OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Just last Monday he, without his ring for once, had taken me out to dinner as was our typical routine. He ended the night by wrapped me up in a bear hug in the parking lot and giving me a kiss, saying how happy he was to finally be able to do that without hiding. Two days later, gone. Now this past Monday I walked outside with a faint glimmer of hope that his car would be there...nope. I cried the entire hour and a half home. WHY did I have any question? Today is 1 week NC, and the minutes have gone by so slow. I won't break NC, but I'm dealing with the fact that I urgently want to. I'm looking forward to time with friends and family these next few days, but I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down without warning. All of the strength I've had this past week feels like it's gone out the window. I guess I just have to accept that this takes time. For everyone with wounds that are still fresh, how are you all coping? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 At one week of NC there's no coping. You simply survive and go through the pain. Are you experiencing crying spells? Those sucked the life out of me. You'll notice an improvement after the one month mark. There's no pill, I'm sorry. Just go with it, and know why you are NC. Don't let him come back and charm you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 Yes, crying fits all over the place -- the person in the car next to me at the stoplight this morning must have thought I was crazy. I rotate between being realistic and telling myself ridiculous stories of how this is going to play out. Especially with when I meet with his BW in a couple weeks. I hope she's strong and tells me off, because I don't want to get any more of those bits of hope. But if she seems like she's questioning things, I need to be strong for myself. In the spirit on Thanksgiving, I'm very thankful I found this board. I needed an outlet so badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 A month? I guess that's in sight, at least. Hopefully Christmas will be a little easier than this one will be. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 What are your reasons for meeting with the wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 After this last ending I wrote her an apology and offered my number if she wanted to talk it out. She said thank you and asked if we could meet up instead after the holiday. So 12 days from now, in a restaurant. And I have no idea what to expect. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I know that from the other thread. My question was why? What are your reasons for saying yes to her request? Why are you okay with her setting the timeline? Are you doing it for her? For you? How do you think it will go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 I guess I'm mostly doing it so I know for sure that she knows everything if she wants to ask questions. So that they can both be 100% in knowing what they're getting into together. Maybe it's crazy, but I also want to give her a copy of Not Just Friends because that book really points how he and I got to this place, and it seems like it would be some good rebuilding material for their M if they read it and discussed together. Yes, I still wish he chose the other path. But if he's really sincere in wanting to work it out between them, I wish them both well in that and hope they have all the tools. The other part is me owning up to my mistakes. I think getting to know her in person will really make the empathy hit home, and I also want her to see in my eyes that I'm truly staying away. I think it'll help me never repeat this mistake and forgive myself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 when you say bits of hope, hope for what? You can do the what if game til you're sick. I don't suggest that. Should you meet w/her try to see her pain through your own. Maybe hope to come out of this forgiven by her AND yourself. I can feel your pain through your posts and I am sorry you're hurting. I truly hope for peace at some point for all of you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 when you say bits of hope, hope for what? You can do the what if game til you're sick. I don't suggest that. Should you meet w/her try to see her pain through your own. Maybe hope to come out of this forgiven by her AND yourself. I can feel your pain through your posts and I am sorry you're hurting. I truly hope for peace at some point for all of you... I guess bits of hope that they both think that it's not going to work out. That they can give it their best shot (as I suggested to him often that he should do) but free each other at the end if that's not what's ultimately right for them both. Yeah, that's my what if's again. You're right, they are going to make me sick. I know I need to get on with my life. I guess ultimately I'm hoping for closure. I didn't get it with him, so I'm hoping meeting with her will help me see that this is really for the best for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 clllloooossssuuurrre... I actually have learned to detest that term as having experienced being "impacted" by an A, the only "closure" I am going to get is from myself moving on. Which I am successfully doing* OR if one of them dies... just kidding... kind of... lol : Sincerely though, the ending to this chapter is NOT the ending to your story. You actually sound well pretty great so I'm rootting for you. (To move on that is, get to the next adventure in your story where YOU are the heroine!!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 clllloooossssuuurrre... I actually have learned to detest that term as having experienced being "impacted" by an A, the only "closure" I am going to get is from myself moving on. Which I am successfully doing* OR if one of them dies... just kidding... kind of... lol : Sincerely though, the ending to this chapter is NOT the ending to your story. You actually sound well pretty great so I'm rootting for you. (To move on that is, get to the next adventure in your story where YOU are the heroine!!) Alright, not closure so much as that aha moment where it really hits home. I'm looking forward to it, whether it's with her or on my own with time. Sounds like the start of a good first chapter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 Point taken, HF. I'll forget about the book and will leave it up to them and their counselor to work that all out. He never said anything bad about his W. He talked about personality differences, different interests/priorities and their struggles with communicating and connecting for many years, but he never once knocked her. I hope that'll be the same the other way around, but I guess we'll see. I know she'll hate me and will belittle me to her heart's content -- I accept that. But she asked for this so I'm in. I know l'll still have guilt, but I'm owning my part of these mistakes and I truly believe that will help with forgiveness (self- or otherwise) in time. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 The wife will need to at least pity you, if not more to be able to process the affair and forgive her hubby. Even if she'll be sweet, nice and understanding with you, it will be to get information out of you. You are on very opposing teams. Do not give her any book, do not give her any opinions on her M. At best she will find it annoying. She has her own opinion about her M and she'll launder it through whatever MC she sees fit to normalize her life. My suggestion is that you don't look for anything from the BW. She has nothing to offer you. If you want to answer her questions, do it by email or phone. Link to post Share on other sites
definitelymaybe Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 For everyone with wounds that are still fresh, how are you all coping? Take it one day at a time. You are gonna go thru so many different kinda emotions. there will be days when you wake up, feeling miserable, depressed, missing him so much that you will try and convince yourself that no harm could come from one text message to him....... When that happens, just text anyone but him! Everything is going to remind you of him. a song on the radio, the dress you wear when you first met him, .... seeing his fav magazine at the bookstore..etc... I know I cant just let go and move on like nothing ever happen, I still think about him but I don't want to allow myself to be thinking about him all day. SO, I tell myself that I will only do it when I work out at gym. That's the only time I allow myself to mope. Other times of the day, when he comes up in mind, i will tell myself, "no, its not time to mope yet". I think the trick is to try and limit how much space he takes up in your head and heart. Now he only gets an hour .... soon .... i hope, I wont even want think about him anymore. Oncemorewithfeeling, i wish you the best of luck and stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 I applaud your willingness to meet up with the wife and tell your side of the story. My D's XH had 2 different OW(at the same time), they both contacted her and provided her with all the evidence to support their claims. Her H had been lying to her about everything! She immediately kicked him out and filed for divorce. She will forever be grateful to both of them for providing her with all evidence so she could make a decision about her marriage based on the whole truth of the situation. The book mentioned"not just friends", is excellent in describing the slippery slope that eventually leads to an affair. It is about the importance of having good boundaries in the future, so as not to repeat the same behaviors. Most of your posts talk about the BW's actions during her marriage.But the WS is in the same marriage and is just as responsible for voicing his discontent and actively trying to fix any problems. But it is still not an excuse to cheat. Get a divorce if your so unhappy with your marriage. Not every MM that cheats has a bad marriage, some just make up lies to the OW in order to gain her attention.Most FOW only find this out after a d-day or after the affair is over with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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