I broke up with my ex and regret it

[Bng105454]

My ex and I dated for a little over a year and I broke up with him 3months ago to the day. I broke up with him for a few reasons. I'm a really social person but he's shy and quiet around people. He never really meshed with my friends and I felt like the two worlds were really separate and it never sat right with me. I broke it off because I felt like I was trapped and my future was limited with him, but I now realize he was never trying to hold me back, he always said he would support my decisions to travel and things like that. I also had a wandering eye ill admit and I never had sex with anyone else while we dated but I did kiss two guys while we were dating and I told him about it afterwards but I don't know why I kissed them, I just did and then felt awful about it. I also broke it off because I'm in college and he never finished school but has a job doing what he did in the navy, which is great, but I felt like I couldn't talk to him about what I was studying but I now see that no one knows what I'm talking about when I go off on my tangents and he at least tried to understand.

 

I've been talking to another guy ever since we broke up and it feels awful because all I do is think about my ex. I feel like the right thing to do is break things off with the guy I'm dating now and try to get everything right in my head before I go on with anyone else. I miss my ex so much, in so many ways. I try not to idealize our relationship and I try to look back on it honestly without any bias, and even the bad things were so petty and minuscule.

 

I just want to know what to do. I want to know if I should try to get over him or get back with him. He would take me back in a heart beat i know. He's given me my space and has been polite and respectful every time we've seen each other. He told me when we broke up that if i changed my mind he would be waiting for me. I'm sad all the time and I just want to be happy again, I just don't know what I need to do.

[Exit]

First of all, duck-and-cover, you'll probably attract some not-so-friendly replies from some of the forum members here, as those of us on this website tend to be the heart broken ones who got dumped. So just prepare for that, but hopefully everyone will be nice.

 

I think you are guilty of idealizing things. When you were with him, you kissed other guys, you wanted other things, you worried about how he would hold you back, and felt like his career and lifestyle weren't good enough for you. So you ended it, and now you're idealizing what you already had, you're thinking about talking to him again, you think he was so great, "sure he wasn't social, but he never held me back", "sure he couldn't talk to me about my career, but now I realize nobody can". It would have been a lot more useful if you could have cut him that slack when you were still together and loved him for who he was. It seems a little suspect that you've only started telling yourself how great he is now that you no longer have him. It hints at the immature "always want what you can't have" type of behavior.

 

My opinion is that in all fairness you should let him go. Rather than only considering what would make you happy, try thinking about him for once. You're probably right, you suggesting that you two get back together probably would interest him -- but I'm asking you to think about his happiness on a deeper level than that. Most of us who got dumped would like to hear from our ex again, but we don't always know what's good for us. Does he really need to be with someone who thought he had all these shortcomings before? Does he really need to be with someone who kissed two other guys and can't even come up with a good reason why? You can tell yourself all you want that "I never had sex with anyone else" but if kissing was okay maybe some day you'll cross that next line too.

 

People generally don't change and he's going to be the same shy, quiet guy, working his comfortable job, as he was before. And judging by how you've described yourself, you sound like the perfect candidate for someone who would go get back together with him, and then find yourself thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence all over again, and leave him behind a second time. Or you'll feel too guilty to break up with him again, so you'll just start eyeing and kissing other guys again to compensate for your unhappy relationship.

 

But hey, if nothing else, I'm a romantic, so how can I say that maybe this isn't a love story in the making and you were meant to learn this lesson and eventually go back to him. I don't know. But I certainly think you need to give these decisions some time. You sound a tad bit inconsiderate of the other people involved in this situation. If you think it would benefit you to break up with this guy you're with now - you'd do it, and if you feel like talking to your ex again - you'd do it, but what about how this affects the other people? These other people are not your play things. No you should not stay with your current boyfriend if you do not feel like you belong with him but you also shouldn't just cast him aside carelessly and go jump into your ex's arms again. You would owe your current boyfriend a very sincere apology and explanation, and if you decided to end it, I think you would owe everyone involved that you then spend some time single instead of just breaking up with your current boyfriend on Monday and being back together with your ex on Tuesday. You claim to feel remorseful for rushing into decisions before, but that doesn't mean anything if you're just going to do it all over again. If you feel badly - prove it. Change your behavior.

 

The current relationship should be judged on its own merits. Don't look at it from the perspective of "do I want my ex back or not". Make a decision about this relationship by itself. Forget about your ex for a second. Just pretend your only other option aside from your current boyfriend is to be totally single. Would you still end it if that were the case? If you are comfortable with the idea that even being single would be better for you than the current boyfriend, then go ahead and end it. Or even if you're not thrilled with being single, but if you know this just isn't going to be the guy for you... let him go. Just make sure you don't repeat this same pattern where a few months later you're thinking back on this guy and thinking "damn, I shouldn't have dumped that one either".

 

If you decide to end the current relationship, then I think the next step is you need some time alone. Don't just run right back to your ex. You dumped him and forced him back into the single life, show that you're willing to walk a mile in his shoes for a bit and realize that you can survive without a boyfriend for a few weeks. Nothing is nastier than people who can be in a relationship one day and a different one a few days later. It would cheapen your relationship with both of these people. Even if you come to the conclusion that the current guy you are with is totally a bad fit and you got with him for the wrong reasons, you would still owe that relationship some respect to process ending it, deal with the loss, and just spend some time alone or with friends.

 

Then maybe you can talk to the ex, but only if you can be considerate enough to do so from the perspective of what is best for HIM rather than best for you. Step lightly and find out if he even wants to start talking to you again. You seem awfully presumptuous that he'll drop to his knees and praise the heavens if you walk back into his life, but don't be so sure. Find out if he has any interest in even talking to you. If he does, great, but I again would suggest that you show him the respect and dignity to take things slowly and pretty much accept that you are starting from square one. Just because you were together previously does not mean it is appropriate to start a hot and heavy relationship all over again. That would cheapen the entire thing as well.

 

If you really, truly realize that you threw away something good, prove it with your actions. You shouldn't be able to have that good thing back in your life in the blink of an eye without any hard work, leaving another dumped boyfriend in the dust and running back to the one you want. Realize that you have left a pretty wide path of destruction with the poor choices that you've made and show some respect to these men in your life rather than just hustling them through this revolving door that is your dating life. Only if you are capable of truly displaying that you are remorseful and realize you made a mistake do I feel that you might earn a second shot. And even then it's questionable. Even if you see your ex and his eyes light up and he's glad to see you, don't let that fool you for a second that you didn't hurt him when you left the first time.

 

This isn't just about realizing you had something good and wanting it back for your own reasons, it should be about you wanting to show that good person that you realize how great they were, and that you were wrong and you realize you should have to earn his trust back. If you just want to dump the current one and get back with the old one before the dust even settles, I would say hit the bricks and be single for a while because you don't know how to respect the people you claim to care about. I'm not suggesting that you DO want to handle it that way, you gave no real indication how you would go about handling this, but I'm just saying DON'T do it that way.

 

And I would say most of all, before you ever even think about talking to your ex or reappearing in his life, you better ask yourself if this is what you want for good this time. If there is any possibility that you would ever break up with him again, if there is any possibility that you're going to get back together and then start nit picking at his flaws again and kissing other guys and wishing you had never come back, don't you dare do that to him. I've only had one relationship in my life where we broke up once and got back together, and let me tell you, that same girl deciding that she was going to walk out on me for a second time after promising me that she came back for good has been the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life, and as much as I had missed her, I wish she had never come back after the first breakup if I had known she would do it again.

 

I guess I'm being kind of wishy-washy because now I feel myself leaning more towards what I said in the first place, that you struck out and you should just leave him alone. You kissed other guys, you broke up with him, you started "talking" to a new guy within 3 months of just having ended the 1 year relationship you had, maybe your ex is just better off finding someone who will be a little more careful with his feelings. I think I mainly opened up to the idea of you contacting him again because I know if I just tell you flat out to leave him alone, other people will read this thread and say "hey Exit, if my ex ever has second thoughts about me and starts thinking they made a mistake, I would definitely want to hear from them, and I sure hope they wouldn't get any advice from someone like you to just leave me alone". So, for the sake of everyone out there who has been dumped and wishes their ex would come back to them, and just in case your ex happens to be one of those people, I won't rule it out completely. If he wants you back, great, but do not take that for granted and do not hurt him again. If it's a possibility that you might change your mind yet again, just leave him alone.

 

In any case, the choice is ultimately yours, but you have a LOT of thinking to do, and I feel I cannot emphasize enough that you need to keep reminding yourself that this shouldn't just be about what feels good for you. Make it a priority to consider if you are doing right by these other people in your life. I think you need to work on that, because in what you wrote above, you didn't really mention what effect it had on your ex when you dumped him, and you didn't mention a single concern about how the current guy will feel if you decide to tell him off, what you wrote was constantly me-me-me.

 

As I said already, the current relationship needs to be decided on as its own separate entity. Decide if you have a future with this guy or not with adding all this other stuff into the picture. That's step 1 and you can't proceed further before taking care of that. If you stay with him, case closed. If you decide that road needs to come to an end, then proceed to step two. Do not rush this just to get back in touch with your ex before you even decide if that's really what you want again. Do not reenter his life in any way shape or form if you're not absolutely sure that you won't walk out again.

Edited November 23, 2012 by Exit

[japi]

I agree a lot with Exits post. It has been very selfish of you and you need to change this behavior. It is tearing up everyone.

 

However, I do believe that people have to grow up and relationships change. That many time a second chance is great as long as the necessary changes have taken place. And I'm sure your ex would love that. But don't be so confident he isn't trying to move on, and will always be waiting for you.

 

Whatever happens, I think you need to be alone. It seems like you are afraid of being alone. I think you should just suck it up and prove to yourself you can do it.

 

You probably did wrong by breaking up with your ex, and now you're most likely doing wrong by being with the current guy, who you may care about, but is still probably a rebound. So you have done and are still doing both guys wrong. The first guy is still recovering from the pain you caused by your mistake and recovering from the pain you caused by immediately getting into another relationship with no respect. Its going to hurt the second guy to break up with him, but its going to hurt far less than if you always are thinking about what could have been with your ex, or realize 3 years down the road he was just a rebound.

 

I'm just sayin as well..let the dust settle. It is not respectful of your current guy to be in a relationship with him while you have these feelings and its not respectful to the current guy if you dump him and are back with your ex next week. Its the same thing you did to the other guy and chances are it tore him up. You just need to be single.

 

After being single, you'll probably feel so much better, and grow so much more, even in a short period of time. I think you need it. You're mind is tied up in a mess of emotions and it needs to settle. It needs to happen by yourself.

 

If you are able to be by yourself, and you're relationship has been over with your ex, and you two have become stronger, more independent, and he still is open to getting back together, I say go for it. You two probably love each other a ton but just have a lot of codependency issues. Those are issues that are being worked on by both of you, if you become single. But if you work on them, you might be more in love than ever if you get back together. And it might be something that lasts.

 

But seriously be careful of assuming hes just waiting to pick it back up, even if he appears like it. Its very conceded. People eventually are forced to trying to move on. And most of the time they do, before the person comes back. But that doesn't mean you should rush back to try to be with him. Just be alone for a little bit. Its scary at first, but its ok.

 

And personally, if you come back to your ex, yes be respectful of his current life, but make your intentions known completely - that you want to get back together with him. By the time you get back around to your ex, he may have a lot of walls up. You are probably going to have to prove to him why you deserve to have him back. And how bad you messed up. And that you've grown up. He has had to overcome this battle on his own, without you, and it sounds without a rebound. He probably will be extremely strong and not need you anymore. Which is good if you get back, but harder to convince. And eventually, people are forced to move on. Or they meet someone new. Or they start over somewhere else. So, stop wasting everyone's time, and go figure yourself out, alone, before everything gets messed up even more.

 

I hope you figure everything out. Good luck.

Edited November 23, 2012 by japi

[Minka333]

Agree with the posters above...

 

Just follow your heart. It is ok to try and have another chance. Prove your worth. He seems like a nice guy. If all else fails, at least you lived without regrets especially knowing that you tried your best.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

Whatever you do, don't go rushing back to him thinking you want to give the relationship a second chance. There could be a chance that you get back with him and find that it's not really what you want. Your ex does NOT deserve that. Take things slowly and give it some time. Really analyze what it is that you want. Make sure that you aren't doing this out of pure greed.

 

Also, I don't necessarily believe that a person CAN'T change. I believe that love liberates and sometimes we have the DUTY of liberating those that we love. Even if that comes in the form of a friendship. You may find that he's a better friend than lover.

 

Only you know your heart.

 

But like I said, don't play with his emotions. Just remember if you truly care about him you will understand his worth and realize he doesn't deserve to be hurt.

[Bng105454]

Thank you all so much for your heart felt and sincere replies. You are all very right in that I need to be considerate of the men in my life. The guy I'm currently talking to doesn't have time for me and has hinted at remaining friends. I think that's what he wants and ill talk to him about all that is going on with me and be honest with him.

As for my ex, I'm really going to try and remove what I want from the situation and really ask myself what he wants and what is best for him. I talked to my mom about all of this last night, I'm only 22 and my ex is 29 and I'm still learning. This is something I regret doing greatly, not because its made me unhappy but because I hurt someone I love with my whole heart. I never looked down on him for what he does for a living or for any reason, he's been an amazing and loving man from the start and I've never denied that. I would never look down on him. And I never felt like I was better than him in anyway. He's taught me to be generous and how to share and really care for someone. The point is, I know how I feel about him and I thought that if I dated someone else it would go away, that if I distracted myself enough I would change my mind but all I needed was to know that it's okay to love him. I've never felt more sure of that in my entire life.

I am going to really meditate on this and I know that if I go back to him, I can't ever leave him again. That's a huge decision and while I know that's what I want now, I won't rush this and I'll be 100% sure that that is what is best for both of us.

 

All of your comments have seriously been so helpful and I cannot thank you enough for your input. I'm going to do this the right way and I will be sure to keep his best interest in my heart.

Thank you! I hope all of you find happiness, I wish I could heal all of your broken hearts. Without heart break could we truly know love beyond naivety?

Best wishes.