He texts he wants to split up for a while - Should I reply?

[Gottabestrong]

Wow, Pinky, it feels like we are nearly in the exact same situation. I know exactly how you feel and I know that if I received a short message from him I would be so happy just to know that he still cares about me as a human being. How pathetic.

 

Like you I believe that NC is the way to go. Today is day 6 and I plan to stick to it as long as necessary. It is so difficult though and I think about him all the time.

 

All the best and lots of hugs!

[Gottabestrong]

Alright, so it has been 7 days of NC now. It feels like I have not spoken to him and we have been broken up for ages. It still hurts when I think about him, but I am doing much better now and whenever I start to get mopey and emotional I remember all the times in our relationship when I felt sad and unloved and those memories help me realize this breakup was for the best.

 

I hope that the next time I post I will be feeling even better. Though experience tells me that I will probably have a few relapses on the road to the recovery.

[Gottabestrong]

4 days ago I was talking to my best friend about the breakup (as usual) and she asked me why I didn't just call him. The thing I did not understand was why he had not replied to my 'goodbye' email and it really kept me from moving on. She read the email I sent him and said she might not reply to it either. While the words sounded friendly, the tone was not, instead it sounded like I was really angry and never wanted to hear from him ever again.

 

I told her I did not want to break NC and possibly humiliate myself. She thought that was a stupid thought. She said I would not humiliate myself by saying hi, but only if I begged him for another chance. She does not believe in NC and thinks it is better to communicate than play a game of 'chicken' and see who folds first. Especially since this kept me from moving on. So while we were still talking I sent him a text with the content of "Thinking about you". I figured if he did not reply I had my friend there to help me through it, and she thought I was a wuss if him not replying was going to set me back. She also said that he probably would not reply with something like "Here is a pic of my new girlfriend", which would have really hurt me, but would also allow me to move on.

 

Anyway, he replied straight away and we talked for over an hour. At first we just caught up on what has been happening with us in the last few weeks but then we talked about the breakup. He brought it up. He finally gave me a better explanation on why he ended things, and I got some of my lingering questions answered. Bottom line is we are still over, but he still cares about me and hopes we stay friendly if not friends.

 

This last conversation has really helped me. I waited a few days to post, because I did not want to say I was relieved and then have a relapse the next day, but it has been 4 days and I am still feeling better.

 

The important point for me is to accept that we are really over and that while we are both hurting, we cannot help each other through the breakup. I am still sad, but it is a different sadness. It really helps to know that he still cares and would like to hear from me, so if I ever feel weak and text him, I know I won't feel like I am chasing after him, but that he will actually be happy to hear from me. He asked me to stay in touch twice.

 

That being said I don't plan on contacting him any time soon. I will continue doing my best to move on and heal, and if I miss him very much I will think about the reasons we are not together and how I was not happy at many times in our relationship anyway.

 

I know every relationship and every breakup is different, but in my case talking to my ex once more has really helped me find closure. Not every ex is a jerk, sometimes 'love just ain't enough' and it is possible to say goodbye in a caring way without having to cut the ex out of your life forever.

[Gottabestrong]

It's been 6 days since we talked and I really miss him right now. Probably because I am flying back home tomorrow morning, and for the longest time I had been looking forward to that day, expecting him to pick me up at the airport and just daydreaming of how it would feel to hold and kiss him again.

 

Now he won't be there and I don't plan on seeing him or contacting him at all. He accepted a job halfway across the country and will be moving at the end of the month. In our conversation last week he told me that was one of the main reasons he broke it off between us, he does not see a future for us and he does not want to be in a LDR where we don't get to see each other more than 3-4 times a year and where neither of us plans on moving to even the other's state, forget about town.

 

So I know it is the sensible thing to do, to go our separate ways and try and find happiness with other people, but it still hurts.

 

He asked me to stay in touch and told me that he still loves and misses me. I know it would be so easy to give him a call and just chat, but I know if I do this I won't be able to move on, so I am staying strong and not contacting him, even though it would give me momentary release.

[Pinky777]

It's hard. I'm glad he was finally honest with you at least and now you know why it won't work out. Sometimes it helps to get that closure. You know it's for the best. I broke NC spoke to my ex yesterday for about 15 minutes, he called me after I sent a hello email and we us just catching up on each other's lives, even joking about my erratic behavior just before the BU. It was wonderful to hear from him but I now I'm having all of these fantasies of meeting up and I know that can't happen. know I'm not allowing myself to fully move on. Be smarter than me. If he cares about you, he will always care even if the intensity of the feelings fade and not forget you even if you two move in different directions. Maybe in a few months when you're in a better place you can see how he's doing then.

[Gottabestrong]

Today it has been 4 weeks since the breakup. It seems like much longer ago, but also like it just happened. Weird.

 

Ever since we had that talk nearly two weeks ago I have been feeling much better. It still hurts, but I got closure and the horrible pain and sting of rejection is gone.

 

He has texted me twice since then, nothing major just a quick hello. I responded to the first text, but not the second. Even though I hold no animosity towards him, I know I won't be able to fully move on if we are still in frequent touch. I'd rather not tell him that though, but just fade away. I expect a text for the holidays and plan on replying with a short message. I don't think I need absolute NC to move on, but definitely low contact of maybe a short message every few months at the max. Though I expect us to lose touch in the near future since our relationship did not last that long after all, and also it's been over 3 months since we last saw each other in person.

 

It is weird to be in a breakup like this. He blames external circumstances for the split and I guess I am coming around to his point of view. Though I can't forget the fact that I was willing to hang in there, but he gave up. That piece of knowledge keeps me from being 100% 'cool' with him. I guess I will be completely over the breakup when I don't care about that anymore and can answer questions on why it did not work out with "Oh, you know, the distance just made it too difficult to maintain a relationship."

 

Anyway, I hope you are all hanging in there.

[Gottabestrong]

I have been struggling a bit lately.

 

He traveled cross-country for his new job last Sunday and because it is a long trip and I was a bit worried about him (driving through snow storms) I texted him and asked if he was doing alright. This led to us talking a bit these last few days, and every time he would say things like: "I love you. I miss you. I am thinking about you." etc.

 

So yesterday I asked him why he said those things even though we have been broken up for over a month now. I told him that this confused me and kept me from moving on with my life and forgetting about the relationship. His reply was that he did not do it on purpose, he just felt that way and was being honest. He also asked me if I'd rather 'forget about him' or stay in touch.

 

I thought about it for a few hours and then send him a text saying that it was too difficult and confusing for me to be in touch with him right now. Especially if he keeps being so affectionate, and that I think it is for the best if we are not in touch for a while. He did not reply, which I guess is for the best.

 

So I guess I am back to doing NC. I wish I was strong enough to be able to stay in contact with an ex after a breakup, but I guess I am not. At least not for now. I am still glad I broke NC two weeks ago, because it led to a conversation that gave me closure and answered a lot of my remaining questions. But now I know it is time to get back to it. It will be really difficult, especially because of Christmas, New Years and his birthday, which is coming up in a few days. I had thought about starting NC after all those important dates, but I guess that would just be delaying the inevitable.

 

Day 1 of NC. Hope this time I can make it through at least a month.

 

How is everybody else doing today?

[MyAngel]

Strong, I think you have made the right decision. It's too hard on your heart being in contact with him, although a large part of you would like to keep in contact.

 

I hope your rough patch eases soon and that you can keep the NC going <3

[Gottabestrong]

Thank you Angel, I really appreciate your kind words.

[cavalier99]

Hey glad your back to NC. IT unfortunately is too hard to be friends with an EX while there is any emotional attachment. Your not weak just normal. I got a really nice email form my EX a couple days ago and it sort of messed me up. Yesterday was the worst day I've had in a while. Thinking about her. What she meant in the email ecetera. I didn't answer. Any contact seems to be bad even if initiated by them. I wish she hadn't written and been nice. B-ICH.

 

Im better today. Stay NC so you can heal. All those i love yous from him are f-kin evil! You should hate him for saying it...at least for now.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi cavalier,

thank you for your post. It is so hard, but I know it is for the best. He might love me and miss me, but he is obviously not interested in being in a relationship with me right now, and I just can't be happy with anything less than that right now.

 

I know what you mean. Even nice contact is bad. It just confuses and hurts me. I am so tempted to write to him and wish him a Merry Christmas. But I am sure he does not even care if he is going to hear from me, so I am trying to be strong and not do it.

 

I hate breakups!!!

[Samilia]

Hi there,

my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and we are both in our 30ies. The last two months have been rough on me, mostly because we are physically apart (I moved for work) and he doesn't really seem to care. He never talks about missing me, or wanting to see me again soon (he claims that's because guys don't say things like that) and he has gotten more and more distant over the last few weeks.

 

I have tried to talk about it with him many times, but he always had some excuse and never admitted that his feelings are waning.

 

Yesterday was our anniversary and all I got from him was one lousy text saying: "hey, I think it is our Anniverary. Happy Anniversary". I replied saying Happy Anniverary too and that I loved and missed him. He did not reply and so after a few hours I sent him a text saying that I am hurt and that I have not felt like he loves me or wants to be my boyfriend for a while now.

 

His reply: "If you feel this way, maybe we should split up for a while."

 

I have not replied and am not sure I should. He basically dumped me, right? Even if he did not say it clearly.

 

I would really love to go back to the way things were before, when he was this loving, attentive, romantic boyfriend. But I don't see how that is going to happen.

 

He says we should 'split up for a while', but experience tells me that is bull**** and he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings by clearly stating that he does not want to be with me anymore. Though his actions have made that very clear over the last 2 months.

 

Any advice? Thanks for reading!

 

Drop him, move on, yes. You're in your thirties, time is passing by fast. I'm 38 and though I can still meet someone, there's no age for that, I can kiss the kids and house good bye. Do you really want to waste time over this?

[Gottabestrong]

Today is day 9 of my NC. I had wished my ex a Happy New Year in my last message to him. He never replied. When I woke up this morning and saw that he did not contact me in any form I got so angry. And hurt. But mostly angry at him for not even extending the courtesy of a short reply to me. What a jerk. Hope this means I am moving on to the anger stage. I am sure he has a million excuses why he did not reply, but I don't care. If he does not care enough to wish me the best for the new year, then he really has no place in my life anymore. I deleted the app we used to text, so now he can't contact me anymore. I hope he tries and realizes I deleted it. Jerk.

[Divasu]

Today is day 9 of my NC. I had wished my ex a Happy New Year in my last message to him. He never replied. When I woke up this morning and saw that he did not contact me in any form I got so angry. And hurt. But mostly angry at him for not even extending the courtesy of a short reply to me. What a jerk. Hope this means I am moving on to the anger stage. I am sure he has a million excuses why he did not reply, but I don't care. If he does not care enough to wish me the best for the new year, then he really has no place in my life anymore. I deleted the app we used to text, so now he can't contact me anymore. I hope he tries and realizes I deleted it. Jerk.

 

I'm right there with ya sista! Sorry you are hurting.

[cavalier99]

Sorry that sucks but probably for the best.

 

I'm glad i didn't get a text. No that I expected one after not responding to her nice email a week or so ago.

 

In the end it is for the best. If you had got a text now you wouldn't be angry. You need distance for it all to start to fade into the past. So be grateful you didn't get one.

 

My day sorta sucked also yesterday. She always made a huge deal of New Year and her dads birthday is today. I'm sure she celebrated it with her new guy and family. The 8 prior years with me are a thing of the past. Good riddance

 

3 month NC and holding strong. I'm not recovered but you will be if you make it 3-4 months

Edited January 1, 2013 by cavalier99

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Cav,

that sucks. I am impressed you are doing so well though. If I were in your place I would probably still be curled up in a corner somewhere, contemplating everything I have lost.

 

I hope you are doing better today. And I agree with you, it is probably for the best that he did not reply. Though it still hurts. Somewhere deep down I still have this fantasy that he will 'come to his senses', realize that he made a huge mistake and ask me for another chance. But I guess that is not gonna happen and the longer I go without hearing from him the faster I will accept that.

 

3 months NC? I can't contemplate getting there, it's been 9 days and it feels like a lifetime. But I'll do my best to stay strong and hopefully by the time the 3 months periods is up I won't even notice.

 

Happy New Year! I hope it brings you everything you could wish for!

[cavalier99]

Same to you. Happy New year! Lets have an awwsome 2013. Im going to get in great shape! I mean im ok now but...you know ..want six pack lol must buy proetin shakes.

 

Rock on!!

[Gottabestrong]

Damn, I am so angry right now!

 

My ex just contacted me for the first time in 3 weeks and with what? Just to say that the Football team we both support won yesterday. So the **** what??? After 3 weeks and me getting a bit of quiet and calm into my heart he has to contact me with that crap? And then disappear again after I wrote back 'Yay!'?

 

That messed me up so bad. I wish he had not done it. Since I did not ask any questions or engage in a conversation I am sure I won't hear from him again, but I wish he had not contacted me just now. Aargh!!!

[cavalier99]

Yeah I'm beginning to think even the most benign contact is a total cluster f*ck for us.

 

Yay???? That was hilarious and so contrary to how you feel that it made me laugh. sorry.

 

This stuff would be hilarious if it want so damn difficult

[Gottabestrong]

Hey cav,

I saw your thread and know you are having a ****ty day as well. Sorry you are feeling down. It sucks the way our exes just don't seem to miss us at all and think it is fine to send us a message if they happen to think of us some day. I am sure this is going to set me back at least a week in my healing progress. Darn it, at least he could have thrown an 'how are you' my way. Was that too much to ask? A-hole!

[cavalier99]

Im feeling better now. Thanks for thinking of me

 

I guess we need to just ride these things out. Yay