all the time but won't let me have even 5%. He seems to be having to do what she wants because he had ignored me for over a year.

[ComingInHot]

what? I'm confused mourning. Explain a little more. Maybe a typo?

[Mount]

The MM is not an object, obviously he chooses to spend ALL the time with wife.

 

Forget him so that you can move on. Whey every OW all sounds pathetic, you are worth more.

 

My friends wife said that it was "disrespectful" for him to even be in the same room as him. She has him all the time but won't let me have even 5%. He seems to be having to do what she wants because he had ignored me for over a year.

[MissBee]

Hi. I am new to the board and I am in an affair and I want to end it. Here’s my story:

 

1. I met him 15 years ago at a function. I was 16 then. He is 2 years older and from a different school. Had a crush on him since day one but somehow we never dated. I thought he was a player, but now I realized he was just playful / mischievous back then.
   
2. He went and dated one girl after that and they have been together ever since then.
   
3. I met him again 4 years ago. Turned out we are both living and working in the same town. We have been hanging out ever since then, just platonic. ( his wife (gf at that time) was working in a different country )
   
4. She came back. They got married. I became good friends with both of them.
   
5. Then we had sex and everything changes between us.
   
6. It was supposed to be a onetime thing and we agreed that this would not change our friendship. But who am I kidding?
   
7. We tried ending it so many times I lost count. The longest was 3 weeks. The shortest 24 hours.
   
8. End of last year, I dated his best friend. I thought we could finally let it go for both our sakes, he could get on with his marriage and I could be with a man who can truly be with me.
   
9. He got emotional, told me he has fallen in love with me but can’t be with me, bla bla... wanted to stop wedding, end marriage...bla bla. I believed him. ( I know, stupid and delusional ) Truth is, he just didn’t want me to be with anyone else.
   
10. Somehow, I ended my relationship. That was a mess too.
    
11. Affair continued. And it’s Nov 19th today. It’s been 17 months since then. I am so emotionally messed up. I feel used, rejected; I suffered a huge lost in self esteem and pride.
    
12. He told me she is suffering because of our affair. (the selfish part in me would have lashed out “ so, leave her, you are not in love with her, be with me .”) But deep down, I don’t think I would want to be with him anymore after what we have been thru these past few months, how he has broken my hearts over and over again.
    
13. I used to think he and I are meant to be; and our affair is special; But after coming here and reading through everyone’s story, I realized I am no exception. What I did was wrong. It was all stolen time. stolen moments.
    

So how do I end it? I can’t stop being friends, it would be too suspicious, last thing I need now is for anyone to find out. Enough damaged is done; I want to move forward without hate and anger. Is it possible?

 

 

You're between a rock and a hard place and you're going to have to choose.

 

Too often people want some miracle solution where they can still be friends, no one will find out and a bunch of other pretty impossible things.

 

If this is tearing you up emotionally, you need to make a choice for you. I am going to be honest and say I find it very hard to understand how people carry on affairs while they are "friends" with the BS. I have no clue how and I also don't see how it isn't extremely suspicious and how you can "hang out" and it not be obvious that something is going on. I cannot really imagine a friend of mine secretly sleeping with my husband and me not realize their interactions with each other are off...but point is: if no one has caught on, chances are if you start distancing, they also won't notice that much and even if they do, the first thought won't be "She no longer comes around because she was in an affair with Joe!" That's your own guilty conscience assuming that...but if it's not already obvious then distancing won't make it anymore obvious.

 

Just get really busy with work/a hobby/school or whatever it is you do and IF anyone should ask, just casually say, you know work's pretty busy and keep it moving. You don't need to explain anything in depth. They'll eventually get over it and tend to their own lives. Do that and go NC with him completely. That's how you end it.

[Heather1]

I went through the whole "friends" debate @ one time, thinking I could somehow handle it no prob & didn't want him out of my life all the way. Friends means something entirely different to men, & so do A's. we got to be such close friends he told me about a crush on his SIL (w's sister BTW). Fun stuff.

 

Plus, I don't trust myself alone w/ him. If there's ever a time where the thought of him either repulses me or I didn't even notice him walk into a room then I'll be ready.

 

It didn't end badly, I tried to end it twice in person after the SIL comment & that wasn't a good idea. I finally asked him for a few months of NC & by the time he contacted me a few months later I had made my decision. Unfortunately, the walk away is usually left up to the woman, guys will string out a sure thing forever. It's going to have to be up to you to be the strong one in this.

[definitelymaybe]

You said you became friends w/his Wife too?

How is it you are or could remain friends w/either of them having to look her/them in the eyes engaging in an A? Let alone after.

 

Wouldn't it be painful to maintain the friendship w/him or both of them? That would destroy me seeing them together and pretending all is cool.

 

Yes, imagine spending the afternoon with him and then dinner with her after......In the beginning, I could still separate affairs and friendship with her / them. But when things got complicated, I couldn't even go to movies together with both of them without getting all emotional after.

 

So, yes it is painful and it is torturing.

 

But the damage is done, part of me just want to move on like nothing ever happen, and just be friends again.

[definitelymaybe]

You're between a rock and a hard place and you're going to have to choose.

 

Too often people want some miracle solution where they can still be friends, no one will find out and a bunch of other pretty impossible things.

 

If this is tearing you up emotionally, you need to make a choice for you. I am going to be honest and say I find it very hard to understand how people carry on affairs while they are "friends" with the BS. I have no clue how and I also don't see how it isn't extremely suspicious and how you can "hang out" and it not be obvious that something is going on. I cannot really imagine a friend of mine secretly sleeping with my husband and me not realize their interactions with each other are off...but point is: if no one has caught on, chances are if you start distancing, they also won't notice that much and even if they do, the first thought won't be "She no longer comes around because she was in an affair with Joe!" That's your own guilty conscience assuming that...but if it's not already obvious then distancing won't make it anymore obvious.

 

Just get really busy with work/a hobby/school or whatever it is you do and IF anyone should ask, just casually say, you know work's pretty busy and keep it moving. You don't need to explain anything in depth. They'll eventually get over it and tend to their own lives. Do that and go NC with him completely. That's how you end it.

 

I don't understand how she doesn't suspect anything either, miss bee.....Because everyone else kinda see that me and MM have a rather too close friendship. ( My sisters didn't know we are having an affair but they think MM is being too nice to me and they told me to distance myself ) And another time at dinner, a mutual friend actually asked the W what me and MM were chatting about cause she felt like we were flirting and she even commented to the W that she wouldn't allow her husband to have such close friendship with another woman.

 

So i believe that you only believe what you want to believe and i believe the W genuinely believe that me and MM are really just good friends. She even told me about the time she discovered an unknown panty ( it was mine) hidden in his drawer. ( they blamed it on the maid or something ) If it was me, i would have questioned him, but she just let it go. There are just so many red flags in her rs with him that she chooses to ignore. She tells me how they don't have sex, and she cant even remember the last time. She believes that rs is about compromising. and love means being patient, and understanding and etc etc. I know that MM loves her, how could you not love someone you have been with since you were 17?

 

I am really tired of all these, I am not looking for miracles. Maybe hope? I feel different this time ( as opposed to the many other times I ended it with him ), I love him, I always will I guess. but I don't want him anymore, not as a husband, not as a boyfriend.

[ComingInHot]

Definitely;

And if the roles were reversed?

[definitelymaybe]

Definitely;

And if the roles were reversed?

 

if i am the W, you mean?

[ComingInHot]

yes. Or if anyone who claimed to be your friend betrayed you in Any way...

[definitelymaybe]

yes. Or if anyone who claimed to be your friend betrayed you in Any way...

 

If I am the W, and I found out that my H is having an affair with our friend, I would be devastated by it.

 

Are you trying to see if I have any conscience ? You want to understand how I could betray my friend and sleep with her H, how I could do all that and still remain as her friend? I don't know either. Sometimes I scare myself with thoughts of her finding out and killing herself from the betrayal. Those are the thoughts that makes me stick to NC.

 

I made the decision to get involved with him because I believe if I didn't, I would regret it for the rest of my life, he is the one i have always wanted to be with and when things got intense, i realized i didn't want it to end. But I did end it and start a new rs. But he didn't want to let me go. He said he would end it with her but he didn't. I stayed in my new rs for a month but I couldn't cope being with him and the bf (now exbf). Kinda makes me think how he could cope with being with me and his W...

Cominginhot, the W doesn't know. she thinks he has been distant because of work stress. They can work it out, they are newly married, they will have kids and grow old together. But me, i will always have to live with the guilt, I will always feel hurt when i see them together. you can say i deserve it for what i did. and i believe i deserve it too, i made that choice and now i have to live with the consequences.

[definitelymaybe]

yes. Or if anyone who claimed to be your friend betrayed you in Any way...

 

If I am the W, and I found out that my H is having an affair with our friend, I would be devastated by it.

 

Are you trying to see if I have any conscience ? You want to understand how I could betray my friend and sleep with her H, how I could do all that and still remain as her friend? I don't know either. Sometimes I scare myself with thoughts of her finding out and killing herself from the betrayal. Those are the thoughts that makes me stick to NC.

 

I made the decision to get involved with him because I believe if I didn't, I would regret it for the rest of my life, he is the one i have always wanted to be with and when things got intense, i realized i didn't want it to end. But I did end it and start a new rs. But he didn't want to let me go. He said he would end it with her but he didn't. I stayed in my new rs for a month but I couldn't cope being with him and the bf (now exbf). Kinda makes me think how he could cope with being with me and his W...

Cominginhot, the W doesn't know. she thinks he has been distant because of work stress. They can work it out, they are newly married, they will have kids and grow old together. But me, i will always have to live with the guilt, I will always feel hurt when i see them together. you can say i deserve it for what i did. and i believe i deserve it too, i made that choice and now i have to live with the consequences.

[ComingInHot]

Def;

I gotta say you have really blown me away w/your response AND IN A GOOD WAY.

I think it is really important to your own healing to be asked the hard questions and then to read and re-read your own responses to them. It gives great insight as to the person you really are regardless of poor decisions & behavior.

So, w/that said, my heart goes out to you as you struggle to regain yourself and your priorities. I can't imagine the heartbreak that you have acknowledged you have in your betrayal of your friend & their marriage.

This may be one of those situations that you CAN'T make right, BUT you CAN learn from this event.

Learn to forgive yourself

Learn to foresee how your choices will impact others

Choose to behave in a way that builds yourself and others up.

Your post says a lot about how big your heart is! No one can take that away from you*

[RickFox]

Interesting, I see a parallel.

 

My xmw and I were besties, we hung out with her H and my W all the time and we had a building R right under their noses only my wife saw it while her H did not. All the times he came home and I was there with her, all the times I went out with her and left him at home, the lunches.... and he never suspected anything....called us 'snark buddies.'

 

You know what she did? She just turned her back on me. She ended it. Now Im sure she told him some type of lie to minimize it, something to the effect that I hit on her or something like that but my point is, you can do the same thing....end it, you owe noone an explanation, it would fall back on him, not you.

 

All you have to do is decide to move on and do so.

[definitelymaybe]

Interesting, I see a parallel.

 

My xmw and I were besties, we hung out with her H and my W all the time and we had a building R right under their noses only my wife saw it while her H did not. All the times he came home and I was there with her, all the times I went out with her and left him at home, the lunches.... and he never suspected anything....called us 'snark buddies.'

 

You know what she did? She just turned her back on me. She ended it. Now Im sure she told him some type of lie to minimize it, something to the effect that I hit on her or something like that but my point is, you can do the same thing....end it, you owe noone an explanation, it would fall back on him, not you.

 

All you have to do is decide to move on and do so.

 

Rickfox, i have decided to move on, hence i started this thread wanting to know if anyone who's been in an affair manage to stay friends with their APs. But looking at all the responses and going through older threads, I realized it's really not possible to go back to being best friends again. Once that line is crossed, there is no going back. I think I can remain "friendly", I wont pretend he doesn't exist if i see him at the gym; but that will be it.

 

I don't want to move on hating him or resenting him. Everyone suffered, me, mm, his w. Rick, I don't think your xmw just woke up one day and decided to turn her back on you. If you and her has been besties before the affair ended, then I believe there is a part of her who wants you to be happy too. Perhaps it is easier to just end it without having to go on lengthy talks about why we have to end it ....

[RickFox]

Rickfox, i have decided to move on, hence i started this thread wanting to know if anyone who's been in an affair manage to stay friends with their APs. But looking at all the responses and going through older threads, I realized it's really not possible to go back to being best friends again. Once that line is crossed, there is no going back. I think I can remain "friendly", I wont pretend he doesn't exist if i see him at the gym; but that will be it.

 

I don't want to move on hating him or resenting him. Everyone suffered, me, mm, his w. Rick, I don't think your xmw just woke up one day and decided to turn her back on you. If you and her has been besties before the affair ended, then I believe there is a part of her who wants you to be happy too. Perhaps it is easier to just end it without having to go on lengthy talks about why we have to end it ....

 

 

We'll differ on our opinions there, but when she said on we will still see each other, to suddenly cutting off communications, to ripping into me for no reason, to calling me stalker and so on and telling me I thought I was making it easier on you, no, no, I think a conversation explaining that now that the fun had been discovered it was no longer fun was in order. I feel an explanation of all the i love yous meaning nothing was warranted...not a sharp slap in the face and a get lost forever comment..... It's "easier" for who?

 

can you stay friends, no, but can some respect be left between the two and one not look at the other with hate in their eyes, yeah, Im a believer in that. Depends on how it's handled. And kudos to you for not pretending he doesn't exist if you see him, as I no longer exist to my xap and finally, finally that is just fine by me. Threadjack over. Good luck on whatever path you choose.