Can cheating be worked out if caught in the act?

[TruffulaTrees]

It's not about me but my older sister who got caught in the act. To my surprise, her bf didn't hurt the other dude but just yelled some words, cried in front of her and walked away.

 

This happened about 4 months ago and from what I've heard, he's considering working it out but needs help how recover from what he saw that day. What really makes it worst is the OM (other man) was really a friend of his, not best friend but still and they were both drunk. Please don't label my sister. She isn't a bad person but she just made a terrible choice.

 

BTW this is the first time she has ever cheated on a man. Currently both of them are talking (well he reopened communication with her last month and he does still loves her, wants to take her back but also wants to get rid of that image that day... he needs help how to recover) and yes she stopped all contact with his friend. She's trying to work this out. Any suggestion on how to help her out?

 

Honestly, I think this is easier to work out when this happens to a woman than a man. Generally for us, knowing that a man still loves the other woman is worst than the actual act but for men it's the other way around.

Edited November 19, 2012 by TruffulaTrees

[mammasita]

I don’t know if that’s even remotely possible.......I couldn’t ever forget an image like that and I’m sure it’s 100x harder for a man to remove an image like that from his memory.

 

That's pretty much the ultimate betrayal and IMO is unforgivable.

[TruffulaTrees]

I don’t know if that’s even remotely possible.......I couldn’t ever forget an image like that and I’m sure it’s 100x harder for a man to remove an image like that from his memory.

That's true. I don't think I would be able to work that out if that happened to me. I can't imagine what the guy must be going through now.

 

That's pretty much the ultimate betrayal and IMO is unforgivable.

But will IC (individual counseling) help out in this case. That's all I can think about for her.

 

Needless to say I feel sad for the guy. He still has her on his facebook and hasn't really told anyone about it.

[drifter777]

People say anything is possible but the chance of him getting this image out of his mind is zero. If he is considering trying to reconcile it is simply his insecurity and fear of being alone that is driving him. He doesn't have the strength or self-esteem necessary to walk away from your sister so she needs to do it for him. She needs to understand that he may pretend to accept her shameless betrayal now, but he will hate her forever and will walk away someday. There's no reason to continue to hurt him and going no-contact with him is the kindest thing she could possibly do for him.

[road]

I would always advise a young guy that had her GF cheat to be thankful he is young, no kids, separate finances, not married, easy to make a clean break and he should.

 

I have seen too many BH come back to say their WW is having an affair again. Just like she did when we were dating before we were married.

 

Your sister needs IC to learn about boundaries and how to have healthy relationships.

 

Her BF needs IC as well to see the real reason he won't dump your sister. There can be good reasons to recover with your sis. I'm afraid her BF may want to go back with her for the wrong reasons.

[TruffulaTrees]

He doesn't have the strength or self-esteem necessary to walk away from your sister so she needs to do it for him.

Well he did initially broke it off that day and didn't wanted to hear anything she had to say but resumed contact with her last month (I guess it's good that he's giving her a chance to explain).

 

My sister shared with me this recent message he send out:

 

xxxxxx,

It's another struggling day for me at my workplace and home. While this is between us and no one knows what you've put me through, some have already commented on my sudden mood changes and lost of appetite. You do realize if my mother ever found out about this she would hate you and I don't want that happening. She is already suspecting and even questioned me about it. I had to make up that we took a break for the meantime. I know, I know, I'm still protecting you even after what you did. It's because I love you still. I don't want them to hate you. I can forgive well I have else I would have unfriended you on my facebook and rip our pictures. I haven't and won't. The hardest part for me is trying not to think about my vision of you and him going all the way. It keeps on repeating. Why did you chose him? Why you let him get between us? I'm I not the love of your life as you would say I was? Why do you this to me? I've been drunk many times but never cheated on you. I can give you another chance but you have to help me get over what I saw and show me I'm the one and only.

 

I'm already tired. Gonna hit the sack now. Meet me tomorrow by the campus. Bye

 

She needs to understand that he may pretend to accept her shameless betrayal now, but he will hate her forever and will walk away someday. There's no reason to continue to hurt him and going no-contact with him is the kindest thing she could possibly do for him.

I agree (if only more people thought this way it would be better) but it's whatever they decide. Edited November 20, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed name

[TruffulaTrees]

This is what my sister is going to send out in response:

 

xxxxxx I'm so sorry for my actions, I'm sorry for hurting you so badly, I never meant to and would never do anything like that again. I know being drunk was not an excuse. If I could go back in time I would have never allowed your friend to make a move on me. This is something I have to live with and knowing I'm the cause of your hurt. I promise I'll be the best gf ever. I'll make you happy again. I'm sooooo sorry.

[Chi townD]

The hard facts? Stats show that most relationships that one or the other actually catches their SO in THE ACT of cheating rarely work out for the long run. That image is burned into his mind and will never go away.

 

Personally, I think the guy has very low self esteem and one day, he's going to gain some back. When that happens, the games over.

[GorillaTheater]

If I could go back in time I would have never allowed your friend to make a move on me.

 

Even if I was inclined to somehow try to reconcile, that statement would make me change my mind and move on.

 

Talk about blameshifting. It wasn't her fault for saying "yes", it was this other guy's fault for asking. I'd be done with them both. Permanently.

[road]

Even if I was inclined to somehow try to reconcile, that statement would make me change my mind and move on.

 

Talk about blameshifting. It wasn't her fault for saying "yes", it was this other guy's fault for asking. I'd be done with them both. Permanently.

 

 

I don't see her statement matching your implication.

[drifter777]

This is what my sister is going to send out in response:

 

xxxxxx I'm so sorry for my actions, I'm sorry for hurting you so badly, I never meant to and would never do anything like that again. I know being drunk was not an excuse. If I could go back in time I would have never allowed your friend to make a move on me. This is something I have to live with and knowing I'm the cause of your hurt. I promise I'll be the best gf ever. I'll make you happy again. I'm sooooo sorry.

 

Did she send it? Reading this makes me sad. This poor guy is desperate to hear the words she is saying, and she is lying. She did it because it was exciting, fun, and it felt good. She's cheated before and she'll cheat again. Confront her on this really hard and she just might admit it to you. She'll swear she is a changed woman now, but you will know better.

 

 

Let's be real here. Trying to reconcile after cheating is something only married couples with children should attempt. The whole process is painful and simply not worth it for a couple without kids. Reconciliation should not even be an option if they aren't married.

 

Ask your sister to please break it off with the poor guy. The longer he keeps hanging on the more pain he endures. She needs to do the right thing and let him move on.

[TruffulaTrees]

Personally, I think the guy has very low self esteem and one day, he's going to gain some back. When that happens, the games over.

Or can it be that he's a good guy afterall?

 

Ironically, this is a guy who has an Bachelor's degree in business administration. Usually the higher your level of education is, the less likely you´ll put up with it.

[TruffulaTrees]

Did she send it? Reading this makes me sad. This poor guy is desperate to hear the words she is saying, and she is lying. She did it because it was exciting, fun, and it felt good. She's cheated before and she'll cheat again. Confront her on this really hard and she just might admit it to you. She'll swear she is a changed woman now, but you will know better.

Yes, she send it. As horrible as it was what she did, I do believe she is deeply remorseful about it. When it happened that day, she came crying to me about how she lost him for good and how it was the biggest mistake in her life. I do know that during that short NC time, when he iniatially refused to speak to her.. she wasn't dating any guy and stopped going to parties completely. I think she is honest and really feels terrible.

 

Ask your sister to please break it off with the poor guy. The longer he keeps hanging on the more pain he endures. She needs to do the right thing and let him move on.

True but somehow they want to try to work it out. They left a couple hours ago.

[Chi townD]

Or can it be that he's a good guy afterall?

 

Ironically, this is a guy who has an Bachelor's degree in business administration. Usually the higher your level of education is, the less likely you´ll put up with it.

 

When my girlfriend cheated on me, I didn't have a college degree and I ended it. Now, I have a PhD and I still would have kicked her to the curb. So, I don't think that a persons educational status has anything to do with it. People have what they consider there "deal breakers". Cheating on me was mine. And I'm not a nice guy. I'm a SUPER nice guy!!!

[TruffulaTrees]

When my girlfriend cheated on me, I didn't have a college degree and I ended it. Now, I have a PhD and I still would have kicked her to the curb. So, I don't think that a persons educational status has anything to do with it. People have what they consider there "deal breakers". Cheating on me was mine. And I'm not a nice guy. I'm a SUPER nice guy!!!

Glad to hear you didn't look back.

 

Update: Seems like the guy really wants her. Yesterday they hang out for hours and by the time he returned her home it was around 11 PM. Today she's at his place.

 

I hope that if he does takes her back, she keeps her promise and doesn't do it again (afterall, she's been beating herself over this so much and how much she wishes to get second chance to the point it was annoying seeing her cry every day).

[drifter777]

Glad to hear you didn't look back.

 

Update: Seems like the guy really wants her. Yesterday they hang out for hours and by the time he returned her home it was around 11 PM. Today she's at his place.

 

I hope that if he does takes her back, she keeps her promise and doesn't do it again (afterall, she's been beating herself over this so much and how much she wishes to get second chance to the point it was annoying seeing her cry every day).

 

It will never last so it's not worth commenting on.

[Onionator]

Sorry no. As a guy just THINKING about the way it would look when my ex cheated on me was enough to disgust and repulse me. I tried to just get over it and forget it but it was physically impossible. Honestly best case scenerio he tries to get over it for a month, it doesn't work and it'll end

[seibert253]

If the BS is M'd, and there are kids in the mix, then there is some incentive to attempt R. But, if there are no kids, or the two are not M'd, end it and move on. I'll give two examples why:

1. Had a bud who found out his fiance' was fooling around about 3 weeks before his wedding. She seemed remorseful, promised it would never happen again, blah, blah, blah. Against everyone's advise, he M'd her. She ended up having at least two A's, and recently found out he is not the father of his 2nd child. He's finally D'ing her because she left him for her latest OM. He'll be paying out ass in alimoney and CS.

 

2. I had a GF, who cheated with another dude. No sex, but they kissed and fooled around. She was "sorry I got hurt", but was never for what she did. I was young, stupid, and had zero self esteem, so I took her back. We got engaged, then I went in the Army. While I was away, she was fooling around again. This time I ended it for good. Shortly after I ended it, she ended up pregnant.Qw

 

For all those who are betrayed, if you not tied together by M or kids, hit the road and don't look back.

[pbjbear]

Interesting. When a woman posts this same exact topic and someone smart says a woman staying with a man like this must have low self esteem...everyone attacks that person and says "she doesnt! she doesnt wasnt want to throw it all away! you can get over it and he will be better!"

 

Hate double standards. One of my biggest pet peeves.

Edited November 28, 2012 by pbjbear

[TruffulaTrees]

Interesting. When a woman posts this same exact topic and someone smart says a woman staying with a man like this must have low self esteem...everyone attacks that person and says "she doesnt! she doesnt wasnt want to throw it all away! you can get over it and he will be better!"

 

Hate double standards. One of my biggest pet peeves.

I hate that. I think we have that double standard because you know what they say about cheating men ''It's ok, all men are pigs'' while if a woman does it, then it's shocking because society expects us to be the right compass and mature faster. Thus, they find it more excusable for men to cheat than women.

[TruffulaTrees]

It will never last so it's not worth commenting on.

Well they're still going to counseling sessions. Last thing I heard, they got back and she's still very remorseful over it.

 

IMO I think she's really trying.