Does your W Scream or yell at you?

[bpdr]

I'd have to say - my W exhibited a number of these symptoms (Albeit a clinical Diagnosis was never achieved) ....and even so given these problematic episodes, I continued to fight for my marriage. In the end, I could NOT take it anymore. I gave up -- and left for good.

 

She now stands upon a mountain and echoes; "He Abandoned Me!"

 

My point here -- is what does LS posters truly think about this sort of stuff?!

 

Does your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?

If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.

Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?

1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.

2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.

3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.

4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.

5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.

Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.

Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bull****, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.

Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.

7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.

Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.

10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.

Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.

You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.

Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.

 

Long read - I know. Just your thoughts on this. Thanks!

[M30USA]

When two people get divorced, both people are going to present their case to their own family in a way which makes them seem like they're "in the right". This is the way it goes. The problem with this is that one (or both) of them are usually wrong.

[mid-divorce]

In my case, i showed signs of emotional abuse towards her - never knowly - when she left i got help ad put everything right to make the marriage work, my ex on the other hand basical said it was to late, but then the roles reversed, she started to emotional abuse as she had the power as i wanted her back.

 

Im at a point where i can see the whole picture and think with counselling n talking we could put right - but she is at the point that i was when i forced her away. She even sees this to some degree and when i try to talk to her about it, she says i made her that way.

 

Its all so screwed up. Im now left with no other way to go than to leave her completely alone.

[cocorico]

I'd have to say - my W exhibited a number of these symptoms (Albeit a clinical Diagnosis was never achieved) ....and even so given these problematic episodes, I continued to fight for my marriage. In the end, I could NOT take it anymore. I gave up -- and left for good.

 

She now stands upon a mountain and echoes; "He Abandoned Me!"

 

My point here -- is what does LS posters truly think about this sort of stuff?!

 

Does your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?

If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.

Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?

1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.

2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.

3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.

4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.

5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.

Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.

Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bull****, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.

Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.

7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.

Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.

10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.

Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.

You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.

Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.

 

Long read - I know. Just your thoughts on this. Thanks!

 

 

This describes my H's xW to a T! Everyone who knows her describes her this way, and what I've witnessed of her behaviour supports this completely. No one should have to live with this level of a use and dysfunction. Count your blessings you got out when you did.

[mid-divorce]

In my case, i showed signs of emotional abuse towards her - never knowly - when she left i got help ad put everything right to make the marriage work, my ex on the other hand basical said it was to late, but then the roles reversed, she started to emotional abuse as she had the power as i wanted her back.

 

Im at a point where i can see the whole picture and think with counselling n talking we could put right - but she is at the point that i was when i forced her away. She even sees this to some degree and when i try to talk to her about it, she says i made her that way.

 

Its all so screwed up. Im now left with no other way to go than to leave her completely alone.

 

Any thoughts? Im struggling to know if i forced this divorce or she simply gave up to easy??

[Feelin Frisky]

I watched something today on TED that confirmed something I've always believed but never heard conformed today. It's that the issue is when anger becomes contempt. The woman giving the speech was talking about how to spot deceit but she just crossed over into saying that once contempt begins between people it's all but impossible to recover from. I grew up seeing my mom show my dad contempt and I swore I would never accept it from anyone. I have two married brothers who both put up with some and they complain to me about their relationships while at least I do not have to fight with anyone. I hate to be angry much less be in contempt of someone. You will have to judge if this person has concluded that they are superior to you and that your very existence seems to give them taken license to yell or snap at you--(to say nothing of doing it in front of others).

[bpdr]

Any thoughts? Im struggling to know if i forced this divorce or she simply gave up to easy??

 

I'm of the belief that there is always a "Tipping Point" -- where the D is inevitable because the damage is so vast - too great and the situation becomes unrecoverable. Such was and is with my M.

 

I suppose to answer your own question - digging deeper into your thought process and recalling certain events that you were perpetrating emotional abuse that triggered negative reactions from her, DO YOU THINK back now things could have been done any differently?

 

Probably not. I say this to you - only because in my case my W was leaving me with no other option but to bail for fear of police involvement or worse yet physical violent confrontation. That's how heated our arguments became. One MC in particular - was very keen to point out in one of our sessions to my W ...

 

"Do you understand that your MISTREATMENT of your husband, is causing him to abandon you, thus creating the cycle of your biggest complaint of abandonment?"

 

My W promptly stood up, turned to me and said; "Okay, we're done here"

Then proceeded to tell me once we got out of the office what a "Bitch" the MC was!! And that we no longer would be needing her guidance counseling!

 

I was flabbergasted by this. Because it was so painfully obvious that the counselor had touched on the very root of our conflict, and my W was looking to be validated in some weird way - THAT I WAS THE PROBLEM!

 

To be honest, my W had a real propensity to violence. She would rip up pictures, throw my clothes out into the front yard, broke TWO of my smartphones and ONE laptop - and even scratched my face to the point where I had to physically grab her arms and force her to the ground to disarm her. That's why I left. And I would do it again, and again and yet again - every time she started up this abusive cycle. Thus, the M was over - and I knew it. How long could this continue? I mean -at what point do you just throw up your arms and say; "Enough! Already" I'm DONE!

 

For you Mid - I would just say that no matter what you did to her in the past, at some point it no longer really mattered because the damage was already done. You can't take back something terrible - which is precisely why you have to think these things through before you act. Looking back on it - sure I could have stayed rather than bail...but to what end? Things would spiral out of control and get really heated. Hateful things would be said, her actions were agregious to the point of volatility. I left every time it started. Sometimes for days and even one time for two months. But at some point Mid - you have to ask yourself what you might have been able to do differently and then just take that lesson to heart for your future.

 

I hated to leave. But, really - how much can someone take? It was all so unnecessary - and I don't think my W ever really understood why she was unable to contain her anger. She really needs help. I'm pretty certain she is a classic borderline personality disordered individual that is no longer my problem. Any of our mutual friends concerned will attest to the fact that the problem wasn't me - it was her. SHE CAUSED HER OWN PROBLEM, and was oblivious to that fact.

 

Good luck to you Mid Divorce. Hopefully you can do some soul searching for the answers to your own question. In my case - it simply doesn't matter anymore.

 

bp

[M30USA]

Thank you for that insightful post, bpdr.

[robaday]

My ex turned this way the latter year and a half. I found her insecurity cute at the beginning, but was always a little weirded out by how extreme her moods could be.

 

But, the uncontrallable jealousy was extreme. If I took her to a really expensive restaurant, first thing shed ask was - did you bring a girl here? how do you know this place? If I didnt answer my phone at 2am, shed assume I was cheating (we lived seperately).

 

Guess what really rammed it home, was just the complete lack of self awareness......Id say, I need you to trust me (after another two weeks of accusations) and shed say but I do trust you.

 

Guess what really brought it home was right at the end. Shed ignored 2 phone calls from me for two weeks, and told me she was confused and having doubts (we hadnt seen each other for three)- I said - well I wont stand in your way. This prompted a barrage of abuse the like of which Ive never heard before. It led to her screaming "your just scared of being hurt", and she then proceeded to tell me to never contact her again.

 

Hell I was just trying to be a good guy;)

[M30USA]

Man, the human race is pretty screwed up. I can't wait for Jesus to make all things new.

[bpdr]

My ex turned this way the latter year and a half. I found her insecurity cute at the beginning, but was always a little weirded out by how extreme her moods could be.

 

But, the uncontrallable jealousy was extreme. If I took her to a really expensive restaurant, first thing she'd ask was - did you bring a girl here? how do you know this place? If I didnt answer my phone at 2am, shed assume I was cheating (we lived seperately).

 

Guess what really rammed it home, was just the complete lack of self awareness......Id say, I need you to trust me (after another two weeks of accusations) and shed say but I do trust you.

 

Sound familiar? This was for all intents and purpose my case exactly. Everything in "Bold" was in fact verbatim -- the VERY things that would cause bitter upheaval! ...Yet somehow I never quite made heads or tails of it. It was super odd behavior.

 

Because deep down inside -- I felt as if the very most completely HONEST and FORGIVING man I could be -- (And I was to her on many, many levels) and would forgive the "Acting Out" as being somewhat "Heat of the moment" type stuff -- but it genuinely was really so much more than that!

 

At first, you want to believe it to be "Immature Behavior" or at the very least irrational. The fact of the matter is; "IT IS CHILD-LIKE" behavior because these personality disordered individuals simply revert to built in child like defense mechanisms they learned very early on in life. So, that said you are essentially dealing with an immature psychological response.

 

The ability to project indiscretions upon their mate or SO is significant here because, the child like response usually resulted in combative conflict virtually everytime it is played out with an instinctive primal response. Very child like indeed.

 

I recall the holidays in this instance; Last Christmas we had invited relatives to our home for Christmas dinner. My W and I spent a great deal of time preparing our home for this event. Went shopping for a nice ham and turkey and many additional party favors. She agreed, that an "Early Rise" Christmas day was the plan to get things started, and we did! At LEAST I did! Guests were already on there way! and she awoke around 11am (Her usual daily routine) only to be bitter that I hadn't stirred her SOON enough to ready the day...(Which was true -- as she was a real pill if I awoke her for anything) So hence, the fireworks got off to a real grand start!

 

My W labored in the kitchen for several hours to prepare the Ham, Turkey, Scalloped Potato's, and so on....all the meanwhile guests are arriving with supper still hours away!

 

But, because she blamed me for the late start -- it got better! First, she wanted me to STAY out of the kitchen! And, then if I wandered out into the living room to engage in menial conversation with relatives -- was met with; "DO YOU NOT WISH TO HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN" Blaring loudly in front of the guests...I can only look back now in despair over this!! It was embarrassing at the minimum - humiliating at large!

 

Finally, the acting out caught up to everyone involved here -- she proceeded to take the ham, the turkey and ALL of the fixings -- and gathered them up and walked out to the garbage can - and proceeded to throw everything in the garbage cans in front of all of the guests!! AMAZING! (Needless to say -- she managed to yank the ham and proceeded to feed our Dog) and...hence! nobody present ever had the chance to eat a Christmas Supper together. This was absolute MADNESS, of which was to be played out on stage for Family, Friends and Many others to see on a regular basis throughout the duration of our M.

 

That is, until I ended it. I could not take anymore -- and I was finished with her and her antics forever beyond it. It's very sad, that these women cannot even see what damage they are doing - when they are doing it.

 

Actually, it's sick. And that's what they are. Sick people that need help. Pure, plain and simple. Sorry, for the long rant -- but, I had to get that off off my chest this holiday season. The memory is still too fresh.

 

I get what you are saying robaday....perhaps I do, MORE than you might know.

 

All the best,

BP

Edited December 4, 2012 by bpdr

[M30USA]

Bpdr, that was a therapeutic read for me.

[Radu]

 

Actually, it's sick. And that's what they are. Sick people that need help. Pure, plain and simple. Sorry, for the long rant -- but, I had to get that off off my chest this holiday season. The memory is still too fresh.

 

I get what you are saying robaday....perhaps I do, MORE than you might know.

 

All the best,

BP

 

If they were sick, they would be dedicated to fixing themselves.

In reality, only about 5% of those that undergo therapy show improvement.

 

I don't think they are sick ppl, because sickness can be cured.

I think these ppl are diseased ... and with this disease you have to act just like they did with the Black Plague, purge with fire [to imply ... remove them from your life and forget them].

[Matt1980]

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 6 years and for the last 4 of them she has been exhibiting a lot of the behaviours mentioned in this thread. The problem is that as I've only had a couple of serious gfs, I don't know whether her behaviour is normal or whether I really am as bad as she tells me I am and that all women would act the same?

 

Basically, she talks to me like dirt all the time and always puts me down and patronises me. I try really hard to live by her house rules, but it never seems to be enough.

 

Also, if I ever try and enforce a rule (e.g. not leaving shoes in the middle of the floor to be tripped over) she ignores it and if pushed gets really angry about it and just starts saying that she cooks more often and does more cleaning etc so can more or less do as she pleases.

 

If she is in a bad mood she screams and swears at me and insults my physique (calls me 'skinny boy' and also mentions my race (I am white and she is asian). I then get offended and we end up in a row. I sometimes literally beg her to stop being abusive but it is always turned around and I am the bad guy.

 

If I ever criticise her she always takes it very badly. She immediately turns it on me and gets annoyed that I am annoyed. This then makes me more frustrated and she basically shouts me down.

 

A few times she has grabbed knives and threatened me with them and she also says she will get members of her family to beat me up etc.

 

Last night she drove me to my work Christmas party and she shouted at me all of the way there and dropped me off telling me I looked awful and my clothes were not matching and I looked stupid.

 

Today, I was upset about that and tried to tell her that I don't like her talking to me that way and she got angry with me and started blaming me saying I am irritating, don't do things by myself, that I have low self esteem etc.

 

I just don't know who is right, whether this is fairly normal behaviour for women that are not happy with things and what I can do?

 

I live with her and think I might need to move out but am struggling for the confidence to actually do it.

 

Anyway, not really sure why I'm writing this but it has helped to get my thoughts out...

[Radu]

No, this is not normal.

 

First of all, is she high functioning or low functioning ?

That means, can she hide these outbursts from others in public, or not ?

 

It would be wise of you to record these outbursts [with a VAR], or confirmation of the knife threats and set a date when you are gone completely [obviously do not inform her], or if it's your house ... when she is kicked out [talk to lawyer for this one].

On that day, you simply leave, with everything ... hell, even call police if necesary, or your lawyer.

 

This is deffinitely abnormal, and this is quite a lot of abuse.

 

Read the threads here and if the user who posts is female, keep reading, take note of the advice she is given, and use it.

There is a site that deals with this kind of stuff as well, google 'shrink 4 men', and keep reading there.

 

I repeat though, do not tell her you are reading on this.

Abusers are control freaks, they like to separate you from your support system, and to enforce their warped views on you [the fact that you are even wondering if this is normal is proof].

Most likely you will also need counseling after 4yrs of this.

There will be no negotiation with her, she will most likely not see a therapist.

[M30USA]

Radu, all sad but true.

[Downtown]

Matt, I agree with Radu that the behaviors you describe -- the temper tantrums, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, threats, blame-shifting, always being "The Victim," and black-white thinking -- are very abnormal. Those dysfunctional behaviors are some of the red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), for NPD (Narcissistic PD), and to a lesser degree for AsPD (Antisocial PD).

 

So you could be describing traits for any -- or a combo -- of those three. The primary differences between BPD traits and those of NPD and AsPD is that, whereas BPDers (those having strong traits) are UNSTABLE and CAPABLE OF LOVING YOU, narcissists and sociopaths are stable and incapable of loving.

 

If your GF is emotionally unstable, it would be most evident in a cycle of pushing-you-away (by creating arguments over nothing) and pulling-you-back (by being very caring and loving). When a woman has strong BPD traits, she therefore will flip back and forth between loving you and devaluing (sometimes even hating) you. That flip, which can occur in just a few seconds, is typically triggered by some minor thing you say or do (real or imagined).

 

If your GF has strong traits of one of those three disorders, she almost certainly is high functioning or you likely would not be dating her for 6 years. As Radu explained, "high functioning" means that she usually gets along just fine with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. None of those folks pose a threat to her fears and insecurities. Heaven help them, however, if they make the mistake of trying to move closer to become a close friend.

 

Of course, only a professional can determine whether your GF's traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD, NPD, or AsPD. Moreover, none of us on this forum will be able to tell you whether she has strong traits, because we've never met her. You nonetheless are capable of determining whether she exhibits the red flags (i.e., strong occurrences of the traits) if you take time to learn what traits to look for. There is nothing subtle about traits such as threats, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and always being "The Victim." If you would like to read an overview of typical BPD traits, I suggest you see my posts in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Matt.

[Nyla]

Meh. I will raise my voice at my husband if he is shouting at me or if we are going over the same thing for the fifth freaking time. I become frustrated that an older and more educated man cannot understand basic concepts.

 

I had an sexually and emotionally abusive ex who would not stop, no matter what I said. One day, I kicked his ass. I don't regret it and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. Sometimes you have to stand up to abusers so that they realize you mean business. I know I should have just left...my low self esteem kept me with that man for two years.

[M30USA]

Meh. I will raise my voice at my husband if he is shouting at me or if we are going over the same thing for the fifth freaking time. I become frustrated that an older and more educated man cannot understand basic concepts.

 

I had an sexually and emotionally abusive ex who would not stop, no matter what I said. One day, I kicked his ass. I don't regret it and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. Sometimes you have to stand up to abusers so that they realize you mean business. I know I should have just left...my low self esteem kept me with that man for two years.

 

You should be ashamed of yourself, not proud. Would you say a MAN should beat his wife if she verbally goes off on him? I don't even need to hear your response.

Edited December 23, 2012 by M30USA

[Nyla]

There's a huge difference in "going off" on someone verbally and behaving in a threatening and intimidating manner.

 

Screaming in someone's face is an act of aggression which qualifies as assault, especially with all the saliva being sprayed into the victim's face.

 

This is what a police officer told me when I visited a precinct, because that ex wouldn't stop making harrassing phone calls.

 

So, I refuse to be ashamed that I stood up to an abusive partner. I know that police officers have extensive experience in making judgement calls between intimate partners. I once asked that ex if he would do the same to one of his male friends and he said "No! A woman isn't going to hit back." There is the gender double standard you were looking for!

 

Men and women have the right to defend themselves against attacks.

[Radu]

There's a huge difference in "going off" on someone verbally and behaving in a threatening and intimidating manner.

Screaming in someone's face is an act of aggression which qualifies as assault, especially with all the saliva being sprayed into the victim's face.

 

This is what a police officer told me when I visited a precinct, because that ex wouldn't stop making harrassing phone calls.

 

So, I refuse to be ashamed that I stood up to an abusive partner. I know that police officers have extensive experience in making judgement calls between intimate partners. I once asked that ex if he would do the same to one of his male friends and he said "No! A woman isn't going to hit back." There is the gender double standard you were looking for!

 

Men and women have the right to defend themselves against attacks.

 

Yeah, see ... this is the first time i hear of this.

You mean to say that every drill seargeant on this planet assaults ppl on a regular basis ?

[Nyla]

Yeah, see ... this is the first time i hear of this.

You mean to say that every drill seargeant on this planet assaults ppl on a regular basis ?

 

No, because that is in the context of being in the armed forces. People who do not want to be screamed at should not join the army.

 

The police officer was talking about screaming in an intimate partner's face. He also said that I should have called the police the first time my ex tried that crap because they would have arrested him.

 

Since my ex said that he wouldn't do the same to a male friend because they would hit him, he knew exactly what he was doing and he thought I would just put up with his nonsense because I'm a woman.

Edited December 23, 2012 by Nyla

[Moonless sky]

I feel this way with my current boyfriend.....I want it to work so bad but I'm starting to wonder when I wont take it anymore. This thread hit home with me because he just acted out. I feel so horrible...

[bpdr]

BPDers (those having strong traits) are UNSTABLE and CAPABLE OF LOVING YOU, narcissists and sociopaths are stable and incapable of loving.

 

 

 

This about sums up my W - Hands down. Definitely Borderline Personality Disorder. Her Grandma and Aunt are Histrionic, as I recently found out. My W's father is also Bi-Polar. Pheew! What a mix of dysfunctional mind disorders.

[Mack05]

I'd have to say - my W exhibited a number of these symptoms (Albeit a clinical Diagnosis was never achieved) ....and even so given these problematic episodes, I continued to fight for my marriage. In the end, I could NOT take it anymore. I gave up -- and left for good.

 

She now stands upon a mountain and echoes; "He Abandoned Me!"

 

My point here -- is what does LS posters truly think about this sort of stuff?!

 

Does your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?

If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.

Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?

1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.

2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.

3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.

4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.

5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.

Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.

Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bull****, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.

Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.

7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.

Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.

10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.

Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.

You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They aree the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.

Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.

 

Long read - I know. Just your thoughts on this. Thanks!

Good post, could have wrote that myself! Especially the gas lighting part and doubting your sanity...The big questions here though is why we're you attracted to her in the first place and far more importantly why did you stay in a relationship like this? Remember emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people..Can I ask if you are codependent? Was it a case of always trying to fix her? Edited December 28, 2012 by Mack05