Leaving a "happy" marriage... do I have enough reasons?

[shallow]

I need some insight. I am not in a miserable marriage, but I want out. My husband and I dated for a year, were engaged for a year, and have been married for just over four years.

 

- We will have a huge fight once or twice a month, where we cuss at each other, threaten divorce, and yell. The huge fights have been going on since BEFORE we got engaged. We argue a few times a week or more, and in most situations, I give in because he is very stubborn. I realized early on in our relationship that I always apologize, even if I think I am not in the wrong. I could probably count the times he's apologized on two hands. These fights and arguments are done in front of our children (3 and 1) and are becoming very stressful for our 3yo. They have not gotten better, and sometimes are worse.

 

- From the beginning of our relationship, I have felt like whenever I am talking to him about how I feel about something (the kids stressing me out, our financial situation) he tells me I'm complaining. I feel like he never listens and empathizes.

 

- He is controlling and manipulative. Sometimes he threatens to do outrageous things so that I will give him his way.

 

- He lies about little things. I don't know why. It seems mainly, to prove a point, but I have often had my intuition go off about certain things that I never fully investigated. He has always told me he was a head chef at a restaurant before we met, and I've never really believed him. Last week he lied about where he got his hair cut. Why?? I have no idea.

 

- He has made my family uncomfortable from the beginning (mom, stepdad, stepmom, grandfather, and best friend). My mother and best friend are in full support of me wanting to leave. He playfully goes through drawers and purses, is purposefully awkward and says really inappropriate things, and gets in people's personal space. Last week he kept play-punching my 14-year-old sister in the stomach. To me, that is a hands-off area. That would make me REALLY uncomfortable if another man touched my stomach, even playfully.

 

- He is unprofessional and immature and is NEVER wrong. We used to do photography together and had a bad wedding experience, and long story short, the photos turned out horrible, the bride wrote a nasty blog post about it. He wrote all the commenters on her blog, making the bride look bad. Of course, the bride emailed me, livid. I was so humiliated. He refused to refund the bride's money, even though I begged him to do this. I knew it was the right thing to do. Three years later, this situation still bothers me. (If I end up leaving him, I will refund her money.) Another situation where he was unprofessional and deceitful is when he was fired from a worship leader position at a church. He hacked into the pastor's Facebook account and kept a key to the building in case he needed to "break in" to get anything he may have forgotten. I couldn't believe he would take such measures. He seems to lack in morale. I am an extremely honest person, so this really bothers me.

 

- He is lazy and was out of work for nearly 2 years after he lost this job, working a once a week gig at another church, making $600 a month, barely enough to cover rent at the time. (Now he has been working for almost a year at one job, and does work hard to provide for us.) When I was pregnant, I had debilitating morning sickness, but he would never get up with our toddler in the mornings even though he wasn't working. He would always sleep in late while I had to get up, throw up, and then make breakfast for our son. When my daughter was born, he cleaned up around the house for a week when people were coming over with meals, but after that he simply refused to do the dishes, vacuum, sweet, anything... even though he didn't have a job!

 

- He refuses to help with the kids -- he has always refused to help out in the middle of the night when our children were infants -- he helped a few nights here and there with our son, but I had to beg him and we fought so many times than by the time our daughter was born, I just didn't ask anymore. He hardly ever changes a diaper, gets them dressed, bathes them, makes them meals, etc. When he does, it's usually because I've begged for his help, and then he thinks he deserves some sort of accolade. He says he doesn't help because his job is working full-time, and mine is the home and the kids. Just this morning, I told my son to ask daddy (who is lying on the couch) for a bowl of cereal for breakfast. He came back and said, "Daddy say 'nope.' He sleeping." It is 10:30.

 

- He has the "I am your husband, and in the end, you will do what I say" mentality. I HATE this. For the most part, we work together and agree on things. But in some cases, like that of the bride and the bad photos, he refuses to listen to me on any account. Sometimes he treats me like a child and it gets on my last nerve.

 

- I hate hate HATE having sex with him. The very thought makes me cringe. I dread the times he asks me. Often, we'll fight for an hour or two because I just DON'T want to, and he is so damn pushy. It's not like we never have sex.... usually, it's two or three times a week. Sometimes we'll go longer. But that's the norm. He is obese and I am not attracted to him, nor have I ever been. I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding literally all of the four years we've been married -- we got pregnant on our honeymoon -- so that is what I blame not wanting to have sex on.

 

- When we met, I was in a bad situation at home. I was just 18, and had a stressful, tense relationship with my stepdad. I just wanted OUT. I was raised in a conservative Christian home and was taught to date to marry. I wanted the first person I dated to be the person I married. I was stuck on this mindset and thought it best. I was obsessed with the idea of romance and marriage and having a family. He was an older man (23 at the time, so 5 years older than I) and engaged to someone else. We had so much in common, including our political views and beliefs, and I was enamored with the fact that he was attracted to ME, even though he was engaged to this other woman. Even though I wasn't attracted to him, I fell in love with his charm and sweet words. I questioned our relationship from the beginning, but he was so manipulative, I never found the strength to leave. I tried to once, but got back together with him two weeks later. He told me, "If you love me, you'll have sex with me," and we had sex very early on in our relationship. I was devastated and have always felt shame, because I would not have done it had he not pushed me so much. I was SO young and innocent! I still have anger toward him for this.

 

- Because I was never really attracted to him, I find myself wanting to find a man to whom I AM attracted from the start. I feel like I really missed out on this aspect of marriage. Is that wrong? I think if I was happier in my marriage, this wouldn't matter as much, but everything else has been slowly pushing me further and further away.

 

Here's the thing... he is faithful. He loves me. He does little things for me that are really sweet. We have good times together. He makes me laugh. We enjoy spending time together, when we are not fighting. He is harmless. He has never been violent. Like I said, we have a lot in common. A lot of our friends like us together and will be shocked if we say we are splitting up, His cousin is our roommate and she loves us together... I think she will be very angry with me.

 

Do I have reason enough to want to leave? I am at such a cross-roads. The main reason I don't want to leave is because I think he will be terribly hurt and shocked. I have never let on how unhappy I am. I have always told him I love him. I do have love for him, but I am not in love with him. I don't know if I ever was.

 

::edit::

I also want to add that I have struggled with depression since I was a teen. The last time was after the birth of my daughter, I had horrible PPD, and never felt his support through it. I had a hard time dealing with both babies, keeping up with the house, while dealing with PPD... he would get so angry with me and would compare me to others, saying, "So many women have two kids, a home, and a full time job, and have to do it all alone." He would tell me that if we ever got a divorce, he would tell the court I had a history of self-injury and, "they will never let you keep the kids."

 

I am in a REALLY good place right now and have been for about 9 months. I am happy, life is good, and I feel very stable and have a lot of support from my family (we just moved across the country last year to be closer to them.) The thought of leaving my husband not only makes me nervous, but actually excited, too.

Edited November 22, 2012 by shallow

[cheerfuldoer]

The answer will have to come from you. Can you live this way the rest of your life? No matter what you decide, decide for you and your kids, don't worry about what friends and relatives will think. Nobody knows what a relationship is like except the 2 people in it. Good luck to you.

[Lois]

Two things you may want to think about:

 

You say you are not in a miserable marriage ... but your children are.

 

The emotional well-being of your babies should be your number one priority.

[movingon12]

That sounds like a lot of very good reasons to me. There are a lot of people who have left marriages for a lot less.

 

You deserve to be with a man you find attractive, you can't spend the rest of your life being with someone you don't want to be physically intimate with - having BTDT when there's no real intimacy it makes it much harder to get through the difficult times. (And he deserves to be with someone who finds him attractive too).

 

It doesn't sound like many of those problems are going to get resolved, so for the sake of your long term happiness: and therefore (as previous poster said) for the emotional well being of your kids, you need to end it and find a person who is a better fit.

 

Oh and edit for the depression thing: how dare he threaten you like that?!

Edited November 23, 2012 by movingon12

[Mme. Chaucer]

I can't even imagine how you can consider your marriage "happy" on any level at all. I think you have more than enough reasons.

[veryhappy]

That is not a happy marriage.

 

You are so young, no need to stay in this place. Move on before you become interested in someone else and that complicates things.

[BetrayedH]

Maybe I missed it in your post but have you gone to marriage counseling? If not, I think your marriage and family deserve an honest effort in that regard before you throw in the towel. If he refuses, tell him it's MC or divorce. Sometimes an objective third-party can help bring you both towards the center and compromise.

[2.50 a gallon]

Being as you posted here, I think you already know your answer

 

Also consider what the kids are learning, they will be copy cats of you two

[bluelights]

I need some insight. I am not in a miserable marriage, but I want out. My husband and I dated for a year, were engaged for a year, and have been married for just over four years.

 

- We will have a huge fight once or twice a month, where we cuss at each other, threaten divorce, and yell. The huge fights have been going on since BEFORE we got engaged. We argue a few times a week or more, and in most situations, I give in because he is very stubborn. I realized early on in our relationship that I always apologize, even if I think I am not in the wrong. I could probably count the times he's apologized on two hands. These fights and arguments are done in front of our children (3 and 1) and are becoming very stressful for our 3yo. They have not gotten better, and sometimes are worse.

 

- From the beginning of our relationship, I have felt like whenever I am talking to him about how I feel about something (the kids stressing me out, our financial situation) he tells me I'm complaining. I feel like he never listens and empathizes.

 

- He is controlling and manipulative. Sometimes he threatens to do outrageous things so that I will give him his way.

 

- He lies about little things. I don't know why. It seems mainly, to prove a point, but I have often had my intuition go off about certain things that I never fully investigated. He has always told me he was a head chef at a restaurant before we met, and I've never really believed him. Last week he lied about where he got his hair cut. Why?? I have no idea.

 

- He has made my family uncomfortable from the beginning (mom, stepdad, stepmom, grandfather, and best friend). My mother and best friend are in full support of me wanting to leave. He playfully goes through drawers and purses, is purposefully awkward and says really inappropriate things, and gets in people's personal space. Last week he kept play-punching my 14-year-old sister in the stomach. To me, that is a hands-off area. That would make me REALLY uncomfortable if another man touched my stomach, even playfully.

 

- He is unprofessional and immature and is NEVER wrong. We used to do photography together and had a bad wedding experience, and long story short, the photos turned out horrible, the bride wrote a nasty blog post about it. He wrote all the commenters on her blog, making the bride look bad. Of course, the bride emailed me, livid. I was so humiliated. He refused to refund the bride's money, even though I begged him to do this. I knew it was the right thing to do. Three years later, this situation still bothers me. (If I end up leaving him, I will refund her money.) Another situation where he was unprofessional and deceitful is when he was fired from a worship leader position at a church. He hacked into the pastor's Facebook account and kept a key to the building in case he needed to "break in" to get anything he may have forgotten. I couldn't believe he would take such measures. He seems to lack in morale. I am an extremely honest person, so this really bothers me.

 

- He is lazy and was out of work for nearly 2 years after he lost this job, working a once a week gig at another church, making $600 a month, barely enough to cover rent at the time. (Now he has been working for almost a year at one job, and does work hard to provide for us.) When I was pregnant, I had debilitating morning sickness, but he would never get up with our toddler in the mornings even though he wasn't working. He would always sleep in late while I had to get up, throw up, and then make breakfast for our son. When my daughter was born, he cleaned up around the house for a week when people were coming over with meals, but after that he simply refused to do the dishes, vacuum, sweet, anything... even though he didn't have a job!

 

- He refuses to help with the kids -- he has always refused to help out in the middle of the night when our children were infants -- he helped a few nights here and there with our son, but I had to beg him and we fought so many times than by the time our daughter was born, I just didn't ask anymore. He hardly ever changes a diaper, gets them dressed, bathes them, makes them meals, etc. When he does, it's usually because I've begged for his help, and then he thinks he deserves some sort of accolade. He says he doesn't help because his job is working full-time, and mine is the home and the kids. Just this morning, I told my son to ask daddy (who is lying on the couch) for a bowl of cereal for breakfast. He came back and said, "Daddy say 'nope.' He sleeping." It is 10:30.

 

- He has the "I am your husband, and in the end, you will do what I say" mentality. I HATE this. For the most part, we work together and agree on things. But in some cases, like that of the bride and the bad photos, he refuses to listen to me on any account. Sometimes he treats me like a child and it gets on my last nerve.

 

- I hate hate HATE having sex with him. The very thought makes me cringe. I dread the times he asks me. Often, we'll fight for an hour or two because I just DON'T want to, and he is so damn pushy. It's not like we never have sex.... usually, it's two or three times a week. Sometimes we'll go longer. But that's the norm. He is obese and I am not attracted to him, nor have I ever been. I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding literally all of the four years we've been married -- we got pregnant on our honeymoon -- so that is what I blame not wanting to have sex on.

 

- When we met, I was in a bad situation at home. I was just 18, and had a stressful, tense relationship with my stepdad. I just wanted OUT. I was raised in a conservative Christian home and was taught to date to marry. I wanted the first person I dated to be the person I married. I was stuck on this mindset and thought it best. I was obsessed with the idea of romance and marriage and having a family. He was an older man (23 at the time, so 5 years older than I) and engaged to someone else. We had so much in common, including our political views and beliefs, and I was enamored with the fact that he was attracted to ME, even though he was engaged to this other woman. Even though I wasn't attracted to him, I fell in love with his charm and sweet words. I questioned our relationship from the beginning, but he was so manipulative, I never found the strength to leave. I tried to once, but got back together with him two weeks later. He told me, "If you love me, you'll have sex with me," and we had sex very early on in our relationship. I was devastated and have always felt shame, because I would not have done it had he not pushed me so much. I was SO young and innocent! I still have anger toward him for this.

 

- Because I was never really attracted to him, I find myself wanting to find a man to whom I AM attracted from the start. I feel like I really missed out on this aspect of marriage. Is that wrong? I think if I was happier in my marriage, this wouldn't matter as much, but everything else has been slowly pushing me further and further away.

 

Here's the thing... he is faithful. He loves me. He does little things for me that are really sweet. We have good times together. He makes me laugh. We enjoy spending time together, when we are not fighting. He is harmless. He has never been violent. Like I said, we have a lot in common. A lot of our friends like us together and will be shocked if we say we are splitting up, His cousin is our roommate and she loves us together... I think she will be very angry with me.

 

Do I have reason enough to want to leave? I am at such a cross-roads. The main reason I don't want to leave is because I think he will be terribly hurt and shocked. I have never let on how unhappy I am. I have always told him I love him. I do have love for him, but I am not in love with him. I don't know if I ever was.

 

::edit::

I also want to add that I have struggled with depression since I was a teen. The last time was after the birth of my daughter, I had horrible PPD, and never felt his support through it. I had a hard time dealing with both babies, keeping up with the house, while dealing with PPD... he would get so angry with me and would compare me to others, saying, "So many women have two kids, a home, and a full time job, and have to do it all alone." He would tell me that if we ever got a divorce, he would tell the court I had a history of self-injury and, "they will never let you keep the kids."

 

I am in a REALLY good place right now and have been for about 9 months. I am happy, life is good, and I feel very stable and have a lot of support from my family (we just moved across the country last year to be closer to them.) The thought of leaving my husband not only makes me nervous, but actually excited, too.

3

 

 

 

If you're excited to leave, if you're unhappy in the marriage, that's good enough reason to leave. You don't need any other reason.

[shallow]

Thank you everyone for your POVs. It is nice to get an opinion from people who don't know us.

 

I talked to my mom again this morning. I came to the conclusion that the only thing that makes me want to stay is 1) him fighting for the kids, as in, taking them away from me or pulling on them, yelling at me, scaring them. I do NOT want to put them through that. and 2) hurting him.

 

If I could be guaranteed that this would be a painless process, I would do it in a heart beat. But I do worry, above everything, that he will really fight me for the kids. I am not worried about getting custody; I am their primary care provider and they both prefer me over him. I spend a LOT more time with them than he does. But I'm afraid he will try to take them from me. I don't know if he would do something like that... but the thought scares me half to death. When he makes his mind up about something, even ridiculous, he sticks to it. My own dad is a sociopath/narcissist, and he never tried to take me away from my mom during their divorce, so maybe DH won't either. I don't think DH's as bad as my dad.

 

I don't know how to approach telling him. We are living with his cousin until May, when she will fly back to TX. I don't want to tell him before then, because I don't want to risk him taking the kids, and I don't want to make it awkward for his cousin. I plan on trying to convince him that we can just get a 1-bedroom apartment, and then in the meantime, getting myself a small studio apartment where the kids and I can live. My mom even talked about my stepdad purchasing a mobile home in the park behind their neighborhood, and paying them rent... that would be the ideal situation, because I could start taking my stuff over there bit by bit before I tell him I want a divorce. The kids and I could stay there safely. Unfortunately, I can't live with my parents, even for a time, because they are renting and it is against their lease agreement. I really hope my step-dad goes with the idea of purchasing a mobile home. The whole thing is just kind of an awkward situation with his cousin living with us. I would have more confidence in telling him, and telling him sooner, if she wasn't our roommate.

 

Any suggestions?

[jf2good]

You hate him, there is no reason not to divorce. I would say marriage counseling but that isn't going to fix the hate. However, it still might make things clear too him and you that this is not a happy marriage. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do, but the marriage needs to end or you need to stop the hate, which won't happen unless he totally changes.

[shallow]

Thanks. I do not hate him though. I only wish the best for him and myself, and our children. The reason the thought of leaving is difficult for me is because he is my friend, I enjoy his company and we had had good times together. I do not hate him.

[Cb3657]

Your posts really do read like you hate him, maybe you were venting but I read the top post and thought, boy I hope nobody in the world hates me this much, never mind my wife. I think BH above suggested marriage conselling, which I also think may be worthwhile if

-you were just venting above and don't really hate his touch and most of his mannerisms

-you have any wish to reengage in your marriage

Seems like you are at a point of leaving, I really don't know of any good way of delivering this to him, you seem to be saying, I really don't like anything about you but wish the best for you, maybe you should be completely honest and show him your original post. You will likely get a clean break after that. That is not meant to be insulting but the best thing for both of you may be a hard stop not a drawn out miserable breakup where he try's to figure out how to fix things.

[Ladydrib]

How are you NOT miserable? I didn't even finish your list and it sounds absolutely terrible. It sounds like you don't have a reason to stay...

[shallow]

I say I'm not miserable because we have good times together and I enjoy his company. BUT, having talked to my mom and best friend a lot the last few days, they have pointed out that it's a lot worse than I choose to believe. I am very forgiving and I get over arguments and fights very quickly. This leads to me wanting to leave in an instant one moment, to forgiving him and laughing & joking with him the next. It's very confusing, and many times during the last few days, he has come up to me and given me a hug, or a kiss, and asks me what's wrong... it makes me feel bad for wanting to leave him.

[BetrayedH]

I say I'm not miserable because we have good times together and I enjoy his company. BUT, having talked to my mom and best friend a lot the last few days, they have pointed out that it's a lot worse than I choose to believe. I am very forgiving and I get over arguments and fights very quickly. This leads to me wanting to leave in an instant one moment, to forgiving him and laughing & joking with him the next. It's very confusing, and many times during the last few days, he has come up to me and given me a hug, or a kiss, and asks me what's wrong... it makes me feel bad for wanting to leave him.

 

Then why not give an ultimatum for serious work during MC or you're gone?

[SuperGeek]

Sounds like you're already at the stage of no return and probably are done with it all at this point anyway. My SO left me 2+ years ago and I think she was probably at the stage you're at now if not more so.

 

My advice, even as bitter as I am at relationships now, is to get out if you're not happy. Probably better to do it now than to wait around and live a lie. Life is just too short to live miserable. Now you do have to think about the kids and what your decision of leaving will do to them as well - it's not just you that will be impacted but they will be as well and it will have a long lasting impact (and who knows if it will be good or bad, it will shape their lives to an extent though either way).

 

As much as I really hate my ex for quitting on me and leaving, she just wasn't happy and I give her credit for doing something about it, especially before I had kids with her, which nearly almost happened at the bitter end in my attempt to try and keep her around (good thing I wised up though).

 

The only thing I will say is that if you pull that trigger and divorce him, do not try to go back to him, because he will forever have trust issues with you once you leave him. My ex tried to come back to me over 1.5 years later and I had to pass on her offer. I could tell she realized she screwed up by leaving me. Granted, there was no kids involved in my case, so I just broke it all off clean with her/her-family/her-friends and even some of my friends. I had to start over two years ago and I'm still recovering but mostly struggling with bitterness at this point. And I'm sure my ex is probably doing ok by now with some new guy -- women seem to bounce back pretty quick from this stuff with their huge support networks and social capabilities that men seem to lack in.

 

I'm not judging you for your feelings or your desire to get out at all. I realize that every relationship is different and the decision to stay is a case by case basis. Just make sure you're 100% before you pull the trigger is the point of my post. If you're 100%, try not to fight it out in court until the bitter end either, as it will save you a ton of money in legal fees. Remember, the more you argue in court and try to destroy the other person, the more money the lawyers will drain out of both of you.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

SuperGeek

[SuperGeek]

I just wanted to add one more thought to my post from earlier.

 

Please be cognizant of friends and family trying to 'talk you into' leaving your SO. The fact is most friends and family don't see the entire relationship and don't understand what is going on. Can't tell you how many times I've seen friends or bitter family members talk someone into leaving over small stuff that doesn't matter that much. No human being is perfect and we all have flaws and we all will screw up from time to time. My parents have been married for 30+ years and I watched them go through various stages in their relationship. Some of it is just normal to work on a relationship. One thing my parents did NOT allow was outside influences of their relationship and that I believe is one reason they are still together after 35+ years among many others.

 

If there is clear physical abuse, cheating, or other serious problems, then I have no complaints with friends stepping in and advocating separation/divorce.

 

Now it sounds like you might already be done with this guy based on your post, but just make sure it's YOU who is done, and not have it based on what your friends and family think. In the long run it is you that has to live with the decision of ending it or staying with him -- what anyone else thinks just doesn't matter.

 

SuperGeek

[GuyInLimbo]

I say I'm not miserable because we have good times together and I enjoy his company. BUT, having talked to my mom and best friend a lot the last few days, they have pointed out that it's a lot worse than I choose to believe. I am very forgiving and I get over arguments and fights very quickly. This leads to me wanting to leave in an instant one moment, to forgiving him and laughing & joking with him the next. It's very confusing, and many times during the last few days, he has come up to me and given me a hug, or a kiss, and asks me what's wrong... it makes me feel bad for wanting to leave him.

 

You're not miserable?? Read your initial post and tell me that isn't someone who is miserable.

 

Second, the constant fighting in front of the kids. That needs to stop immediately. I blew up at my wife over something the other day in front of our 3yo and I felt like the biggest POS for allowing that to happen. He was very upset. Anyway, you just can't have that kind of environment with children. You are scaring them. You are making them feel UNSAFE. You are adding a tremendous amount of stress to their little, innocent lives.

 

I'll skip my usual mantra about getting married early here. But, I want you to seriously think about your life 20 years from today. Do you see all of your issues gone by then with this person? Do you think his lack of work ethic will change? Do you think he will be a motivated, responsible person? Do you think he will magically transform into someone your kids can look up to? Do you think you'll find him attractive and WANT to have sex with him?

 

I think you already know the answers and what you should do.

[KathyM]

I think you should seek some marriage counseling before throwing in the towel. There is obviously a lot wrong in the marriage that needs to change, but there are also some things that you say are positive. I think you owe it to yourself and your family to make every effort to change this around if at all possible, which would be with the help of a marriage counselor. It's worth a try. I've seen marriages similar to what you've described literally brought back from the dead with the help of a good marriage counselor. I think you should tell your husband that some things need to change, and you both need to work on improving your relationship and the way you interact with each other, so you are making an appointment with the marriage counselor.

[pteromom]

I have never let on how unhappy I am. I have always told him I love him.

 

I think this is the place to start. Be honest with him. In a kind way of course - you don't have to tell him you find him unattractive. But you do need to explain in what ways the relationship doesn't meet your needs, so he has the opportunity to try to meet them.

 

Also, start interacting in your relationship in a different way. You say once a month, you get into a screaming fight. What would happen if you just stopped screaming? If you took the cycle in a completely different direction?

 

What would happen if you dropped ALL your expectations for him as a husband and father, and instead started asking for what you need.

 

What would happen if you established boundaries for yourself, and actually enforced those boundaries? (Do not accept being yelled at or called names. Do not accept sex when you do not want it. etc)

 

I think that's where you start. I think your marriage sucks, and I can't blame you for being unhappy, but I think you need to start by changing the way you are in the marriage, and see if that changes anything. It is possible it won't, and you'll need to move on. But that's where I'd start.

[shallow]

I've decided getting a divorce will be the best for myself and the kids.

 

My dad (mom's XH) has been called a narcissist by two different psychologists, and after doing some reading and discussing it with my mom, I have realized that my husband has a lot of narcissistic qualities. I don't think I can live with that for the rest of my life, and I don't think he will ever permanently change. I've considered the possibility of him being a narcissist for a couple years now, but as with divorce, never put a lot of energy thinking about it, didn't want to think about it, because I thought we'd be together forever. I'm not saying he is a narcissist... I have no clue... but I don't want to find out.

 

I've been reading a lot of old journal entries and I see how manipulative he was in the beginning of our relationship... I even wrote that he told me he manipulated me into liking him! Ha! That almost makes me laugh. It was a mistake getting in a relationship with him and marrying him. But there's nothing I can do about it now. I think leaving him sooner rather than later is best, because I feel like I can get back to the life I had before we got together. It seems like since then, everything's been put on hold... I really molded my life around him and his wants in life, and I feel like I've held myself back from being the person I really want to be. The thought of leaving him is liberating. Plus, I just had the thought the other day that by leaving him, I would also be leaving the $30,000 worth of college loan debt he has (that didn't even get him a degree).

 

I hate being so cold to him, though. The past week I haven't talked to him much at all, and he keeps asking me why I'm mad at him and what's wrong. I feel like I'm putting on a front. I'm not mad at him... I just feel awkward being nice when I've been thinking of leaving. But I can't do anything for another 6 months anyway. That thought is kind of daunting... but I can keep trudging along and be decent to him for 6 months.

 

Thanks to everyone for your input! Seriously, you all have been a lot of help.

[shallow]

Moderators, is there any way you can delete this post completely? Without giving too much detail, I am in the process of trying to fix my marriage and this has been found by someone I'd rather not have seen this... Please.

[Caldespair]

I know its helpful to get input from family, but they can have an agenda. I know my sbxw's 2 friends getting D and they prob encouraged her to do this.

Shallow, you have young kids, at least sit him down, talk to him and go to couseling before you leave or seperate. I wish my wife had really read me the riot act - she never CLEARLY told me what her issues were for leaving the M.

At least try a bit more to work it out - just my 2 cents.