KissMyTiara Posted August 7, 2004 Share Posted August 7, 2004 What do you do when your MM calls last minute to break plans with you? When he says "something has come up," and that you can't see each other that night? Do you question him? Say ok and act like it's no big thing? MY MM usually "works late" on Friday nights (or so his W would believe), so we usually have the ability to see each other on Friday nights (as well as a day or two during the week). But my MM just called and cancelled on me, two hours before we were supposed to see each other, and when he was saying he was sorry and felt bad that he was cancelling on me (even said he felt guilty for cancelling on me...odd?), he was actually a bit snippy, to the point where I had to say "uh, why are you getting mad at ME? what did I do here?" and then he continued, "I just feel bad, I feel guilty about not seeing you tonight...", all the while still in that tone. (Mind you, I have NEVER given him a hard time about cancelling for legit reasons.) My gut told me that his wife was nagging or something, and he was taking out his irritation at her on me. I told him I was disappointed, and that he should understand at least that much. Other than that, I just said, "Ok, well, maybe next week then?" to which he said "absolutely, I am making this up to you." Thoughts from my fellow OW? The MM? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted August 7, 2004 Share Posted August 7, 2004 Unfortunately as the OW you can't really be the priority. You're always left with canceled plans. It's a part of the package. The less than desirable part, but then again you're sleeping with a married man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 7, 2004 Author Share Posted August 7, 2004 Pocky - I know, I know. I can't be the priority, I am not the priority, but it still sucks, ya know? I'm trying to get him to let me know about the cancellation earlier. I had turned down other plans for this evening (movie with a gal pal) bc of our plans, but then couldn't get a hold of her when he cancelled, so I felt royally screwed over. Interestingly, his tone on the phone keeps resonating in my head. He sounded so irritated when he called, like as if he would rather have me BE the priority, but bc of the circcumstances, I can't be. Am I just projecting? Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted August 7, 2004 Share Posted August 7, 2004 Same thing happened to me last week. Except that he could not call to cancel and I ended calling his cell phone to which I knew he would not answer. It left me furious. He called me back to apologize and I made it very short with the "yeah ok, busy now gotta go" You should have read his apologetic e-mail afterwards. We have agreed since then that if different variables come into the equation then I am to assume he is not coming over. It sucks when you feel he is taking out his irritation on you. I would never put up with these things. He knows I am a hard headed person who doesn't put up with anyone. You are not projecting on how he feels because I think this is the truth. MM gets excited all day when he knows he will seeing you. He will act like a child promised a trip only to find out that he cannot go. Wait and see, when he comes to spend time with you, it will be amazing...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 7, 2004 Author Share Posted August 7, 2004 Originally posted by fanou22 You are not projecting on how he feels because I think this is the truth. MM gets excited all day when he knows he will seeing you. He will act like a child promised a trip only to find out that he cannot go. Wait and see, when he comes to spend time with you, it will be amazing...... Ya think? Wouldn't that be great? I was confused about why he was pissy, vacilating back and forth between thinking he was excited-then-disappointed-then-pissed, like what you suggest, and him thinking that I was being a pain in the ass by being disappointed. Thing is, I made a comment to him earlier in the week about how I feel like everything's always at his convenience (which it is, and I guess, based on the OW/MM aspect of our relationship, it sorta has to be). See, we are about an hour apart, and it was getting so that the only time we saw each other was if he was in my town for business reasons (which happens 2-3 times a week) or when I would go see him in his town at his office (I know, shady, but where else are we supposed to go?). So, it was working out that he could kill two birds with one stone by seeing me in my town, or I'd be the one putting in the effort to see him... It was getting so that he wasn't putting in any effort JUST to see me, make sense? SOOOOO.....when he called today to cancel and also said that he'd make it up to me early next week, he also said that he'd make a point of coming to see me the next few times when he didn't have any other reason to be in my town other than to see me, which I think is a very sweet gesture, don't you? So, have you seen your MM since he flaked on you last week? Link to post Share on other sites
1Yoyo Posted August 7, 2004 Share Posted August 7, 2004 My MM has yet to cancel on me (knock on wood), but I have canceled MANY times on him in the past. Each time plans are made to see each other or meet, we have been able to do so. He did have to leave me once after driving a few hours to see me, because his daughter got sick. I remember feeling pretty crappy after he left. Yo Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted August 7, 2004 Share Posted August 7, 2004 Yes, I did see him since then. And as I said the reunion was amazing. I had put him off twice before I saw him again. A couple of things had happened during this week. A few weeks back I met a single guy who is interested but the problem is he lives in another state. Anyway, the single guy sent me flowers which MM saw when he came to my place. When asked I told him about that single guy.........He was jealous and proceeded to show me what a great lover he is. MM and I discussed the possibility of my meeting someone I could have something with. He understands that once I start dating someone that we have to end our relationship. So we will see what happens next. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted August 7, 2004 Share Posted August 7, 2004 I'd like to give my two cents on this. I think that as the OW I was already, obviously, settling for less than what I should have simply by being with someone who has another life, another lover (however infrequent, whatever - he still has someone else), other priorities, obligations, etc. And it's easy as the OW to keep moving the line further and further into what you accept because you're already accepting leftovers. But...I never tolerated my MM cancelling plans. He knew that if we made plans, he'd be expected to be there, on time, period. Did I ever cancel or did he? Sure, here or there, a few times, of course things happen - just like with other friends. Last week, I had a friend cancel last minute because her daughter was sick and the babysitter asked her to come home. I've had to cancel when a client moves a deadline and I have to work late. OK, that's understandable. Same types of things can happen with any man, including a MM. But....I would try not to play the role of letting him cancel, frequently and without a fair reason. Remember, you've agreed to be in a relationship with someone who is married to someone else. You haven't agreed to be in a relationship where any crap he throws you is OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 8, 2004 Author Share Posted August 8, 2004 KKat - I can see what you mean about moving the line further and further back. I can actually sense that happening already. How can I make it so that line stays put? Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted August 8, 2004 Share Posted August 8, 2004 You could always get a boyfriend who doesn't have other plans Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted August 8, 2004 Share Posted August 8, 2004 Well, it's odd to me that as the OW, you already know you're #2 when it comes to a lot of situations. That said, you get angry when you're not made a priority in his life. Thus his irritation with you. If you are going to play the OW role, accept the fact that once you become inconvenient, he will probably end the affair anyway. Before you do. Been there, done that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 8, 2004 Author Share Posted August 8, 2004 Karlisle - I am not "angry" and his irritation was not with ME. I am frustrated, yes, but not angry. I don't think that most OW go into their relationship really consciously knowing that they aren't going to be the priority - this is based on the way the MM acts towards the OW (and me)...the OW thinks that she is what he wants, and therefore, he puts her first. It's only after time passes and circumstances occur that the OW (me) figures this all out. That said, I would appreciate a kinder tone next time, Karlisle. Also, seeing me has been inconvenient since day one. If he were going to toss me the moment I did, this never would have started in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I don't mean to come off as smarmy. It's just that I hate to see intelligent, caring women waste endless amounts of mental energy on the obvious. Maybe you're just a lot younger than I am.... For what it's worth, he could be the greatest lover in the world. But the fact remains as the OW there is an unspoken 'deal' between you (as most men like to say 'we have an understanding'.....) That you must take the back seat when Priorities Number 1, 2 and 3 rear their heads. He will try to placate you and say all the right things when you're inconvenienced, but eventually....if you don't 'play the game' according to the Unspoken Deal between you, he will end things. Sometimes a New Game comes about, where you end up as New Wife...but that's another animal entirely. I am trying to state it as kindly as I can. This is one of the World's Oldest Games and I see women getting into it over and over and over and over and over again..... all convinced that they're the ones who will get him to play by new rules. Please know this is said with utmost sincerity and YES....kindness Link to post Share on other sites
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