Maybe it's just the insecurity in me...

[AngrySpider]

This past June,I found love with someone.However,I'm in Canada and she's in the UK.I wasn't looking for love and I was getting sick of relationships because I got cheated on and lied to a lot.

 

This is my first long-distance relationship.I seem to have a better chemistry and connection with this girl (even though there is a big gap in age) than I've had in any local relationship that I've been in.Things moved very fast with us in the beginning.We spoke a lot on Facebook and I had begun feeling more secure about things because we was always talking.

 

In August,she had broken things up with me because she didn't think that she could make the move here in order for us to be together.I was devastated.Eventually,she said that she was confused.Though she wasn't sure if she could leave her family (understandable),she loved me very much.So,we proceeded to speak as friends and then she told me that she loved me again only days after "ending" things.

 

So,throughout September and the first week of October,we continued chatting on Facebook and then,apparently,her account had been hacked and deleted.She had just gotten a full-time job and I wasn't hearing a whole lot from her.(We was e-mailing one another sporadically).She asked if I had MSN.I installed it and we began chatting again.

 

I get very insecure when someone stops talking as often to me as they once was.She says that I can trust her and that she has no desire to be with anyone else.Apparently,she's been in a lot of relationships and was cheated on in every single one of them.It seems as though we have the same fears about the other finding someone else or losing the relationship which we both seem to see as being too special to lose.She seems to be very honest (and she's been blunt at times with me).But I don't know if I can completely trust her and sometimes I do wonder if she's fooling around.

 

Now,to her credit,she said that some guy who was staying with her-a very close friend who is almost like family to where she refers to him as her "cousin"-had tried to kiss her.She said that I had the right to know.I didn't blow up or anything like that.I thanked her for telling me and told her that,if I did blow up about it,it would make her more hesitant to be open with me like that.I'm trying to create a very relaxed and very loving relationship with her.

 

But those insecurities keep eating away at me...

 

Some days,we don't talk.It's not on my end.I'd talk to her all the time if I could.She's been working a lot.But some nights,I won't hear from her.When she does have days off,sometimes she's offline for most of the day.It sucks because I miss her a lot and I'm so afraid that she might be involved with someone else.I just feel so tempted to ask her "what or who is keeping you away from talking to me?" I've voiced my insecurities to her before (as she has done with me) but I don't want to drive her nuts by repeatedly bringing up the same things.

 

Recently,in an effort to try and prove to her that I'm real and that I'm in this for the long-haul,I picked up a teddy bear and put a deposit on a heart-shaped locket.It just felt like the right thing to do.Yet,I'm scared that it might be something that I'm going to regret.

 

I seriously want a future with this girl because this relationship has been so different than the rest.Guess I've been messed around on enough where I figure that every female is like that.

[SeparateUniverse]

well,my two cents here

 

I have the same problems here(first ldr too)

Sometimes a small thing like my bf liking a love song can get me a bit insecure.I mean,it's been long since i got something like that from him,and if he seems distant those times it really makes me doubt in the whole thing.

It's hard being apart,and insecurities and distrust are both a must and a no-no in an ldr (by must i mean that they are inevitable)but sometimes you just have to relax and leave the wheel alone.

The best thing you can do is focus on yourself to diminish your insecurity.

 

Voicing insecurities is fine sometimes,it's a sign that you both are still interested in the relationship...if you have a problem,you get it out on the open.BUT, being always anxious and at the edge is not,it will drive you insane.Also you will drive your partner insane,believe me,i know

 

Keep making it positive,if you're happy,you're going to be more relaxed and fun,and by seeing you happy,your girlfriend will probably feel a lot better too.

 

Basically you can never know in an ldr if someone's fooling around,and if they are,they are going to do it regardless of you.But i think you should trust your gf.If she openly told you that another guy tried to kiss her,and doesn't want to have anything to hide from you,that's a good sign.

 

Since i see you're really worried all i can say is:Next time you hear from her,have a heart to heart conversation,don't push the conversation too far,but keep an eye to how she acts.

[umirano]

As for her not talking to you / not getting on when she could: Just ask her. If she has a good reason to not come on, it will be very easy for her to tell you, and you will probably be able to assess how credible she is.

 

Look, it's very simple. You can't drive by her house and find out what's going on. All you have is communication. So communicate and ask her.

[AngrySpider]

@umirano

 

You're right.It's not like I can drive by her house.Even if I lived in the same city,I don't drive.(If anything,it would be more of a casual stroll by her house on foot..lol).But I think that driving by her house repeatedly would be a form of stalking/harrassment,which is the ultimate-not to mention the most creepy and illegal-show of mistrust.

 

I've been thinking about asking her but I'm really trying to weigh out the options.I could approach this directly and ask her point-blank what's going on.I do have the right to know and it would make the statement that I have enough interest in the relationship to show concern as well as to get the point across that she's not exactly single and that there is another party in this relationship to think about.I know that she works a lot of hours and that she may be busy doing things that she might not be able to do until she has a day off.Plus,with the holidays coming up,everyone's schedule just gets sort of hectic around this time of year.I'm trying to take that into consideration.

 

I could also give this situation some time to see if it'll improve on its own.I'm not ruling out the possibility that it will improve.If it doesn't,I'll have that time to figure out how to ask her in a way that may not sound so accusative or interrogative that it might otherwise sound like if I ask in the heat of the moment.

 

But I do agree with you that it should be easy for her to answer such questions if I ask her.Than I can have that chance,as you said,to assess if what she's saying is credible.

 

(Sigh) Decisions,decisions...

[AngrySpider]

@SeparateUniverse

 

You pitching in your two cents on this is muchly appreciated.

 

You're right.Her being forthcoming about the guy who tried to kiss her is a good sign.I also drew encouragement from her saying that I had "the right to know." It did help with some of the trust and insecurity issues that I deal with and I'm sure that it wasn't easy for her to tell me about it.But I do have to wonder in times like these where the contact is very sporadic (haven't heard from her at all today) whether there's some other things that she's juggling aside from work and other legitimate things that's keeping her busy.Clearly,she gave me enough consideration and courtesy to be forthcoming about the attempted kissing incident.But I do question how far that consideration,courtesy,and my "right to know" really goes and whether she picks her spots,so to speak,with all three.It's not that I want to believe that my girlfriend is someone who is untrustworthy and promiscuous.Just based on the vibe that I've gotten from her via months of conversation online,she's got a very sexual side to her but she seems to value love over sex.But I know that I could be wrong in my read of her and that,even though I don't doubt that she has feelings for me,she may be getting that attention that I can't provide her with right now from someone else. (But,then again,I'm a very sexual person myself and I haven't strayed,so maybe she hasn't either.I'm so dang confused!!)

 

It's not like I'm asking for much.I'm trying to adjust to the change in communication that comes hand-in-hand with her getting a job.And while that responsibility rests squarely on my shoulders,I'd like to see a reasonable effort on her part to communicate more often.I want to feel that she's definitely interested in maintaining this relationship.While she appears to at times when we do talk and there is still a loving tone to some of the conversations,I'd like to see the effort in communication match that level of interest.If she does see me as her significant other,I don't think that wanting her to keep me 'in the loop' to be a punishable offence.I have even told her that if she's really busy with work,just send me an offline message or an e-mail saying whatever-whether it's a message telling me that she loves me or telling me how her day went...anything.That will show me that the interest is still very much there.As you said,it's hard being apart.But it makes my days so much brighter when she and I talk and even more so on those occasions when I can see her beautiful face on video chat.

 

I know that trust is needed in any relationship-especially in that which involves a lot of mileage between the two people in such relationship.(Although,from experience,it doesn't seem to matter whether someone lives an ocean away from you,in your own city,or under the same roof..there really is no way of knowing that someone is fooling around if they're skilled at covering their own back.) And it sucks that we're in this catch-22 situation whereby insecurities are inevitable but a "no-no" in this type of relationship.It'd be nice if you can exert some sort of influence on a person's heart and mind in a relationship in order to get a loving and faithful partner out of the deal.But exerting such influence would basically mean infringing upon their rights and freedoms as a human being.But I do agree with you on some of the points you had made.

 

All I can do is try to keep it positive and to be relaxed as much as possible.(Doesn't help that I do deal with anxiety issues).I do try to enjoy the connection and the chemistry that undoubtedly is present between us.I love this girl enough to want a future with her.But just about any question that starts with "what if...?" has more than likely been posed at some time or another in my mind.If I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is the "one" and that it's only a matter of time before my luck in love changes with her,it'd be SOOOOO much easier to get through this.But it is nice to know,from what you've stated about how you feel,that I'm not alone in feeling the way that I do.

 

I hope things are going good with you and your boyfriend.

[Maya_Dawn]

I can totally relate to what you're going through. Right this moment there are about a dozen thoughts floating through my head, all of which are fuelled by my insecurities.

 

Just like your gf, my bf has been working alot for the past couple of months. He's so busy to the point that some days, he doesn't have time to talk to me. In the past, when we first started out, we would talk EVERYDAY. He would tell me repeatedly how much he misses me, and would often call for no other reason that to tell me he misses me. He never seemed too busy to talk to me, or make time to spend with me. These days, for the most part, all I get is "Sorry, can't make it. I've got to work". This kills me, because I keep comparing it to the old days, when he was never too busy for me. He always found time to accommodate me in his life.

 

I've brought this issue up repeatedly. I've told him my needs, but nothing seems to change. Or perhaps I've gone so far into my own world of insecurity, nothing he does will quell the insecurity eating at me.

 

Just like you, I get insecure and get very paranoid when he does not maintain the same level of affection and attention as he did previously, and from there its just a short leap for me to thoughts of maybe he's cheating on me. The late nights he stays in the office, sometimes with female colleagues around, only makes things words.

 

I know nothing good comes from this. I know where this is heading, but God help me, each time I summon the strength to try to get out from this loop of insecure thoughts, something happens to drag me back in, e.g. him saying sorry I can't make it for dinner, or sorry I don't have time to see you.

 

I raised the issue of breaking up before. But he said he does not want to breakup, and pathetic ole me laps up those words, and goes back to him. I even tried NC, but that didn't work before.

 

I'm confused, insecure and hating myself every step of the way.