Wife asked me to leave the house

[firstandlast]

I'm sure some of you will be thrilled to hear this, but in the process of answering my questions about the affair, I admitted to my wife that my xMW had sent me naked pictures at one point. The wife freaked out and asked me to leave the house until I've resolved my lingering feelings for the xMW.

 

She's completely justified, of course, but I am shaken up. I don't want to lose my family but can't get the xMW out of my head -- despite being in NC for nearly and month and her having moved on to a new AP.

 

I can't believe my marriage is in jeopardy over something that meant so little to the xMW -- and that my life is in shambles while the xMW is enjoying her marriage and the thrill of a new A.

 

And now I'm questioning my new policy of truth. I should have come clean a long time ago, but seeing my wife's reaction to hearing about the pictures makes me wonder what happens if I admit the affair was physical and lasted so long. I am so lost right now.

[Tenacity]

I'm sure some of you will be thrilled to hear this, but in the process of answering my questions about the affair, I admitted to my wife that my xMW had sent me naked pictures at one point. The wife freaked out and asked me to leave the house until I've resolved my lingering feelings for the xMW.

 

She's completely justified, of course, but I am shaken up. I don't want to lose my family but can't get the xMW out of my head -- despite being in NC for nearly and month and her having moved on to a new AP.

 

I can't believe my marriage is in jeopardy over something that meant so little to the xMW -- and that my life is in shambles while the xMW is enjoying her marriage and the thrill of a new A.

 

And now I'm questioning my new policy of truth. I should have come clean a long time ago, but seeing my wife's reaction to hearing about the pictures makes me wonder what happens if I admit the affair was physical and lasted so long. I am so lost right now.

 

Sorry for the pain that you are going through.

 

You may not feel it now, but you dodged a bullet when this MW dropped you for a new AP.

 

Your W is totally justified of course, and part of what she likely needs to work through (if she knows this) is that if the MW would not have left you in the lurch, you would likely still be involved with her. She hasn't yet asked if the affair was physical? (I would think that would be the first question she asked...)

 

All you can do now is be honest and give her the time she needs. But be sure you are committed to her and the marriage, not just wanting to stay with her because your MW left... otherwise you will just be in the same situation in the future. If your W decides to trust you after this, she deserves nothing less than all of your love and commitment to the marriage and to no one else.

[skywriter]

firstandlast,

 

I'm sorry for what you and your W are going through. I hope that,the two of you,can work through this and keep your family in tact.

 

Stay strong and continue to post if it's helpful.

[2sunny]

You have work to do on yourself!

 

Get honest with your wife IF you expect to EVER attempt to earn her trust back... Whether you stay married or not.

 

Get counseling too!

 

And the fact that your focus is STILL on your MW shows that you aren't INVESTING in rebuilding the failed M.

 

If you don't INTEND to focus ALL your time and energy on your wife - gift her the divorce so she can find some peace and happiness with someone who will honor and respect her!

[firstandlast]

She hasn't yet asked if the affair was physical? (I would think that would be the first question she asked...)

 

All you can do now is be honest and give her the time she needs. But be sure you are committed to her and the marriage, not just wanting to stay with her because your MW left... otherwise you will just be in the same situation in the future. If your W decides to trust you after this, she deserves nothing less than all of your love and commitment to the marriage and to no one else.

 

She has asked, but I've denied it so far. I'm not proud of that, but I am planning to tell her on Saturday (I said I'll answer all of her questions if she thought it will help the marriage). I'm really afraid of telling her the depth and length of the affair -- and I've seen experts go both ways on whether it's better to tell.

 

You're right about being sure of what I want. She deserves someone who really loves her. I hope I'm that person.

[Spark1111]

I'm sure some of you will be thrilled to hear this, but in the process of answering my questions about the affair, I admitted to my wife that my xMW had sent me naked pictures at one point. The wife freaked out and asked me to leave the house until I've resolved my lingering feelings for the xMW.

 

She's completely justified, of course, but I am shaken up. I don't want to lose my family but can't get the xMW out of my head -- despite being in NC for nearly and month and her having moved on to a new AP.

 

I can't believe my marriage is in jeopardy over something that meant so little to the xMW -- and that my life is in shambles while the xMW is enjoying her marriage and the thrill of a new A.

 

And now I'm questioning my new policy of truth. I should have come clean a long time ago, but seeing my wife's reaction to hearing about the pictures makes me wonder what happens if I admit the affair was physical and lasted so long. I am so lost right now.

 

Firstandlast, you are obviously upset the affair meant so little to your xMW, but your wife rightly cares about what the affair meant to you.

 

Obviously a lot as you cannot get the OWout oc your head and I think your wife is astute enough to know that.

 

Sorry, but I'd throw you out too until I saw how much you valued me as a lover and life partner, not clumped together under the heading of "family."

 

And naked pictures tell me one thing: Your OW wanted to be sexual and your wife has probably figured out you did not resist.

 

Yeah, truth is the best thing if you really want to heal her.

 

Does your wife know the xMW is already moved on to another man?

 

How do you feel to have been played?

[firstandlast]

You have work to do on yourself!

 

Get honest with your wife IF you expect to EVER attempt to earn her trust back... Whether you stay married or not.

 

Get counseling too!

 

And the fact that your focus is STILL on your MW shows that you aren't INVESTING in rebuilding the failed M.

 

If you don't INTEND to focus ALL your time and energy on your wife - gift her the divorce so she can find some peace and happiness with someone who will honor and respect her!

 

I am in therapy, and totally agree with everything else you say. I need to get unstuck from the A.

[firstandlast]

Firstandlast, you are obviously upset the affair meant so little to your xMW, but your wife rightly cares about what the affair meant to you.

 

Obviously a lot as you cannot get the OWout oc your head and I think your wife is astute enough to know that.

 

Sorry, but I'd throw you out too until I saw how much you valued me as a lover and life partner, not clumped together under the heading of "family."

 

And naked pictures tell me one thing: Your OW wanted to be sexual and your wife has probably figured out you did not resist.

 

Yeah, truth is the best thing if you really want to heal her.

 

Does your wife know the xMW is already moved on to another man?

 

How do you feel to have been played?

 

My wife knows that the xMW is dating one of my co-workers. That's what precipitated this crises -- she figured that I wouldn't be so bothered by that fact if I didn't still have feelings for the xMW.

 

How does it feel to have been played? I'm pretty clear in my other posts that it's been pretty devastating. And the irony is not lost on me -- I understand that whatever hurt I feel about being played by the xMW, my wife feels much worse about my having had the affair.

[Spark1111]

She has asked, but I've denied it so far. I'm not proud of that, but I am planning to tell her on Saturday (I said I'll answer all of her questions if she thought it will help the marriage). I'm really afraid of telling her the depth and length of the affair -- and I've seen experts go both ways on whether it's better to tell.

 

You're right about being sure of what I want. She deserves someone who really loves her. I hope I'm that person.

 

I'm pretty sure she doesn't believe you.

 

WS's have a brief window of opportunity to fight for the marriage, and that means having the courage to truthfully answer whatever questions are asked of you, and even you volunteering the info before asked, as in how long, timeline, how it started and what sustained it.

 

If you trickle truth or lie by omission, you just dug a bigger and wider grave to bury the marriage in.....and your still obsessed about an OW who used you.

 

Sorry, but I'd throw you out too. Who could live with someone who is still lying to protect themselves and their OW from the consequences of their decision to lie and betray the unsuspecting BS.

 

Can you think of any reasons right now that you would stay married to you, if your wife had acted or was acting like you are now?

 

Of course not!

 

W hat do you plan to do about it?

[firstandlast]

Do you want to stay married?

 

I want to. I'm not super-attracted to my wife right now, but she is attractive,and I realize I am probably unfairly comparing the marriage to the relationship I thought I had with the xMW.

[Tenacity]

I want to. I'm not super-attracted to my wife right now, but she is attractive,and I realize I am probably unfairly comparing the marriage to the relationship I thought I had with the xMW.

 

Seriously? When asked if you want to stay married, all you can come up with is a comment about her physical appearance and how you're not as much into that right now as much as you were with the OW?

 

You have A LOT of work to do. If I were her, I would divorce you. You do not at all seem committed to this marriage, and it seems like you are only paying lip service to being sorry you hurt your wife, perhaps because that's how you are "supposed" to feel, or because you don't want to disrupt your life and end up alone.

 

I'm just giving you my honest opinion. You have a long way to go before you are in any way ready to earn back your wife and her trust.

[Decorative]

I want to. I'm not super-attracted to my wife right now, but she is attractive,and I realize I am probably unfairly comparing the marriage to the relationship I thought I had with the xMW.

 

That is called the contrast effect. It's a psychological thing. Chemicals and all at the ending of the affair. Strict no contact with OMW and your co-worker that is screwing her now should help that abate.

 

But if I were your wife ? I'd have kicked you out , too. You are trickle truthing and lying, and what's the point in being invested in that, from her side of the street?

[woinlove]

I agree with LFH about how you are treating your W. I would also add that continuing to lie while giving out small pieces of truth is probably going to make your wife feel crazy, like she can't tell reality from fiction, doesn't know which words, if any, of yours to believe, and it may temporarily change her into a person which neither herself nor you like very much. It is an incredibly cruel way to treat someone, and once she recovers from such treatment, she could rightfully not want anything to do with you, ever.

 

So, I suggest, since you have already started handing out tiny pieces of the truth, that you now choose between divorcing your W or telling the truth. Anything in-between is just cruel and neither of you is going to like the consequences if you continue with this strategy.

[firstandlast]

"She is attractive" is a pretty lousy reason to stay married. You're not really doing her any favors and you're treating her like a consolation prize and that's not cool.

She certainly feels that.

I'm not a huge proponent of spilling your guts, but others swear by it.

 

I think the biggest thing you need to figure out before you try and even attempt to fix this with your wife, is why WERE you willing to cheat on her? And are you going to do it again? and if your former AP were to show up tomorrow and throw herself at your feet would you be right back in?

 

Because you don't sound exactly all in on repairing your marriage. I don't believe you can go back, I think some people can go forward and create something new, and maybe even in some cases better (though I still think that's rare) but you can't do that if you aren't 100% committed to it. So make up your mind before you break her heart again, becasue your behavior is telling her you'd rather be with your AP than her.

 

So you say you want to stay married. Why?

 

I want to stay married because my wife is a rare, wonderful person. Talented, loving, a wonderful mother and supportive friend. I brought up the attraction because that's the one thing that is missing right now -- my physical passion for her has waned. We also have a young daughter that I don't want to lose.

 

I cheated at a period of my life where my wife and I weren't getting along -- she was unhappy with our financial situation (money was tight, but we weren't in debt or anything and had everything we needed) and by he town admission, somewhat controlling. I felt pushed into a new career that, while more lucrative, doesn't really fit me. I felt insecure in the new job and old -- very vulnerable to falling for a young, vibrant, attractive coworker. This is not a justification, just an explanation. I know better know how to see the warning signs and would never do something so stupid again.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sure some of you will be thrilled to hear this, but in the process of answering my questions about the affair, I admitted to my wife that my xMW had sent me naked pictures at one point. The wife freaked out and asked me to leave the house until I've resolved my lingering feelings for the xMW.

Rightfully so. Allow her that time and space to deal with her devastation, and you work your ass off to get over the exMW and deal with that. DO counseling, whatever it takes to fix "you".

 

She's completely justified, of course, but I am shaken up. I don't want to lose my family but can't get the xMW out of my head -- despite being in NC for nearly and month and her having moved on to a new AP.

You have to. If you want your wife, your marriage and home life - Then suck it up and MAKE yourself get over the exMW. WHO cares if she finds another AP. Or if she stays married. Decide which is more important, make a decision and stick to it. Don't let your ego get in the way. If you do, and you can't let go of exMM and keep her as an obsession, then you might as well divorce now because your wife doesn't stand a chance if you can't get over the exMW.

 

I can't believe my marriage is in jeopardy over something that meant so little to the xMW -- and that my life is in shambles while the xMW is enjoying her marriage and the thrill of a new A.

 

STOP putting all this and all the focus on your exMW. This is about YOU pissing away your marriage over someone who couldn't care less about you. You fell for her and she didn't fall for you. Accept that and please stop blaming her. This is ALL on you since you betrayed your wife.

 

And now I'm questioning my new policy of truth. I should have come clean a long time ago, but seeing my wife's reaction to hearing about the pictures makes me wonder what happens if I admit the affair was physical and lasted so long. I am so lost right now.

 

Come clean. You have to. This is the only way your wife will be able to eventually trust you if you don't hold back. if you hide stuff and she finds out, you're screwed and on the way to divorce land...Go to marriage counseling with her and on your own. Face the heat, face the music and deal with the consquences of your choices. Yes, your marriage may still end up in divorce, but at least YOU will be doing all that you can to prevent that and prove to your wife you're worthy of a chance to try to make things work with her.

Just know that she *may* not forgive you or want to give you a chance. She has every right to want to divorce. Some people don't forgive affairs, it's one strike and you're out. I hope she gives you a chance. If she does, you better be over exMW so you can earn her trust and faith in you.

 

Sorry this is harsh man, but you need a big swift kick in the arse.

[whichwayisup]

I want to stay married because my wife is a rare, wonderful person. Talented, loving, a wonderful mother and supportive friend. I brought up the attraction because that's the one thing that is missing right now -- my physical passion for her has waned. We also have a young daughter that I don't want to lose.

 

I cheated at a period of my life where my wife and I weren't getting along -- she was unhappy with our financial situation (money was tight, but we weren't in debt or anything and had everything we needed) and by he town admission, somewhat controlling. I felt pushed into a new career that, while more lucrative, doesn't really fit me. I felt insecure in the new job and old -- very vulnerable to falling for a young, vibrant, attractive coworker. This is not a justification, just an explanation. I know better know how to see the warning signs and would never do something so stupid again.

 

Be honest and tell your wife what you said above. Of course it doesn't justify it, but it explains your reasonings and mindset as to why you allowed yourself close to another. Not saying she will understand, but at least she'll know why you did what you did.

 

What you shared with your exMW, that passion and attraction won't be what you have with your wife. It'll be different. Nobody can compare right now, I mean that crush like feeling that starts out during most relationships eventually end and turn into slow lasting love and passion... It's up to you and your wife to keep the flame alive. Don't compare what you had with exMW with what you have with your wife.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

I only read your first post before responding, so if my reply is irrelevant in light of subsequent postings, please forgive me...

 

firstly, I'm glad that yu posted what you did. It's a good example of the fact that the fallacy that betrayed spouses beg and cajole the wayward spouse to stay is often untrue... in fact, many are like your wife...we ask our wayward spouses to leave

 

I told my husband to leave, but we were able to work things through and stay together, but i won't lie to you and say that it was an easy road. Your wife probably asked you to leave because she's hurting, and also astute enough to know you are probably lying to her about the extent of your affair. If ever there was a time for truth, it's now. She needs your honesty if you are ever to find a way through this, and part of letting her know that you want your marriage to work is providing that honesty. I now it will be hard, it's probably had for you to admit, you're scared of what could happen and you don't want to hurt her...but if you ever want to make things right between you, it's the only way to go.

If you're too afraid to do it in person or on your own, try writing her a letter explaining what happened, or offer to start marriage counseling and bring it up there.

This is going to sound really weird, but if your wife knows the full extent of what happened, she may be able to be there for you and help see you through your "withdrawal' from the other woman. If you both agree that your marriage is your top priority right now, and you are both willing to do whatever it takes to make it strong, you can get through this together. I'm not going to lie and say it will be easy, or that it's what she wants right now, but it can happen if you both want it enough and are honest with each other.

best of luck to you

[Tenacity]

Be honest and tell your wife what you said above. Of course it doesn't justify it, but it explains your reasonings and mindset as to why you allowed yourself close to another. Not saying she will understand, but at least she'll know why you did what you did.

 

What you shared with your exMW, that passion and attraction won't be what you have with your wife. It'll be different. Nobody can compare right now, I mean that crush like feeling that starts out during most relationships eventually end and turn into slow lasting love and passion... It's up to you and your wife to keep the flame alive. Don't compare what you had with exMW with what you have with your wife.

 

This is so true. You are acting as if this feeling you have for this OW is some kind of love story when it's only the feeling of a crush and that initial rush that EVERYONE feels at first during a relationship before real life sets in. Combined with this, you love how this OW made you feel.... you used her for your own self-validation during a time when you were feeling insecure and depressed about how your life was going. You miss how she made you FEEL, not her. You never shared "real life" with her - kids, work, bills, laundry, etc.

 

What you feel for her is called limerence. Look it up. You HAVE to stop giving into these compulsive emotions which aren't real and aren't long-term or based on love. You MUST start engaging your brain in Reality and making decisions that come from your big head rather than your smaller one, and then carry out those decisions and stop worrying about the OW fantasy!

 

I guarantee you - those feelings don't last. If you stayed with OW those feelings would fade and you then would be saying about her: "I'm not really attracted to her anymore". I promise you. Except if you ended up with this OW, what you would NOT be saying at the same time is this: "I want to stay married because my wife is a rare, wonderful person. Talented, loving, a wonderful mother and supportive friend".

 

So which life do you really want in the long-term?

[firstandlast]

That's a much better answer... but I ask again, if your former AP were to show up tomorrow and tell you she had made a mistake and wanted to be with you, what would you do?

 

I do see your reasons as you making excuses to yourself, so what will prevent you from actually doing it again next time life gets harder than you'd like?

 

My xMW and I used to have this conversation a lot -- what would I do if she showed up at my door and asked me to run away with her? At the early stages of the affair, I said (and believed) yes, though I knew that actually doing it would be harder than it sounds. When the xMW got pregnant (she miscarried the same day the pregnancy was confirmed), I panicked at the thought of losing my family. After the xMW had her second affair during our three-month breakup, huge red flags went up for me, and when she asked the question again, I told her, no, I wouldn't leave with her while she was still in an unsettled state. But honestly, I might still have done it.

 

I'm sure I'd tell her no now. But I can't say that part of me wouldn't want to.

 

As for not letting it happen again, understanding why it happened helps me recognize how work relationships can so easily descend into to affairs. I know how to nip things in the bud.

[ComingInHot]

firstandlast;

I am trying to understand (really hard)...

You are SO hurt and abandoned and betrayed right now. I can feel your pain and I am SO sorry.

What I am lost on is what you "say" about your wife...

I "read" you know in your head that your wife is more hurt but I don't feel anything come across that you truly understand and Feel her hurt. You write all these lovely things about your Wife but I don't see any compassion, sorrow, emotion surrounding your words.

 

I can write all day about the debilitating and unbearable pain you (OW) inflicted on your wife but it would be already Known by you but regrettably lost on you as well. That is what breaks my heart.

You still Lie

You still hold back

You still DON'T truly know what you have done to your wife, only what has been done to you.

Please, PLEASE try to empathize with your wife!!!! Whether you remain married or not, you should understand what you have done to her. I believe it will make a difference in every area of your life and relationships going forward...

[firstandlast]

You continue to lie to and gaslight your wife, obsess about a skank OW, obsessively compare yourself to her new AP and all your threads are me, me, me.

 

You are exactly in the position you deserve to be in right now. Hopefully your wife will file for divorce and follow through.

 

Thanks for the support!

 

I thought that was the whole point of these threads, to get advice and talk about things I can't say directly to my wife -- vent here so I can focus on my family's needs when I'm with them.

Edited November 20, 2012 by firstandlast

[ComingInHot]

F&L;

You comment on a thread that screams the truth YET you have no comment on a thread that actually begs you to look inward and delve into what (to me) isn't something that you'll like seeing. Hmmmmm, sounds like deflection to me.

[waterwoman]

I don't blame her. She might be rare and wonderful but not it seems as compelling as your ow. I imagine she feels rejected and second-rate. You've done a real number on her.

[Artie Lang]

WHOA! i thought you had told your wife the WHOLE truth.

 

when i blasted you, as LFH would say, i was under the impression you had been completely "truthful" with her, per your previous thread.

 

right now you're just tt'ing her. you're sabotaging your chances every time you do this. this is why i keep telling saying "you just don't get it."

 

i agree with Alice. she's better off without you. she deserves BETTER.

Edited November 20, 2012 by Artie Lang

[SidLyon]

Firstandlast, in my opinion you do really need to be completely honest with your wife if you want to have any chance at all of saving your marriage. This means you need to decide for sure if saving your marriage is what you want, irrespective of whether your MOW comes knocking on your door.

 

I know there are some therapist/counselors who say don't tell the BW of the affair, but my understanding is that this is when the BW genuinely doesn't have a clue that she's been a BW. In your case your wife is obviously well aware, so a policy of not confirming the full details consigns you both to a life of dishonesty, if you stay married.

 

BTW I'm a BW whose WH did come clean after I found an indication that he'd had at least an EA. The details were shocking to me (a many year affair) but to be honest the 48 hours of lying and trickle-truth between the first evidence and full-on d-day, were sheer torture for me.

 

Our d-day was more than 4 years ago and we are now pretty well reconciled. I can't say enough that honesty is the best way, otherwise she will always wonder and you will have potentially more revelations hanging over you...