confused

[prettywoman]

I've had a long distance relationship for almost a year now. I am so totally in love with this man and believe he is with me too. We call eachother everyday and talk for at least an hr. Chat on icq, email and send regular mail too. We are nuts about eachother. He is in a bad marriage which he is in the process of getting out of. I am legally separated and going for my divorce. He lives 3,000 miles away!! We see eachother every few months and its heaven. It will be 2 yrs before we can get together permanently. Till his kids are out on their own. He keeps telling me if I find someone else to go for it. He doesn't want me sad and lonely and says he will always love me no matter what happen. He says in 2 yrs you never know who we will be attracted to. 2 years is a long time and things could change. Of course I know that. Anything could happen but I want to live with the feelings we have now. Why does he have to over analyse things. This scares me when he talks like this. I think I care about loosing him more than he does about me. I think I'll die without him. I've tried to explain this to him but he beats around the bush when discussing this subject. I don't really know where I stand. I'm 44 and don't want to waste 2 yrs of my life waiting for someone that may change their mind! HELP!

[sparkle]

You said:

I've had a long distance relationship for almost a year now. He is in a bad marriage which he is in the process of getting out of.

He's MARRIED, yet you two have had a relationship for a year. No matter how bad his marriage is going, the fact is that he's still married; if he's starting other relationships before he gets divorced or separated, I would NOT be able to trust him.

 

And if I was married to this guy, if we were having problems in our marriage, I'd wonder if, instead of trying to work out the problems and settling everything, he might be out getting involved with other women.

 

I do not think too highly of women that choose to get involved with married men, or of men that can't wait to hook up with women until they are COMPLETELY done with their marriage, & vice versa.

are out on their own. He keeps telling me if I find someone else to go for it. He doesn't want to him but he beats around the bush when discussing this subject. I don't really know where I stand.

I think those are hints he's giving that shouldn't be taken too lightly. Sounds fishy.

2 years I'll die without him.

You won't. Don't worry.

 

I would move on with my life, meet someone that's not 3000

 

miles away or married. I would not wait around for him.

 

Have to run, I'll reply later.

[Tony T]

Read YOUR post over again. Stop after each period. Go back and read the sentence again. Then stop and think about it. When you get six lines down, read each sentence, stop, and go back and read it a second and third time. Then think about what you have just read.

 

The answer to your question is contained right there in your post, just as clear as it could be. I have never seen an example like it.

 

1. A man who really loves you will commit to you and will not suggest you look for other men.

 

2. A man who really loves you will not contemplate that his love may change in two years.

 

3. A man who really loves you will not speculate on being attracted to someone else in two years.

 

4. A man who really loves you will want to wallow in those loving feelings right now, along with you, BIG TIME!!!

 

5. A man who really loves you and is totally ready to love you will not continuously analyze the situation, but rather rejoice in it.

 

*** I think you do care about him more...but that's not necessarilly bad...one always cares a bit more than the other...the real question is just how much MORE do you care than him?

 

*** I don't think you need to wait two years to know what his thoughts are. He has already told you. He is in a bad marriage, he is getting out of it, and he's practical enough NOT to get back into something very quickly. That's pretty smart on his part. Divorces are very painful and they take time to get over. His hasn't even been granted one yet. The process could take much longer than he cares to tell you...at his age, there is lots more involved in a divorse, as you probably know.

 

*** You see each other every few months and it's heaven. Hell, yeah, it is. When two people have been in sour marriages and they're both going through divorces, it is absolutely heaven to have someone to fall back on. These are called transitional or healing relationships. They usually happen AFTER a divorce, not during the process.

 

Love is very state specific. Since both of you fell in love during a time of great pain and vulnerability, there are no assurances that the same feelings will be there in two or three years, once the healing process has effectively done its job for one or both of you. Right now, he understands this fully...you do not.

 

This man is being so very honest with you it's pathetic. He is trying so very hard to send you a message and you aren't wanting to get it. What he is telling you will easily get him off the hook once he is through this torture and ready to move on with his life. It is very likely your involvement with him will impede your own healing process and an eventual break up with him will be double hell for you.

 

This man is being so kind and honest with you, it will make me absolutely sick the next time a mistress complains on this board that her married lover got divorced and dumped her later on. I think most men, just like women, hate to hurt people's feelings but try as best they can to lay the truth out. This guy has done this wonderfully. You just don't take hints very well...he doesn't realize that.

 

If you didn't figure the truth out for yourself, after reading each sentence as instructed above, I urge you in the strongest way to seek professional counselling and guidance because you are headed for the heartbreak of a lifetime.

[prettywoman]

I did what you asked me to. It made a lot of sense to read my own words over again. I am kind of burying my head in the sand. But I feel like I am willing to risk being hurt because I want him so much. I spoke with him about all of this and he said he wants to marry me as soon as we are both free. He calls me his soulmate. Wonders where I was 20 yrs ago. I feel the same. I can't let him go. He doesn't want to let me go.The only thing stopping us from being together is our kids. Getting them through highschool in our own countries is our first priority. After that they will be gone off to college and we can be together.Until then he thinks its best to leave everything like it is. Not rock the boat sort of speak. I know if this doesn't work between us that my heart will be shattered. Once was enough,it devastated me. This time, I don't know.

 

I replied back to you because you seemed to be very understanding and have a good grasp of my situation. You were right when you said have honest he is being. Please reply back, and Thanks!

Read YOUR post over again. Stop after each period. Go back and read the sentence again. Then stop and think about it. When you get six lines down, read each sentence, stop, and go back and read it a second and third time. Then think about what you have just read. The answer to your question is contained right there in your post, just as clear as it could be. I have never seen an example like it.

 

1. A man who really loves you will commit to you and will not suggest you look for other men. 2. A man who really loves you will not contemplate that his love may change in two years. 3. A man who really loves you will not speculate on being attracted to someone else in two years.

 

4. A man who really loves you will want to wallow in those loving feelings right now, along with you, BIG TIME!!! 5. A man who really loves you and is totally ready to love you will not continuously analyze the situation, but rather rejoice in it. *** I think you do care about him more...but that's not necessarilly bad...one always cares a bit more than the other...the real question is just how much MORE do you care than him? *** I don't think you need to wait two years to know what his thoughts are. He has already told you. He is in a bad marriage, he is getting out of it, and he's practical enough NOT to get back into something very quickly. That's pretty smart on his part. Divorces are very painful and they take time to get over. His hasn't even been granted one yet. The process could take much longer than he cares to tell you...at his age, there is lots more involved in a divorse, as you probably know. *** You see each other every few months and it's heaven. Hell, yeah, it is. When two people have been in sour marriages and they're both going through divorces, it is absolutely heaven to have someone to fall back on. These are called transitional or healing relationships. They usually happen AFTER a divorce, not during the process. Love is very state specific. Since both of you fell in love during a time of great pain and vulnerability, there are no assurances that the same feelings will be there in two or three years, once the healing process has effectively done its job for one or both of you. Right now, he understands this fully...you do not. This man is being so very honest with you it's pathetic. He is trying so very hard to send you a message and you aren't wanting to get it. What he is telling you will easily get him off the hook once he is through this torture and ready to move on with his life. It is very likely your involvement with him will impede your own healing process and an eventual break up with him will be double hell for you. This man is being so kind and honest with you, it will make me absolutely sick the next time a mistress complains on this board that her married lover got divorced and dumped her later on. I think most men, just like women, hate to hurt people's feelings but try as best they can to lay the truth out. This guy has done this wonderfully. You just don't take hints very well...he doesn't realize that. If you didn't figure the truth out for yourself, after reading each sentence as instructed above, I urge you in the strongest way to seek professional counselling and guidance because you are headed for the heartbreak of a lifetime.