My first love left me suddenly for someone else. Grass is Greener?

[Javabear]

I met my first true love on the second day of my freshman year of college. I wasn't looking for anyone at the time, but he was goofy and spontaneous and an incredible musician and I fell hard and fast. We started dating two months later. I was his first girlfriend and while I had dated a few guys during high school, he was my first serious relationship. As our relationship grew we became inseparable. We met each other's families, went on trips together and spent almost all of our free time in each other's company. He reminded me what it was like to be wild and carefree while I kept him grounded in reality. We balanced each other perfectly.

 

Everything was perfect for three years. We had our troubles, just like any couple, but we always managed to work them out together. We talked constantly about getting married someday. I know as girls we tend to push men towards commitment, but he seemed just as into the idea as I was and he would often have me quiz him on the type of engagement ring I would like. We had planned to move to Chicago together after graduation for something completely different and start our lives over in a new city with new opportunities. I will admit, our relationship got pretty serious pretty quick, but he never gave me any indication that he was uncomfortable with our plans so naturally I assumed that we were on the same page.

 

About two months ago, though, everything changed. I had gone away for the weekend with my dad and when I came back he showed up at my apartment in the middle of the night saying that he had something to tell me. I thought someone had died or was seriously ill, but what he had to say was worse.

He liked someone else. She was a girl he had met only a week before when R.A. training started (he's been an R.A. on campus for the last three years). At first he told me that he liked her but he didn't want to because he loved me. He asked me to give him some space and some time to sort things out. I kept asking if he wanted to break up with me and he insisted that he didn't want to. After going back and forth for nearly four hours, we decided to come back to it in a few days once we'd both calmed down.

 

We met up again three days later. During those three days I had tried to come up with every conceivable way I could to save our relationship. We didn't have to move after graduation, we could take a step back and start slower, I wouldn't demand as much of his time... I would have done anything and everything to make it work, but he wasn't willing to fight for me. A week later, we broke up. I was the one who finally had to end it, he was sobbing in my arms and kept saying that he loved me and he knew he needed me he just didn't know how to want me. The fact of the matter was that he liked another girl and that was that.

 

A week later, my mom came to visit me to console me in my state of utter despair and she told me that my father had been cheating on her for the last year and they were going to get divorced. I was crushed beyond belief. I hadn't talked to my ex (we'll call him G) in a week and I wanted desperately to tell him the news. He was close with my parents and I was desperate for someone to comfort me. I ended up telling him a few days later. He was supportive but he knew he couldn't be there for me in the way I wanted him to be.

 

I started seeing a therapist to work through my problems while at the same time I kept trying to find a way to re-establish my relationship with G. He and I talked once every week or so about our relationship and what had happened. But he was cold and standoffish. I hardly recognized him anymore; he was not longer the sweet, gentle guy I knew. He started saying things like I took too much of his time away from his music and he knew that he couldn't support me on a musician's salary so he gave up his dreams for me and now he wanted those dreams back. And he still liked this other girl.

 

Finally, about a month after the initial breakup, he told me that he was no longer in love with me. He admitted that he had moved on (began dating this other girl) and it was easier for him than it was for me because he was not as invested in our relationship as I was.

 

I was completely and utterly crushed. I had given him everything I had and more. I bent over backwards to make him happy (he's diabetic and has a gluten allergy and I made sure to always look out for him). I did anything and everything I could to show him unconditional love and support. We made promises to each other which I intended to keep and suddenly he had broken them all. It took him less than a month to denounce his love for me and start taking the new girl on dates.

 

It now feels as though our three year relationship meant nothing to him. I don't think he ever truly appreciated the extent to which I went to love him. I don't think he ever fully understood how special our relationship was because he had never had another girlfriend before. I loved him with all my heart and soul but now I feel defeated and replaced. My best wasn't good enough, my love wasn't strong enough and he found someone else and moved on so quickly.

 

So now I'm stuck in a place where I know I deserve to be with someone who truly appreciates me and I know I need to forget about G and move on with my life, but I just can't honestly believe this has happened and there is a big part of me that wants to believe in a few months he'll realize what a huge mistake he has made. I have spoken with his closest friends and they all agree that he is being extremely selfish and is making the biggest mistake of his life.

 

Part of me believes that this was bound to happen sooner or later. Having never dated anyone else, of course he would become curious as the time to fully commit became imminent. I told him that I wanted him to experience being with other people so he realized how great our relationship was. How can you be completely sure about someone if you've never been with anyone else?

 

I'm just afraid that maybe he thinks life really IS better without me.

 

Is this type of behavior normal for guys who have never been in a relationship before? I think a lot of his doubts in our relationship stem from his fear of the future and growing up. I've been reading a lot about the "Grass is Greener Syndrome" and while I am a bit skeptical about it, the parameters of this breakup do seem to coincide with the symptoms.

 

I guess all I'm hoping to find by posting about this here is whether or not any of you who have been through something like this see any potential for his return. I am in the process of moving on and I know that I have my whole life ahead of me to fall in love again, but I believe wholeheartedly that this relationship was something very special and I'm not ready to give up on it entirely.

[SoulSearcher22]

I dont really have any advice for you and for that i am sorry. But reading things like this make me sick to my stomach because my ex basically did the same thing. If i had a gf like how you describe yourself, reciprocation would be so easy.

 

Hopefully he realizes what he had before its too late.

[itsmyfault]

I had Grass is Greener.

 

Trust me on this, DO NOT CONTACT HIM. let him go through this. I know it hurts, but really he had no way of stopping it. I too had an amazing GF

 

NO contact achieves two things.

 

1. If he doesnt come back, the chances are if you maintain no contact with him, you WILL move on.

 

2. It might make him come back quicker, the more you desperately try to contact him the more he knows you are still under the thumb..

 

It isnt going to be easy, But its the best way.

[I'm nuts]

I can't really help you, but I can tell you a few things.

 

People will always like someone else, it is human nature and if someone ever thinks their partner doesn't like someone else they are deluded, this is more so in the case of men, us men will always find others we are attracted to.

 

3 years of being together never ever ever gets forgotten.

 

 

I don't know what a freshman year is, but he sounds young, let him grow up and realize what he has lost, it takes time with us guys for things to sink in, when someone is good to someone it never ever goes unforgotten, let him be for the time being, us guys met other girls and get bored of them until we mature a bit more and wake up to reality.

[th90]

I totally feel you *hugs*

[jamielee]

I met my first true love on the second day of my freshman year of college. I wasn't looking for anyone at the time, but he was goofy and spontaneous and an incredible musician and I fell hard and fast. We started dating two months later. I was his first girlfriend and while I had dated a few guys during high school, he was my first serious relationship. As our relationship grew we became inseparable. We met each other's families, went on trips together and spent almost all of our free time in each other's company. He reminded me what it was like to be wild and carefree while I kept him grounded in reality. We balanced each other perfectly.

 

Everything was perfect for three years. We had our troubles, just like any couple, but we always managed to work them out together. We talked constantly about getting married someday. I know as girls we tend to push men towards commitment, but he seemed just as into the idea as I was and he would often have me quiz him on the type of engagement ring I would like. We had planned to move to Chicago together after graduation for something completely different and start our lives over in a new city with new opportunities. I will admit, our relationship got pretty serious pretty quick, but he never gave me any indication that he was uncomfortable with our plans so naturally I assumed that we were on the same page.

 

About two months ago, though, everything changed. I had gone away for the weekend with my dad and when I came back he showed up at my apartment in the middle of the night saying that he had something to tell me. I thought someone had died or was seriously ill, but what he had to say was worse.

He liked someone else. She was a girl he had met only a week before when R.A. training started (he's been an R.A. on campus for the last three years). At first he told me that he liked her but he didn't want to because he loved me. He asked me to give him some space and some time to sort things out. I kept asking if he wanted to break up with me and he insisted that he didn't want to. After going back and forth for nearly four hours, we decided to come back to it in a few days once we'd both calmed down.

 

We met up again three days later. During those three days I had tried to come up with every conceivable way I could to save our relationship. We didn't have to move after graduation, we could take a step back and start slower, I wouldn't demand as much of his time... I would have done anything and everything to make it work, but he wasn't willing to fight for me. A week later, we broke up. I was the one who finally had to end it, he was sobbing in my arms and kept saying that he loved me and he knew he needed me he just didn't know how to want me. The fact of the matter was that he liked another girl and that was that.

 

A week later, my mom came to visit me to console me in my state of utter despair and she told me that my father had been cheating on her for the last year and they were going to get divorced. I was crushed beyond belief. I hadn't talked to my ex (we'll call him G) in a week and I wanted desperately to tell him the news. He was close with my parents and I was desperate for someone to comfort me. I ended up telling him a few days later. He was supportive but he knew he couldn't be there for me in the way I wanted him to be.

 

I started seeing a therapist to work through my problems while at the same time I kept trying to find a way to re-establish my relationship with G. He and I talked once every week or so about our relationship and what had happened. But he was cold and standoffish. I hardly recognized him anymore; he was not longer the sweet, gentle guy I knew. He started saying things like I took too much of his time away from his music and he knew that he couldn't support me on a musician's salary so he gave up his dreams for me and now he wanted those dreams back. And he still liked this other girl.

 

Finally, about a month after the initial breakup, he told me that he was no longer in love with me. He admitted that he had moved on (began dating this other girl) and it was easier for him than it was for me because he was not as invested in our relationship as I was.

 

I was completely and utterly crushed. I had given him everything I had and more. I bent over backwards to make him happy (he's diabetic and has a gluten allergy and I made sure to always look out for him). I did anything and everything I could to show him unconditional love and support. We made promises to each other which I intended to keep and suddenly he had broken them all. It took him less than a month to denounce his love for me and start taking the new girl on dates.

 

It now feels as though our three year relationship meant nothing to him. I don't think he ever truly appreciated the extent to which I went to love him. I don't think he ever fully understood how special our relationship was because he had never had another girlfriend before. I loved him with all my heart and soul but now I feel defeated and replaced. My best wasn't good enough, my love wasn't strong enough and he found someone else and moved on so quickly.

 

So now I'm stuck in a place where I know I deserve to be with someone who truly appreciates me and I know I need to forget about G and move on with my life, but I just can't honestly believe this has happened and there is a big part of me that wants to believe in a few months he'll realize what a huge mistake he has made. I have spoken with his closest friends and they all agree that he is being extremely selfish and is making the biggest mistake of his life.

 

Part of me believes that this was bound to happen sooner or later. Having never dated anyone else, of course he would become curious as the time to fully commit became imminent. I told him that I wanted him to experience being with other people so he realized how great our relationship was. How can you be completely sure about someone if you've never been with anyone else?

 

I'm just afraid that maybe he thinks life really IS better without me.

 

Is this type of behavior normal for guys who have never been in a relationship before? I think a lot of his doubts in our relationship stem from his fear of the future and growing up. I've been reading a lot about the "Grass is Greener Syndrome" and while I am a bit skeptical about it, the parameters of this breakup do seem to coincide with the symptoms.

 

I guess all I'm hoping to find by posting about this here is whether or not any of you who have been through something like this see any potential for his return. I am in the process of moving on and I know that I have my whole life ahead of me to fall in love again, but I believe wholeheartedly that this relationship was something very special and I'm not ready to give up on it entirely.

 

i understand how you feel cause my ex boyfriend also did that to me..the last days we were fighting he was trying to look for an excse to get out of the relationship looking for my mistakes and at the end he left me telling me he could not do this anymore cause i dong give him peace in his life and that he wants to be happy and could not take the fighting anymore and just two days later found out that he has been seeing some one else i tried to confront him then i ended up being humilated by him..he was my frist love been with him for 6years and we have an adorable son we had plans of how we gona raise our son ansd so many things and all that is gonne now his there living his life with his new girlfriend and and here trying to let go and raising my son on my own..

[Javabear]

It's been over two months now since we broke up, and I have improved a little bit in my mindset. I haven't talked to him in 4 weeks and I have not had the urge to check his Facebook or anything.

 

But here's the problem... I miss him. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. I thought the whole no contact thing would help me realize that someone who could just throw away 3 years like he did is not worth my time. But he and I belong together. I know EVERYONE says things like that when they're hurt, and perhaps I am just being emotional and naive... but this feeling is so strong it can't be ignored. What if I can't love anyone else as much as I loved him?

 

Why doesn't he understand how rare it is to find someone who loves you unconditionally? Why can't he see that what he had was extremely special? How can someone be so blind? It's so frustrating. I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he gets it. That love was real. It was comfortable and easy and that's how it's supposed to be. It was messy sometimes and it wasn't always fun, but it was everlasting.

 

I know there's nothing I can do. I'm not going to contact him, I'm done trying... I just wish there was some way to make him realize that the longer he's gone the more I'm slipping away.

[dyzfunctioned]

It's been over two months now since we broke up, and I have improved a little bit in my mindset. I haven't talked to him in 4 weeks and I have not had the urge to check his Facebook or anything.

 

But here's the problem... I miss him. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. I thought the whole no contact thing would help me realize that someone who could just throw away 3 years like he did is not worth my time. But he and I belong together. I know EVERYONE says things like that when they're hurt, and perhaps I am just being emotional and naive... but this feeling is so strong it can't be ignored. What if I can't love anyone else as much as I loved him?

 

Why doesn't he understand how rare it is to find someone who loves you unconditionally? Why can't he see that what he had was extremely special? How can someone be so blind? It's so frustrating. I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he gets it. That love was real. It was comfortable and easy and that's how it's supposed to be. It was messy sometimes and it wasn't always fun, but it was everlasting.

 

I know there's nothing I can do. I'm not going to contact him, I'm done trying... I just wish there was some way to make him realize that the longer he's gone the more I'm slipping away.

 

I know how you feel. I was kind of in reverse situation - she was my first girlfriend and she had been in a few relationships. Another guy liked her. We dealt with it, then BAM, she ends things. Over the past few weeks we texted ocassionally about how much we missed each other and how she wanted to be with me but wasn't sure it was right. We were amazing together so I never gave up hope at getting back together.

 

Today I went to get my stuff and asked her on a date, to which she agreed. Initially happy, but then she basically followed it up with "I slept with someone". I wanted her back so bad I convinced myself it was okay, for a while, before I basically texted her saying **** this.

[LostOne1]

I know how you feel. I was kind of in reverse situation - she was my first girlfriend and she had been in a few relationships. Another guy liked her. We dealt with it, then BAM, she ends things. Over the past few weeks we texted ocassionally about how much we missed each other and how she wanted to be with me but wasn't sure it was right. We were amazing together so I never gave up hope at getting back together.

 

Today I went to get my stuff and asked her on a date, to which she agreed. Initially happy, but then she basically followed it up with "I slept with someone". I wanted her back so bad I convinced myself it was okay, for a while, before I basically texted her saying **** this.

exactly.. my ex asked me too. She said what If I'm with someone else.. would you still take me back? And sadly I said yes I would as long as she picked one that she can't date both. To be honest I kept thinking she was asking me, because she wanted to see if I would sink that low. But maybe I'm wondering if it was because she was seeing someone else and so she asked.

 

But I'd say if someone BU with you and then sleeps with someone else within 2-3 months. Then that person isn't worth it.

 

For my case she BU with me and within 3 weeks she had time with the other guy. If she did anything with him or slept with him. Then that's sad because she traded away 3 yrs for 3 weeks.

 

I personally don't know how someone does that.. gives up 3 yrs to start fresh with someone else within 3 weeks of a BU. It's harder to see it, because she did loved me a lot and did more than anyone has done for me. So it's hard to see her go from loving me that much to saying screw it I want this new guy. But I guess that's something we won't get.

[Javabear]

The thing that frustrates me about my breakup is that I'm almost positive my ex and the girl he left me for are not sleeping together and are not even actually in a relationship. I think he has a crush on her and I know they've gone on at least one date, but I'm pretty sure that's it. Granted I have no real way of knowing, but I'm very close with all of his close friends and I'm sure word would get back to me somehow. Plus, all of his friends have my back in this completely and they disagree with what he's done so I don't really see how they could actively support him and this new person right away anyway.

 

This whole situation would be totally different if he had said, "I don't love you anymore, I am in love with this other girl, she's in love with me too and I am so much happier now than I ever was with you." If he had said that then yes, it would have hurt, but at least it would have been an acceptable reason to leave me. However, he and I were together for 3 years, he told me time and time again how excited he was to marry me someday and when told me about this girl the very first thing he said was, "I like her but I don't want to because I love you." He had a crush on her and he didn't even know whether or not she felt the same. But he threw our relationship away anyway. That is what makes no sense to me.

This whole breakup is so nonsensical and stupid and I'm sick and tired of losing sleep over it but it is more clear to me now than ever that he and I were meant for each other and I'm having a very hard time believing that his crush on this other girl could even come remotely close to what we shared unless he lied to me for 3 years. And yes, I do realize how crazy I sound... I know...but I've given up trying to be reasonable.

[LostOne1]

The thing that frustrates me about my breakup is that I'm almost positive my ex and the girl he left me for are not sleeping together and are not even actually in a relationship. I think he has a crush on her and I know they've gone on at least one date, but I'm pretty sure that's it. Granted I have no real way of knowing, but I'm very close with all of his close friends and I'm sure word would get back to me somehow. Plus, all of his friends have my back in this completely and they disagree with what he's done so I don't really see how they could actively support him and this new person right away anyway.

 

This whole situation would be totally different if he had said, "I don't love you anymore, I am in love with this other girl, she's in love with me too and I am so much happier now than I ever was with you." If he had said that then yes, it would have hurt, but at least it would have been an acceptable reason to leave me. However, he and I were together for 3 years, he told me time and time again how excited he was to marry me someday and when told me about this girl the very first thing he said was, "I like her but I don't want to because I love you." He had a crush on her and he didn't even know whether or not she felt the same. But he threw our relationship away anyway. That is what makes no sense to me.

This whole breakup is so nonsensical and stupid and I'm sick and tired of losing sleep over it but it is more clear to me now than ever that he and I were meant for each other and I'm having a very hard time believing that his crush on this other girl could even come remotely close to what we shared unless he lied to me for 3 years. And yes, I do realize how crazy I sound... I know...but I've given up trying to be reasonable.

I wish I could help.. I thought just like you. How could my ex throw 3 years away for a guy she knows less than 3 weeks. And all these marriage, future, kids talk... it seems so unreal when it's over.

 

But the truth is.. SOMETHING happened. And sadly we won't know the full story. But something has happened for him to bail out. He wouldn't just bail out like that. Same with my ex something happened to her for her to say I don't want this anymore.

 

I don't have many answers but I guess sometimes when people BU with someone.. maybe they don't have the guts to say the truth? My ex never said much and I pushed her and finally she did.. but I don't know if it's the truth because it's possible she lied and said it out of anger.

 

I guess some people are stupid.. they throw away a relationship for something else. And not always is it something they find is better. But it;s their loss because THEY made the decision to do it.

[Javabear]

If he left for reasons much deeper than a crush on another person (stressed about the future/commitment, me asking for too much of his time, needing space to figure out what he wants etc.) is it possible that he is just using this other girl as a distraction or coping mechanism so he doesn't have to think about me? And, if that is the case, what are the chances that he'll come to his senses and realize what a colossal mistake he's turned his life into?

I am going to email him in a few days to let him know that I'm packing up the stuff he left at my apartment and I'm going to bring it to him since he hasn't come to get it after I asked him to a month ago. He needs to know that I am strong enough to give him his stuff and let him go. But I'm so sad that I have to do this. I have become so much closer with some of our mutual friends (he is in a band with two other guys and a girl and I've become much closer with the guys' girlfriends an the other girl in the band) because of this breakup and I wish that we could all spend time together. I feel like the reason behind this breakup was for me to learn to be more independent and make friends outside of just my boyfriend. I want him to see that I don't need him now, I would just prefer to have him in my life. I want him to know how much I've changed and how happy I am and that the only thing missing to complete the puzzle is to have him back.

[shadow15]

If he left for reasons much deeper than a crush on another person (stressed about the future/commitment, me asking for too much of his time, needing space to figure out what he wants etc.) is it possible that he is just using this other girl as a distraction or coping mechanism so he doesn't have to think about me? And, if that is the case, what are the chances that he'll come to his senses and realize what a colossal mistake he's turned his life into?

I am going to email him in a few days to let him know that I'm packing up the stuff he left at my apartment and I'm going to bring it to him since he hasn't come to get it after I asked him to a month ago. He needs to know that I am strong enough to give him his stuff and let him go. But I'm so sad that I have to do this. I have become so much closer with some of our mutual friends (he is in a band with two other guys and a girl and I've become much closer with the guys' girlfriends an the other girl in the band) because of this breakup and I wish that we could all spend time together. I feel like the reason behind this breakup was for me to learn to be more independent and make friends outside of just my boyfriend. I want him to see that I don't need him now, I would just prefer to have him in my life. I want him to know how much I've changed and how happy I am and that the only thing missing to complete the puzzle is to have him back.

 

i wouldnt bring it to him, he didnt come and get it a month ago so i would let it be. If you dont wanna put it up somewhere like in the closet where you wont see it, then i would suggest letting one of those mutual friends giving it to him. Im sorry for your pain though, my ex girlfriend of 2 years fell out of love with me, actually broke up the day after our 2 year anniversary, and almost exactly 2 months later she was in a relationship again. It sure can kill your ego.

[KJBA2816]

I am a similar situation to you. Me and my bf were together for 10 months broke up for a month, he begged me to get back together with him, so I did and he came out and said he had been using me for the last 3 months. He had been texting some other girl and I said are you going to leave me for her and he said you have nothing to worry about, I love you and 3 weeks after he told me he had been using me/doesn't love me he gets together with this girl. I have been his best friend for 4/5 years and his gf for over a year.. And now he doesn't want a thing to do with me at all. No texts/calls/fb/meeting up he even deleted all my friends and family off his fb for this other girl. And I am like HOW CAN YOU THROW AWAY 4/5 YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP AND OVER A YEAR OF RELATIONSHIP AWAY?!?! I am so crushed. It's been 1 day since I last contacted him (no reply) but the last time I heard from him was like 10 days ago. Massive hugs to you because I just can't get my head around what he is thinking about in order to treat a person like this big hugs <3

[NavyAirTraffic]

If he left for reasons much deeper than a crush on another person (stressed about the future/commitment, me asking for too much of his time, needing space to figure out what he wants etc.) is it possible that he is just using this other girl as a distraction or coping mechanism so he doesn't have to think about me? And, if that is the case, what are the chances that he'll come to his senses and realize what a colossal mistake he's turned his life into?

I am going to email him in a few days to let him know that I'm packing up the stuff he left at my apartment and I'm going to bring it to him since he hasn't come to get it after I asked him to a month ago. He needs to know that I am strong enough to give him his stuff and let him go. But I'm so sad that I have to do this. I have become so much closer with some of our mutual friends (he is in a band with two other guys and a girl and I've become much closer with the guys' girlfriends an the other girl in the band) because of this breakup and I wish that we could all spend time together. I feel like the reason behind this breakup was for me to learn to be more independent and make friends outside of just my boyfriend. I want him to see that I don't need him now, I would just prefer to have him in my life. I want him to know how much I've changed and how happy I am and that the only thing missing to complete the puzzle is to have him back.

 

1.) "Why" he left doesn't matter, him deciding to leave is all that counts.

 

2.) Him coming back is 100% out of your control, you can't make him come back, only do things to ensure he won't. "He knows you love him, he knows you want to be with him, he doesn't care right now".

 

3.) His thoughts/feelings are the last thing on your list!! He left you for selfish reasons (which is ok, he's allowed to leave), however do not factor him in any decision from here on out. You must be 1000% selfish right now. For every decision ask yourself "is this what I really want for me?" then do it (or don't).

 

4.) "I asked you a month ago, I'm putting your stuff out to the trash 1 day early just in case you want to pick it up before the trash man collects it." That's the only text he deserves. You will not inconvenience yourself for him anymore, he doesn't deserve that.

 

It's not easy what you're going through I understand, however you only have control of 1 thing right now YOU! Live by this:

 

- "I deserve someone who loves me and only me"

- "I do not chase someone who doesn't want to be with me"

- "I don't chase someone who wants to be with someone else"

- "I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me"

- "He lost, not me. I will do better, he will not!"