Finances in Marriage

[rajcs25]

Dear All,

 

I need your help.

 

One Fine day my Wife tells me that this should be the deal we have

 

'Husband will spend all Money'.

'Husband will give all expenses'.

'Husband will also buy her all the stuff and pay her medical Bills everything'.

 

'Wife's Money will be saved, not in a joint account, but her account.

 

I told her, this is unfair. She told me this is how her friends' does it.

I argued, that is ok, if you are not working and staying home,i would still accept it.

She says, 'No she will work and save her money in her account'

 

Guys, Please help me how to resolve this situation.

Its extremely unfair and i know she is misusing me.

 

We have been married for 7 Months now.

 

Thanks

[mammasita]

Why didnt you talk about finances BEFORE getting married.

 

Thats one of the make or break topics in any relationship, even more so in a marriage.

[GorillaTheater]

Why didnt you talk about finances BEFORE getting married.

 

Thats one of the make or break topics in any relationship, even more so in a marriage.

 

This. You're in for a tough time now, because while I agree that your wife is proposing is completely unacceptable and unreasonable, I suspect that it's going to be difficult to resolve.

[Balzac]

State laws regarding income, equity & property vary. Find out what the rule is in your state.

 

iFshe chooses to set the rule, she lives by the rule.

In real life there are ways of dealing w such a mentality, it's all about logical consequences. One vehicle or less pricey lease/mortgage. Lots of options exist for reducing consumption.

 

One income, your's, less an equal sum to savings in your name, she can adjust her lifestyle accordingly. Saving is a lofty goal, both parties can applaud savings.

 

How old is your wife? Does she have a basic education? Is able to maintain employment?

Edited November 20, 2012 by Balzac

[rajcs25]

She has a job and its easy for her to get a job if she looses this one

 

If she does not have a job and stays home, i do not have any problem to spend all the money. Just imagine, what kind of a good husband and a dream husband i can be for lots of women out there..

 

But she wants to work for her career and does not want to contribute anything at home

 

State laws regarding income, equity & property vary. Find out what the rule is in your state.

 

iFshe chooses to set the rule, she lives by the rule.

In real life there are ways of dealing w such a mentality, it's all about logical consequences.

 

One income, your's, less an equal sum to savings in your name, she can adjust her lifestyle accordingly. Saving is a lofty goal, both parties can applaud savings.

 

How old is your wife? Does she have a basic education? Is able to maintain employment?

[Balzac]

Her earnings are equal to your's?

 

You need to understand laws regarding $ and marriage.

 

If you cannot come to terms with her demands, options exist.

Options such as meeting with a lawyer to work out an agreement, within or outside of marriage.

 

I hope you are not contemplating children.

[rajcs25]

Difference between her earnings and my earnings is 'I am earning 40K/Year more than her current earnings.

 

Again, we have not even talked about who can spend how much.

I do certainly logically, legally, ethically etc.

 

But over here it is not about i will spend more, she will spend less

 

She is telling me she will spend 0, Her balance will be saved in her personal account and i will spend all the money

 

Its not hard to go to a lawyer, but what does that mean?

 

What are my options to tell her in the right way, that this is not legal, not ethical etc. etc..

 

Her earnings are equal to your's?

 

You need to understand laws regarding $ and marriage.

 

If you cannot come to terms with her demands, options exist.

Options such as meeting with a lawyer to work out an agreement, within or outside of marriage.

 

I hope you are not contemplating children.

[rajcs25]

I am in State of New Jersey

Difference between her earnings and my earnings is 'I am earning 40K/Year more than her current earnings.

 

Again, we have not even talked about who can spend how much.

I do certainly logically, legally, ethically etc.

 

But over here it is not about i will spend more, she will spend less

 

She is telling me she will spend 0, Her balance will be saved in her personal account and i will spend all the money

 

Its not hard to go to a lawyer, but what does that mean?

 

What are my options to tell her in the right way, that this is not legal, not ethical etc. etc..

[JamesM]

Tell her it is not acceptable. Period.

 

Get into marriage counseling or this will be a you against her.

 

Marriage is about "us" and not "I."

 

If she wants her own money, then she needs to pay half of the bills and her own credit card bills.

 

NILIF.

 

Nothing In Life IS Free.

 

Of course if it is your house and you pay all of the bills, then you can charge her rent.

 

If this is not resolved, then you will have a short term marriage. I am curious what her reasons are for keeping money from you.

[Balzac]

During a consultation with a lawyer he will explain that NJ follows equitable distribution. He will explain how to work out a compromise w your wife.

He can spell out to you the consequences of staying married under her financial demands.

 

You need to acquire knowledge through reading state statutes on your own, then meeting w a lawyer.

 

Your questions indicate that you lack basic knowledge and understanding about the marital financial contract. You're not alone. I cannot see how you can plan a future financial plan absent solid understanding.

 

Gathering the necessary knowledge is not difficult.

[pink_sugar]

Wow, if you cannot see a marriage counselor, I would seek divorce. I don't see how anyone could be okay with that situation, it's very unfair. The issue I have is my husband not being able to manage his money and hence possibly being homeless. I agree that it's a deal-breaker.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just out of curiosity, what do you think she plans on doing with her "savings" ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[rajcs25]

I understand what you are saying.

But i am facing this real time

How do i handle it?

 

Well we do not have any major problems in our relationships. Yes we have quarrels, but i believe pretty normal as every couple has and it is not often

 

She has stupid problems, Its just that she is bored. Me too. If both of us are given choice today and put back us in the time when we said yes to marry each other, of course we will not do that, But i think millions go through same feeling

 

That does not mean that one tells their spouse that i am going to enjoy life on your money...

 

She has even uttered words like 'I will get remarried until i find the right person'.

 

I dont want a divorce.

 

I am trying to find way to get basic things into her brain about relationships.

 

I can write several posts about other differences we may be having, but in other things i am being patient, but in this issue, even i am shocked like what the heck is this????????

 

 

I would be dumbfounded as OP's wife's suggestion. Absolutely speechless and stupefied.....Then I would laugh my ars off at her.

 

"Cause my friend does it," is a horrible a child-like answer. We all tried to use it up until the age of 13 when we got sick of hearing about our friends and the things they do on bridges.

[JamesM]

She has even uttered words like 'I will get remarried until i find the right person'.

 

I dont want a divorce.

 

I am trying to find way to get basic things into her brain about relationships.

 

I can write several posts about other differences we may be having, but in other things i am being patient, but in this issue, even i am shocked like what the heck is this????????

 

It sounds like she has a poor understanding about what marriage is. She also is a control freak. She also is dominating you and not respecting you as a person...let alone as her husband.

 

If you cannot assert yourself in this marriage and define what the finances will be, then this marriage is doomed...and I do not say that lightly.

 

I strongly suggest marriage counseling. My guess is that you will need to tell her rather than ask her, and my guess is that she will put up a fight.

 

If she thinks that she can live off your wages and spend her money on herself, then she needs to be put in her place...perhaps gently, by a professional counselor.

[rajcs25]

What if she refuses for couseling?

It sounds like she has a poor understanding about what marriage is. She also is a control freak. She also is dominating you and not respecting you as a person...let alone as her husband.

 

If you cannot assert yourself in this marriage and define what the finances will be, then this marriage is doomed...and I do not say that lightly.

 

I strongly suggest marriage counseling. My guess is that you will need to tell her rather than ask her, and my guess is that she will put up a fight.

 

If she thinks that she can live off your wages and spend her money on herself, then she needs to be put in her place...perhaps gently, by a professional counselor.

[JamesM]

What if she refuses for couseling?

 

She probably will as she doesn't see a problem.

 

So you need to be prepared on how to answer a no. You know her....what types of persuasion would work with her?

 

Ultimatums? Rewards? Punishments?

 

You can either tell her that if there is no MC, then you see no future for this marriage and are considering a separation, or you can persuade her that this will be in her best interest because (fill in the blank).

 

You will need to explain how this will be a problem for "us" and not just your problem.

 

What would work for my wife would probably not work for yours.

 

BTW, do YOU think she respects you and your opinion? Have you felt like she runs all over you even back when you dated? Has it been that her decision or opinion is what ultimately ends up being what gets done? Be honest because you may have asserted yourself more or less than you can remember.

[BetheButterfly]

 

Marriage is about "us" and not "I."

 

This is so true!!! Marriage is a TEAM. Both people should be making decisions, TOGETHER.

 

OP,

 

I think it would be good to ask her why, and then ask her if she wants for y'all to be a team, or for y'all to live 2 separate lives, where y'all divide up the expenses for everything. To me, that's sad if she chooses to merely be roommates.

[BetheButterfly]

What if she refuses for couseling?

 

If she refuses, divide up the living expenses. If she doesn't like that idea, tell her it's either this or counseling.

 

Don't buy her anything, not till she sees she's being a baby about this. Buy your food and let her be responsible for buying her food. Take off her name on any of your debit or credit cards, as well as your checks.

[BetheButterfly]

doesn't matter if you don't want a divorce, this hussy is planning, fiscally even, on divorcing you.. and not getting remarried until she finds the RIGHT ONE. holy poop you are not reading the writing on the wall, or listening to the words coming out of her mouth. I feel for you. Doesn't it hurt when she says stuff like that?! How do you keep from poisoning her, or drawing a nice hot bath for her and then throwing the hairdryer in it?!?

 

He's not a killer.

if you want to at least protect yourself...

 

man up, nut up, whatever the saying... marriage is 50/50, ,

True.

 

with you leftovers(i would anyways) start an IRA for her and add to in as much as you would for yourself.. I think that would be a very noble thing to do. I certainly wouldn't even share an account with this broad.

OP, yeah I agree with not sharing an account with her. She sounds to me like a golddigger. I'm not fond of the golddigger mentality, and I don't think you are either. I agree that she's planning on divorcing you eventually. You need to protect your money, cause she's after it.

 

Why did she marry you? Is she impressed with your job? I think she wants to be a trophy wife... a golddigger.

 

it's over, you need to accept that.. she has, and is preparing, and you're falling for it. you're going to get so f*cked at of this you won't even be the same and I'll completely understand if you changed your sexuality.

OP,

 

I think she is preparing to divorce you too. I also think she doesn't truly love you. Love doesn't demand to have one's cake and eat it too, which is essentially what she wants with your money. She wants you to support her AND for her to have her own money to do with whatever she wants. To me, that does show she's planning on using you as a meal ticket till she's ready to embark on her own. I don't know her, but that's what she sounds like to me. I would seriously consider counseling. Don't be a weakling and do nothing. Get counseling and make sure she's not a golddigger who only married you for your money. Protect your money and get out if she truly doesn't love you and is committed to being a team.

[rajcs25]

Roommates share 50% of expenses

In her case she has gone nuts

 

May be she is just looking for reason for me to tell her that i want divorce so that she can demand some money. who knows???

 

This is so true!!! Marriage is a TEAM. Both people should be making decisions, TOGETHER.

 

OP,

 

I think it would be good to ask her why, and then ask her if she wants for y'all to be a team, or for y'all to live 2 separate lives, where y'all divide up the expenses for everything. To me, that's sad if she chooses to merely be roommates.

[rajcs25]

We just have one bank account together which does not have a huge amount in it.

 

Nothing else has her name, not even my appartment lease.

We have seperate cars too and seperate insurance too

 

I am paying rent, grocery, utilities, gas, travel, entertainment, gifts for people every single expense..

If she refuses, divide up the living expenses. If she doesn't like that idea, tell her it's either this or counseling.

 

Don't buy her anything, not till she sees she's being a baby about this. Buy your food and let her be responsible for buying her food. Take off her name on any of your debit or credit cards, as well as your checks.

[rajcs25]

You said 'She does not Love Me'

 

I have no doubt about that.. This is just one issue i am posting as i need insight on how to resolve it

But there are several other issues which exist.

 

We both were divorced earlier. My Ex did not demand any money. She just was not comfortable living in the Untied States so she went back to her country.

 

Whereas my current wife had demanded and received some money from her ex when her previous marriage ended, so this data should help you make some more analysis

 

If she says no for counseling than what is the solution here?

 

doesn't matter if you don't want a divorce, this hussy is planning, fiscally even, on divorcing you.. and not getting remarried until she finds the RIGHT ONE. holy poop you are not reading the writing on the wall, or listening to the words coming out of her mouth. I feel for you. Doesn't it hurt when she says stuff like that?! How do you keep from poisoning her, or drawing a nice hot bath for her and then throwing the hairdryer in it?!?

 

if you want to at least protect yourself...

 

man up, nut up, whatever the saying... marriage is 50/50, with you leftovers, (i would anyways) start an IRA for her and add to in as much as you would for yourself.. I think that would be a very noble thing to do. I certainly wouldn't even share an account with this broad.

 

it's over, you need to accept that.. she has, and is preparing, and you're falling for it. you're going to get so f*cked at of this you won't even be the same and I'll completely understand if you changed your sexuality.

[BetheButterfly]

We just have one bank account together which does not have a huge amount in it.

 

Nothing else has her name, not even my appartment lease.

We have seperate cars too and seperate insurance too

 

I am paying rent, grocery, utilities, gas, travel, entertainment, gifts for people every single expense..

 

 

My advice is to go to the bank today and if you can, take her name off of your account.

 

Don't pay anymore for her gas or anything till she goes to counseling with you. Demand half of the rent and utility money. She's going to be mad as hell, and if her Dad is alive, he is going to get involved. Be strong. Get legal help. You have a hard battle ahead of you but don't back down. Make sure to stay in the public eye and take care. Surround yourself with your friends and family. She's going to hate your guts, I think. Hopefully I'm wrong and she will do whatever she can to save the marriage. Your marriage is already dying but it's going to be her call whether she decides to save it (and prove me wrong) or whether she's going to show her "true colors."

 

If she goes to counseling and strives to show you that she really cares for you enough to use her money to help take care of you, than I think your marriage can be saved. If not, it's over.

 

By the way, is she the same girl as the one of this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/312980-girls-father-asking-documents ?

 

I really hope y'all don't have kids...

 

She is going to try to get alimony out of you, I think. Personally, I don't understand why people need alimony if they can work. ? She obviously can work.

Edited November 21, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[boaaaar]

All I can say is that I hope the judge won't rape your wallet too hard. Good luck.

[rajcs25]

Thanks for your response

 

She is not the same girl

 

With advice from folks in this forum, i did not get married to the girl whose father was asking for documents

 

In this girl's case, her father and brother are putting all the evil influences.

 

There are many things that happened, but i just posted this major issue to get help to save myself

My advice is to go to the bank today and if you can, take her name off of your account.

 

Don't pay anymore for her gas or anything till she goes to counseling with you. Demand half of the rent and utility money. She's going to be mad as hell, and if her Dad is alive, he is going to get involved. Be strong. Get legal help. You have a hard battle ahead of you but don't back down. Make sure to stay in the public eye and take care. Surround yourself with your friends and family. She's going to hate your guts, I think. Hopefully I'm wrong and she will do whatever she can to save the marriage. Your marriage is already dying but it's going to be her call whether she decides to save it (and prove me wrong) or whether she's going to show her "true colors."

 

If she goes to counseling and strives to show you that she really cares for you enough to use her money to help take care of you, than I think your marriage can be saved. If not, it's over.

 

By the way, is she the same girl as the one of this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/312980-girls-father-asking-documents ?

 

I really hope y'all don't have kids...

 

She is going to try to get alimony out of you, I think. Personally, I don't understand why people need alimony if they can work. ? She obviously can work.