Am I bisexual? Does my spouse suspect it?

[xxoo]

Ok, well until that happens..ill post on this thread. From everything you have read, do you think i am in denial, and im more than bi?

 

Does it matter?

 

You are a man, married to a woman, and obsessed with sex with men. Cease baby-making, and start getting honest, with yourself, and with your wife.

 

You'll be much happier in a relationship where you don't need to hide who you are--whether that be with a woman or a man.

[JamesM]

Go see a counselor who can help you sort this all out. Your fantasies could simply be an obsession that is not really your. Or this could all be who you really are.

 

Fact is...you are married. Decide if you want to stay or go first.

 

If you do decide to get this out of your system by hooking up with a guy, then go find a Craigs List ad, respond, and do the deed. My guess is that this will not help you but only confuse you. You will either be disgusted with yourself for every imagining that you wanted sex with a guy, or you will be drawn into a secret life that will break up your marriage. Either one will cause you more pain than the pleasure will be worth.

 

Best to talk to someone who can help you IRL before your fantasy overcomes your will.

[Mr. Lucky]

We have kind of talked about it, but over facebook and text.

You're facing a life altering set of circumstances which will obviously affect your wife in a huge way and you've chosen to discuss it with her...over facebook ??? Sheesh...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

green...you're suffering from hedonism at it's finest. Make your choice on what you want to do.

[NervisPervis]

The question is actually irrelevant as you are married.

 

If the question was: "I fantasize about my wife's best friend and think about going down on her" then everyone would tell you that you need to quit obsessing as you are married.

 

Not exactly the same. He's done everyting he wants with a Vagina. The need to go to another female is pure adultery. He can't taste a penis with his wife. He's DESPERATELY curious. That itch can only be scratched with another man.

 

And out of curiosity; when you were wacking off next to your crying wife, what visual images did you have? Rhianna or Brad Pitt.

[pteromom]

You asked if you think you are more than bi... well, are you?

 

- Do you ever masturbate to photos/videos of women?

- Do you notice beautiful women in your regular life?

- Do you fantasize about giving oral to your wife or another woman?

- Do you find your wife's body sexually attractive? Do you find her vagina/breasts/womanly shape sexually appealing?

 

If the answer to those are NO, I would say you aren't bi - you're gay.

 

I agree with the posters who said to put baby-making on hold and talk to your wife. You need to figure out what it is you want here.

 

Your wife is not going to be ok with you having sex with men. So you have to decide - your marriage or the freedom to engage in casual sex. It's a choice every married person makes (unless in an open marriage, which isn't the case for you.)

[JamesM]

Not exactly the same. He's done everyting he wants with a Vagina. The need to go to another female is pure adultery. He can't taste a penis with his wife. He's DESPERATELY curious. That itch can only be scratched with another man.

 

And out of curiosity; when you were wacking off next to your crying wife, what visual images did you have? Rhianna or Brad Pitt.

 

Being faithful means having sex with the person to whom you are married. Cheating is having sex with another person. Genitals are irrelevant.

 

If I am curious what it is to be with a Asian woman or Black woman or a redhead, then am I allowed to satisfy my curiosity because my wife is none of those? Can she have sex with a black man because I will never have a black penis?

 

Hardly.

 

Deciding if you are bisexual can be decided without cheating.

[greenthumb95]

You asked if you think you are more than bi... well, are you?

 

- Do you ever masturbate to photos/videos of women?

-Yes, all the time.

- Do you notice beautiful women in your regular life?

-I definitely do. Sometimes more than i should.

- Do you fantasize about giving oral to your wife or another woman?

-I do fantasize about oral on my wife every now and then..but its not my favorite thing to do sexually with a woman

 

- Do you find your wife's body sexually attractive? Do you find her vagina/breasts/womanly shape sexually appealing?

-Yes, yes and yes.

If the answer to those are NO, I would say you aren't bi - you're gay.

 

I agree with the posters who said to put baby-making on hold and talk to your wife. You need to figure out what it is you want here.

 

Your wife is not going to be ok with you having sex with men. So you have to decide - your marriage or the freedom to engage in casual sex. It's a choice every married person makes (unless in an open marriage, which isn't the case for you.)

 

Thank you all for your input! Let me respond to a few questions and clarify a few things. No, even if i had the chance right now, and no one would find out..I still wouldnt go through with it. I love my wife more than anything, and the guilt of cheating on her would eat me alive. Question # 2. Yes, i could and will totally be faithful to my wife.

 

My main goal in all of this is just that she knows, and understands and accepts me for me. I am not asking her, nor do i want to start having sex with men on the side. Am I curious about going down on some really hot guy? Extremely. However, my marriage is more important. To other post, yes I would love it if she used a strap on on me. I think that would help my urges subside. I do agree though, that in some odd way..part of me wishes she knew, or either suspected it enough that she would ask me about it so we could talk. I am having such a tough time getting the guts to bring it up myself. The reference to the guy in the original post was merely to illustrate that my urges have gotten intense enough that i fantasize about certain guys, instead of the penis just by itself. It should be noted that I have no desire to date a man, or have a relationship with one. It is pure sexual curiosity.

[Feelin Frisky]

For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.

 

 

I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

 

We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication

 

You are most likely not bi-sexual. What you have is a penis fascination. A bi-sexual is not a person who thinks about genitalia--they respond with attraction to actual people. The fact that they may be of the same gender is only coincidental. What is primary is that they notice the attractiveness of another person regardless of gender and entertain the impulse to engage them sexually. If what you describe is as I read it, your condition is much more prevalent than you might think. IMO it is perfectly normal and OK to entertain a same sex fantasy in the course of masturbation if that's what does it for you that particular time. That's a whole different thing then making the jump into reality and seeing people of your same sex for their attractiveness. It is an unspoken truth but evidence is abundant in the fact that so much main stream porography highlights the ejaculation of the male and men seeing that get very aroused. But notice that the camera is never on the guy's face. A bisexual in the true sense would want to see his face and perhaps kiss and do all the things a straight man would do with a woman. But the truth is that men--perhaps most--have a penis fascination or fixation which arouses them but that's as far as it goes. They are not interested in the person attached to the penis. I am straight and have never touched another cock, but was challenged when I was younger if I had any gender issues. What I wrote above is what I came up with and how I live. I only notice women IRL, but I get off seeing an 8" snoodler pump out a few whirlybirds over a chick's face. I don't want to get down there and suck it. There are levels of what each of us will do. Since you have not acted on same sex fulfillment, you should probably come to the self assurance that you're straight--and just get off on the idea of cock once in a while but not the men attached to them. Just keep it to yourself and don't try to explain it to your g/f. I tried to have a similar discussion with an e/x last year and got a very rude text which read "so you like to chug it". So much for trying to explain something that makes a chick get queezy.

[greenthumb95]

You are most likely not bi-sexual. What you have is a penis fascination. A bi-sexual is not a person who thinks about genitalia--they respond with attraction to actual people. The fact that they may be of the same gender is only coincidental. What is primary is that they notice the attractiveness of another person regardless of gender and entertain the impulse to engage them sexually. If what you describe is as I read it, your condition is much more prevalent than you might think. IMO it is perfectly normal and OK to entertain a same sex fantasy in the course of masturbation if that's what does it for you that particular time. That's a whole different thing then making the jump into reality and seeing people of your same sex for their attractiveness. It is an unspoken truth but evidence is abundant in the fact that so much main stream porography highlights the ejaculation of the male and men seeing that get very aroused. But notice that the camera is never on the guy's face. A bisexual in the true sense would want to see his face and perhaps kiss and do all the things a straight man would do with a woman. But the truth is that men--perhaps most--have a penis fascination or fixation which arouses them but that's as far as it goes. They are not interested in the person attached to the penis. I am straight and have never touched another cock, but was challenged when I was younger if I had any gender issues. What I wrote above is what I came up with and how I live. I only notice women IRL, but I get off seeing an 8" snoodler pump out a few whirlybirds over a chick's face. I don't want to get down there and suck it. There are levels of what each of us will do. Since you have not acted on same sex fulfillment, you should probably come to the self assurance that you're straight--and just get off on the idea of cock once in a while but not the men attached to them. Just keep it to yourself and don't try to explain it to your g/f. I tried to have a similar discussion with an e/x last year and got a very rude text which read "so you like to chug it". So much for trying to explain something that makes a chick get queezy.

 

I guess i have never thought of it like that. When the urges started, it was total obsession with the penis itself. The guy in my original post is the first man ive ever fully wanted to have sex with, and not just giving him oral.

[Feelin Frisky]

I guess i have never thought of it like that. When the urges started, it was total obsession with the penis itself. The guy in my original post is the first man ive ever fully wanted to have sex with, and not just giving him oral.

I don't think I could go through with that kind of thing, but there was a guy once that appealed to me that way. He was my hand therapist when I had carpal tunnel release. And he greased up my hand and massaged it thoroughly every treatment and was probably the handsomest dude I ever saw. But I'm straight and know it and didn't think sexually of him at the time. As for a passing masturbatory fantasy years later I shall not further incriminate myself.

[greenthumb95]

So you dont think i am bi then?

[Feelin Frisky]

So you dont think i am bi then?

 

No. You would have acted on it long ago. As I tried to explain in my first post, bi-sexuals' sexual response is triggered all the time by attractive people of both sexes. And they assert themselves to the fullest. You sound more like the guy with the penis curiosity that may be quite driving especially if you're young and haven't proven to yourself who you really are yet. But don't forget, the porn industry doesn't call a male orgasm a "money shot" for nothing. It's a big secret that no one talks about. But anyway, the real litmus test of bi-sexuality is attraction to people and not fantasy that involves just the genitalia. You can only say you're bi when you've met someone, done the deed, feel like it's no big deal and then live that way--if you haven't already been doing that since the beginning of your adult sex life. Trust me, I've had a lot of very bright friends have the same concerns--they all wound up married. But when they had those challenging questions about themselves they didn't have the net to chew it over with a sympathetic stranger and chose to talk about it with the wrong people. They had to suffer a lot of unfounded gossip back in the day. But you sound basically straight to me with the typical wandering curiosity billions of people feel. Give yourself a break.

[pteromom]

My main goal in all of this is just that she knows, and understands and accepts me for me. I am not asking her, nor do i want to start having sex with men on the side. Am I curious about going down on some really hot guy? Extremely. However, my marriage is more important.

 

I think that by bringing it up to her, you'd be opening a can of worms that is best left unopened. If you wanted to bring it up because you didn't believe you'd be able to be faithful to her, and wanted to discuss options for you making your fantasy reality, it would be different.

 

But since you have no plans to make your fantasy reality, all you would be doing is hurting her. Yes, she'd know ALL of you. And she would know that she would never really be enough for you. She would know that you really want more than she can give you. She would wonder if you ever really will make your fantasy come true, and would be suspicious every time you hang out with a male friend.

 

It isn't in your best interest - or hers - to share this fantasy with her.

 

my urges have gotten intense enough that i fantasize about certain guys, instead of the penis just by itself. It should be noted that I have no desire to date a man, or have a relationship with one. It is pure sexual curiosity.

 

I think your best bet is to actively work on minimizing your urges for penis. This means focusing on FEMALE porn (since you said you do enjoy it). It means avoiding the man you are finding yourself attracted to. It means if you are masturbating and start thinking about sucking a penis, you FORCE yourself to think about something else.

 

It means that you refocus your sexual attention on your wife too. If you want your marriage to last, she needs to feel that she's a priority and that you love her. She knows something is up with you, probably suspects you are gay, and is waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a very vulnerable state to be in, and if some man makes a move on her, she is very at risk for falling for someone who shows real interest in her.

 

We all have secret fantasies. We all have parts of ourselves that our partners don't know. That's ok and normal. She doesn't have to know you dream about dicks in order to love you.

[greenthumb95]

I think that by bringing it up to her, you'd be opening a can of worms that is best left unopened. If you wanted to bring it up because you didn't believe you'd be able to be faithful to her, and wanted to discuss options for you making your fantasy reality, it would be different.

 

But since you have no plans to make your fantasy reality, all you would be doing is hurting her. Yes, she'd know ALL of you. And she would know that she would never really be enough for you. She would know that you really want more than she can give you. She would wonder if you ever really will make your fantasy come true, and would be suspicious every time you hang out with a male friend.

 

It isn't in your best interest - or hers - to share this fantasy with her.

 

 

 

I think your best bet is to actively work on minimizing your urges for penis. This means focusing on FEMALE porn (since you said you do enjoy it). It means avoiding the man you are finding yourself attracted to. It means if you are masturbating and start thinking about sucking a penis, you FORCE yourself to think about something else.

 

It means that you refocus your sexual attention on your wife too. If you want your marriage to last, she needs to feel that she's a priority and that you love her. She knows something is up with you, probably suspects you are gay, and is waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a very vulnerable state to be in, and if some man makes a move on her, she is very at risk for falling for someone who shows real interest in her.

 

We all have secret fantasies. We all have parts of ourselves that our partners don't know. That's ok and normal. She doesn't have to know you dream about dicks in order to love you.

 

[COLOR=#000000][COLOR=#000000]I agree with everything you said. I guess I am just afraid to add more stress to her plate. She has a stressful job, there are alot of outside sources of stress and I guess I dont want to be another one of them. I mean, I honestly think she knows somewhat. She makes little jokes all the time..and when we were facebooking about it while i was at work, she told me that unless i want to leave her for a man, then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. I am also afraid that the amount of female friends and family members ive spoken with about it is going to haunt me, as it already has somewhat. [/COLOR][/COLOR]

[MrWindupBird]

I think the label game is weird. A lot of people have been abused, and a lot of people have been imprinted on somehow even if it's subconsciously, and it's left a lot of sexual desires in people that may be considered beyond the norm.

 

To some, they may say yes you're bisexual. And maybe you are.

 

But if it's just you thinking about the sexual desire, then it may be something less complete than your sexual identity, and it may be more of a fetish for lack of a better word.

 

I have a few gay friends through school and work, and it goes well beyond wanting to give oral sex to another man. Their identities are totally different. They crave a kinship with a male lover. It's not something that's over in a few minutes, and they're ready to move on with their day.

 

Maybe you wanted to receive oral sex very badly, but you didn't get it enough, so the fixation has sort of stained your mind. Maybe you want a more sexual lifestyle, and you're so used to being told no or held at distance by your wife, that you know gay men are easier targets and that appeals to you. Through intern work, I have experience with prison psychology, and the way the male mind sprouts under different circumstances is truly fascinating.

 

Either way, due to society, I would not under any circumstances tell others about this in your personal life. You seem like a good person, and many good people are prone to being naive, and people will break their neck to throw you under the bus with this.

[pteromom]

[COLOR=#000000][COLOR=#000000]I agree with everything you said. I guess I am just afraid to add more stress to her plate. She has a stressful job, there are alot of outside sources of stress and I guess I dont want to be another one of them. I mean, I honestly think she knows somewhat. She makes little jokes all the time..and when we were facebooking about it while i was at work, she told me that unless i want to leave her for a man, then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. I am also afraid that the amount of female friends and family members ive spoken with about it is going to haunt me, as it already has somewhat. [/COLOR][/COLOR]

 

You can't help what you feel, but you DO have control over how much power you give it in your life.

 

In many ways, you are in the same situation as a guy who is married but is itching to have an affair. In his case, it is up to him whether he feeds his desire for the affair by searching Craig's list and meet-up sites and flirting with women, or if he downplays the desire by NOT doing those things and instead focusing on improving his marriage.

 

You have the same options. You may not be able to help being intrigued by penises, but you CAN decide not to feed the desire, and instead focus on what you have.