Wife of 9 years asked to seperate

[edwardo47]

Hello Forum. I have been married for 9 years and I have 2 children, boys 4 and 6. I'll try and summarize as best I can.

 

I was told by my wife that she wanted to seperate a week and a half ago. This is not the first time. My wife asked when my first son was 2. We had had a real hard time conceiving since we were older. Invitro. Massive postpartum depression after first. Invitro Miscarriage between second son. Invitro. Second son born. More post partum depression worse than the first time. Was tough on me and I did withdraw. She did everything for the child. I was more involved in first. Wife started counseling and started taking anti-depressants. Her mood changed for the better. We had a very busy life as she was stay at home mom and I worked for the benefits. I had done well early in life and we own our home outright.

 

Forward to a year and a half ago. I made a very bad investment and I lost 160K. All my savings. My wife was supportive of me and said it was not the end of the world. She is a trust fund baby and her father is extremely wealthy. Large gifts every Christmas to the tune of 15K each. But my ego as the breadwinner was crushed. I got depressed, angry and wrapped myself in work, yardwork, improving house,etc. Knowing about the three stages of marriage we were in the conflict stage. Bickering, yelling at each other. Never physical. I then withdrew. She asked for counseling over 2 years ago but I did not want that since my family put me in counseling early in life(problem child I was). Day before last Fathers day she asked to seperate and I begged her to give me another chance. She did, said she would give it the summer and re-evaluate. I was a great starter but I did not finish very well, obviously.

 

I went through all kinds of emotions after I found out she wants out. She said she loves me and cares. She knows I am an excellent dad(I am). I took care of everything for the family except my wifes emotional needs. I withdrew, seperate dinners, seperate tvs, she went on vacation alone with the kids this year.

 

So now she has withdrawn. Her dads trust is renting a house and she is moving in January, February. We are okay in the house together. I am communicating and leaving her alone when she needs. I am in counseling now. Second session today. I have joined divorcecare too. My wife says as it stands now she could not do another 10 years of marriage. I don't blame her. She has trust issues and probably does not want to invest anymore time to get knocked down again.

 

The bottomline is I love my wife and I am still in love with her. I don't want the seperation but I have no choice. She is leaving, we will have open custody of the children. I am finally doing the leg work to make me a better person. I can't hold out hope that down the line we are going to get back together. But I pray. My wife is a good woman in all senses. She has just shut off to the marriage and thinks it is best for both of us. She says she does not want to have a bad seperation/divorce. She wants to be friends with me, not like her friends in bad divorce situations.

 

We had more good times than bad times. What can I do? Just live day by day and stay positive. You can't make somebody want you. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

[edwardo47]

Just a quick point to make after counseling today then a talk with wife. Brought some positive feedback from the meeting. Wife told me that she did not want me to get my hopes up. She told me she did not find me attractive( I am a good looking guy physically,maybe not emotionally for her). I asked her if she wanted to date others. Her answer was she'd like to at some point. Told me if I needed sex I should go out and do it. F her! Thats what I'm gonna do!

[GuyInLimbo]

Just a quick point to make after counseling today then a talk with wife. Brought some positive feedback from the meeting. Wife told me that she did not want me to get my hopes up. She told me she did not find me attractive( I am a good looking guy physically,maybe not emotionally for her). I asked her if she wanted to date others. Her answer was she'd like to at some point. Told me if I needed sex I should go out and do it. F her! Thats what I'm gonna do!

 

Damn right you should.

[Chi townD]

Just a quick point to make after counseling today then a talk with wife. Brought some positive feedback from the meeting. Wife told me that she did not want me to get my hopes up. She told me she did not find me attractive( I am a good looking guy physically,maybe not emotionally for her). I asked her if she wanted to date others. Her answer was she'd like to at some point. Told me if I needed sex I should go out and do it. F her! Thats what I'm gonna do!

 

 

That's a big red flag for me. No wife tells their husband to go out and find someone else for sex.....unless they were already getting it elsewhere. Therefore, if she knew you were getting some, then she wouldn't feel so guilty about what she was doing.

 

This may or may not be the case, but it's worth looking into. Don't guess verify!

[edwardo47]

I am a Christian and take my vows unconditionally. Let her rot in purgatory/hell.

[Chi townD]

Then, I take it that as a Christian, you're not gonna go out and find some to mess around with as you suggested?

[edwardo47]

"Then, I take it that as a Christian, you're not gonna go out and find some to mess around with as you suggested?"

 

Not until the divorce is finalized! I have morals. And a vow is a vow.

[2sunny]

Sounds like she's got someone new for herself lined up.

 

I'd start checking. She's not being honest - I'd bet money she's involved with someone else and that's the reason she doesn't find you attractive anymore.

 

She found you attractive enough to have two kids with you - and to keep you around while she suffered her depressive states.

 

Her medicine may be putting her in a hyper state of awareness now - so much so that she's more interested in inappropriate behavior.

[edwardo47]

Sounds like she's got someone new for herself lined up.

 

I'd start checking. She's not being honest - I'd bet money she's involved with someone else and that's the reason she doesn't find you attractive anymore.

 

She found you attractive enough to have two kids with you - and to keep you around while she suffered her depressive states.

 

Her medicine may be putting her in a hyper state of awareness now - so much so that she's more interested in inappropriate behavior.

 

If she has someone new lined up, good luck to him. Life has not been easy for me in our relationship. I dealt with all the mood swings from trying to conceive through invitro, through miscarriage. I did withdraw from her. But I still worked hard for the family.

 

Regarding the anti-depressants, I first thought that they were good because her mood swings leveled, but now I see that they could have actually helped her fall out of love. Been researching all night and this morning and lots of evidence as to anti-depressants blocking the love receptor. My wife is dependent on them. She even suggested that I go on them. I did take prozac twenty years ago for depression and found that it had changed me into something I was not. I was like a zombie and had no sex desire.

 

I texted to her this morning, since she took the children, to her parents for the rest of the week and said she should google antidepressants and divorce. I know it will fall on deaf ears. She is the ice queen now. She is going to wake up someday and it will be too late. I am in the process of checking out. Feeling better everyday. Lets see what it is like in my home without her. Happy Thanksgiving to All! Including my drugged up wife.

[aMguilts]

Including my drugged up wife.

 

hello edwardo..

 

That`s a bit harsh don`t you think?

From your posts she has been more than patient with you? You kept saying to her that you would `change` but you never did , did you?

 

Now she`s gone( and is depressed because of it), you suddenly feel the need to be nasty towards her for HER making a stand and not putting up with the way you are?

I don`t get it.

 

Why is it that so many on here are bitter and twisted because `suddenly` their spouses won`t put up with the c**p any longer?

 

I`m not having a go at you, i`m not.

Bit late shutting the stable door now the horse has bolted thou .Complaining and moaning about it will get you NOWHERE.

 

aM

Edited November 22, 2012 by aMguilts
spelling check... jeeez

[aMguilts]

.

 

Regarding the anti-depressants, I first thought that they were good because her mood swings leveled, but now I see that they could have actually helped her fall out of love. Been researching all night and this morning and lots of evidence as to anti-depressants blocking the love receptor. My wife is dependent on them. She even suggested that I go on them. I did take prozac twenty years ago for depression and found that it had changed me into something I was not. I was like a zombie and had no sex desire.

 

.

 

And whoever knows where you got THAT from?!!

Yes ok anti depressants DO block the `love receptors` as you so put it.

But not when you are in a healthy relationship with someone you love and they love you back.

There are so many anti depressants now compared to 20 years ago. FWIW , prozac is the worst one ever!

 

And i`ll agree with you, they do tend to `zombiefy` you ( if thats a word?) But sometimes it`s better to feel nothing at all then to feel like you want to end everything in one swoop.

You should really be more supportive of your wife. If you claim you love her as much as you say you do

 

aM

Edited November 22, 2012 by aMguilts

[robf1971]

That's a big red flag for me. No wife tells their husband to go out and find someone else for sex.....unless they were already getting it elsewhere. Therefore, if she knew you were getting some, then she wouldn't feel so guilty about what she was doing.

 

This may or may not be the case, but it's worth looking into. Don't guess verify!

 

Got to agree with this, for goodness sake don't ask her if she's cheating either, you'll just get lied to.

[robf1971]

Why is it that so many on here are bitter and twisted because `suddenly` their spouses won`t put up with the c**p any longer?

 

 

aM

 

Good point!!

 

But it does indeed take 2 to tango in any marriage, money's on both being equal contributors to the problem here.

 

Anyway the OP needs to find out if she's cheating and who with, then break it up by telling his wife.

[edwardo47]

And whoever knows where you got THAT from?!!

Yes ok anti depressants DO block the `love receptors` as you so put it.

But not when you are in a healthy relationship with someone you love and they love you back.

There are so many anti depressants now compared to 20 years ago. FWIW , prozac is the worst one ever!

 

And i`ll agree with you, they do tend to `zombiefy` you ( if thats a word?) But sometimes it`s better to feel nothing at all then to feel like you want to end everything in one swoop.

You should really be more supportive of your wife. If you claim you love her as much as you say you do

 

aM

 

I hear what you say about change. I did make some changes such as thinking before I speak. Taking her thoughts into consideration. Working hard to not swear in front of the kids. I have to face up to the facts that the passion was/is gone. In the last 2-3 years it was wham bam thank you maam. I'm a good lover and she was never displeased with the sex aspect. There were some initiations on her part throughout the marriage, but the vast majority were from me. Since she got on the meds, in hindsight the passion went away. I have been taking st johns wort as a natural alternative on the request of the wife. She wanted me to go on a drug. Like I said, I took Prozac. No thank you to any of the drug companies cash cows. Too many people today look to a pill for every complication. The quick easy fix. As opposed to working it out. Was I late in the process of trying to change things? Yes. But I am doing what I am for me because whether she wants me later or not, there will be someone else that will come along who I can have a healthy relationship with. My wife gave up on me as it stands. She does not want to be married to me. So how can I support her in that. I'm just going to worry about the children and myself. It is easy for her to make this break because she has a daddy who will buy her an apartment/house. There are 2 people in a relationship. We both screwed up. She enabled me to continue the bad actions over and over. And it built pressure all along until it exploded in her. I'm a thick headed Irishman. It takes alot to "get it". But I do get it now yet it is too late for her. Or she wants another man. Her choice. I think of me. Went out and bought some Rogaine today. Time to fix the thinning spot. Lost 15 pounds on the depression diet. Just need to lift a little. Be back in the swing of things after the divorce paper are signed. Yeah. It is getting easier. Reality has set in! Happy thanksgiving to you too.

[standtall]

The 3rd party radar is going off.

[aMguilts]

I hear what you say about change. I did make some changes such as thinking before I speak. Taking her thoughts into consideration. Working hard to not swear in front of the kids. I have to face up to the facts that the passion was/is gone. In the last 2-3 years it was wham bam thank you maam. I'm a good lover and she was never displeased with the sex aspect. There were some initiations on her part throughout the marriage, but the vast majority were from me. Since she got on the meds, in hindsight the passion went away. I have been taking st johns wort as a natural alternative on the request of the wife. She wanted me to go on a drug. Like I said, I took Prozac. No thank you to any of the drug companies cash cows. Too many people today look to a pill for every complication. The quick easy fix. As opposed to working it out. Was I late in the process of trying to change things? Yes. But I am doing what I am for me because whether she wants me later or not, there will be someone else that will come along who I can have a healthy relationship with. My wife gave up on me as it stands. She does not want to be married to me. So how can I support her in that. I'm just going to worry about the children and myself. It is easy for her to make this break because she has a daddy who will buy her an apartment/house. There are 2 people in a relationship. We both screwed up. She enabled me to continue the bad actions over and over. And it built pressure all along until it exploded in her. I'm a thick headed Irishman. It takes alot to "get it". But I do get it now yet it is too late for her. Or she wants another man. Her choice. I think of me. Went out and bought some Rogaine today. Time to fix the thinning spot. Lost 15 pounds on the depression diet. Just need to lift a little. Be back in the swing of things after the divorce paper are signed. Yeah. It is getting easier. Reality has set in! Happy thanksgiving to you too.

 

 

ok edwardo

 

fair enough.

in bold from top to bottom.

 

Working hard to not swear in front of the kids.??

 

so keeping your emotions in check, is hard work? In front of your kids or otherwise?

Why do you swear in front of your kids ( Irish or not)

she got on the meds, in hindsight the passion went away

 

Maybe the passion didn`t go away, maybe ,she was not going to put up with you treating her like a `sex object` anymore?

 

Too many people today look to a pill for every complication. The quick easy fix. As opposed to working it out.

 

This remark really has my back up.

There is NOTHING wrong in admitting to having a problem. And if a `pill` is all it takes to make that problem go away than so be it.

 

You saying to me you never take any pill for anything?

She does not want to be married to me

 

The last bit says it all. And you are wondering why??

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Rogaine? do you mean regaine?

 

So you are going bald?

 

If i was to say to you, there was a pill that would stop you going bald, would you take it?

 

aM

[aMguilts]

red pill, blue pill??

 

aM

[edwardo47]

The 3rd party radar is going off.

 

Look. One thing I forgot to mention is a week ago I overheard a conversation she had with my oldest sons divorced baseball coach. 45 minutes by the door and it sounded just like our conversations when we first dated. Talked about her upbringing. Talked about travelling when she was younger. Talked about Tennis. Very Flirtatious. I confronted her immediately after. She said it was nothing, he gave her his number if she "needed to talk" about divorce. This was call number 3. She had that deer in the headlight look. At some point in the conversation she said it felt nice to be flirted with. But of course nothings going on. I asked her again yesterday, point blank if she was cheating. Once again, she said no. What do I gain if I catch her? Eventually it will all come out. And she will have to deal with the children later about why mommy and daddy split up. Kharma Baby! And the dude is a short little dwarvish figure with glasses. I will move up the ladder, not down!

[aMguilts]

sorry edwardo. i dont`t mean to point out where you are wrong and to belittle you.

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Look. One thing I forgot to mention is a week ago I overheard a conversation she had with my oldest sons divorced baseball coach. 45 minutes by the door and it sounded just like our conversations when we first dated. Talked about her upbringing. Talked about travelling when she was younger. Talked about Tennis. Very Flirtatious. I confronted her immediately after. She said it was nothing, he gave her his number if she "needed to talk" about divorce. This was call number 3. She had that deer in the headlight look. At some point in the conversation she said it felt nice to be flirted with. But of course nothings going on. I asked her again yesterday, point blank if she was cheating. Once again, she said no. What do I gain if I catch her? Eventually it will all come out. And she will have to deal with the children later about why mommy and daddy split up. Kharma Baby! And the dude is a short little dwarvish figure with glasses. I will move up the ladder, not down!

 

 

So you have NOTHING to worry about then do you???

 

And SHE will move on withwhoever she chooses too.

Maybe she is happy with him? Maybe he is giving her something you failed too??

That`d be `KARMA`

 

aM

[edwardo47]

ok edwardo

 

fair enough.

in bold from top to bottom.

 

Working hard to not swear in front of the kids.??

 

so keeping your emotions in check, is hard work? In front of your kids or otherwise?

Why do you swear in front of your kids ( Irish or not)

she got on the meds, in hindsight the passion went away

 

Maybe the passion didn`t go away, maybe ,she was not going to put up with you treating her like a `sex object` anymore?

 

Too many people today look to a pill for every complication. The quick easy fix. As opposed to working it out.

 

This remark really has my back up.

There is NOTHING wrong in admitting to having a problem. And if a `pill` is all it takes to make that problem go away than so be it.

 

You saying to me you never take any pill for anything?

She does not want to be married to me

 

The last bit says it all. And you are wondering why??

 

aM

 

As for children, when I'm working around house or something breaks, I have sworn in past. They have overheard. She also swore. Much better.

 

She was not a sex object. She received as well and always said sex was not a problem.

 

I say no to pills but I will use the rogaine to fill in the thinning part on my crown.

 

She does not want to be married to me for her reasons but I suspect another man.

 

As for you as you seem to want to flame me. Stop the pity party for yourself. Be a man. Your wife does not want you either but you wallow in sorrow. Move on! It sucks It isn't easy. But move forward. I am!

[aMguilts]

I`m not even going to waste my time in this post anymore. sorry

 

Op. You have a lot of growing up to do

sorry. i`m out

 

aM

[aMguilts]

As for children, when I'm working around house or something breaks, I have sworn in past. They have overheard. She also swore. Much better.

 

She was not a sex object. She received as well and always said sex was not a problem.

 

I say no to pills but I will use the rogaine to fill in the thinning part on my crown.

 

She does not want to be married to me for her reasons but I suspect another man.

 

As for you as you seem to want to flame me. Stop the pity party for yourself. Be a man. Your wife does not want you either but you wallow in sorrow. Move on! It sucks It isn't easy. But move forward. I am!

 

How have i `flamed` you?

And you`ve moved on eh?

I`m pleased you have moved on

 

Now maybe let your STBEXW do the same?

 

I`m out of this. I`ll help you if you need it, start another thread thou.

 

aM

[edwardo47]

Sorry Am. Emotion got the most of me. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!