She left... life only makes sense in hindsight

[bvelvet]

My wife of 10 years (13 years together) just moved out yesterday. This is the culmination of a very tough 18 months. I feel like I need to start at the beginning to explain my view of how we ended up where we are today...

 

I lived in Europe for 5 years from age 23-28. I met my wife there when I was 26. She was much younger... 18. I fell in love with her immediately and her with I. She was (and still is) one of the most special human beings one could ever meet. She has an angelic quality... she finds joy in the little things most of us miss. She is also very beautiful. The age gap was large and I was uncomfortable with it but where we lived it was not out of the ordinary and I just decided to enjoy it.

 

The hardest part (in retrospect) for her and for me was that I was the first person she ever slept with. I think I fell in to a trap of trying to "teach" her how sex should be. I didn't mean to ever do any damage but as a horny 26 year old I think I put a lot of pressure (without knowing it) on her. The end result was that she decided sex "wasn't everything". She loved me and was ok with sex with me but never loved it.

 

After 3 years together we moved to the US and got married. This is where our age gap/life experience really began to be felt. I felt an incredible responsibility for her and her happiness and she looked at the world through my eyes and my opinions. I don't mean to diminish our love but to point out it was different than what 2 mature people from the same background would share.

 

We moved to the West Coast together and began our adventure in the US. Although I didn't know it at the time I think resentment built up in me during these following years. I felt myself wanting to change her and I resented that our sex wasn’t great and In stopped “trying” to be an attentive lover and ultimately stopped initiating sex most of the time. I also think I projected my insecurities with myself on to her. For the most part she didn’t let me know the things that were bothering her in our relationship and in truth as she explained later she didn’t even acknowledge them to herself. Then the affair happened…

 

She was attending Berkeley and she met someone she felt an instant attraction to. He made her feel beautiful and the sex was natural for her. He was her peer and classmate, etc. I didn’t know any of this until years later but I will get to that…

 

We moved to the East Coast and although he wanted her to leave me she didn’t.

At first I think our move rekindled our enthusiasm for being together but we slipped back in to old patterns (not seeing each other much), neither of us paying attention to each others needs, etc. She still loved me but though often of her affair.

 

Before I tell what happened next I want to say that although I think in many ways I was not good enough to her over those years I never stopped loving her and from the outside I was a wonderful husband. I supported her financially, in figuring out what she wanted to do with her life, school, etc. I THOUGHT I was a great husband.

 

About 18 months ago I received a text message from her. I don’t remember what was going on at the time but it said: “sorry I have been acting this way. I love you but don’t think I am in love with you anymore.” I physically and emotionally died. I spent the next few months with her trying to understand… being angry…. being sad… and I learned the first piece of what I told you: that I hadn’t been there for her and without understanding it had not made her feel good about herself. She felt like she didn’t know who she was and that she knew the world through my eyes. I got us a counselor (who was terrible) and we worked for a few months but ultimately she left to live with a friend.

 

I was devastated and so was she but probably for different reasons. I missed her like crazy and began a process of trying to be a better man. I started losing weight (I am now back to college weight). I read marriage books. I learned to cook. I vowed to change our dynamic of me being the sole decision maker in the family. I think she was just miserable period but only partially due to missing me. She sais she cried every day. I made it clear how much I loved her and wanted her back and we started seeing each other. She said these were the times she was happiest then but maybe it was because of the comfort of our apartment. I’ll never know.

 

Right before she was set to move back in I found out about the affair from 3 years earlier and it killed me. It delayed her moving back by about a month as I had to reconcile with it. When we did get back together I promised I wouldn’t hold it over her head but let her know I was going to be sensitive in a way I had never been before and she needed to recognize that. I wanted to feel like she regretted it. She told me she did but the truth is she doesn’t. It helped give her a voice to speak to me 18 months ago. It took until almost today for me to truly forgive it and in fact be happy about it for her because I wasn’t there for her. I wish she could have spoken to me about her feelings then but she couldn’t.

 

We had a really good past year. My changes were real and true and she recognized all of them. I wasn’t perfect but I did more than I think most men would do after truly looking at myself. We were “happy” but for her something was missing now. She didn’t feel passionate about me. She loved me deeply but she was only in this 75%. She was trying and I was doing. For whatever reason I fell back in love with her this year… a switch went off in my head and I looked at her and treated her the way I should always have.

 

Recently we went and hiked the Inca trail. This was always her dream vacation and culminated the change in our relationship. She planned the whole thing for us and I (who had fallen in to the trap of lazy beach vacations) kicked the **** out of the trail. We came home and felt really good.

 

A few weeks later there was a night where she texted at 12:30 that she was leaving the bar and heading home. She didn’t communicate again and came how at 4:30. At 5:30 while she was sleeping I saw a text message on her phone that said: “Great meeting you tonight. Sleep well.” From a guy. I confronted her the next morning about it and she apologized about giving her number to a guy and explained it was a friend of x’s girlfriend. This is where things started going downhill again.

 

I let her know how important communication when she goes out was for me. We both go out a lot but I always wait up for her (can’t help it) and it’s hard not knowing. She said she understood but there were a few more weekends where things didn’t click. She seemed to be drinking more than normal and I asked her if she was unhappy.

 

One night before a play in an agitated state I listed the things I really needed from her. The last one was “make me feel loved”. I asked her if she was in-love with me. She paused. I freaked after the pain I went through a year ago and that was the first time separation was brought up (by me). I didn’t want it but couldn’t bear the thought of her questioning us again after everything we had been through.

 

The last few weeks have been very emotional (on my part especially). I talked and talked and tried to understand. She shut down. We talked about separating but all I really wanted to hear was I am happy with you let’s keep getting better. Just as I realized everything needed to calm down or a decision was going to be made in bad moment, she let me know she was moving out.

 

Over the next few days she told me that she was missing passion, that she wanted to not have any regret about being with me forever, that she thought she need to know what it was like to be alone. Sometimes these thoughts came across in a way that made me feel like she thought we were over for good… sometimes as if she wanted this so she could miss me and give me everything. She also let me know that she can’t get the bad times out of her head. It’s like she opened a floodgate 18 months ago and doesn’t understand why the way I am now is not the way I was then.

 

After me talking her to death through all of this she finally left yesterday but before she did I found out the last bit of information I needed to know. That night that she had stayed out late and the text message came she had kissed that guy… and they had exchanged text messages since.

 

I am where you would expect. I haven’t been eating or sleeping for weeks. I blame myself for everything and wish I could go back in time to be better to her earlier.

 

Now what? Everyone (friends and family) have urged me to stop thinking that there is a future for us. Some say you don’t have to close any doors but focus on yourself and move on. Statistically they are more than right and deep down I feel that my wife will be happier starting fresh. I love her more than anything in the world and dream of time travelling back to do things differently. I hope that some lever switches in her head that makes her want to try with 100% conviction but I can’t see that happening without her going out and being with other men.

 

I’m not going to contact her… I’m going to try and take one day at a time. But truly guys, she is one wonderful woman who loved me for a very long time and I can’t fathom the thought of never feeling that from her again.

[KatZee]

I think the issue will always come down to there being a lack of attraction and passion for you on her end.

 

I know you're beating yourself up about being "better for her" but when it comes to that spark, that attraction, the pull, the sexual desire for someone else... it's either there, or it's not. And it seems as if it wasn't ever there between you two (from her end).

 

Some may say sex isn't important in a relationship but it most certainly is. She wasn't feeling it with you, and went out and had an affair.

 

I think the mistake she made was going back to you for a second round. It would have been easier for you if she just stayed away, because she went and cheated again.

 

She may love you as a brother figure, a great friend, but that thing she needs to feel for you to make you a life long partner, a lover... it's not there. It sucks, and it hurts but there's really no use looking for a third chance with this girl. She'll continue to be unsatisfied with you and you'll continue being hurt by her and whatever emotional or physical affair she decides to have next.

 

You both deserve to find someone who is compatible with you on all levels.

[bvelvet]

Katzee,

 

I get it... but I am of the opinion that most of that was due to her being a virgin and the "damage" I did around that. She always wanted to touch me to hold my hand and to kiss but I killed the sex. The only reason I feel this way is because I lost my attraction to her but found it again this year in a whole new way... out of love. I stopped thinking about myself and what I wanted and started thinking how the other person wanted to be loved. I think this is where real intimacy lies. Passion always dies.

[GuyInLimbo]

Katzee,

 

I get it... but I am of the opinion that most of that was due to her being a virgin and the "damage" I did around that. She always wanted to touch me to hold my hand and to kiss but I killed the sex. The only reason I feel this way is because I lost my attraction to her but found it again this year in a whole new way... out of love. I stopped thinking about myself and what I wanted and started thinking how the other person wanted to be loved. I think this is where real intimacy lies. Passion always dies.

 

You're over-analyzing it. Yes, first loves almost always have huge impact s on women, especially. But, bro, she was YOUNG when you met her. I'm in my early 40's and girls like that are babies to me.

 

STOP BLAMING YOURSELF for these things. Right now. Just stop. You're beating yourself up over something that isn't there. People change tremendously from 18 to 30 or so. And, as someone else said, that chemistry either is there or it isn't. You can't force it. You can't create it. You can feed it if it's there, but that's it.

 

I don't think passion dies if the relationship is "right" and healthy. At least that's my theory. I have yet to really experience that.

 

You'll get over this. You need to man up and accept that your wife has matured and changed. Sadly, it didn't work out in your favor. But you will find someone much better for you if you pick yourself up and look towards the next relationship and take what's happened in the past as lessons learned.

[KatZee]

I get it... but I am of the opinion that most of that was due to her being a virgin and the "damage" I did around that.

 

What damage? She doesn't have any issues having sex with other people. She's not damaged. She's just not attracted to you.

 

Passion always dies.

 

You're clearly doing it wrong. Passion can last a lifetime between people. Butterflies eventually die. Passion? Absolutely NOT.

 

And yes, she changed. She was a kid when you met her. I am not the person I was when I was 19, or even 25. The twenties are monumental for growing, evolving, changing, and becoming who you're going to be as an adult.

 

To think that the relationship you had with her at 18 was going to last a lifetime... eh.

Edited November 19, 2012 by KatZee

[2.50 a gallon]

Thirty years ago I was in your shoes. She was beautiful, kind, so loving, all mine, then she started listening to her co-workers, we broke up, I walked away, thinking that I would never have the recipe again.

 

WRONG!

 

It didn't happen right away, but I have found someone even more special, even more loving, and even more beautiful.

 

I am now retired, and my lady is a couple of years from turning 60, but even though she is a grandmother to a teenager, she still has an hour glass figure. Eye Candy

 

Last year I found a photo of my Ex on the web, thank god I don't have to kiss that good morning.

 

Rule of thumb, cheaters cheat down, and though it doesn't happen right away, those who have been cheated on usually find a replacement that moves them up a grade or two

 

Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me

[bvelvet]

Katzee,

 

I get what your saying but please understand. I don't want a relationship with who she was at 18. I want it with who she is now. This last year was us working on all the dynamics that needed to change to have a good relationship with who we are as people now... she likes the new me and I like the new her.

 

but yes... the sex did not get that much better (better but not by enough). my question and hers was, is that due to her anger at me from before and her "what-if" mindset having been together for so long. If it is then then maybe time apart could help.

 

As you say, maybe there is no way for us to have the kind of sex we both need. I just hold out hope. the non-physical love is there and I found her sexually attractive again this year.

 

I appreciate the tough love guys (I hope its love). I know I deserve the whole package in a relationship. We both just wanted that whole package to be with each other and its not.

 

My hope was that if we stripped away the baggage from the past that somehow we could get there.

[KatZee]

I get that you want who she is now, but SHE doesn't want who YOU are now... in order for a relationship to work, both sides need to want it, and I'm confused why you're still pining for this woman when she from essentially DAY 1 was not satisfied with you.

 

She was unhappy enough to go and have an affair.

 

You went back again, I get that, you wanted to try again, and she did it AGAIN. Her unhappiness with you is being shouted by her actions loud and clear.

 

To go back a third time... you're really just asking to be hurt again. But honestly, I don't think you'll get that third time because she's moved on. She isn't going to be with you again. She realized after the second time, you know what, he's not what I'm looking for. There's really no point to go through this for a third time, it's (to be blunt and honest) a complete waste of time. Nothing has changed.

 

Love isn't enough in a relationship. There are so many other things that need to be in place. You guys are NOT compatible even though you love her. This would never work out in the long run.

 

Time to take her off the pedestal and start living your life and looking toward the future.

[bvelvet]

Katzee,

 

I'm liking you right now. All fair... oversimplified (13 years together is not a short amount of time or a couple soundbites) but fair. I have been beating myself about what I could have done differently and not paying attention to what I want out of a partner.

 

Either way... I have done all I could and more in the last 18 months and I am proud of myself for giving it a shot. I have 0 control about whether she decides she wants to give it another shot or not and I would need to think deeply about whether I would anyway. I need to get on with my life.

[KatZee]

Either way... I have done all I could and more in the last 18 months and I am proud of myself for giving it a shot. I have 0 control about whether she decides she wants to give it another shot or not and I would need to think deeply about whether I would anyway. I need to get on with my life.

 

This.

 

You know that you've given it your best shot, you should have no regrets. That's all that matters here. You can't say you could have or would have or should have. You did.

[bvelvet]

Just feel like talking more...

 

Why is it so hard to look objectively at the future... at the possibility of a better life right now? I live in NYC surrounded by beautiful and talented women. I am good looking, smart, fun, have a ****load of friends, etc. I have lived all over the world and country. I am not broke and can do what I want professionally as I've proven to myself over the years.

 

My friends (and to an extent my family) are tired of my wife. Everyone knows she is sweet and kind and has a special energy but they find her uninspired, emotionally immature and all around not a good person to make me the best that I can be.

 

Maybe I am so attached to the idea of marriage for life?

 

Even now I am thinking about what she is feeling. I know she is an emotional mess right now but really how does that have anything to do with me? She made her choice to move out and I can't worry about what she will feel or not feel next. If she wanted something else (another man, space, etc.) I have to realize that doesn't mean something BAD about me. I fixed everything I knew how to fix in the last 18 months (and I was a good guy even before that). She kept saying recently how she wasn't good enough for me... that this was her problem. Without assigning blame I have to come to the conclusion that she is at least half right because it is not my problem. I have faced the things I could have done better. These past 18 months I hired a life coach to work on myself (among other things). She didn't do anything to help herself grow. She has never been an agent of change in her life... that's been my job to do for her. I have always loved giving to her but that is a ****ed up thing to miss.

 

She gave in the little ways (in the home, etc.) but rarely surprised me with grandiose gestures or out-of-the box ideas. She was a passenger on my journey.

 

Why the **** do I love her so much?

[bvelvet]

bring it guys! I can't focus at work right now.

[aMguilts]

bring it guys! I can't focus at work right now.

 

Hello bvelvet.

 

No, you can`t focus on work right now because you are too busy replying on here!

There`s a saying ` Give 100% of your attention to whatever or whoever you are with, 100% of the time.`

 

She`s a train wreck waiting to happen. You said yourself she`s unstable?

Even your familly can see whats going to happen, but at least they are not getting involved. which by the way is a good thing.( believe me, when `familly` get involved, for all their `best` intentions, they make it twice as worse! )

 

From what you replied so far, you KNOW deep down what you got to do.

 

Now get back to work!!

 

Blessings

aM

[riverratt]

Kat has been on target in my book. I don't think age itself is a factor. Age difference doesn't mean it cant work. I have seen larger gaps then yours.

 

Let her go and move if that is what she wants. You are beating yourself up. You can do the same. You may decide to stay single the rest of your life and that is okay too. I am there myself. I can't hurt anybody nor can I get hurt by staying out of a relationship. It is all good to me. There are options and you will find the one that best suits you.

[bvelvet]

It's what I'm going to do. But I still wonder if when I do move on she will want to come back. I reiterate again that when she left she was clear she did not want this to end forever... she was hoping to miss me and to get over the bad memories she has of me not being there for her. I can't imagine what it would be like to be with her if I hadn't experienced so many relationships beforehand.

She was miserable last time we were apart. I guess the better question is would I want her back then. Either way I have to start imagining life without us together. This is all very fresh so I hope I can come here and express everything as I feel it.

 

Off to meet a friend for a drink.

[riverratt]

Enjoy your drink and don't worry about her..Yeah, I know you still care and don't want her hit by a bus but worry about you more..

[aMguilts]

It's what I'm going to do. But I still wonder if when I do move on she will want to come back. I reiterate again that when she left she was clear she did not want this to end forever... she was hoping to miss me and to get over the bad memories she has of me not being there for her. I can't imagine what it would be like to be with her if I hadn't experienced so many relationships beforehand.

She was miserable last time we were apart. I guess the better question is would I want her back then. Either way I have to start imagining life without us together. This is all very fresh so I hope I can come here and express everything as I feel it.

 

Off to meet a friend for a drink.

 

Hey bvelvet

 

When? If? why?.

Then is now.

Tomorrow is todays yesterday.

 

Enjoy your drink,. Sincerely( unlike the last poster, bit too much acid thrown in)

 

bvelvet, i was near you i`d come and join you:)

 

Have fun, forget what`s going on for a few hours

aM

[aMguilts]

Enjoy your drink and don't worry about her..Yeah, I know you still care and don't want her hit by a bus but worry about you more..

 

 

hi riverratt.

 

So he`s not allowed to go and have fun, is that what you implied?

In bold... yeah i agree totally:D

 

aM

[aMguilts]

 

To think that the relationship you had with her at 18 was going to last a lifetime... eh.

 

Hello Katzee,

 

I bet on their wedding day, as they were looking into each others eyes, and exchanging rings, both of them thought, yeah, this won`t last forever??

 

To answer your question for him ( and because i can`t BELIEVE anyone would be so arrogant)

 

YES he did. ( well i reckon he did anyway, i don`t know him from adam)

Can`t be that many people that enter into marriage thinking ` this isn`t going to last a lifetime`

can there?

 

aM

[bvelvet]

Hello Katzee,

 

I bet on their wedding day, as they were looking into each others eyes, and exchanging rings, both of them thought, yeah, this won`t last forever??

 

To answer your question for him ( and because i can`t BELIEVE anyone would be so arrogant)

 

YES he did. ( well i reckon he did anyway, i don`t know him from adam)

Can`t be that many people that enter into marriage thinking ` this isn`t going to last a lifetime`

can there?

 

aM

 

I did. I really did and did until quite recently. My older brother (50) married a girl he met on the first day of college (she only has been with him) and they have had a wonderful marriage. I never thought we would be apart. This is a new reality and someday I hope to look back and be happy about this new reality but I don't now.

[aMguilts]

I did. I really did and did until quite recently. My older brother (50) married a girl he met on the first day of college (she only has been with him) and they have had a wonderful marriage. I never thought we would be apart. This is a new reality and someday I hope to look back and be happy about this new reality but I don't now.

 

fai r enough.

so what you gonna do???

 

 

aM

[bvelvet]

fai r enough.

so what you gonna do???

 

 

aM

 

Feel whatever I feel... Grief, anger, whatever.

 

Try and change my thought process:

 

Now = I have invested more love, time and energy in my marriage than anything else in my life so nothing else matters

 

In the future = everything is perfect the way it is... Because it is the way it is.

[bvelvet]

Couldn't enjoy drinking with my friends tonight... such a sad sack.

[aMguilts]

Couldn't enjoy drinking with my friends tonight... such a sad sack.

 

hey bvelvet

 

No your not a sad sack. Stop putting yourself down.!

 

Your rock bottom now and it`s totally understandable. only one way to go when you feel like that. upwards and onwards.

Think about what you need to do to start this process.

Sitting there and wallowing in self pity will get you nowhere thou..

 

Get up, get on with your life.

 

Hugs

aM

[ilou]

When doing NC and improving and living your life, never think of the "what if's". Otherwise, your just going through the motions. Emotionally you'll be going through another rollercoaster.