Does your W Scream or yell at you?

[bpdr]

Remember emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people..Can I ask if you are codependent? Was it a case of always trying to fix her?

 

She is absolutely beautiful, but definitely not healthy. She chased me for the better half of two years, and then I caved. Once under her spell - the mask fell away and the true unstable emotions began to erupt shortly after we married. I agree - something had to be wrong with me to attract such a devil. Yes, I began to change and believed that all things had a way of working themselves out with more effort. The cycle became more volatile - and the abuse more sinister. I always knew something was desperately wrong, but just couldn't put my finger on it. July of this year, I found out via MC and only then knew there was no hope for a happy marriage. So, I left. I never went back.

Edited December 28, 2012 by bpdr

[fucpcg]

I had an sexually and emotionally abusive ex who would not stop, no matter what I said. One day, I kicked his ass. I don't regret it and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. Sometimes you have to stand up to abusers so that they realize you mean business. I know I should have just left...my low self esteem kept me with that man for two years.

 

If a bully gets checked, so be it. I never feel bad for a bully getting his ass kicked.

[fucpcg]

Any thoughts? Im struggling to know if i forced this divorce or she simply gave up to easy??

 

I went thru this with my ex. We had a horrible start to our relationship, and after 2 months I broke up with her. You could very easily label her as an abusive drunk those first two months, but when sober she showed soo much promise, however I just couldn't take it anymore, I walked. She begged me back, I agreed to talk about it, told her if you quit drinking 100% I will give it another chance, and she did, and we got back together, and had an amazing relationship. The girl really did turn her life around for me. However, about a year into our relationship, I got very hard on her about a few things. She may have turned into an amazing girlfriend, but for me it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. If any one little thing went wrong, I'd react toward her just like I did when she was f'ing everything up in the beginning of our relationship. I was always living in the past, short fuse, threatening to break up with her, a number of things I am not proud of now looking back. Finally this time SHE had enough, and she left me.

 

When she left, she emailed me a list of everything I got wrong in the relationship, and told me that she was nothing but amazing to me and I blew it, and she called me abusive, and told me she would never speak to me again. I can't even tell you how many hours I spent in counseling, trying to understand what I did, why I did it, how it all happened, and I must say I am a much better man for it today. Two years later she kept that promise of refusal to talk, and all I want to do is talk about it and make things right. I have sent her letters discussing what I have done and learned since the relationship ended, and all go unanswered, except for the last that got a text response: Stop contacting me this is harassment. How I am doing is none of your business.

 

She has done everything she can to hurt me since the split. Told all my friends I abused her, made an effort to hang out with my friends just to tell them how horrible I was to her. Told all her friends, family, her children I was very close with, that I was a crazy psycho boyfriend to her, and that she really should file for a Protection From Abuse. She WILL NOT TALK to me period, told me she blocked email and phone number so I can't ever speak to her again. If she sees me out she will go hit on any guy standing near me (she's ridiculously beautiful, can pickup any guy she wants), and basically make a scene of it. Kiss, hug, flip her hair, smile, sometimes leave the bar with them. If her friends see me out they are NASTY to me. She has done anything and everything she can to hurt me since the split, while telling everyone how abusive I am.

 

Did I struggle with her? Yes, I did. I am more guilty of being abusive than I ever would like to admit. However like you, it was never a knowingly committed action. In fact, it was only a reflection of me being overreacting to a start of our relationship that was absolutely horrible on her part. If I make an argument about her being abusive in the beginning, I'd make a damn good one. But ultimately, none of that mattered once she felt I abused her. All she sees is vengeance, and she is more victorious than she could ever imagine I am sure. After all, she has convinced everyone including herself that I am a heartless monster.

 

What did I learn? Ha, where to begin, but maybe the lesson you can take from me most importantly, is the difference in her's and mine response to "abuse". I told you her response. What was my response to her after I broke up with her for being an abusive alcoholic? I just walked away, and that was it. I never called her horrible names. I never said anything to her like "I was nothing but nice to you and you threw it away you don't DESERVE for me to talk to you again" like she said to me. I didn't run around town telling people she had an alcohol problem and a nasty drunk. I didn't accuse her of harassment when she drove over to my house when I wouldn't take her phone calls. I didn't punish her for getting anything wrong, I just walked away and told her sorry I can't do this anymore. Then after a week of her texting me about 4 times an hour trying to talk about things, I agreed to meet with her, and even got back together with her. When I did, we had no history to fight for, our history was a disaster, I just did it because I believed this girl was truly sorry and wanted a better relationship, and was soo thankful I gave it another shot because she became the greatest year of my life. I was willing to believe in her heart, and put the past behind. That was my response to her abusive behavior.

 

Abusive behavior does not come from being treated poorly, it comes from being an abusive person. I NEVER wanted to hurt that girl, even when she got everything wrong with me. In fact, I only felt bad for her as she was obviously struggling with life at that point. In the two years since she broke up with me, I have never struggled worse in life, and she has been nothing but vicious with me and tried to hurt me as bad as possible. Yes I hurt her at times after we got back together, and some of my behavior could have been labeled as abusive, but it was never my intent to hurt her. Since breaking up with me, everything she has done has revolved around hurting me as much as possible. After two years of counseling, I can see that she is an abusive person, and I am not, as abuse ultimately comes down to intent, that is the qualifying difference. Abuse by definition, according to the psychologists, is the intent to hurt. That is the defining difference between abusive behavior, and abusive people. We can all act abusive at times in a relationship, however abusive people do it with the intent to hurt, and with unbridled viciousness.

 

This past Christmas marks the first time in two years that I did not try to contact my ex for any holiday, meaning Xmas, birthday, anniversary, etc. I finally gave up, and gave in. I also feel like a quitter, as I loved her and I would do ANYTHING to work things out, but she is not reciprocating. I fell like our love was real, and she felt it too, and after she calmed down she’d want to fix this as well, just like I did. I am learning I am wrong. Yes I gave up on this, but it was the equivalent of me giving up on trying to walk on water, it’s just not gonna happen. I had heard that she is practically living with a guy who just got divorced. She has been having a fling with him since about 1.5 years ago, back when he was only separated from his wife, and as far a she knew, they were trying to reconcile. Just another exhibit of my ex not caring about other’s feelings, as she is sleeping with a man whose wife thinks they are working to get back together, now living with him after help pushing her out.

 

Being called abusive is devastating when you are a person who tries to be nothing like the sort. The best thing you can do about it is to address it, learn from it, make yourself a better man, then let go and move on. If your ex is trying to hurt you in return for things you did to her, that is her problem to deal with, not yours. This is what I have learned in the past two years. Hope some of this makes sense and is helpful, it’s still hard for me to write about after all this time.

[Mack05]

She is absolutely beautiful, but definitely not healthy. She chased me for the better half of two years, and then I caved. Once under her spell - the mask fell away and the true unstable emotions began to erupt shortly after we married. I agree - something had to be wrong with me to attract such a devil. Yes, I began to change and believed that all things had a way of working themselves out with more effort. The cycle became more volatile - and the abuse more sinister. I always knew something was desperately wrong, but just couldn't put my finger on it. July of this year, I found out via MC and only then knew there was no hope for a happy marriage. So, I left. I never went back.

 

Well I am battling with codependency. Your wife may as well be my last ex. Ridiculously beautiful but with a vicious streak I have never seen. Thankfully I got out when I did after just 6 months. She did me a HUGE favour. The thing is though despite her truly horrible abuse towards me, I know there is good in her and thats what the frustrating part was when detangling from the toxicity that was our relationship.

 

It took me ages to understand and accept that she is wired in a different way that I could never understand. When I pulled her up on the abuse side of things she said (and rightly so) that there are two sides of every story. Still Vicious abuse is totally unacceptable no matter what excuse that you use.

 

It was always "you made me do it" or she would deflect and list off all my faults. Classic defense mechanisms of a BPDer. My only crime was being an insecure guy with low self esteem looking to be loved, knowing he couldnt have picked a worse potential long term partner if he tried. Part of me wants to expose her as the abusive bully she is, but that means stooping to her level. Instead I forgave her and wished her a happy Christmas.

 

The reason I asked the questions above was I went from one 'potential' BPder to another back to back. I was wondering what steps you are taking to avoid meeting such a girl again, cause if you do nothing thats exactly what will happen..

Edited December 28, 2012 by Mack05

[M30USA]

If a bully gets checked, so be it. I never feel bad for a bully getting his ass kicked.

 

Too bad the reverse isn't allowed for women. My XW was a bully. I never laid a finger on her since I knew the double standard. I suspect she BECAME a bully for this very reason (ie, society not holding women accountable or physically punishing them). It just saddens me that a woman can beat the crap out of a guy for merely making a verbal insult, while a man can't do the same.

 

Truthfully, I don't think ANYBODY should repay verbal insults with physical retaliation, but I'm just bringing this up to illustrate a point.

Edited December 28, 2012 by M30USA

[fucpcg]

Too bad the reverse isn't allowed for women. My XW was a bully. I never laid a finger on her since I knew the double standard. I suspect she BECAME a bully for this very reason (ie, society not holding women accountable or physically punishing them). It just saddens me that a woman can beat the crap out of a guy for merely making a verbal insult, while a man can't do the same.

 

Truthfully, I don't think ANYBODY should repay verbal insults with physical retaliation, but I'm just bringing this up to illustrate a point.

 

Whatever, a guy who bullies deserves to get cracked. If it's a woman, walk away, if you are a man.

[M30USA]

Whatever, a guy who bullies deserves to get cracked. If it's a woman, walk away, if you are a man.

 

Walk away? Then you get charged with abandonment of your children and you lose your home. Worst of all, you must forever deal with rumors started by your ex wife that you "walked away" from your family.

 

So step up to the plate, fucpcg...

 

Why can't a WOMAN just "walk away" if she gets verbally insulted? Think about it for more than 3 seconds and you'll realize you're wrong. You've been brainwashed to think that women aren't accountable and that abuse against men is okay. Did you know that your view is not shared by many nations in the world or even the US before 1960?

Edited December 29, 2012 by M30USA

[bpdr]

It was always "you made me do it" or she would deflect and list off all my faults. Classic defense mechanisms of a BPDer. My only crime was being an insecure guy with low self esteem looking to be loved, knowing he couldnt have picked a worse potential long term partner if he tried. Part of me wants to expose her as the abusive bully she is, but that means stooping to her level. Instead I forgave her and wished her a happy Christmas.

 

The reason I asked the questions above was I went from one 'potential' BPder to another back to back. I was wondering what steps you are taking to avoid meeting such a girl again, cause if you do nothing thats exactly what will happen..

 

This is precisely how my ex acted out. The chaos creation, projections of infidelity, crazy making accusations were all a part indeed to justify her behavior. Gaslighting, screaming and playing victim was her specialty in our marriage. However - like yours I did see the loving side of her, and was devoted to making her comfortable and happy. It was a one sided affair mostly - with very little contribution on her part. The experience damaged my psyche, but I am getting better everyday. With her, I was exhausted all the time - in part because of the crazy making. Now, I take leisure in playing out gigs, performing and recording again. Music was always my first love to start with. I'm lucky to have finally escaped this horrible traumatizing ordeal - and have learned a valuable lesson. "Heed the Red Flags" - and looking back on it with her, there were MANY flags I ignored. My bad. I so choose to never entertain such a vile creature again.

 

I tell myself everyday "She is somebody else' problem now" ...and I take great comfort in knowing that. A vindication of sorts. I am perfectly fine being alone, and in my skin. I only let her in because I loved her - and that is hard for anybody to do, with me. But, jeez I wished to God - I had RAN AWAY! ohh...How I regret not doing that when I had the opportunity. Life marches on. Good luck Mack

[bpdr]

 

What did I learn? Ha, where to begin, but maybe the lesson you can take from me most importantly, is the difference in her's and mine response to "abuse". I told you her response. What was my response to her after I broke up with her for being an abusive alcoholic? I just walked away, and that was it. I never called her horrible names. I never said anything to her like "I was nothing but nice to you and you threw it away you don't DESERVE for me to talk to you again" like she said to me. I didn't run around town telling people she had an alcohol problem and a nasty drunk. I didn't accuse her of harassment when she drove over to my house when I wouldn't take her phone calls. I didn't punish her for getting anything wrong, I just walked away and told her sorry I can't do this anymore. Then after a week of her texting me about 4 times an hour trying to talk about things, I agreed to meet with her, and even got back together with her. When I did, we had no history to fight for, our history was a disaster, I just did it because I believed this girl was truly sorry and wanted a better relationship, and was soo thankful I gave it another shot because she became the greatest year of my life. I was willing to believe in her heart, and put the past behind. That was my response to her abusive behavior.

 

Abusive behavior does not come from being treated poorly, it comes from being an abusive person. I NEVER wanted to hurt that girl, even when she got everything wrong with me. In fact, I only felt bad for her as she was obviously struggling with life at that point. In the two years since she broke up with me, I have never struggled worse in life, and she has been nothing but vicious with me and tried to hurt me as bad as possible. Yes I hurt her at times after we got back together, and some of my behavior could have been labeled as abusive, but it was never my intent to hurt her. Since breaking up with me, everything she has done has revolved around hurting me as much as possible. After two years of counseling, I can see that she is an abusive person, and I am not, as abuse ultimately comes down to intent, that is the qualifying difference. Abuse by definition, according to the psychologists, is the intent to hurt. That is the defining difference between abusive behavior, and abusive people. We can all act abusive at times in a relationship, however abusive people do it with the intent to hurt, and with unbridled viciousness.

 

Being called abusive is devastating when you are a person who tries to be nothing like the sort. The best thing you can do about it is to address it, learn from it, make yourself a better man, then let go and move on. If your ex is trying to hurt you in return for things you did to her, that is her problem to deal with, not yours. This is what I have learned in the past two years. Hope some of this makes sense and is helpful, it’s still hard for me to write about after all this time.

 

fupcg - You exhibit heartfelt commentary on your experience here. How and why it is these people cross our paths in life may never be known. What I do know now - is that the experience did not make me any better off than I was in the beginning. This relationship and marriage is something I wish I could take back as with every relationship there is usually some value to the experience we all can take from the table. Perhaps you might have here, however I can honestly say that I derived no value whatsoever. Heartache and pain only with very few good memories. Hardly anything at all as a matter of fact.

 

On one hand - you learned more about your behavior in a relationship with your ex and saw first hand her vindictive nature. On the other hand my ex tried to destroy me in almost the very same fashion - but failed. Everyone in our circles, and family had seen right through her even though initially she enjoyed great prestige playing the victim. I never once laid a hand to her. Yet, her gaslighting around the bars and friends would have you believe otherwise. Nobody bought it. Too many people know how I am, and I know she knew that too. In the end, none of it made a hill of beans difference. The M was a dismal failure - by which nothing good came of it.

 

Best wishes to you for 2013!

BP

[Nyla]

Too bad the reverse isn't allowed for women. My XW was a bully. I never laid a finger on her since I knew the double standard. I suspect she BECAME a bully for this very reason (ie, society not holding women accountable or physically punishing them). It just saddens me that a woman can beat the crap out of a guy for merely making a verbal insult, while a man can't do the same.

 

Truthfully, I don't think ANYBODY should repay verbal insults with physical retaliation, but I'm just bringing this up to illustrate a point.

 

Truthfully, you are seeing what you want because of your past. My situation was nothing like yours, so your points are nonsensical and moot. Did you abuse your wife for many years before she assaulted you? No.

 

I have mentioned more than once that I endured far more than simple verbal insults! My ex said that he did those things to me because he thought a woman wouldn't fight back. Guess that's okay in your eyes right? As demonstrated by my ex's beliefs, double standards can work in men's favor as well.

 

Why do you insist on ignoring facts just to prove an erroneous point?

 

If I sexually, emotionally and physically abused a man, there is no way that I would be surprised or even upset if he retaliated with physical force.

 

I will reiterate the facts:

-I endured two years of sexual and emotional abuse.

-I asked my ex to stop more than once. He did not because he felt that a woman would not fight back.

-He also had a habit of screaming in my face and running after me when I tried to walk away.

-One day I beat his ass. I refuse to regret it, no matter what you say or what your ex did.

-I dumped my ex. He kept calling and leaving threatening messages.

-I went to the police. I told them how he treated me the whole relationship, including the screaming in my face.

-The policeman said that screaming in an intimate partner's face is assault, which rendered my actions self defence.

-The policeman said that I should have called them when he made me have sex.

 

I've noticed that some members have a tendency to take posts in the context of their own situations. Members post about their unique experiences, which are not a statement about others.

[Nyla]

Walk away? Then you get charged with abandonment of your children and you lose your home. Worst of all, you must forever deal with rumors started by your ex wife that you "walked away" from your family.

 

So step up to the plate, fucpcg...

 

Why can't a WOMAN just "walk away" if she gets verbally insulted? Think about it for more than 3 seconds and you'll realize you're wrong. You've been brainwashed to think that women aren't accountable and that abuse against men is okay. Did you know that your view is not shared by many nations in the world or even the US before 1960?

 

Some women walk away and men follow them and continue! I walked away several times, only to be chased and spit on.

 

Is it okay for a man to continually abuse a woman because he thinks she won't fight back? You refuse to answer this question, which tells me that you agree with this mindset.

[M30USA]

Some women walk away and men follow them and continue! I walked away several times, only to be chased and spit on.

 

Is it okay for a man to continually abuse a woman because he thinks she won't fight back? You refuse to answer this question, which tells me that you agree with this mindset.

 

I've realized we aren't talking about the same thing. Nevermind.

Edited December 29, 2012 by M30USA

[Radu]

Truthfully, you are seeing what you want because of your past. My situation was nothing like yours, so your points are nonsensical and moot.

 

I've noticed that some members have a tendency to take posts in the context of their own situations. Members post about their unique experiences, which are not a statement about others.

 

I actually read his thread when he joined, it was ... scary to say the least.

He is one of the few male LS-ers that were abused in every form imaginable by their wives [there are a few others].

 

All members take posts in the context of their past experiences.

Him, and even you right now.

 

Quite frankly, i find both of your stories as incredibly scary.

[fucpcg]

I don't care WHAT a woman does, you walk away. If you are physically attacked, defend yourself with restraint, otherwise walk away. I don't give a rat's ass what she did, or what other countries do, you walk. If you are with a girl like this... WHY?! I was with a girl like this before when I was 18-21, off and on. She would literally start physical fights with me. I kept letting her in, that was my bad, not hers. She was a nightmare, shame on me for being with her.

[Nyla]

I actually read his thread when he joined, it was ... scary to say the least.

He is one of the few male LS-ers that were abused in every form imaginable by their wives [there are a few others].

 

All members take posts in the context of their past experiences.

Him, and even you right now.

 

Quite frankly, i find both of your stories as incredibly scary.

 

M30 posted many attacks directed at me, based on his experiences. I don't that was fair or justified.

 

I have not attacked M30. I only explained ad nauseam how my situation is not the same as his. Thankfully, he chose to read properly and see the truth.

 

My heart goes out to every man or woman who is abused by their partner.

 

However, I have no sympathy for bullies who get what they deserve. My situation was very frightening and I should have had enough self love to walk away when the abuse started. Live and learn.

 

Moral of the story: Do not abuse others and expect that they won't fight back because of gender.

Edited December 29, 2012 by Nyla

[bpdr]

Physical violence in ANY relationship nor the retaliation instigated as the result is simply not acceptable by any standard. My W would yell and scream to evoke such confrontations with me - and I simply refused, and many times simply jumped in the car and left her crazy making ways to her own devices.

 

Many times - this pissed her off even more. I felt at ease and relief when I left her during the abusive cycles, and I would do it again to save my sanity. Some people for whatever reasons are emotional vampires. This sort of verbal confrontation that leads to a violent act of retaliation is simply not worth it.

 

If two people cannot seem to get along - time to end it. Walk away. My view of anybody that strikes another out of hatred, mean spirit or retaliation is not thinking clearly and acting upon impulse. My W scratched my face and threw a punch that I caught, and used force to contain her arms so she could not do it again. I let her arms go only after she promised to not hit me again. Promptly thereafter I left our home knowing the M was over. I had always discussed the TWO deal breakers in our marriage. A) Infidelity of any kind B) Assault of any nature ie; throwing things, hitting, scratching, kicking, etc.

 

She always agreed with me on the subject, so it never made any sense to me after she had violated our agreement that I would ever let it go so easily. I didn't - and thus the M ended. End of story.

[M30USA]

Physical violence in ANY relationship nor the retaliation instigated as the result is simply not acceptable by any standard. My W would yell and scream to evoke such confrontations with me - and I simply refused, and many times simply jumped in the car and left her crazy making ways to her own devices.

 

Many times - this pissed her off even more. I felt at ease and relief when I left her during the abusive cycles, and I would do it again to save my sanity. Some people for whatever reasons are emotional vampires. This sort of verbal confrontation that leads to a violent act of retaliation is simply not worth it.

 

If two people cannot seem to get along - time to end it. Walk away. My view of anybody that strikes another out of hatred, mean spirit or retaliation is not thinking clearly and acting upon impulse. My W scratched my face and threw a punch that I caught, and used force to contain her arms so she could not do it again. I let her arms go only after she promised to not hit me again. Promptly thereafter I left our home knowing the M was over. I had always discussed the TWO deal breakers in our marriage. A) Infidelity of any kind B) Assault of any nature ie; throwing things, hitting, scratching, kicking, etc.

 

She always agreed with me on the subject, so it never made any sense to me after she had violated our agreement that I would ever let it go so easily. I didn't - and thus the M ended. End of story.

 

Exactly. Couldn't agree more.

[Nyla]

What should be done if walking away and leaving does not end the abuse? I tried those methods, only to be stalked and followed around.

 

The abuse did not end until I retaliated. It is called self defense.

 

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/story/2012/05/03/f-self-defence.html

 

I thought the same way as some members on this thread, until I was in the aforementioned abusive relationship. Experience brings perspective.

 

Abuse victims are often revictimized by the legal system. This is why so much abuse goes unreported.

Edited January 3, 2013 by Nyla

[bpdr]

What should be done if walking away and leaving does not end the abuse? I tried those methods, only to be stalked and followed around.

 

The abuse did not end until I retaliated. It is called self defense.

 

Self-defence: What's acceptable under Canadian law? - Canada - CBC News

 

I thought the same way as some members on this thread, until I was in the aforementioned abusive relationship. Experience brings perspective.

 

Abuse victims are often revictimized by the legal system. This is why so much abuse goes unreported.

 

The "Legal" system is a failure. R/O and such is follie. NC means just that. But if DUDE is being a prick - and keeping up his follie....THERE ARE ALTERNATIVES....

 

 

A) Daddy's Shotgun

B) Big Brothers Fist-to-Cuffs

C) PSYCHOTIC DRINKING ALCOHOL UNCLE

D) Baseball Bat in reserve.

 

**Playing Victim does not work**

 

 

DUDE gets the idea - when force is used. We LIVE in a world whereby FORCE gets noticed. Respect can ONLY be achieved when DUDE knows that there are consequences for his stupid actions.

 

I once grabbed a hippie by his hair - and slammed his head to the pavement. He was a bully, and a true POS. Afterwards, he looked up to me crying his eyeballs out and said "Look what you did to me"? I laughed, then proceeded to boot party his teeth!

 

Game up. Sorry dip****. But this is a world of "FORCE" we live in. That hippie never messed with us punkers again. Good riddence.

 

DON'T BE SCARED! USE FORCE WHEN NEEDED to Combat Bullies. By NO means ------> EVER hit a girl. Restraint is MANDATORY.

Edited January 4, 2013 by bpdr

[Nyla]

Thank you for understanding!

 

You're right. My ex did not stop being abusive until I used physical force.

[bpdr]

Thank you for understanding!

 

You're right. My ex did not stop being abusive until I used physical force.

 

 

Containment, albeit brute force is necessary. Abuse of ANY flavor is an awful thing. Folks need to understand AND differentiate what is acceptable force vs what is NOT acceptable. Girls, are afforded flexibility - so guys need to just accept and get out.

 

Afterall, what sense does it make to be combative with someone you love??

 

When two people can't get along - time to call it quits, and walk away. I SAY..

[stevie_23]

Here is my point of view from a woman’s perspective who has been guilty of emotionally abusive behaviour.

 

For many years I would treat my significant other mostly really well. 99% of the time I was great, but that 1% of the time I was a nightmare. I’d scream, swear, throw things (never AT the person), slam doors, walk away in anger, give “the finger”, and all this not just in private but public as well, not caring or even really noticing who was looking at me in shock and horror. I would always accuse my partners of not loving me, of not caring, of “hating” me, and then I’d end up crying and shaking for a while afterwards, before calming down and sincerely apologising. And then doing it all over again in a week or a month or 3 months or whenever.

 

I always felt SO bad about this, but at the time felt I couldn’t control myself or help my behaviour. Now I see I could and was just choosing to indulge the negative feelings and tension that had built up inside me that I hadn’t even acknowledged.

 

For some reason, I seemed to expect my partner to “fix” this and when they didn’t (not only because they couldn’t but also because they didn’t know there was anything to fix as I hadn’t said anything about how I’d been feeling before the outburst), I blamed them subconsciously.

 

Now I see that I never would behave that way in front of my co-workers or my parents. So why do it to the person I’m supposed to love most in the world? If someone else treated them that way I’d be appalled so why should I be entitled to?

 

I also realised that by behaving so poorly, I was merely prolonging a negative and unpleasant situation way beyond its natural length. One time my partner accidentally spilt a tiny drop of soy sauce on me and I freaked out, throwing a chair and yelling. The “fight” went on for 2 hours because of my stupidity and indulgence and dysfunctional coping mechanisms when it could’ve otherwise been a good, normal, happy day and we could’ve laughed at the soy sauce.

 

I also tended to be possessive and controlling. All of this was from my deep seated insecurities of feeling inferior and not worthy of proper love, despite the fact my partners have always shown me 100% love and have never done anything to cause my insecurities.

 

I never bullied any of my partners or put them down. But what I did do, as mentioned above, is still abuse.

 

Anyway…that’s just from an emotional abuser woman’s point of view. It is NOT acceptable to put up with such behaviour.

[Downtown]

Stevie, so how did you manage to overcome those intense feelings and turn your situation around? Did you seek therapy and, if so, were you diagnosed as having any particular issue? I ask because it is rare for anyone with such rage issues to have the self awareness and ego strength to do anything about changing it.

[bpdr]

Here is my point of view from a woman’s perspective who has been guilty of emotionally abusive behaviour.

 

For many years I would treat my significant other mostly really well. 99% of the time I was great, but that 1% of the time I was a nightmare. I’d scream, swear, throw things (never AT the person), slam doors, walk away in anger, give “the finger”, and all this not just in private but public as well, not caring or even really noticing who was looking at me in shock and horror. I would always accuse my partners of not loving me, of not caring, of “hating” me, and then I’d end up crying and shaking for a while afterwards, before calming down and sincerely apologising. And then doing it all over again in a week or a month or 3 months or whenever.

 

I always felt SO bad about this, but at the time felt I couldn’t control myself or help my behaviour. Now I see I could and was just choosing to indulge the negative feelings and tension that had built up inside me that I hadn’t even acknowledged.

 

For some reason, I seemed to expect my partner to “fix” this and when they didn’t (not only because they couldn’t but also because they didn’t know there was anything to fix as I hadn’t said anything about how I’d been feeling before the outburst), I blamed them subconsciously.

 

Now I see that I never would behave that way in front of my co-workers or my parents. So why do it to the person I’m supposed to love most in the world? If someone else treated them that way I’d be appalled so why should I be entitled to?

 

I also realised that by behaving so poorly, I was merely prolonging a negative and unpleasant situation way beyond its natural length. One time my partner accidentally spilt a tiny drop of soy sauce on me and I freaked out, throwing a chair and yelling. The “fight” went on for 2 hours because of my stupidity and indulgence and dysfunctional coping mechanisms when it could’ve otherwise been a good, normal, happy day and we could’ve laughed at the soy sauce.

 

I also tended to be possessive and controlling. All of this was from my deep seated insecurities of feeling inferior and not worthy of proper love, despite the fact my partners have always shown me 100% love and have never done anything to cause my insecurities.

 

I never bullied any of my partners or put them down. But what I did do, as mentioned above, is still abuse.

 

Anyway…that’s just from an emotional abuser woman’s point of view. It is NOT acceptable to put up with such behaviour.

 

Wow.

 

A perspective of which one sincerely understands this PD trait and gets it. When you are involved romantically with someone - clouded as it may seem...

 

Disordered individuals cannot appreciate the damage they do. To your credit Stevie - you do. I wish there was more education and knowledge of this issue. It is so damaging, in so many ways - that I rarely appreciate one that gives their perspective from the PD side.

 

Your description fits the PD traits precisely. Thank you for the input...as it gives clarity on what goes on in these minds. Still, it's confusing at best....

 

But, it is what it is. Thank you Stevie...

 

BP

[imtooconfused]

In answer to the original question, my partner was in the habit of raising her vocie (not exactly screaming or throwing things) with the children. It would grate on me like nails on a blackboard, because I would sense that she was yelling at them because she judged that I was not parenting them correctly. As the kids got older, they (and I) pushed back against the yelling and it has calmed down of late.

 

In general, though, she is passive/aggressive. She will hurl a back-handed compliment or a disguised insult at you and the walk away taking "the higher ground." It's not obvious at all, but over time, it can be just as destructive. ...especially since it's your word against theirs.

 

I am sincerely sorry for those who are physically abused. And if you are, you need to remove yourself from the situation as best you can.

Edited January 22, 2013 by imtooconfused