Sharloh Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 (edited) My ex and I divorced about 2 years ago and we were only married for 2 and 1/2 years. I was his 3rd wife. We have a 3-year-old daughter together. We divorced because he has too many issues and his family dynamics were dysfunctional. He is the one who initiated the divorce when our baby was only 5 and 1/2 months old. I moved out over 2 years ago. The first year I moved out he was very nasty, angry and bitter towards me because he had to pay child support and alimony. Sometime late that year we would casually flirt through texts but nothing in person. Last year on Thanksgiving, he brought up the fact that he and I should "date" and that he has been thinking about it for a while. Of course dating would be sex. He wanted to have this virtual relationship with him living in his house and I in mine and we date one another, but not with the intent of getting back together. I think it's because he wanted to get laid. He never made amends for what he put me through nor did he show any remorse or apologies. The only thing he said was he did think that maybe he jumped too soon with this divorce thing and he thinks I'm great and that he just doesn't have the kinda personality to last with anyone long term. He also said that he will always have feelings for me because I'm the mother of his daughter. I told him I was not interested in having sex with him because I am not a piece of meat and I have my dignity and will not be treated this way. In January he took me to a nice dinner. We just kissed, nothing else. He wanted to do that again even though we didn't but we had many days where he, our daughter and I had "family day" and hung out with her. He and I got along exceptionally well. Several months ago I brought up this guy who he's always been jealous of and it hurt him because he said "it brought back memories"...and that he still has feelings for me. Some time this past summer, he started acting a bit distant and wasn't really complimentary as he always is. When I'd see him, somehow he would be on his phone texting, or a text would come through. I had a feeling it couldn't be some dude texting so I thought maybe it was a girl. He never said anything. Whenever my daughter would be sick, he would always send me texts saying, "Thank you for taking such good care of our daughter." And, "You're a good mommy to her, she's so lucky to have you." So this is a given. Anyway, over a month ago, we had a family day where we took our daughter to the pumpkin patch. The plan was to just go to the patch. We were there having a great time, he was flirting with me, complimenting me on my hair, telling me how much he likes it and how I shouldn't cut it. He also ran his fingers through it. He then offered to take me to lunch so we went. It was great. A week later, I found out through my daughter that he had met someone and had brought her around my daughter. When I confronted him, he copped to it. I was angry because he brought this chick around my kid. And I haven't dated anybody. Just been focusing on doing the right thing, going back to school, etc. When I found out about her, I was a bit confused because of his demeanor towards me. He hadn't changed and wasn't acting like a man who was seeing somebody. That was the confusing part which I couldn't put my finger on. The day after we went to patch, apparently he had taken my daughter to this new chick's niece's birthday party. He never told me about her, which I thought would have the right thing to do. He didn't have to take me to lunch that day if he was seeing somebody and I doubt that he told her about it. But he was not acting like a man who was involved with a woman. He was the same guy that has always been with me. The lunch and compliments were all him. He didn't have to do all that but he did. I never asked him. So if he was seeing somebody, why would he spend this time with me?? At times he can be a jerk and at times he's very sweet. After I found out about this new chick, I was hurt so I was very short and business like with him for about 2 weeks. I stopped calling and texting him. Then our daughter got really sick so that brought us back to speaking terms and again he started getting soft in his text messages. At this point he knows that I know about her, but he started being nice to me again with his texts. Why do guys do this? He obviously hid her from me and didn't say anything and wanted to continue things the way they were. Why would he not tell me that he met somebody?? I think the right thing would've been, 'I met somebody so I don't think it would be appropriate to have these family days with our kid. I can take our kid on my own time.'...but he didn't say this and he made me think he was single. If I was to be involved with some guy, I wouldn't go and hang out with my ex. Therefore, I don't get why he didn't mention her. Also, the week our daughter was sick, he was being very nice and for the first time he offered to come over and see her even though he wasn't planning on taking her. He came over Tuesday and Thursday and hung out for about 30 minutes. He was just different. He was sending me texts that were about how wonderful of a mother I am and so on. This is the weird part: Saturday morning, I get this feeling that I should look at his FB page and an hour before I looked at it, his recent activity said that he had like this page about sad love quotes and the quote he specifically liked was, "It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when it's everything you want." This is so weird. Not sure what's going on with him but I have a feeling that he still has this other chick around but not sure what this quote means. Sorry if this was long, but it's my first time posting. Edited November 22, 2012 by Sharloh Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 There certainly are a lot of mixed messages there. What stands out to me and should to you too, is the message that isn't there though. He never made amends for what he put me through nor did he show any remorse or apologies. He may very well be having some second thoughts, but if hes still riding the fence then there's no telling what his intentions are. Thats on him to make perfectly clear, you deserve that. I don't think whats gnawing at you is solely the meaning behind his actions though, I think its more what you have been hoping the meaning would be. My advice would be to set a clear boundary with him, next time he decides he wants to flirt, shut him down and remind him that he is seeing someone. His reaction should tell you all you need to know. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharloh Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 (edited) When you say, "I don't think whats gnawing at you is solely the meaning behind his actions though, I think its more what you have been hoping the meaning would be."...what do you mean?? I'll say this...YES, he has hurt me tremendously. He broke my heart with this whole divorce thing. I loved that man so much. My first true love and so you can imagine how I musta felt. I guess I just don't know why he would hide her a secret from me and pay me these compliments and everything if he's been seeing her. His demeanor did not change since he's met her. That's what I can't figure out. He tells me I'm beautiful, etc. Why would he say all this even after he's met somebody?? Oh and here's another thing, he isn't saying no when I tell him that there is an event for our daughter if he would like to go. Again, he's not telling me that he's seeing someone and that it would be inappropriate to go with me. Edited November 22, 2012 by Sharloh Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 When you say, "I don't think whats gnawing at you is solely the meaning behind his actions though, I think its more what you have been hoping the meaning would be."...what do you mean?? I mean it just like it sounds. Your trying very hard to interpret his actions that he has been leaving intentionally murky. From the sound of your story (to my mind anyway) it sounds like you are thinking about the possibility of giving things another chance... if he could be clearer with his intentions. I'll say this...YES, he has hurt me tremendously. He broke my heart with this whole divorce thing. I loved that man so much. My first true love and so you can imagine how I musta felt. I guess I just don't know why he would hide her a secret from me and pay me these compliments and everything if he's been seeing her. His demeanor did not change since he's met her. That's what I can't figure out. He tells me I'm beautiful, etc. Why would he say all this even after he's met somebody?? Oh and here's another thing, he isn't saying no when I tell him that there is an event for our daughter if he would like to go. Again, he's not telling me that he's seeing someone and that it would be inappropriate to go with me. Don't really know enough to interpret his actions just based on what has been written here. There are many possibilities for him carrying on like this, ranging anywhere from you just misreading his actions to him trying to have his cake and eat it too with two ladies. Those are the two extremes though and there are countless more benign possibilities spread between them. A few come to mind but it is not wise to speculate after only one or two posts. You have obviously been giving it a great deal of thought, what conclusions have you come to so far? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 My ex and I divorced about 2 years ago and we were only married for 2 and 1/2 years. I was his 3rd wife. We have a 3-year-old daughter together. We divorced because he has too many issues and his family dynamics were dysfunctional. He is the one who initiated the divorce when our baby was only 5 and 1/2 months old. I moved out over 2 years ago. The first year I moved out he was very nasty, angry and bitter towards me because he had to pay child support and alimony. Sometime late that year we would casually flirt through texts but nothing in person. Last year on Thanksgiving, he brought up the fact that he and I should "date" and that he has been thinking about it for a while. Of course dating would be sex. He wanted to have this virtual relationship with him living in his house and I in mine and we date one another, but not with the intent of getting back together. I think it's because he wanted to get laid. He never made amends for what he put me through nor did he show any remorse or apologies. The only thing he said was he did think that maybe he jumped too soon with this divorce thing and he thinks I'm great and that he just doesn't have the kinda personality to last with anyone long term. He also said that he will always have feelings for me because I'm the mother of his daughter. I told him I was not interested in having sex with him because I am not a piece of meat and I have my dignity and will not be treated this way. In January he took me to a nice dinner. We just kissed, nothing else. He wanted to do that again even though we didn't but we had many days where he, our daughter and I had "family day" and hung out with her. He and I got along exceptionally well. Several months ago I brought up this guy who he's always been jealous of and it hurt him because he said "it brought back memories"...and that he still has feelings for me. Some time this past summer, he started acting a bit distant and wasn't really complimentary as he always is. When I'd see him, somehow he would be on his phone texting, or a text would come through. I had a feeling it couldn't be some dude texting so I thought maybe it was a girl. He never said anything. Whenever my daughter would be sick, he would always send me texts saying, "Thank you for taking such good care of our daughter." And, "You're a good mommy to her, she's so lucky to have you." So this is a given. Anyway, over a month ago, we had a family day where we took our daughter to the pumpkin patch. The plan was to just go to the patch. We were there having a great time, he was flirting with me, complimenting me on my hair, telling me how much he likes it and how I shouldn't cut it. He also ran his fingers through it. He then offered to take me to lunch so we went. It was great. A week later, I found out through my daughter that he had met someone and had brought her around my daughter. When I confronted him, he copped to it. I was angry because he brought this chick around my kid. And I haven't dated anybody. Just been focusing on doing the right thing, going back to school, etc. When I found out about her, I was a bit confused because of his demeanor towards me. He hadn't changed and wasn't acting like a man who was seeing somebody. That was the confusing part which I couldn't put my finger on. The day after we went to patch, apparently he had taken my daughter to this new chick's niece's birthday party. He never told me about her, which I thought would have the right thing to do. He didn't have to take me to lunch that day if he was seeing somebody and I doubt that he told her about it. But he was not acting like a man who was involved with a woman. He was the same guy that has always been with me. The lunch and compliments were all him. He didn't have to do all that but he did. I never asked him. So if he was seeing somebody, why would he spend this time with me?? At times he can be a jerk and at times he's very sweet. After I found out about this new chick, I was hurt so I was very short and business like with him for about 2 weeks. I stopped calling and texting him. Then our daughter got really sick so that brought us back to speaking terms and again he started getting soft in his text messages. At this point he knows that I know about her, but he started being nice to me again with his texts. Why do guys do this? He obviously hid her from me and didn't say anything and wanted to continue things the way they were. Why would he not tell me that he met somebody?? I think the right thing would've been, 'I met somebody so I don't think it would be appropriate to have these family days with our kid. I can take our kid on my own time.'...but he didn't say this and he made me think he was single. If I was to be involved with some guy, I wouldn't go and hang out with my ex. Therefore, I don't get why he didn't mention her. Also, the week our daughter was sick, he was being very nice and for the first time he offered to come over and see her even though he wasn't planning on taking her. He came over Tuesday and Thursday and hung out for about 30 minutes. He was just different. He was sending me texts that were about how wonderful of a mother I am and so on. This is the weird part: Saturday morning, I get this feeling that I should look at his FB page and an hour before I looked at it, his recent activity said that he had like this page about sad love quotes and the quote he specifically liked was, "It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when it's everything you want." This is so weird. Not sure what's going on with him but I have a feeling that he still has this other chick around but not sure what this quote means. Sorry if this was long, but it's my first time posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharloh Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 Tojaz, he is a difficult guy to read. That's the problem. He doesn't come right out and say what he needs to say. Instead, he does these sort of things which I mentioned. His acts are pretty much straight forward. So it's not like I'm misinterpreting anything like you thought I am. Telling me I look sexy, beautiful, hot and being forward in this aspect....what's there to misinterpret here? Taking me out to lunch was another forward move, touching my hair, taking pictures with me, telling me how much he loves my hair and how I shouldn't cut it cuz HE likes it so much. See, it's not like he's giving so much of a "grey" area...these acts are clearly back and white. He comes out and says and does these things, but doesn't express the intention behind it leaving me with this mixed message feeling. Especially since he's been seeing somebody. Which is why asked you, why didn't he just come out and tell me? If anything, I feel bad for her. There are too many long list of things to get into, but the short version is....I wouldn't necessarily get back together with him. I love him because he's the father of my kid and I deeply cared about him, but I can't be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharloh Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 Yes, you're right. Good choice of words. He DOES leave it "intentionally murky". To me, he shouldn't be talking nor acting the way he has been if he has somebody. I know I wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharloh Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 Here is something I can think of....maybe he isn't ready to fully let go of me??? He knows that we are done and divorced but perhaps wants to still keep me at that level, so to say, because it makes him feel good. Maybe he still has feelings for me like he told me several months back and I know he's very attracted to me. He has never been the type of guy that's good with his communication. He's the type that "shuts down" instead of talking about things. He's always ran away from problems. He obviously didn't tell me about her because he didn't want me to know. The question is: why? He kept it a secret and did the things he did with me. Who knows what his intentions are with her or with me for that matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 MY interpetion of this is that he's emotionally immature at best ~ but at its worse? He's playing you and the OW. That is to say that he wants his cake and eat it to! Or to put it another way? I want to keep stringing you along until I'm SURE that there's NO ONE else better out there, and if not then I have the OPTION of reeling you back in. Time to move on and forward in and with your life. Forget this clown! Life is just too damn short! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharloh Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 Yes, maybe so. Who really knows with him. But you have a point there. It could be that he's just testing the waters with her. Too bad I'm not meeting anybody new...it'd be great to get over this one. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 There are too many long list of things to get into, but the short version is....I wouldn't necessarily get back together with him. I love him because he's the father of my kid and I deeply cared about him, but I can't be with him. If the above is 100% true then the his intentions really do not matter. You have complete control over how long it goes on. Here is something I can think of....maybe he isn't ready to fully let go of me??? Thats a solid possibility, he could be hedging his bets in case things don't work out like Gunny said, he may just enjoy the fact that he can still get a response from you like that so he continues to test the boundaries so he can check his grip. Regardless, the above remains true and the advice remains the same. Set boundaries that work for you and stick to them when he tries to cross. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Yes, maybe so. Who really knows with him. But you have a point there. It could be that he's just testing the waters with her. Too bad I'm not meeting anybody new...it'd be great to get over this one. hiya Sharloh What gunny said was spot on. Having said that in bold. Totally agree. there`s no better way of getting over someone than getting under someone else ( so the saying goes) But thats just a short term `fix` Unless you address what went wrong and how to never make the same mistake again, then you will make the same mistake again. I`m rambling, sorry i`ll shut up aM Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 He would love to have a girlfriend and have occassional sex with you, too. He's trying to see if you're up for that. You keep having lunches and accepting his advances so he's going to keep making the attempt. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Sweetie, you are divorced. He let go. Now you need to let go. You are just over analyzing and speculating. He is not over the fence (i.e., you are divorced, he's seeing someone else). When he pays you a compliment, it only means he wants to bed you, and you've put yourself in a position to be prodded into a bedding situation. Now wakey, wakey. Here is the bad news. Stop all contact with your divorced husband. It is over. That is why it is called DIVORCE. I'm sorry to be so frank, and I know someone out there will call me an a-hole - but this is just the reality you need to face darling. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
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