Revenge Cheating

[CantgetoveritNY]

My wife and I have been together 14 years. We have always had and continue to have a really great sex life. She is attracted to me and I am attracted to her. We have a lot of sex. She has said on numerous occasions that sex is the best thing about our relationship.

 

I knew she was having what I thought was a harmless romantic affair with a guy who was not her type. Not anyone’s type really. Not at all attractive. So I was not worried. She would let me read her texts to him and his to her and it seemed harmless flirtation. She assured me she would never think of sleeping with this guy. She sent me pictures of him to prove it. She just liked the attention.

 

Well I know now I’m like the stupidest person on earth. Of course she eventually was won over by his charms (and money) even though she was not attracted to him. She became attracted because he was so nice and generous with money. She became infatuated. She said she was thinking of leaving me. She had sex with him many times but all the while she maintained to me she would never sleep with him before ending it with me. She swore that of course she would not because he was not attractive physically just emotionally. But she did say she was thinking of leaving me. I still believed that she would not have a secret affair. That seemed to be so out of character. So beneath her standards.

 

He being a MM, he ended up dumping her. Or she dumped him because he would not leave his wife, to be totally accurate. But she did want him to leave his wife and wanted to end it with me. But did not tell me. I found out about it after it was over.

 

I know she still thinks of me as her best lover. During the time period of the affair, she used to ask me that “if” she married this other guy would I be willing to still have sex with her. And after I found out about the affair she told me that often after having sex with him she really craved being with me. She needed me to satisfy her. Although she said it was not satisfying with him she did enjoy it on some level. She loved and cared for him and so sex, although not great, was still enjoyable. I really appreciate her honesty about this. And I think she has been honest about her feelings and the details of how it happened and etc. And I think she would never cheat again.

 

My problem (lets say biggest problem) is that I can’t get it out of my mind that this guy saw my wife naked. That he touched her intimately. That he put his thing inside her. And that she liked it, if even on some lesser level. I think about it every time I see her. Every time I see a photo of her. I don’t hate her or even feel anger. I’d be plenty angry if she did it again but I believe she won’t. I’m just hurt and disgusted. And really want these images to stop.

 

And now to the tile of this post. I feel like if I have sex with some other woman, and my wife knows about it, that somehow it will give me closure. I don’t want to cheat, i.e.: have sex with another woman and keep it secret. I want her to know about. I guess I want her to feel my pain. Understand what I have to deal with. I don’t think she does right now. She says things like that I’ve put her though pain too. And gives lame examples as comparison. So I know she does not know this pain.

 

I do know she is sorry. As time goes by I see that she is humiliated that she did something so against her values. So tawdry. I know that she is humiliated by being duped into thinking the MM would leave his wife. Even sorry that she hurt me. But she does not know how much she hurt me. Or the way it feels for me to know she has been very intimate with someone else. And I think it hurts me all the more because sex was/is such an important reason why we are good together. But if I know and believe I’m the best lover she ever had why do I want this? I sure don’t need more sex and I sure don’t believe anyone could give me better sex than my wife. Ugh.

 

I am in counseling with two therapists. I am on Rx to help me deal with this. It all is helping. I know I’d be unable to function at all without this help but as you can see it is not enough.

[Indypendence]

Trust me it will only make you feel worse. So don't EVEN GO there. Either suck it up and have the balls to leave or suck it up and have the balls to work on it and let the **** go.

 

I know I'm one to talk. That is a very hard thing to do when you feel that you love someone and want what you THOUGHT you had back.

[Minnie09]

OP - I can sooooo relate.

 

When my xH cheated (and lied and betrayed and and and ......) the only thing I wanted for a very long time was to get even. Period. Honestly, the communication between us was exhausting, and endless, and resulted in nothing but a superficial and fake reconciliation that lasted a few weeks, until I blew up again. A horrible cycle. I truly believe that if I had had a revenge A (or one-night stand, or even just an emotional A) I would've had a much easier time forgiving, because I would've felt a lot less taken advantage of, exploited and treated in an unfair way. His double standards were outrageous! So, we might still be together if I had had a chance to get "even". I mean, let's put it that way: it would have been EASIER on me. He would have probably had a very hard time tolerating a revenge A on my part, so that might have resulted in the same thing anyways, which is D. BUT what I mean is that it would have helped me tremendously to have some sense of "fairness" back, or a balance, or even ground, or something like that ya know? Anyways......believe it or not, I was so emotionally frazzled at that time, that no man even looked at me. I could've come to work naked and they would have rejected me. This period of my life was hopelessly disappointing on so many levels, lol.

 

I know it's not the solution and I know I sound totally immature (I'm 40), and I know most people on here will shake their heads in disappointment, but I would have totally gone for it if had only had the slightest chance to find some kind of a short-term AP at that time. That's how desperate I was for recreating a balance in my R. Didn't work out. Probably better that way. I wish you good luck, and if you get lucky, let us know how it pans out. I will not advise you against doing it.*

[CantgetoveritNY]

Thank you. Get even sounds good. Restore balance and fairness. Like you I'm not sure my mate would be able to handle that but in a way I don't care. Ready to see. Some one said it would make it worse. How? What is worse than how I feel now? Then again that one person has a good point. Said don't lower yourself to that level.

[Steen719]

Didn't do this, but there is a poster on here, BetrayedH, who did. I hope he sees this and answers it. It did not restore balance.

[ComingInHot]

Cantgetoverit;

I KNOW your pain. And however "good" & "fair" the revenge affair seems ( and I know it does. What kind of a person would that make you? Would you be "proud" of your behavior ( no matter how "justified)? It doesn't sound like you are a cheater so don't become one. I don't have to live w/regret to how I treated my husband and marriage, but when he looks at me, he KNOWS I am the better person (in a sense or w/regards to cheating) and that he is beyond lucky to have someone of my caliber unlike the person he cheated with. He had the option of hitting the road. He did Not want that. I had the option (many times) to get back at him w/other men. I don't want that and I never want to be that person!

 

 

By the way... I'm NO saint and I fully communicate to my husband how and when I am approached w/the "offer" even though I say "NO"... I gotta tell you, that makes me feel good in my own little sadistic way...

[Furious]

Thank you. Get even sounds good. Restore balance and fairness. Like you I'm not sure my mate would be able to handle that but in a way I don't care. Ready to see. Some one said it would make it worse. How? What is worse than how I feel now? Then again that one person has a good point. Said don't lower yourself to that level.

 

Exactly!

 

How can having sex with another woman erase the fact that your wife cheated on you with an unattractive married man who has lots of money?

 

How can having revenge sex erase the fact your wife wanted to leave you for unattractive rich married man?

 

There is no quick fix to the hurt you feel.

 

Explore how YOU really feel, be honest with yourself if you believe she is truly remorseful, and if you can or cannot forgive her. And go from there.

 

Sorry for what you're going through.

[2sure]

It sounds like the only thing your wife enjoys about the marriage is the sex.

Which would explain her looking for emotional fulfillment elsewhere...if that's the case this other guy.

 

It also sounds like you are OK with her being emotionally fulfilled elsewhere as long as it doesn't include sex. The sex is the important part.

 

And that's fine and good...except....your wife came back to you only because This guy wouldn't leave his wife. Good sex or bad...that's what she did. Clearly the sex is way more important to you and she knows this.

 

If you have sex with someone else...her pain will not be like yours...to her, the emotional aspect is whats important.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I guess I don't think she is sorry. Had an intuition. Wanted her to be sorry by making her feel my pain. I told her about this and she seemed really afraid. Like she knew it would hurt a lot. Begged me and threatened me about it

 

This was response to FURIOUS. not sure why but this is not letting me reply normaly to posts.

Edited November 22, 2012 by CantgetoveritNY

[CantgetoveritNY]

It sounds like the only thing your wife enjoys about the marriage is the sex.

Which would explain her looking for emotional fulfillment elsewhere...if that's.. this other guy.

 

It also sounds like you are OK with her being emotionally fulfilled elsewhere as long as it doesn't include sex. The sex is the important part.

 

And that's fine and good...except....your wife came back to you only because This guy wouldn't leave his wife. Good sex or bad...that's what she did. Clearly the sex is way more important to you and she knows this

 

If you have sex with someone else...her pain will not be like yours...to her, the emotional aspect is whats important.

 

It is/was important enough to her that she got upset when I told her what I was thinking. Ver upset. But I think it is a status thing for her. She wants to think she is so hot I would never. If I did she would feel less attractivee. Narcissist. Not love for me.

[ComingInHot]

My husband has similar traits as your Wife w/the having to feel like he is numero no when it comes to me and all other options are a step down...

 

Ergo my driving home the advances of other handsome, successful men And my being above the decision to cheat. I have also made it clear that IF I ever consider responding to "an offer" my husband would be the first to know.

 

My problem is I believe in the vows I took so ultimately I can't cheat regardless. I just can't. I wonder if my husband knows this?

 

I'm so sorry cantgetoverit. I wish I could tell you to do whatever it takes for you to heal but I just can't. I'd be more concerned w/what you would then have to deal with internally from a revenge cheat.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I guess bc I though she was just doing it for attention. I did not think it was serious till she told me. Then I was no longer ok with it and acted out. But nothing drastic like leaving her. Bc as long as she did not have sex with him I thought there was hope for us. Then even after I found out I believed her it was over. I believed her she loved me and wanted to work it out. I believed she told me everything. Came clean. Was sorry.

 

Then tonight I'm using her iPad. I see her browser history. All kinds of stuff about what to do if you were dumped by a MM. How to get your ex back into your life. That kind of thing and lot of it. I snooped some more and see writing from her about how she misses him as if she lost a body part. About how he just cut her off. About how she does not love me. Even, get this, how sex with him was great bc of the love they had and how she misses it. I'm sick. I feel agian like the worlds biggest idiot. She lays in bed with me every morning and night and lies to me. Not one thing I found said anything like what she says to my face. It's hard to know you've been so fooled. I guess the idea of revenge cheating was just my intuition looking for a way out of this sick relationship.

 

I can't scroll up to see the name but some one said she will do this to me agian if I don't leave. And then to the next guy and next. He or she was right. All the tears and remorse I saw in her were fake. She told me that to throw me off the truth. I read tonight she was in such a state of remorse, not for what she did to me but for being duped by the MM She was depressed bc she wanted him back so bad. Not bc she did something awful.

 

She is only with me till she finds another victim. If she doesn't then she will stay but our life would be hell. I'm sick about it but I know now I have to leave. No choice.

[karnak]

What a crazy world we live on.

[Minka333]

A wife who is remorseful should google

-how to regain my husband's trust back

-how to repair my marriage

 

And not

-how to get my ex back

 

I'm sorry but i have to say your wife is just staying because you are there. It is totally unfair for you to be with someone who is still pining for another man. Where is the respect that you deserve? She threw it out the window the moment she opened herself to the MM.

 

You deserve better than this. It is gonna eat you alive. Her appalling behaviour is not fit for somebody to be called a wife.

[BetrayedH]

I think you're past the revenge cheating question here but as one of the other long time posters here mentioned, yeah, I went there. Thought I could bring balance back to the relationship and all that. I could've written a book justifying it as the best idea since sliced bread.

 

The fact is that it didn't work. Furious wrote a great post about why. It doesn't solve much of anything. It certainly gave me a nice temporary ego boost at a time I "needed it" but as far as helping restore your marriage, you'll have to admit that it's pretty twisted thinking to say that ****ing someone else is what's needed to help your marriage.

 

You obviously have a lot to come to grips with and sadly, having your own affair is just going to throw a tank of gasoline on your already burning house.

 

The tough part, I think, is reaching acceptance that your wife checked out of the marriage before her affair began. Emotionally and physically getting involved with another man just solidifies the deal. And when they are caught, they do whatever damage control is necessary to get you to chill out. She got dumped by her MM and will tell you whateve is necessary to stop the rest of the house of cards from falling. She fears public embarrassment. She went all-in with him and now she's left with you.

 

Kick her out. Tell her to go be with her OM.

[meandmyself]

This may come as a bit of a shock but your wife's a liar who went outside the marriage. So that suggests she probably wasn't all that satisfied with the marital sex, she was just lying to you about that. Women become strongly emotionally bonded to men who provide them with great sexual satisfaction. Your wife isn't strongly emotionally bonded to you (an understatement).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By allowing this to occur you seriously destroyed her respect for you and diminished your sexual rank. A real man doesn't knowingly permit his heifer to stray into another man's pasture.

 

I don't think you are being honest with us or yourself here. Surely no half way intelligent person would agree that a romantic affair is "harmless." I suspect you had your own fish frying or were contemplating it--maybe you had your own thing on the side--and figured you'd better give your wife a "pass." True? False?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Again what you just said really makes no sense. You KNEW she was in a romantic affair with this guy so he MUST HAVE BEEN your wife's "type" and he must have been, to her, extremely "attractive." Why would she have an affair with someone who was, to her, unattractive?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obviously you were getting off on this whole thing somehow. Maybe you were ego-tripping at the thought that some other guy was after your wife, and also ego tripping on the mistaken belief that you could allow your wife to "tease" herself knowing that she could never fulfill this particular "fantasy."

 

You played with fire, you willingly allowed her to play with fire, and got burnt. No real surprise there, I hope?

 

You also failed to realize that part of your wife's motivation in having this affair might have been to see if you "cared enough" to get jealous and force her to stop. By letting it happen, she interpreted that as you not caring.

 

 

 

 

 

No, it sounds like you were too smart for your own good, actually. Too "evolved." Someone told you that being a controlling, jealous caveman was "bad" and you believed that feminist crap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She was attracted to him.

 

 

 

 

Your wife quite obviously has NOT been sexually satisfied in your marriage. She had an emotional and sexual affair with what you describe as a physically ugly unattractive man. (Of course maybe he is well-endowed which means he can hit her spots in a way that you can't?)

 

 

 

 

 

When she told you she was thinking of leaving you did you just passively nod at her or something? When the heifer was wandering out of your pasture and you saw that was happening you didn't try to close the gate????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most likely the thrill of a new sexual partner wore off for both of them after a while. Next.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Calling B.S. on this, this is just not possible given the facts you have described. You have described a woman who is behaving as if she is completely unsatisfied both physically and emotionally in the marriage, NOT someone who is at all sexually happy in her marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

She didn't ask you that because she wanted the sex with you, she asked you that from an ego-tripping perspective, i.e., she wanted to know if you were such a beta cuckold that you would willingly debase yourself to still want to put your penis in her defiled vagina after she had openly cuckolded you, then dumped you and married the OM? The incentive to you being that you could possibly reverse-cuckold the OM? She wanted to know if you are totally lacking in any self-respect whatsoever. That's why she asked you that question. Not because she thought she needs you as her sexual go-to guy--as you delusionally want to believe.

 

 

 

 

 

Ugh, disgusting. She's openly treated you like you are a willing cuckold, telling you to your face you are worthy only of sloppy seconds after she effs her OM. She was getting off on the idea of openly cuckolding you, not on the idea of physically having your dick inside of her.

 

If she really wanted your dick inside her that much, no need for an OM at all.

 

 

 

 

Right, she needed you to willingly play the cuckold to satisfy her fetish to cuckold you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She's a cheater and a liar. She effed him many times and then offered you sloppy seconds. Why would you be so willing to believe something that is obviously false, other than to preserve your own ego? Your wife has no reason to eff a guy many times unless she's thoroughly enjoying the sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was MORE enjoyable than her sex with you, that's what you need to admit to yourself.

 

 

 

 

You are delusional if you believe any of the above statements.

 

 

 

 

 

For god's sake if you learn nothing else from all of this, at least start to learn to act like a man, not a small child. It's not a "thing." It's his cock. He put his cock inside of her.

 

 

 

 

She like it on a greater level, not on a lesser level.

 

 

 

 

 

Your inability or (more likely) complete denial/suppression of an honest emotion of anger is a huge part of your problem. That's something that YOU need individual counseling to figure out, the same way you need IC to figure out why it was OK for you for your wife to openly cheat on you in the first place and you did nothing at all about it.

 

You don't get bonus points in this situation for "not being angry" (i.e. you believe yourself to be intellectually evolved beyond "cave man" level).

 

 

 

 

 

...And I think this ties in back to why you let all this play out in the first place. You had at least on a fantasy level a desire to eff other women. So you gave your wife a lot of rope, too much rope as it turns out. You want a free pass to eff other women but you also want to try to ensure that your wife doesn't stray again.

 

This is not about inflicting similar pain on your wife, it's about you wanting to get your rocks off with other women.

 

 

 

 

 

No she's not.

 

 

 

 

It may be humiliating but it wasn't against her values, it was in line with her true values, she's a cheating huss.

 

 

 

 

 

So exciting.

 

 

 

 

No you're not. You're freakin' delusional if you think you are the best lover she ever had. If you were the best lover she ever had you'd have her eating out of your hand, not the other way around. She wouldn't have been so desperate for sexual and emotional satisfaction that she'd be open to banging the first ugly married guy who made himself available to her.

 

 

 

 

 

Hopefully they are not giving you contradictory advice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The starting point for recovery, whether that's going to include your wife in your life in the future or not, is acknowledging that she was not sexually satisfied by you.

 

I couldn't have written it any better! I agree to each point and comma!

[jnel921]

I personally do not believe that to put out a fire more fuel is necessary. Your wife had some serious motives for wanting to be with the MM. Regardless if you believe you were king ding-a-ling in her world.

 

You need to let go of your ego and come back to reality. There are other factors to a successful marriage.

 

I know what I can do in my bedroom and it didn't stop my H from sticking it into someone else and liking it too. Once its said and done they have to figure out why the hell they chose to do it and if wanting to stay makes sense.

 

If she wants to stay because she truly loves you then maybe that is is start. But thinking she'd prefer you in bed over anyone else is ridiculous, you will always have to worry that she is out there comparison shopping.

 

I am sorry you are hurt. These things never feel good and it will take a while to process.

[Cb3657]

When I think about revenge cheating my first thought is that it is not cheating at all, the pact is broken but apon reflection it is clear that that opinion is based on the simple idea that it is over.

You both made commitments, she broke hers, this certainly gives you the right to say " the covenant is broken by you so therefore I am free to do as I please" however if you do both sides of the vow are broken and it likely means so is the marriage.

I will say I think you should exit this marriage ASAP, you have been abused and lied to, your wife is still dating and you are the backup plan.

[road]

When I think about revenge cheating my first thought is that it is not cheating at all, the pact is broken but apon reflection it is clear that that opinion is based on the simple idea that it is over.

You both made commitments, she broke hers, this certainly gives you the right to say " the covenant is broken by you so therefore I am free to do as I please" however if you do both sides of the vow are broken and it likely means so is the marriage.

I will say I think you should exit this marriage ASAP, you have been abused and lied to, your wife is still dating and you are the backup plan.

 

 

Three lefts will make a right turn.

 

No amount of wrongs will turn something right.

[Cb3657]

Maybe I expressed myself poorly how about this

Only go out an sleep with another person if you are 100% sure you never want to be this marriage again and it is over.

Was not condoning I'm saying if it's over you are free and it is no longer revenge it's just getting back out there.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Wow Ducksoup. That is quite a well thought out response. Thanks. Many points well taken and on the mark. Especially about me not being strong enough to dump the cheater at first sight of her going astray. If I'd had the strength to leave her when she started texting him, or even when she said she might leave me for him, either way I'd have avoided being, as you say, a stupid cuckold. I did not. I fooled myself into thinking I could control it. I was wrong and feel like an idiot.

 

One thing I have to disagree with is the whole sexual satisfaction thing. I'm well endowed. The OM is not. She started up with me in the first place for good sex. The OW has seduced her with his personality. I understand that women can have good sex with physically unatractive and even small dick guys if they are emotionally attracted to them. He was working his charms for a long time (I know now I was an idiot to let this happen. So stop beating a dead horse by reminding me agian) so he worked her for a long time to get her pants off but like a lot of women that's not the main point of this affair for her. She likes the emotional attention and the fact he never says no to anything she asks (other than leave his wife) and all the other stuff that two people can do when they only see each other for a couple hours a week or text when no one is looking. She's as much an idiot as me, thinking that she'd be happy with this guy she has spent so little time with. But whatever. She did and does like sex with me better. It's not enough. I know that. Like one of the prevouse posters said, obiously sex is way more important to me than her. Mediocre sex with the OM is good enough since he gives her the other that I can't since we are married and have to live in the real world instead of the fantasy world of infatuation. sure, she likes sex with him. It's great. I get that. Doesn't mean it's not better with me. It's just not that important to her who the sex is better with. My problem is that it is important to me. I married her bc I knew she was good enough that way that I would never need another lover. I never married before bc I never felt I could be faithful to the others.

 

She hasn't seen or talked or texted him in months. But I know it is a ploy of hers to try to get him to leave his wife. Whether or not he does, you are right, she's been done with me for a while. Good sex aside she is going to go sooner or later. Nothing I can do about that. But she tells me she loves me. She ****ks me like we just met. She says she will never betray me agian. It's so hard when I have her in my face saying this stuff, for me to say it is over. I really dont want that. I know I'm being stupid again. I've got to be strong and get out. Seriously. I'm losing mind. When I think of how you and others who know about this would view me I feel sick. I'm weak and pathetic. I know that. I have such self loathing right now you can't imagine. How did I sink to the level of a stupid cuckold who's just continuing to go on like this. I did hire a lawyer and have started divorce but when I'm with her she has the power to make me not want to go through with it.

 

As far as revenge affair though, hell no. That was a stupid passing idea that we were going to work this out. And I did not want her thinking she could do that to me and have no consequences. No, I have no desire to have a revenge affair. I just want out of this hell I feel trapped in. Id have to get abou 10 times the self esteem I have now to get back to where I thought a revenge affair was a good idea. Just kidding. I mean I look back at when I though that would help was a good idea and realize those were better days. I'm really in a much worse place right now

[Furious]

Wow Ducksoup. That is quite a well thought out response. Thanks. Many points well taken and on the mark. Especially about me not being strong enough to dump the cheater at first sight of her going astray. If I'd had the strength to leave her when she started texting him, or even when she said she might leave me for him, either way I'd have avoided being, as you say, a stupid cuckold. I did not. I fooled myself into thinking I could control it. I was wrong and feel like an idiot.

 

One thing I have to disagree with is the whole sexual satisfaction thing. I'm well endowed. The OM is not. She started up with me in the first place for good sex. The OW has seduced her with his personality. I understand that women can have good sex with physically unatractive and even small dick guys if they are emotionally attracted to them. He was working his charms for a long time (I know now I was an idiot to let this happen. So stop beating a dead horse by reminding me agian) so he worked her for a long time to get

 

her pants off but like a lot of women that's not the main point of this affair for her. She likes the emotional attention and the fact he never says no to anything she asks (other than leave his wife) and all the other stuff that two people can do when they only see each other for a couple hours a week or text when no one is looking. She's as much an idiot as me, thinking that she'd be happy with this guy she has spent so little time with. But whatever. She did and does like sex with me better. It's not enough. I know that. Like one of the prevouse posters said, obiously sex is way more important to me than her. Mediocre sex with the OM is good enough since he gives her the other that I can't since we are married and have to live in the real world instead of the fantasy world of infatuation. sure, she likes sex with him. It's great. I get that. Doesn't mean it's not better with me. It's just not that important to her who the sex is better with. My problem is that it is important to me. I married her bc I knew she was good enough that way that I would never need another

lover. I never married before bc I never felt I could be faithful to the others.

 

She hasn't seen or talked or texted him in months. But I know it is a ploy of hers to try to get him to leave his wife. Whether or not he does, you are right, she's been done with me for a while. Good sex aside she is going to go sooner or later. Nothing I can do about that. But she tells me she loves me. She ****ks me like we just met. She says she will never betray me agian. It's so hard when I have her in my face saying this stuff, for me to say it is over. I really dont want that. I know I'm being stupid again. I've got to be strong and

get out. Seriously. I'm losing mind. When I think of how you and others who know about this would view me I feel sick. I'm weak and pathetic. I know that. I have such self loathing right now you can't imagine. How did I sink to the level of a stupid cuckold who's just continuing to go on like this. I did hire a lawyer and have started divorce but when I'm with her she has the power to make me not want to go through with it.

 

As far as revenge affair though, hell no. That was a stupid passing idea that we were going to work this out. And I did not want her thinking she could do that to me and have no consequences. No, I have no desire to have a revenge affair. I just want out of this hell I feel trapped in. Id have to get abou 10

times the self esteem I have now to get back to where I thought a revenge affair was a good idea. Just kidding. I mean I look back at when I though that would help was a good idea and realize those were better days. I'm really in a much worse place right now

 

 

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. You're not weak and pathetic, you're being too hard on yourself. It's normal to feel indecisive and unsure of what you want to do.

There's no rush, give yourself time to decide what's best for you.

 

You've gotten some harsh opinions here by some, and don't let them get to you. Take the good advice and ignore the rest.

 

It's now up to you to take care of yourself, you must be your #1 priority.

Start by getting individual counseling to help you sort through your emotions.

Get your ducks in order, seek legal advice, and know where you stand financially. I also think you should disclose the affair to other man's wife, she deserves to know the truth about her own marriage.

 

Hang in there, you're going to be ok.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

I also think you should disclose the affair to other man's wife, she deserves to know the truth about her own marriage.

 

Hang in there, you're going to be ok.

 

 

I did tell the OM's wife. My really ridiculous own wife told me, before she cheated, that OM had at least 7 affairs that he had been caught in by his wife. So telling the OM wife was not a huge revelation to her. Why does my wife think this guy would not cheat on her? B/c she thinks she is so physically attractive, out of his league, that he would never. What a joke. I know. I feel sorry for her really. To know what is in store for her that she does not see coming.

 

Anyway, I called and told the OM wife and although its happened at least 7 times before, she was incredulous. She called me every name in the book. Asking why I would make up a lie like that. She said I was a coward and would never say such things with her H on the line. hahaha. Then she conference called him in on the line and to my total shock the OM admitted it to his wife! Holy cow did that feel good. He broke down and begged her to forgive him. He groveled and pleaded and told her things I did not yet know about the affair. I still to this day don't know why he would do that with me on the line. That call is the reason my wife broke it off with him and he with her. My wife realized if he was groveling to his wife that he would not leave her. Before that phone call they were still texting even though I had found out about the affair.

 

I have really mixed feelings about this. I see my wife so hurt by the truth that this creep lied to her and fooled her so horribly. I feel bad that she did this to herself. I could have prevented it if like Duck Soup said I'd not put up with her texting him even though I thought it was harmless. So this poor woman has been dragged to the gutter and s**t on. By a monster. When she first found out she was so devastated she laid in bed in a fetal position most of the day for days on end.

 

On the other hand it feels great to know that she knows he was just using her. That he is a liar and a creep. Even though that feeling was short lived. Even though that now that she knows the truth about him she still wants to be with him. Still it feels good to know she know she is going to end up with a dirt bag. A charming dirt bag but none the less a total dirt bag. She is going to be the girl on the side to a dirt bag for a year or so till they are both sick of each other. Crap. Now I don't feel good about it again. I really don't want this woman I've known for so long to sink so low. I really wish something better for her. Way better. Not even me. I just do not want her to go through life like this.

 

I do feel great the creep's wife laid into him. I do hope the creep is suffering. A lot.

 

His wife put a short leash on him too. He has not tried to contact my wife. Either she has a short leash on him or he is afraid I will contact the dental licensing board. My wife IS very attractive and has been hit on more times than I can count but always was able to resist by just not responding. This creep was my kid's dentist and got my wife's mobile number from my kids' dental charts and that is how he got past her natural defenses. He texted her constantly till she broke. I would tell the dental board but I don't want my wife publicly humiliated. I know she is already in a lot of pain and despite what she did to me, I don't hate her and don't wish public humiliation for her. Does anyone reading this think I should tell the dental board? To protect others?

 

Not sure about the "you're going to be ok." I mean I logically know that is or could be true. But I sure don't feel like it right now. I feel like I'm never going to be ok again.

[JamesM]

Wow Ducksoup. That is quite a well thought out response. Thanks. Many points well taken and on the mark.

 

One thing I have to disagree with is the whole sexual satisfaction thing. I'm well endowed. The OM is not. She started up with me in the first place for good sex. The OW has seduced her with his personality. I understand that women can have good sex with physically unatractive and even small dick guys if they are emotionally attracted to them. He was working his charms for a long time

 

I agree. Ducksoup said what I thought quite well.

 

As for sexual satisfaction...women can be satisfied by a man who is small and less attractive if that man can give them physical pleasure. However, it was probably due to his money and the newness of the affair that kept her. Losing him because HE rejected HER is what hurts more than the ending of the affair. If she had ended it, then it would have been easier on her.

 

And if this ugly guy has had that many affairs, then he knows how to charm women. Getting numbers off dental charts may be his MO. I doubt he will quit. He calls women and eventually someone falls for his charms.

 

I won't beat a dead horse, but I did wonder how you could let this romantic affair start under your nose. My guess is that you trusted your wife...and that was your only weakness.

 

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. You're not weak and pathetic, you're being too hard on yourself. It's normal to feel indecisive and unsure of what you want to do.

There's no rush, give yourself time to decide what's best for you.

 

You've gotten some harsh opinions here by some, and don't let them get to you. Take the good advice and ignore the rest.

 

It's now up to you to take care of yourself, you must be your #1 priority.

Start by getting individual counseling to help you sort through your emotions.

Get your ducks in order, seek legal advice, and know where you stand financially. I also think you should disclose the affair to other man's wife, she deserves to know the truth about her own marriage.

 

Hang in there, you're going to be ok.

 

Well said.

 

You are not pathetic and weak. You were simply a trusting husband. This is a good quality, and it will serve you well in the future.

[Furious]

I did tell the OM's wife. My really ridiculous own wife told me, before she cheated, that OM had at least 7 affairs that he had been caught in by his wife. So telling the OM wife was not a huge revelation to her. Why does my wife think this guy would not cheat on her? B/c she thinks she is so physically attractive, out of his league, that he would never. What a joke. I know. I feel sorry for her really. To know what is in store for her that she does not see coming.

 

Anyway, I called and told the OM wife and although its happened at least 7 times before, she was incredulous. She called me every name in the book. Asking why I would make up a lie like that. She said I was a coward and would never say such things with her H on the line. hahaha. Then she conference called him in on the line and to my total shock the OM admitted it to his wife! Holy cow did that feel good. He broke down and begged her to forgive him. He groveled and pleaded and told her things I did not yet know

about the affair. I still to this day don't know why he would do that with me on the line. That call is the reason my wife broke it off with him and he with her. My wife realized if he was groveling to his wife that he would not leave her. Before that phone call they were still texting even though I had found out about the affair.

 

I have really mixed feelings about this. I see my wife so hurt by the truth that this creep lied to her and fooled her so horribly. I feel bad that she did this to herself. I could have prevented it if like Duck Soup said I'd not put up

with her texting him even though I thought it was harmless. So this poor woman has been dragged to the gutter and s**t on. By a monster. When she first found out she was so devastated she laid in bed in a fetal position most of the day for days on end.

 

On the other hand it feels great to know that she knows he was just using her. That he is a liar and a creep. Even though that feeling was short lived. Even though that now that she knows the truth about him she still wants to be with him. Still it feels good to know she know she is going to end up with a dirt bag. A charming dirt bag but none the less a total dirt bag. She is going to be the girl on the side to a dirt bag for a year or so till they are both sick of

each other. Crap. Now I don't feel good about it again. I really don't want this woman I've known for so long to sink so low. I really wish something better for her. Way better. Not even me. I just do not want her to go through life like this.

 

I do feel great the creep's wife laid into him. I do hope the creep is suffering. A lot.

 

His wife put a short leash on him too. He has not tried to contact my wife. Either she has a short leash on him or he is afraid I will contact the dental licensing board. My wife IS very attractive and has been hit on more times

than I can count but always was able to resist by just not responding. This creep was my kid's dentist and got my wife's mobile number from my kids' dental charts and that is how he got past her natural defenses. He texted her constantly till she broke. I would tell the dental board but I don't want my wife publicly humiliated. I know she is already in a lot of pain and despite what she did to me, I don't hate her and don't wish public humiliation for her. Does anyone reading this think I should tell the dental board? To protect others?

 

Not sure about the "you're going to be ok." I mean I logically know that is or could be true. But I sure don't feel like it right now. I feel like I'm never going to be ok again.

 

 

 

You did the right thing by informing the OM's wife. You've shown courage in giving the OM's wife the truth and it also showed your wife the truth about the MM when he threw her under the bus.

 

I worry that your wife is taking advantage of you, she really needs to see that you're not going to be her support system while she cries over another man while breaking your heart. It seems it's all about her pain and your pain is secondary.

 

I truly believe that sending a wayward spouse packing is the only way to really wake them up. As much as it hurts letting them go, it's the only way to protect yourself from her manipulation and restores your self respect.

 

When she's out of the house, she will either wake up to the loss of you, or you will have your answer as to whether she is truly remorseful and finally gets what she's done.

 

The sooner you fight for yourself the sooner you can make the decisions that are best for you. It's takes time to get back on your feet, but in the future you will be ok...because that will be your goal.