Reaching the Boiling Point

[redraider01]

Hi everyone. As the title suggests, I am getting to the point of hopeless frustration with my wife.

 

Background: She's 30, I'm nearly 30, we've been married 5 1/2 years, together for 8 total. We have a 3 year old daughter. She works part time. I am basically the sole financial provider. She stayed home full time until this past summer.

 

In the beginning our sex life was never "wild" averaging around once per week. However, I was satisfied with this. Since our daughter was born it's dwindled to about once or twice a month at most.

 

I've tried talking to her, to no avail. I get frustrated, angry and resentful that she doesn't seem to understand or care that sex is important to our relationship.

 

We are fighting on what seems like a bi-weekly basis over the lack of sex. We're in the middle of it now.

 

Her answer to everything is to simply withdraw rather than talk about the issues. Tonight she put our daughter to bed around 8, watched TV for an hour, worked on a project for another hour and then fell asleep without so much as saying 2 or 3 words to me all night.

 

She has made it clear that she views my need for more frequent sex as immaterial to our relationship. I looked at one of her text messages to her mother tonight where she described me as "acting like a baby" because I was upset. I will admit that I do tend to get upset with her over this but I just don't know what else to do. The pain and sadness of constant rejection has beaten me down.

 

Divorce is no option for me. I am a domestic attorney by trade and see first hand the trauma that divorce inflicts on families and children. There is no way in hell I want a court or judge telling me I can see my daughter 1 night a week.

 

I've had opportunities to stray but have resisted because I can't rationalize hurting my family and my wife whom I do love and care about. Over time, however, my will is weakening. Not that I will ever act on it but this is just killing me.

 

Is she being insensitive? I feel like I've tried to calmly express my position before and its like beating my head against a wall. She thinks I'm being a "baby" and to me that makes just want to give up trying.

 

Thoughts?

[JohnnyisNice]

Jeepers creepers friend - I hate to say this, but have you considered that she might be cheating on you ? I'm not being silly or trying to upset you at all. Women withdrawal from their men when they are cheating. Another alternative could be "post-pardem depression" (sp?)...I'm not saying I have the answer, but my first instinct is she might be cheating on you.

 

I hope that's not the case. I wish you the best with your situation.

[redraider01]

No I seriously doubt she's cheating. She has very few male friends and only socializes with other moms.

 

Jeepers creepers friend - I hate to say this, but have you considered that she might be cheating on you ? I'm not being silly or trying to upset you at all. Women withdrawal from their men when they are cheating. Another alternative could be "post-pardem depression" (sp?)...I'm not saying I have the answer, but my first instinct is she might be cheating on you.

 

I hope that's not the case. I wish you the best with your situation.

[redraider01]

Your reading comprehension is poor and you make way too many assumptions. If you go back and actually read I said "part time job." second, why do you assume she does all the house work? I do my fair share. Third, where did I say I had a "problem" being the sole financial provider.

 

Your characterization of a trained seal could not be more wrong. I just want the connection that comes with sex in marriage and don't think that's unfair to expect. Sorry you have a problem with that.

 

 

So, you want her to work a fulltime job AND take care of the house AND take care of the kid AND jump around like your trained sex seal.

 

Gotcha.

 

Since you seem to have a problem being the 'sole provider,' may I assume that if she starts working fulltime, you'll actually kick in and start doing 50% of everything right along with her?

 

Yeah, I thought not.

 

You've just become another job to her. I'm not saying that's right or justified, but you're just another whining 'thing' that needs to be taken care of. You need to switch that up a little so you're NOT viewed that way.

[Mint Sauce]

Have you told her that it is for you unbearable? That you will end up either cheating on her or leaving her? Even if you feel strongly that you won't leave her, I believe it's better to actually confront her with that possibility before even you have to admit that it has become so unbearable that in spite of your best will, you can't stay together.

 

I have been there, believe me, now is not a day too soon to wake her up. When I finally did, the damage of all the rejection was so large that I already crossed the point of no return: my equipment just refused to function with her.

 

And sometimes the ultimate threat (you leaving her) is the only way to wake someone up...

[waterwoman]

You appear to have disregarded the very sensible suggestion that she may be suffering from PND (post-natal-depression).

[redraider01]

Everything I've read suggests that post-natal depression lasts up to a year. Our daughter is 3 1/2 years old.

 

You appear to have disregarded the very sensible suggestion that she may be suffering from PND (post-natal-depression).

[Balzac]

You're a smart fellow, professionally trained in logic, strategy and process. Your reasoning about outcome, your moral repugnance about a judge dictating access to your beloved child, all put you into a no remedy position.

It's frustrating and frightful.

 

Characterizing you as a "baby" is quite the reveal. It's insulting, it's dehumanizing and sets her up to ignore your basic needs. She takes no ownership of what is a marital, joint problematic issue.

 

I encourage you to focus first and foremost on accepting that your normal biological drive is a fact. From that premise you can move on to approach several resolution scenarios. You can engage professional evaluators, intermediaries, whatever you can conjure up.

 

It's a very disappointing situation. You are young. I'm sorry you're in a miserable marriage. Your thoughts must have at some moments turned to reticence about additional children.

[waterwoman]

PDN if not treated can turn into normal depression. I wasn't diagnosed until my daughter was a year old and that first bout lasted for about 4 years.

[JamesM]

The amount of sex you have may be enough for some, but if it isn't enough for you then you need to fix the problem. Sex once a week would be fine with me and was when we were first married due to our busy schedules, but for many this is like being starved. At your age and stage of marriage, once or twice a month is too little. My guess is that the infrequency is rlated to how the condition of your marriage is and not her lack of libido.

 

I don't see anything that indicates she has or is cheating. Assuming the worst before trying to fix your marriage will sabotage any attempts or desire to fix your marriage.

 

I would suggest marriage counseling. You have a child that is the focus of her life. She needs to give some of that focus back to her marriage. And the fact that she confides in her mother about you is not a good sign. Good marriages don't involve a partner telling his or her parents abut spouses.

 

Having been farther down the road than you in a sexless marriage, then I would emphatically say to you: fix it now or you will be living with it for a long time too come. Demand counseling. This will help you in learning how to parent and be lovers.

 

Good luck. Never give up. For the sake of your beautiful daughter, fix the problems and don't divorce.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Young (under 30), married 5.5 years with a young daughter, good looking, successful (maybe as an attorney you are not, but play along) with an emasculating wife who claims you are a baby.

 

Run and run fast...... You have a life ahead of you and opportunities.

 

Of course you won't listen and would instead be miserable.

 

Ask JamesM (can't help myself:p;)) if given the same options and parameters how he would have handled it.

 

Everyone like to use the stress, too much work, kids excuse to explain why there isn't a friggin hour a week to have sex twice......

 

Fine don't run right now, but do something about it!!!!!!!

Edited November 20, 2012 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Mr. Lucky]

Divorce is no option for me. I am a domestic attorney by trade and see first hand the trauma that divorce inflicts on families and children. There is no way in hell I want a court or judge telling me I can see my daughter 1 night a week.

 

Let's see:

 

1). Divorce not an option

 

2). Fighting about it doesn't work

 

I'd guess that, given her attitude. your wife wouldn't see the need for:

 

3). MC and/or IC

 

I don't usually agree with what Duck Soup says (or especially how he says it ) but he does have a point:

 

You are a young man and no matter how bad you think divorce is you definitely don't want to spend another 40 years with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you (let's face it, what she's doing with you and has been counts as minimalistic duty sex, right?) and treats you like crap.

 

So what are you prepared and willing to do?

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

Run and run fast...... You have a life ahead of you and opportunities.

 

Of course you won't listen and would instead be miserable.

 

Ask JamesM (can't help myself:p;)) if given the same options and parameters how he would have handled it.

 

Everyone like to use the stress, too much work, kids excuse to explain why there isn't a friggin hour a week to have sex twice......

 

Fine don't run right now, but do something about it!!!!!!!

 

TDP, as always it is good to hear from you! I just knew you wouldn't resist this thread.

 

What would I do in your shoes at your age with a young daughter?

 

As I said (assuming that you have been blunt and straightforward with a strong air about you...telling her that this is important to your marriage):

 

1. Marriage counseling/Individual counseling.

Convincing her means that you tell her why this is necessary. It is not because YOU are not getting enough sex, but because there is a problem in your marriage as indicated by her lack of interest in sex. You feel that the closeness that you both had is waning and the bond is lessening. The result is less sexual connection. MC is important because it will help the two of you to work together and find out why. Even if you both don't feel the need, then for the sake of your daughter, it is necessary.

 

You may discover that she has reasons why sex is not appealing to her. She may have told you already, but you have either not heard them or dismissed them as a minor problem.

You may discover that sex is not the problem but a symptom of the problem.

 

2. If she won't go, then IC for you.

This will at least help you get everything out and examine what is the actual problem.

 

3. Look at all possible causes. (This should actually be with #1 MC).

Don't dismiss what waterwoman has said about post natal depression. It is very real and can last longer than you think. EVen if it did last for a year, then the reaction that you had to it may have simply made her resentful...and hence less sex.

While you think that you "do your share" of the housework, you may not be sympathetic to her needs. If she is still working and putting a child to bed while you are sitting on the couch, then you may want to examine how your evenings are going. It has been awhile, but I remember how exhausted my wife was after being with kids all day or working and then coming home to kids. I know I did not do enough...despite doing what I thought was "my fair share."

 

3. If that doesn't work, then separation.

 

 

 

Calling you a baby is simply a comment out of frustration. It is not a reflection of her view of you overall. Thinking that she is a selfish bitch will be exacerbating the situation and will keep you from understanding her position.

 

While divorce is always an option that many consider, doing so before exhausting every possible solution will be a poor role model for your daughter. You are her father first and the husband of her mother second, but leaving her mother before trying to solve the problem will give your daughter an idea of what men are like.

 

As has been said, man up. But when I say man up, I mean to face the problem with resolve and objectivity. Running because YOU have your whole life to live without considering what this will do to your daughter is a selfish and easier route than facing the problem and being certain that no solutions are available before leaving.

 

You made a commitment. Your wife made a commitment. Even if you feel that she is not living up to her end of the commitment, this does not give you the right to forgo yours...even if for the sake of your daughter and the life of your family.

[redraider01]

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. They really help put things in perspective. The thing that bothers me the most from this is the mom issue. She literally tells her mother everything! I've told her before that there are

some things that parents just don't need to know and issues in our sex life have to be at the top of the list. I just can't imagine why an adult woman with her own family and independent life would have any interest in talking about sex with their mother. Especially when she should

be talking with me because it's our problem.

 

Dont want to come off as whiny, i just don't think it's an appropriate thing to share.

Edited November 20, 2012 by redraider01

[Balzac]

No disagreement but IF your mother-in-law is wise, reasoned and knows her daughter well, she could be an ally. You have not shared about her.

 

Your wife sounds immature and possibly, not sure, of very average intelligence.

Were you aware of this prior to the marriage? Is there a father-in-law in the mix?

[Mr. Lucky]

3. If that doesn't work, then separation.

James, since most would agree you've satisfied 1. and 2. (And then some...), what stops you from following your own good advice?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Toodamnpragmatic]

But your happiness and a happy household and two loving parents is what your daughter needs most in her life.

 

To see a resentful, powder keg of a marriage is sad and a bad example.

 

You do everything you can to fix it and then if unsuccessful run from your wife, not familial responsibilities......

 

When your daughter grows up you explain what to look for and expect in a husband, a marriage and a future life. You don't tell her to settle....

Edited November 21, 2012 by Toodamnpragmatic

[kookybunny]

Oh this is all hilarious. Don't you realize that explaining how lack of sex affects you is just going to make her get annoyed and resist you further? Look at the deeper issue, you desire more intimacy. For her to connect with you, see you as a man, desire you. She cannot do this if she doesn't feel good about herself. Pregnancy or not, she is probably depressed. She would likely benefit from a solo vacation, some individual therapy, the pursuit of some passions she has such as hobbies, a mani pedi, a hairdo, hitting the gym...

When was the last time you two went on a date? So, you have to decide if she is worth the effort and then BOTH work on your relationship: first with YOURSELVES, then with each other. Try talking to her gently about the bigger picture, the CAUSE of the symptoms, instead of bitching about no sex. That's like telling someone with cancer that their bald head looks bad.

[JamesM]

James, since most would agree you've satisfied 1. and 2. (And then some...), what stops you from following your own good advice?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

First off...I gave my opinion to the OP as he is and not as I am. I would not give myself this advice. With the kids we have and the history we have and the love I have for her, I would not recommend separation.

 

Second, honestly we have never had counseling.

 

Third, his wife IMO is lacking an interest due to having a toddler in the house and perhaps a lack of energy. I also think that this is a situation where they are not speaking the same language. It has nothing to do with her being physically sick or in pain. It is more of a relationship issue that is curtailing the sex.

 

Fourth, my situation is better. I am waiting to see if it is a blip or a pattern.

[JamesM]

But your happiness and a happy household and two loving parents is what your daughter needs most in her life.

 

Totally agree.

 

To see a resentful, powder keg of a marriage is sad and a bad example.

 

Very true.

 

You do everything you can to fix it and then if unsuccessful run from your wife, not familial responsibilities......

 

Agree but disagree. Here is where the "do everything you can" is a very important term. You chose to marry this woman and committed yourself to her for better or for worse. Running from this problem is not what you planned on doing. And saying that she is not honoring her vow may be true at the moment, but it doesn't give you the right to break yours. I have had to learn that myself.

 

I feel that if the two of you sat down with a MC then you would both have your eyes opened to the other person's viewpoint. I am guessing that in those heated discussion that you had a year or two ago, she told you what the problem is. But like many of us men, you overlooked her feelings and focused more no how you could get more sex. Now she no longer wants to repeat the same thing over and hear your same objections.

 

You see sex as separate from how the two of you get along. She sees it as the result of how the two of you get along. You both need to learn the other's language.

 

When your daughter grows up you explain what to look for and expect in a husband, a marriage and a future life. You don't tell her to settle....

 

Agree...and you show her by example that she can find a guy who will persevere and stand by his commitment. You can show her by example that a commitment is more than just a feeling. It is about building a marriage when it seems more than challenging. You show her that "manning up" means standing up and confronting the problem. You show her that a good candidate for a husband is a man who will love her and be with her because he said so.

 

You will show her by example that a real man does not run.

 

You have taken the first step by coming here and voicing your problems and looking for answers. Now you should take the next step and find how you can show your love to your wife and daughter by solving what is wrong with your marriage.

[waterwoman]

Hi James, so glad to hear things are improving a little.

[Mr. Lucky]

Fourth, my situation is better. I am waiting to see if it is a blip or a pattern.

That is indeed good news. Hope the progress continues and you both reap the benefits.

Second, honestly we have never had counseling.

That surprises me but I don't want to further TJ the OP's issues...

 

Mr. Lucky