Weird relationship - I need help

[Rachel]

Why is my partner of four years still regularly masturbating while looking at semi-dressed/naked women on the computer web?

 

He has been doing this for a long time, but he continues to do it despite the distress it gives me.

 

Since I found out about the pornography I have struggled to like and stay with him; I find him less attractive and my libido has reduced significantly. Lately I've pretended to enjoy sex and have an orgasm just to get him off, but sometimes I do like it. I have been taking a tranquilizer pill to be able to do it for a long time now. I take a tranquilliser just in case now, every day. Once he had sex with me while I was asleep (I woke but pretended to be asleep). What do you think about this? The internet pictures sicken me, I quite often can't get it out of my mind and sometimes I feel afraid.

 

I read these pictures etc have been altered by airbrushing and other tricks that are used to show the woman in a flattering light. He seems to think this is how women should look as he is critical of others appearance. He used to dislike his ex-partners wearing anything too sexy as he said it might attract sick or weird men or similar words, I can't remember exactly. He is only very-very average looking. How can I, as a normal nice looking woman (but size 14) compete with his delusion?

 

How would men feel if their female partner did this to them? Maybe I should try masturbating to images of men. HONESTLY, how would a man TRULY feel?

 

What exactly is voyeurism? Is it a peeping Tom? This is where he looks most times. Would he peep at me then? How does it compare with the other abnormal ones? I read it was a sickness in the mind called schizoid or schizophrenia. Do I need to be concerned and if it is a sickness in the mind then what can I do? How do I know he isn't peeping at me or monitoring me? I feel scared and upset. Please help.

[Tony T]

Why is my partner of four years still regularly masturbating while looking at semi-dressed/naked women on the computer web?

Most likely, he is addicted to sex or masturbation. When

 

you are finished reading my post, go back to the LoveShack

 

homepage, go to the top and click "links", then click

 

on "addiction and recovery", then click "sexual

 

addictions." You get a great deal of helpful information

 

there. It is possible he is not addicted but sick in

 

other ways. He may be bored. He may have been hypnotized

 

to do this. There are just so many possiblities.

 

Once he had sex with me while

I was asleep (I woke but pretended to be asleep). What do you think about this?

If you were asleep, totally inanimate, and he actually

 

thought you were asleep, I personally think that's VERY

 

SICK!!! It's almost akin to necrophilia, which is the

 

patholigical desire to have sex with dead bodies...as in

 

a funeral home. Yes, it does happen. If he's got that,

 

run for the hills. Of course, having sex with a body on

 

a computer screen is pretty repulsive as well but even

 

young boys pull out their dirty magazines in the bedroom

 

or bathroom when parents aren't around. It sort of a

 

growing up thing. Yeah, maybe your guy just hasn't or

 

can't grow up.

I read these pictures etc have been altered by airbrushing and other tricks that are used to show the woman in a flattering light.

I know some women who really do need to be airbrushed.

 

How can I, as a normal

nice looking woman (but size 14) compete with his delusion?

You can't and you aren't. No matter what you looked it is

 

highly likely he would still do his Internet thing because

 

of his illness. You are just fine.

How would men feel if their female partner did this to them? Maybe I should try masturbating to images of men. HONESTLY, how would a man TRULY feel?

It's pretty sickening. If the women would get herself

 

help instantly, I might wait and support her through

 

recovery. If she would not seek counselling, treatment or

 

a recovery program, it is likely I would leave her...very

 

quickly.

What exactly is voyeurism?

Voyerurism is the preoccupation for and pleasure seeking

 

of watching others, unobserved, in the act of undressing,

 

in the state of undress, having sex, or basically doing

 

anything sexual. An example would be peaking into a

 

person's window to watch these things...or you could

 

probably stretch it to include looking at pictures taken

 

by cameras peaking at this sort of thing. Voyeurdorm.com

 

is an extremely popular website, often featured in news-

 

paper and television news stories, where cameras are

 

mounted all over a dormitory and subscribers get to

 

observe everything in every room 24/7. Of course, the

 

ladies, in this case, are aware they are being watched and

 

are well paid. Victims of true voyeurs are usually never

 

aware.

Is it a peeping Tom?

It could be. A peeping Tom usually is happy just looking

 

at whatever he's lucky enough to see. The normal goings

 

on are just fine to a peeping Tom. A voyeur, on the other

 

hand, is seeking sexual gratification by observation.

 

This is where he looks most times. Would

he peep at me then?

Sorry, you really didn't say where he looks most times. I

 

am assuming you mean the computer screen. I wouldn't put

 

him in the category of a peeping Tom but that's really

 

an insignificant point here. He has a terrible problem,

 

whatever you want to call it.

 

How does it compare with the other abnormal ones?

 

Abnormal what's. If you mean, psychological pathology,

 

you really can't compare them. They are all serious

 

pathological problems. A cold is much worse than an

 

appendicitis attack. So if you're asking if his problem

 

is worse than schizophrenia, my opinion is no. If you are

 

asking if it is worse than a phobia of spides, I would

 

say HELL YES!!!

 

I read it was a sickness in the mind called schizoid or schizophrenia.

 

It meaning what? If you are talking about sexual

 

addiction, any author who would call that schizoid might

 

be somewhat in the ballbark, because it is somewhat of

 

a split from reality...but it is in no way related to

 

schizophrenia. A schizoid personality and schizophrenia

 

are not really related unless one has the other.

Do I need to be concerned and if it is a sickness in the mind then what can I do?

The only thing you can do is move out if you are very

 

bothered. He has to realize he is very sick and in need

 

of help. You might call one of the organizations in the

 

links I gave you and ask them what they recommend you do

 

to get him to realize he is one screwed up dude. If he is

 

doing this in front of you with your full knowledge while

 

you are in the room and you are staying with him, you may

 

need some help as well.

 

How do I know

he isn't peeping at me or monitoring me?

Unless you catch him, you don't. You could place surveillance cameras in your place. If you are developing paranoia regarding this, you need to pack your things right now and get away

I feel scared and upset. Please help.

I hope what I have written helps you a little. However, I

 

think that any self respecting woman would not tolerate

 

this and would leave immediately.

 

I hope some ladies will comment on your plight and tell you what they would do. For me, this is pretty sick and your boyfriend needs help very bad. If he agrees to getting

 

help, then you have to make the decision as to whether or not you want to hang around during that process.

 

If he won't get help, LEAVE. THIS WON'T GET BETTER. Frankly, I think it's pretty insulting to you, whether he's sick or not. He shows ZERO respect for your and your feelings. His ONLY excuse is mental illness...if he is so diagnosed.

 

 

[Hillary]

Rachel,

 

My advice would be to leave as soon as possible. This guy has a sick problem - and it does not sound like you are committed to him at ALL! If you have to take a tranquilizer for 'sex' (I put that in quotations... because it sounds like you do nothing - and he takes over - even while you sleep).

 

My dear Rachel, you deserve better then this! Please get out of there - and tell him to get professional help if he wants you back (that is, if you ever want to go back to him). Have respect for yourself and get away from him.

 

Please!

Why is my partner of four years still regularly masturbating while looking at semi-dressed/naked women on the computer web? He has been doing this for a long time, but he continues to do it despite the distress it gives me. Since I found out about the pornography I have struggled to like and stay with him; I find him less attractive and my libido has reduced significantly. Lately I've pretended to enjoy sex and have an orgasm just to get him off, but sometimes I do like it. I have been taking a tranquilizer pill to be able to do it for a long time now. I take a tranquilliser just in case now, every day. Once he had sex with me while I was asleep (I woke but pretended to be asleep). What do you think about this? The internet pictures sicken me, I quite often can't get it out of my mind and sometimes I feel afraid. I read these pictures etc have been altered by airbrushing and other tricks that are used to show the woman in a flattering light. He seems to think this is how women should look as he is critical of others appearance. He used to dislike his ex-partners wearing anything too sexy as he said it might attract sick or weird men or similar words, I can't remember exactly. He is only very-very average looking. How can I, as a normal nice looking woman (but size 14) compete with his delusion? How would men feel if their female partner did this to them? Maybe I should try masturbating to images of men. HONESTLY, how would a man TRULY feel? What exactly is voyeurism? Is it a peeping Tom? This is where he looks most times. Would he peep at me then? How does it compare with the other abnormal ones? I read it was a sickness in the mind called schizoid or schizophrenia. Do I need to be concerned and if it is a sickness in the mind then what can I do? How do I know he isn't peeping at me or monitoring me? I feel scared and upset. Please help.

[Deejette]

This guy sounds horrible and I wouldn't put up with his crap for even a minute. That is not loving behavior. If you have to keep comparing yourself with internet "hoes" and drug yourself to endure sex with him, it is not a good thing. You need to love yourself better than that.

 

I consider his behavior to be like cheating. He should be giving his attention to you, not some electronic image of some babe.

Rachel, My advice would be to leave as soon as possible. This guy has a sick problem - and it does not sound like you are committed to him at ALL! If you have to take a tranquilizer for 'sex' (I put that in quotations... because it sounds like you do nothing - and he takes over - even while you sleep). My dear Rachel, you deserve better then this! Please get out of there - and tell him to get professional help if he wants you back (that is, if you ever want to go back to him). Have respect for yourself and get away from him. Please!

[Taressa]

Rachel,

 

I'm not so sure it's a question of sex anymore, perhaps it is now a matter of respect.

 

Let me switch to talking of things I do know... Boundaries. You're sacrificing yourself and your peace of mind by allowing him to use you. Set a boundary for him during a peaceful conversation. Tell him how his actions make you feel and tell him what you are willing to do to keep him from hurting this way again... sexual abstinence, emotional distance, whatever you choose that seems appropriate.

 

And Rachel, when he crosses that boundary, stick to your decision and let HIM suffer the consequences. His response will show you the value he places on you. Your strength in this may help him find the strength to overcome his weakness. At the very least, it will protect your values and peace of mind (and get you off the tranquilizers).

 

Don't let him pull you with him into this scummy scene.

[Rina]

Why is my partner of four years still regularly masturbating while looking at semi-dressed/naked women on the computer web?

I'm sorry to tell you this Rachel, but I don't see

 

anything very wrong with a man looking at pornographic

 

pictures on the internet or on a movie. Men have

 

fantasies like this, and some of them need the extra

 

stimulation. It is better to masturbate looking at

 

pictures than to engage in illicit sex, wouldn't you

 

say so? My husband has quite a large collection of erotic

 

magazines and a couple of porno films that we sometimes

 

watch together. I like looking at erotic pictures of naked

 

men on the internet just as much as my husband likes

 

looking at naked women. The fact that we both do this

 

openly and this sometimes enhances our own sex life, I

 

think it is very healthy, in moderation, of course.

What do you think about this?

 

When I first discovered that my husband had a stack of

 

Hustler magazines several years ago when I was really

 

young and inexperienced I did feel hurt and threatend,

 

but as I blossomed and became less sexually inhibited I

 

developed the same curiosty as him. In fact, now I am the

 

one who likes looking at naked material more than him.

 

How can I, as a normal nice looking woman (but size 14) compete with his delusion?

 

You are not competing with anyone. It is just a harmless

 

fantasy. Nothing more.

How would men feel if their female partner did this to them?

 

Every man is different. It would really depend on what

 

type of values and views of morality he had. To tell you

 

the truth, I think that some men would secretly be turned

 

on if their female partener did this.

 

Maybe I should try masturbating

to images of men. HONESTLY, how would a man TRULY feel?

 

Again, one cannot make generalizations here. It would

 

TRULY depend on the personality of the man. Once my

 

husband caught me masturbating while viewing some naked

 

magazines. We just laughed about it, nothing more.

What exactly is voyeurism? Is it a peeping Tom?

 

I think voyeurism is when a person tresspasses into

 

another person's private world by watching them secretly.

 

Sometimes amature erotic photographers are voyeurs because

 

its the only way they can get a good look at naked women,

 

and usually they are too shy and sometimes homely in real

 

life to have a normal relationship with a woman. I can

 

say this, having been a model for a short time. Of course

 

there are less obvious forms of voyeurism which are

 

probably more dangerous than just the obvious peeping Tom

 

example. A Peeping Tom is usually a harmless, shy person

 

with little or no self-esteem who exhibits immature

 

voyeuristic behaviour.

 

This is where he looks most times. Would

he peep at me then?

 

I don't know what you mean here.

 

How does it compare with the

other abnormal ones? I read it was a sickness in the mind called schizoid or schizophrenia.

 

I don't know anything about schizoid.

 

How do I know he isn't peeping at me or monitoring me?

 

I couldn't answer that. The most serious concern I have

 

with your post is the fact that you have to take a

 

tranquillizer for sex, and that he had sex with you while

 

he thought you were asleep. To me, this is a whole

 

seperate issue than looking at naked women on the internet

 

and maturbating. I guess the voyeurism aspect adds to the

 

problem. I would suggest trying to seek the help of a

 

counsellor.

[Rina]

Why is my partner of four years still regularly masturbating while looking at semi-dressed/naked women on the computer web? He has been doing this for a long time, but he continues to do it despite the distress it gives me. Since I found out about the pornography I have struggled to like and stay with him; I find him less attractive and my libido has reduced significantly. Lately I've pretended to enjoy sex and have an orgasm just to get him off, but sometimes I do like it. I have been taking a tranquilizer pill to be able to do it for a long time now. I take a tranquilliser just in case now, every day. Once he had sex with me while I was asleep (I woke but pretended to be asleep). What do you think about this? The internet pictures sicken me, I quite often can't get it out of my mind and sometimes I feel afraid. I read these pictures etc have been altered by airbrushing and other tricks that are used to show the woman in a flattering light. He seems to think this is how women should look as he is critical of others appearance. He used to dislike his ex-partners wearing anything too sexy as he said it might attract sick or weird men or similar words, I can't remember exactly. He is only very-very average looking. How can I, as a normal nice looking woman (but size 14) compete with his delusion? How would men feel if their female partner did this to them? Maybe I should try masturbating to images of men. HONESTLY, how would a man TRULY feel? What exactly is voyeurism? Is it a peeping Tom? This is where he looks most times. Would he peep at me then? How does it compare with the other abnormal ones? I read it was a sickness in the mind called schizoid or schizophrenia. Do I need to be concerned and if it is a sickness in the mind then what can I do? How do I know he isn't peeping at me or monitoring me? I feel scared and upset. Please help.

[confused too]

My boyfriend does look at pictures on the internet and it does make me feel threatned by it. How did you come over it? How to discuss with him? He does not want to share with me, he says it's is business.

[Rina]

My boyfriend does look at pictures on the internet and it does make me feel threatned by it. How did you come over it?

 

What do you mean? I think that the more upset you act,

 

the more he will do this in secret, whereas if you just

 

act as if it doesn't matter he won't have the need to

 

hide it so much.

 

How to discuss with

him?

 

If you take the approach of accusing him of something

 

wrong you won't get anywhere, and he will become more

 

closed. If you approach him in a gentle, teasing sort of

 

manner he might open up to you. You see, if you want to

 

communicate with him about this openly you'll have to

 

do something even more shocking that will arouse his

 

attention and curiosity. For example, what if you were to

 

buy a soft porno film for the two of you to watch together

 

and share your erotic fantasies? Or you can surprize him

 

by dressing up even more daring than the pictures he

 

looks and and come onto him at a time when he is doing

 

something serious, such as counting the bills. The key is

 

to try to be more creative than him and arouse his

 

imagination and curiosity.

[allison]

You said he had sex with you while you were asleep. That is called rape! He clearly has no respect for you.

 

[Terry]

Rachael- If your husband is looking at porn, then he does not love and repect you. Staying with him will only do more damage to your self-esteem.

 

I disagree with those who suggest that you join him in his activity. A loving sexual relationship should come from the way you feel about each other, not from porno that stimulates a desire for someone else.