Need Help

[Ann]

First of all, I'm 25 years old, so I've been around long enough to know what I want in a guy and what I expect in a relationship. At least I think so. Anyway, I think I've found him, but there's a problem.

 

This guy is actually one of my close friends, and has been for a couple of years. A while back, it just sort of hit me that I was seriously falling for him, and it really shocked (and scared) me.

 

It took a while, but I finally told him how I felt. He was surprised, but gradually warmed up to the idea of us entering a relationship. I was so happy! But then he cooled off. He's told me he's not ready to do this.

 

So what do I do? He still calls me to "hang out" and I still see him every weekend. He's told me that I'm pretty much the only person that he ever spends time with. Every time I see him, my hopes go up. But nothing is happening. And to make it harder, he knows how I feel. It's kind of awkward now.

 

What do I do? If I were the one giving advice, I'd say, forget him and move on... but I don't think I can. He's one of my best friends, and I've never felt this way about anyone, and I know i mean something to him.

 

I guess I just wonder, why would he continue to want to spend time with me, if he didn't want this to go anywhere? It's slowly killing me! What do I do?

[Tony T]

There are dozens of possible answers to your question. But my guess is, having been there, he's just not ready. He very well may feel like you are the lady he wants to spend the rest of his life with and that may terrify him just a bit. He needs time to get to the place he needs to be to take that giant leap. He needs time.

 

It's pretty obvious he cares about you. To many men, love is damned scary. It's even more scary for him with you because he has been your friend and has seen you in all kinds of circumstances and he still loves and cares about you. That would make him pretty sure about you. As a matter of fact, there is no better way to fall in love. That chemical crap that happens so quickly feels real good but it is never a substitute for starting out as friends and working from there.

 

I think it would devastate him if you told him you were going to start dating someone. At some point in time, maybe that's the strategy you ought to use to get him to make a move. Meanwhile, be together, have fun, enjoy...and let things progress. You have to decide just how much more time you need this to go on the way it is.

 

I also think you ought to inject an ingredient of challenge into the scenario. Back off just a bit, don't spend quite as much time with him, don't return all of his calls right away...when he asks you to do something, don't always be available. Make some of your calls short...tell him you have some other calls to make. You have my unconditional guarantee that if you do all this, the romantic juices will begin to freely flow from his direction. People tend to take for granted that which is readily available...and place more value on the elusive.

 

Yeah, it may be a game. If you don't want to play it, don't. But you asked what to do and I'm telling you, THIS WILL WORK. Don't be there all the time!!! But be very cool and nice when you tell him you have plans, you are busy, you are going shopping, or whatever...just be matter of fact. When you do this, let him know some other day when you're free. Let him wonder what else you've got going on...but don't be specific about your other plans and don't tell him outright. Let it be clear that there is more to your life than him.

 

Invite us to the wedding!!!

[Deejette]

He may be afraid that it is getting too serious and that you will have expectations of getting engaged or otherwise committed. There is nothing you can do about that but give him time to realize what his feelings are.

 

He may be worried that getting too serious may ruin the great friendship that you do have and then he would lose you altogether. A romantic relationship can bring out so many more insecurities than a friendship where you pal around together and everything is free and easy.

 

There are dozens of possible answers to your question. But my guess is, having been there, he's just not ready. He very well may feel like you are the lady he wants to spend the rest of his life with and that may terrify him just a bit. He needs time to get to the place he needs to be to take that giant leap. He needs time.

 

It's pretty obvious he cares about you. To many men, love is damned scary. It's even more scary for him with you because he has been your friend and has seen you in all kinds of circumstances and he still loves and cares about you. That would make him pretty sure about you. As a matter of fact, there is no better way to fall in love. That chemical crap that happens so quickly feels real good but it is never a substitute for starting out as friends and working from there. I think it would devastate him if you told him you were going to start dating someone. At some point in time, maybe that's the strategy you ought to use to get him to make a move. Meanwhile, be together, have fun, enjoy...and let things progress. You have to decide just how much more time you need this to go on the way it is. I also think you ought to inject an ingredient of challenge into the scenario. Back off just a bit, don't spend quite as much time with him, don't return all of his calls right away...when he asks you to do something, don't always be available. Make some of your calls short...tell him you have some other calls to make. You have my unconditional guarantee that if you do all this, the romantic juices will begin to freely flow from his direction. People tend to take for granted that which is readily available...and place more value on the elusive. Yeah, it may be a game. If you don't want to play it, don't. But you asked what to do and I'm telling you, THIS WILL WORK. Don't be there all the time!!! But be very cool and nice when you tell him you have plans, you are busy, you are going shopping, or whatever...just be matter of fact. When you do this, let him know some other day when you're free. Let him wonder what else you've got going on...but don't be specific about your other plans and don't tell him outright. Let it be clear that there is more to your life than him. Invite us to the wedding!!!

[Ann]

Wow, Tony! Thanks so much! I think you really hit the nail on the head. It's funny how you can be totally lost in a situation, but when someone gives you a fresh perspective on things, it really hits you.

 

Reading what you said, a lot of things made sense, so I'm going to back off a little. I think this will help me feel better about myself too.

 

Thanks for taking the time, and giving me a guy's perspective!

[Rina]

You're great

Wow, Tony! Thanks so much! I think you really hit the nail on the head. It's funny how you can be totally lost in a situation, but when someone gives you a fresh perspective on things, it really hits you. Reading what you said, a lot of things made sense, so I'm going to back off a little. I think this will help me feel better about myself too.

 

Thanks for taking the time, and giving me a guy's perspective!

[R]

d

First of all, I'm 25 years old, so I've been around long enough to know what I want in a guy and what I expect in a relationship. At least I think so. Anyway, I think I've found him, but there's a problem. This guy is actually one of my close friends, and has been for a couple of years. A while back, it just sort of hit me that I was seriously falling for him, and it really shocked (and scared) me.

 

It took a while, but I finally told him how I felt. He was surprised, but gradually warmed up to the idea of us entering a relationship. I was so happy! But then he cooled off. He's told me he's not ready to do this. So what do I do? He still calls me to "hang out" and I still see him every weekend. He's told me that I'm pretty much the only person that he ever spends time with. Every time I see him, my hopes go up. But nothing is happening. And to make it harder, he knows how I feel. It's kind of awkward now. What do I do? If I were the one giving advice, I'd say, forget him and move on... but I don't think I can. He's one of my best friends, and I've never felt this way about anyone, and I know i mean something to him. I guess I just wonder, why would he continue to want to spend time with me, if he didn't want this to go anywhere? It's slowly killing me! What do I do?

[Ron]

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