Author firstandlast Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 Most newbies in an affair think they have discovered true love. So I've discovered. The hard way. In my mind I justified the affair with the idea I was chasing true love. What an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 So I've discovered. The hard way. In my mind I justified the affair with the idea I was chasing true love. What an idiot. Don't feel bad. All of us act like idiots when that so called "true love" strikes. Been there done that. Just look around you. You need to go into 100% NC and the feelings for your wife will come back. You need to make up lost ground with your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstandlast Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 Don't feel bad. All of us act like idiots when that so called "true love" strikes. Been there done that. Just look around you. You need to go into 100% NC and the feelings for your wife will come back. You need to make up lost ground with your wife. Well I've been in NC for a month now. Making up lost ground has been tougher, but I'm working on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Well I've been in NC for a month now. Making up lost ground has been tougher, but I'm working on it. It may take 6-12 months. Eventually the affair partner just becomes a distant memory. However, hermetic anal 100% NC is required to get there. Once the AP is 100% out of your system you will rediscover your wife. Hopefully, it will not be too late. I suggest you come 100% clean and do whatever you need to get through this. It will pay big dividends at the end. Find out what are the emotional needs of your wife and meet those needs every day. It works quite well! BY the way the no. 1 emotional need of people that have affairs is attention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I haven't read every response in this thread, but I'd just like to say that if your desire is to reconcile, then the first step towards that is a complete confession by you about the extent of the affair and your ambivalent feelings that you are experiencing. Right now, you are giving her trickle truth, and that is going to come back to bite you. It's better to get it all out in the open and shows her that you are committed to being honest to her. And then humbly apologize for hurting her and hurting the marriage, admit that you were foolish, weak and stupid, and let her know that you are committed to saving your marriage and want to try to rebuild her trust. Laying it all out there at her feet is the only way to regain trust. Total honesty. Total humility. Total acceptance of responsibility for your actions. Allow her to make the decision to stay with you based on the truth. Trickle truth will destroy her and your attempt at reconciliation. And it will be a wall between you and her. The guilt of knowing she is staying with you under false assumptions will only eat away at your marriage and your emotional connection to her. That is no way to live. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarboniteCammy Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 If this has already been said, please forgive me. One thing I've noticed alot in these threads is that *some* of the APs return to their spouses due to rejection from the OW/OM AND also due to a sense of guilt. Neither of these things is enough to actually rebuilt a marriage. The sense of loss and guilt only go so far. Please do your wife a favor and make sure that you want to return to your marriage for the right reasons. Settling for second best will only cause you heartache in the long run, and frankly your wife deserves to be with someone that will love her best for always and forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Heather1 Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Maybe this is just a good time to review your r w/ your w & what you want out of life?? I have a similar m, we are compatible on every level but sexually I've just never been that attracted. I didn't even think I was a sexual being until OP came along & my body went crazy around him. Your w deserves to be w/ someone who's totally into her. I say that to my h & he wants to remain m'd. As for disclosure, I didn't tell him specifics. There's a line where TMI clears your guilt over it & dumps it on BS. Maybe you 2 need the break on both sides?? Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 If this has already been said, please forgive me. One thing I've noticed alot in these threads is that *some* of the APs return to their spouses due to rejection from the OW/OM AND also due to a sense of guilt. Neither of these things is enough to actually rebuilt a marriage. The sense of loss and guilt only go so far. Please do your wife a favor and make sure that you want to return to your marriage for the right reasons. Settling for second best will only cause you heartache in the long run, and frankly your wife deserves to be with someone that will love her best for always and forever. I agree, but quite often the unfaithful spouse cannot be attracted to the betrayed spouse shortly after the affair ends. The unfaithful spouse will be mourning the end of the affair and will not be able to be truly attracted to the betrayed spouse. However, not every one is the same and there are unfaithful spouses that develop hysterical bonding with the betrayed due to the threat of divorce. Long term love for spouse and short term romantic love for the AP are not truly comparable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 If you don't desire your wife more than the OW just do her a huge favor and divorce her. No one wants to be second best. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 If you don't desire your wife more than the OW just do her a huge favor and divorce her. No one wants to be second best. This is a good point, but not always black and white. If I was the betrayed spouse I would send the unfaithful partner packing. However, I must emphasize that short term romantic love is not the same as long term love. So the desires are quite different. Unless the unfaithful spouse develops hysterical bonding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstandlast Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 If you don't desire your wife more than the OW just do her a huge favor and divorce her. No one wants to be second best. I don't desire her more than the xMW right now, but as others have pointed out here, that's typical in the wake if an affair and not necessarily a permanent state. Comparing the intensity of an affair and the stability of a marriage is not fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I don't desire her more than the xMW right now, but as others have pointed out here, that's typical in the wake if an affair and not necessarily a permanent state. Comparing the intensity of an affair and the stability of a marriage is not fair. This is one point that OWs that have never been married fail to understand. They assume that the marriage of the MM is over because the MM has more desire to have sex with OW than with the wife of 25 years. Hello?????????????? Of course he wants to have sex with strange! Who wouldn't? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstandlast Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 This is a good point, but not always black and white. If I was the betrayed spouse I would send the unfaithful partner packing. However, I must emphasize that short term romantic love is not the same as long term love. So the desires are quite different. Unless the unfaithful spouse develops hysterical bonding. What is hysterical bonding? How do you know when that's happening? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I don't desire her more than the xMW right now, but as others have pointed out here, that's typical in the wake if an affair and not necessarily a permanent state. Comparing the intensity of an affair and the stability of a marriage is not fair. Having an affair is certainly NOT FAIR. I'm not very forgiving so a packing you would go. More than likely you would not learn your lesson until you were gone. At that point you could take your lesson learned to a new relatinship. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 What is hysterical bonding? How do you know when that's happening? Obviously you don't have it. Quite often the betrayed spouse has very high desire to constantly have sex with the unfaithful spouse. Less often the unfaithful spouse has a very high desire to have sex with the betrayed spouse when divorce or separation is coming. It is a hysterical way to recapture the relationship. They remark the territory (more so for the betrayed spouse). The sex can be very intense, but it has no relationship to the success or lack of success of reconciliation. Your wife does not have it, neither you have it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I don't think you fully get. You know in your head your Wife's pain but you don't feel it in your heart because you're still thinking about yourself & the "intensity" of the Affair. It may be that you won't fully understand the pain YOU & your Affair caused your Wife until you go through it from the betrayed side. I certainly wouldn't wish that on anyone but... I kind of well never mind... Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Funnily enough H couldn't wait to jump my bones We were at it like rabbits. He certainly had no problems getting over OW from that side of things. He always said she wasn't as attractive as me. But she stayed in his head for a month or so and i know he missed her. Had to live with that. If you are missing OW *and* you don't fancy your wife much i think you would be better off telling you wife the whole truth with remorse, as gently as possible, then going and staying away for a while until you can get OW out of your head and heart.And then approach your wife with respect and love and hope she lets you back in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I don't desire her more than the xMW right now, but as others have pointed out here, that's typical in the wake if an affair and not necessarily a permanent state. Comparing the intensity of an affair and the stability of a marriage is not fair. What REALLY not fair is that instead of talking THROUGH your problem in your M with your wife - you decided it was a better "solution" to completely betray her. Since you don't feel that you have honor, respect and deep love for the woman you married - it seems your actions have blown the M to smithereens. Tell me, why would ANY wife need to consider rebuilding a M when YOU STILL don't see her as YOUR COMPLETE priority? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts