He texts he wants to split up for a while - Should I reply?

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Treasa,

did you read my most recent post from earlier on? I went out with a male friend, but it turned out to be more of a date and I missed my ex every second of it. I drank a whole bottle of wine by myself and when I got home I sent him the email I had created earlier on. Not feeling too proud of myself right now, but I am sure I'll survive.

 

I'll keep you posted on what the next development in my saga is. Hopefully it will all be uphill from now on.

[movingon12]

Just got back from drinks with a friend. It felt more like a date and I missed my ex every second of it. I drank a lot and when I got home I sent off the email I had created earlier in the day. It said something like "I am sorry we did not work out, but I think it is for the best. Good luck and I will always remember you fondly." I guess it was not too bad. Wish I had not replied at all, but just did not feel strong enough.

 

Here we go, NC starts again.

 

Ah well, it happens. As drunken emails go, that is not bad. People have sent far, far worse!

[Gottabestrong]

Woke up this morning and checked my emails. Nothing from him, which surprised me. I reread the email I sent him yesterday and it is graceful, friendly and definitley a goodbye email. I think it might even be too nice because I absolve him of any guilt, say I'll always remember him fondly and wish him all the best for the future. But I also state that we obviously want different things from a relationship and therefore the breakup is for the best.

 

It is still sad to think that we are really over, but if he will remember me by my last communication, I think I could have done worse. I am actually quite proud of for myself for sending such a nice message even though I was drunk and depressed when I got home.

 

Oh, well. It is definitely over now. I said goodbye and wished him the best for the future. Time to move on. No more reason to hold on or break NC. I kinda expect him to reply with a goodbye message of his own, but it doesn't really matter. The fact that he hasn't yet tells me that he either thinks he said all there is to say or that he is thinking of some nice words to say himself. But like I said, it doesn't really matter and I won't hold my breath waiting for a message that might never come.

[LostOne1]

Woke up this morning and checked my emails. Nothing from him, which surprised me. I reread the email I sent him yesterday and it is graceful, friendly and definitley a goodbye email. I think it might even be too nice because I absolve him of any guilt, say I'll always remember him fondly and wish him all the best for the future. But I also state that we obviously want different things from a relationship and therefore the breakup is for the best.

 

It is still sad to think that we are really over, but if he will remember me by my last communication, I think I could have done worse. I am actually quite proud of for myself for sending such a nice message even though I was drunk and depressed when I got home.

 

Oh, well. It is definitely over now. I said goodbye and wished him the best for the future. Time to move on. No more reason to hold on or break NC. I kinda expect him to reply with a goodbye message of his own, but it doesn't really matter. The fact that he hasn't yet tells me that he either thinks he said all there is to say or that he is thinking of some nice words to say himself. But like I said, it doesn't really matter and I won't hold my breath waiting for a message that might never come.

 

yeah don't dwell on it too much. I sent my ex a thanks msg too probably 3 weeks ago. After that I went NC for good now. I agree it might absolve them of any guilt and allow them to feel like they did everything and we are at fault for being dumped.

 

But at least I was nice enough to say thanks. I know my ex is furious as of last we talked and I didn't expect a reply at all. Would've been nice, but I think she really wants to move on and wants nothing to do with me at all.

 

So now it's my turn to move on too. In fact she told me if I have any self respect I will move on, as it's over on her end and she doesn't want to be with someone like me.

 

So just move on now and NEVER look back. I doubt our ex's will ever come back for us. But meh.. we can't change the past sadly and go back and do things differently... it is what it is....

[Treasa]

Yeah, I must have missed it. Well, you definitely could have written worse, so no worries.

 

My stupid ex sent me an email yesterday to tell him if I want to talk. I'm not doing that. He can call if he wants me badly enough. He doesn't.

 

This morning he sent a short email that read, "Starting new job in January."

 

I'm not planning on replying to that one, either. Good for him. Not my concern, though.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Treasa,

you are very strong. Good for you!

 

Soon it will be once day of NC again. For some reason I am feeling really down and sad today. Maybe it is because we have been broken up for a week now. Or because yesterday I went out for drinks and it just reminded me so much of the last time my ex and I went out. Or maybe I am stil hungover from all the wine I had yesterday.

 

Anyway, having a bad day. Hope you are all hanging in there.

[Gottabestrong]

Day 2 of NC is coming to a close. For some reason I have been feeling really down and sad since I sent him that goodbye email two days ago. I think it might be because now I feel like it is really over. It's only been a week, but it feels like we have been broken up for an eternity.

 

I really miss him today.

[movingon12]

Hang in there, every day it will get a little easier.

 

If it helps, something that I read in a book really helped me: on paper (or anywhere for that matter), write down a some relationship ideals, like:

 

'He always bought me wonderful presents'

'He was great with my friends'

'My parents loved him'

'He always made me feel safe'

 

etc etc etc

 

After each one, write down the truth in your relationship

 

'Actually, he forgot my birthday and then just gave me cash'

'Actually, he never made much effort to get to know them'

...

whatever the honest truth of it was.

 

In the book I read I think it had 6 examples. Once I started doing this about my ex I had covered 2 sides of A4 -at which point I started to think 'hmm, that marriage really wasn't as good as I was pretending it was....'

[Gottabestrong]

Hi there, haven't posted in a few days and thought I would update.

 

Have not heard from him in 5 days and am on day 4 of my NC.

 

I really don't understand why he did not reply to my email last Wednesday. It was nice and friendly and gracious and I wished him all the best for the future. The logical thing to do would have been to write back: 'Thank you, you too.' The fact that he did not really messes with my head. From the start he always said that he wanted to break up because I was unhappy and he could not give me what I need. He also said that he still loved and missed me and in his last email he asked if I was okay and apologized for 'failing' me. It does not sound like he is angry or did not want to talk to me anymore. So why the cold shoulder?

 

I guess this is how NC works, it makes the other person wonder why you are not replying or contacting them. Unfortunately I am on the receiving end of it right now. Which sucks.

 

But it is not all bad. I have not cried about him in a few days. I still think about him a lot, but mostly I am just sad at the thought of what once was and what might have been.

 

I am also forcing myself to stay busy and to go out and meet new people, instead of just sitting at home and being depressed like I did before. Since I have moved here I have not made any friends and my days consisted of working late and then coming home and telling my ex about my day. Now that he is no longer in my life I feel really lonley and cut off. During the first few days I contacted family and friends back home a lot and at first they were very good at replying, but that stopped after a few days, which I understand. I can't expect them to be there for me on a daily basis, when in the last few months we only exchanged maybe one message per week. Also, it must be rather depressing to listen to me constantly talk about my breakup.

 

So I have joined a few social groups here and force myself to go out to events and reply to messages I get, even when I don't really feel like it. One negative side effect is that I have started drinking a lot of alcohol. I am usually not a heavy drinker, but I have noticed that every time I go out I drink one or two glasses of wine or beer and I also close each day at home with a glass of wine. I know it is not healthy, but it just allows me to fall asleep easier when I drink some wine, and going out and meeting new people is nervewrecking, alcohol helps with the nerves.

 

Anyway, that's where I am at right now, still sad and hurt, but trying to move on and rebuild my life.

[Gottabestrong]

Another bad day. Have not heard from him in 6 days, 5 days of NC on my part. Been broken up for 11 days. I miss him so much. I know it would not change a thing for the better, but I have this strong urge to contact him and ask him what he is thinking. I have this voice in my ear that tells me if I could only make him see how I feel he would change his mind and want to be my boyfriend again. This is so hard.

[cavalier99]

Keep it up don't crack! You are in withdrawal...de toxing. The urges will lessen. Pray if needed.

[Gottabestrong]

Thank you for your support.

[Gottabestrong]

Thank you for your support. It's tought, but I am hanging in there.

[Treasa]

Part of me wants to shake you and tell you not to contact him, because you did a few days ago and look what happened - you got really upset and never responded. That part of me wants to tell you that if you have to CONVINCE a guy to want to be with you, you're only going to be miserable.

 

And then part of me wants to tell you to go ahead and contact him and try to persuade him to give you another chance. It wasn't until my self-esteem was shattered to nothing and my ex had made it bluntly clear that he wanted a girlfriend, but NOT ME, that I moved on. however, I don't think most people are like me. For most people that would only make them feel worse. For me, it was a deep relief that came out of nowhere.

 

It's your call. I don't see this ending happily between the two of you, though. And I know I don't know you, but I can't think of any woman who would be happy with a relationship in which she had to talk the guy into being with her. Don't you deserve better than that?

[cavalier99]

Part of me wants to shake you and tell you not to contact him, because you did a few days ago and look what happened - you got really upset and never responded. That part of me wants to tell you that if you have to CONVINCE a guy to want to be with you, you're only going to be miserable.

 

And then part of me wants to tell you to go ahead and contact him and try to persuade him to give you another chance. It wasn't until my self-esteem was shattered to nothing and my ex had made it bluntly clear that he wanted a girlfriend, but NOT ME, that I moved on. however, I don't think most people are like me. For most people that would only make them feel worse. For me, it was a deep relief that came out of nowhere.

 

It's your call. I don't see this ending happily between the two of you, though. And I know I don't know you, but I can't think of any woman who would be happy with a relationship in which she had to talk the guy into being with her. Don't you deserve better than that?

 

I do sort of get the feeling you are going to crack and break NC. Not sure why.

 

Gottabestrong how committed are you to this? Just checking. We are here for you but check deep down how committed you are. Why do you care that he hasnt responded? This is what you should want. Just a reality check.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Treasa,

you are right, I know you are right, and that is why I have not contaced him yet. I just have this urge and longing to reach out to him. It is totally messing with my head.

 

For the last few weeks I thought about breaking up with him a few times, but always decided to hang in there and wait it out till I fly back in December and see if things improve when we are face to face again. Well, he did not want to wait it out, but instead decided that it was better to break up. That hurts so much. I feel so rejected and unwanted. I don't want to get back with the guy he was at the end (which I realize is the real him), I just want to get some sign that shows me that this is not easy for him, that he misses me and is not just happily moving on with his life.

 

I realize that is probably not going to happen, but unfortunately that does not make me stop thinking about it. I need all my energy to focus on not contacting him, which so far I have been able to do. Mostly because I am worried about what it would feel like if I wrote to him and he ignored me again. Probably even worse than I feel right now.

 

I am so tired of feeling this way, I just want it to be over and move on with my life.

[Gottabestrong]

I do sort of get the feeling you are going to crack and break NC. Not sure why.

 

Gottabestrong how committed are you to this? Just checking. We are here for you but check deep down how committed you are. Why do you care that he hasnt responded? This is what you should want. Just a reality check.

 

How committed am I to what? Moving on or sticking to NC?

 

I care that he has not responded because it makes me feel like I meant nothing to him, that all my love and support was in vain and I never really mattered to him. And I can't help think back to the beginning, when he seemed so in love with me. He would text/email and call me 24/7. He wanted to see me every free hour he got and told me how much he loved me all the time. But over time it changed and whenever I pointed it out to him he refused to admit that he was losing the feeling, but said it was the distance, the busy jobs we both have, and a million other reasons.

 

But now I think that it was so obvious that he was falling out of love and I just did not want to see it, but instead believed him. I fought so hard for us for the last two months, but it seems that nothing I did had any effect on him whatsoever. I should have ended things with him at least after the 3rd time I told him how his behavior made me feel and he refused to acknowledge any issues. Other than that I was constantly complaining and it drove him mad. I guess I just wish I could turn back time and do so many things differently.

[Treasa]

"I am so tired of feeling this way, I just want it to be over and move on with my life."

 

I bet if this guy told you to F off and that he was banging the next chick he saw, you'd have no problems moving on, right?

[Gottabestrong]

I bet if this guy told you to F off and that he was banging the next chick he saw, you'd have no problems moving on, right?

 

Not necessarily.

[Treasa]

Well, between that comment and the fact that you wanted to break up with him, I think this is about you, not him.

 

I don't think you actually want to be with HIM. You just don't want to give up or lose. LOL

 

I think if this guy told you that you two were forever over and there was no chance and to stop contacting him, this would be easier for you. But because he was nice, and because you don't feel like you have the power in making it be "over" (you do), you're setting yourself up for more heartache.

 

There's no clean cut in your mind. You don't understand that this breakup is actually a good thing.

 

I don't know how to explain it. My thoughts are really jumbled right now. But trust me, I really don't think you want to be with HIM.

[cavalier99]

Would haa

How committed am I to what? Moving on or sticking to NC?

 

I care that he has not responded because it makes me feel like I meant nothing to him, that all my love and support was in vain and I never really mattered to him. And I can't help think back to the beginning, when he seemed so in love with me. He would text/email and call me 24/7. He wanted to see me every free hour he got and told me how much he loved me all the time. But over time it changed and whenever I pointed it out to him he refused to admit that he was losing the feeling, but said it was the distance, the busy jobs we both have, and a million other reasons.

 

But now I think that it was so obvious that he was falling out of love and I just did not want to see it, but instead believed him. I fought so hard for us for the last two months, but it seems that nothing I did had any effect on him whatsoever. I should have ended things with him at least after the 3rd time I told him how his behavior made me feel and he refused to acknowledge any issues. Other than that I was constantly complaining and it:rolleyes: drove him mad. I guess I just wish I could turn back time and do so many things differently.

 

 

I guess i meant sticking to NC. You will be fine. Heck i still need to tell myself this 2 months out . I also felt like i should have ended things when i felt she was becoming more distant. Heck she even told me she was being pursued my someone and i let myself hang around until the bitter end. Ugh. I lost all myself respect begging her to hang around another week so we could wrap things up. Which she did only to be lied to and betrayed.

 

I cant go back but if i could i would have maintained myself respect more. This was a huge lesson. Even now i have these fantasis of how i would have walked out on her with my head held up high earlier. I guess what we need to have now is self esteem and self regard. That is a main reason i haven't broken NC besides the fact that it would set me back. Good job keep up the NC.

[Gottabestrong]

I think you both are right, it is less about being with HIM in particular, because I was thinking about breaking up with him for a while now. What smarts so much is the fact that I was willing to stick it out and stay and work on the relationship, while he just did not make any effort whatsoever and finally ended our relationship from one moment to the next without even any sign of hesitation or regret.

 

I feel so stupid and humiliated. And I even begged the guy to reconsider! And he never gave me a clear answer. Argh, my pride and self-esteem got a really strong hit and I constantly have to fight the feeling that I am not good enough and will never find a guy who wants to stay with me in the long run. If I could not make him stay in love with me, how will I ever find anybody else? Argh, I hate these stupid thoughts. It makes no sense rationally, but I feel that the only thing that would make me feel better right now is for him to say that he made a huge mistake and asks me to give us another chance. Then I might not necessarily say yes, but I would feel so much better.

 

Damn pride!

 

5 days of NC and counting.

[Pinky777]

I'm in your exact same boat -- fell madly in love with someone who was so sweet and affectionate and romantic in the beginning, making me feel like the most beautiful and special woman in the world, but then about 6 months down the line began to get distant. At first I tried to give him the benefit of the dobut but when it kept happening and he kept not calling, I got scared, and I got clingy and desperate. He needed things to slow down and I didn't give him room to breathe, and lost my self-respect in the process. That's what hurts the worst. I do miss my ex, terribly, and like yours mine wasn't a horrible breakup, he was actually very sweet to me and wished me the best and we actually ended things amicably. I can't hate him as he's always been more or less honest with me, I just didnt' want to see the truth. I still love him to death but I'm just so messed up over this because I grovelled, cried, checked up on him, instead of letting things go naturally or walking away first. It's tough, especially since i belive one of the reasons he liked me so much in the first place was my confidence and that's not the person I became at the end. I'm really more disappointed in myself than anything, it's a horrible feeling isn't it? All we can really do is learn from it and not make the same mistakes the next time.

 

You sound like me where you deal with things by talking things out, not distancing yourself. He likely deals with things by shutting people out. Everyone has their coping mechanisms. Just because he's not part of your life anymore doesn't mean you meant nothing to him, either, maybe he really loved you and things changed for whatever reason (I'm betting that has more to do with HIM than you), maybe he just thought he was in love, but you will always be a special part of his life no matter how it ended. Maybe NC on his part is his way of getting over you. But he needs to, and so do you. The relationship is done. Over. Even if he did have a change of heart and come back there would always be that black cloud of doubt hanging over your head. It just sucks because you were the one dumped and you gave him the power to hurt you.

 

You definitely deserve so much better than to convince someone to be with you, you know that's not what you want. Unfortunately you can't go back in time and change things, it's so easy to look back and say if only I'd been stronger, done this differently, done that differently, etc. I doubt it would have changed anything because I guarantee you breaking up with you had to do more with him, or with circumstances, than you. He was too lazy to put any effort in. And that you deserve so much better than to settle for someone like that. You express yourself so well and seem like a very sweet person with so much love to give and he didn't appreciate it. One day hopefully you'll be able to remember the good times and you will not feel like this forever.

[Gottabestrong]

Aww, thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate them.

 

You do sound like you are in a very similar sitation to me, how far along into the breakup are you, and how are you dealing with it?

[Pinky777]

I’m doing OK, much better than I was right after the BU, but I know I’m still in a bad depression and it’s hard to concentrate on anything but him. I’m just going through the motions of life, for the most part. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore and I lost the best thing I ever had, and that I’ll never meet anyone I connected with as much as him.

 

Right now I’m on day 5 of NC. 3 weeks ago, he initiated the actual breakup by saying that it’d be better if we “took a step back and just be friends”. The funny thing is that night we were supposed to hang out and he blew me off, I wanted to have a serious talk with him about the same thing, how I was tired of feeling neglected and that it’d be better off if we tried being friends because he had too much to deal with to be fair to me in a relationship. I freaked out after he blew me off and never got that chance. I don’t know if I’d have stuck to my guns but I knew “we” were dying and I didn’t want it to get to the point where we hated each other. We aren’t LD but he lives an hour away and has a very full and busy life, he just wasn’t making time for me in it anymore, while I was ALL in.

 

In the days after the BU I cried my eyes out for about a week straight, it was like the tears couldn’t stop coming I had so much sadness in me. The crying has subsided now but I just feel sad. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that we’re just not right together, right now, and maybe never will be. We are 2 different people in 2 different places in our lives. It’s like my brain understands it logically but I can’t quite make myself believe it, I want to believe that “love conquers all” but the fact of the matter is a relationship takes a willingness to be invested in it and make it work and he wasn’t willing to make it work. I would like to think I’m worth the effort though. Truth is, it's just not that simple.

 

We have been in minimal contact. 3 days after our BU I got a text from him asking if I was OK and that he hoped I was feeling a little better. I lied and told him I was much better and we chatted thru text a bit about our weekends. I felt like I was soaring on air after his text though, that he still cared. Next contact was Thanksgiving, I texted him a quick and cheerful Happy Thanksgiving and he actually called me like 2 minutes later. We talked like friends for about 10 minutes, just catching up on each other’s lives and we avoided any “us” issues. Again, I was so happy just to hear from him, it feel like he actually does care about me as a person, which means a lot. I was just so glad he didn’t hate me. Last contact was 5 days ago when I emailed him something funny and he responded a few minutes later with a friendly response. I don’t have any illusions that he wants to get back together, but it’s nice to still have him in my life in any capacity. When we do talk I REFUSE to talk about “us” even though I still have so many questions swirling around in my head and I feel like I need answers. All it will do is things through the mud even more. I lost my self respect by being needy, and I need to restore that. I know that I won’t like any answer that he gives me except for the one I want to hear and it’ll just confuse me more and we’ll end up fighting. If we keep revisiting what happened neither of us will ever move on. All I need to know is that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me right now and how or why or when and if just don’t matter. If we got back together the same issues would still be there. Why would I want to do that to myself? Why would you? Truth is if you contact him you'll never get the answers you're looking for and will ony dig yourself in deeper.

 

Right now I need to go NC for a while though I know I'll get the inevitable Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's calls/texts. I still can't imagine him out of my life forever though, and I think in the end I can salvage a friendship with him. Not one where we hang out and go to dinner like we used to, and not for a while, but eventually we might get to the point where we can meet for coffee every once in a while. You might ask why I’d want it but he is a family friend and he’ll always be around in some way and also b/c we both recently went through nasty divorces and part of our relationship was that we shared so much to help each other through it. We took comfort in each other and I feel like I lost not only a lover but a confidant, and I truly do care about him and want him to be happy, even if it’s not with me. Maybe I’m fooling myself? Right now if I picture him taking another woman to the restaurants we used to go to I’ll be devastated. I’m not there yet.

 

The missing him just sucks so much, missing what we used to have and knowing it will never be the same.