He texts he wants to split up for a while - Should I reply?

[I'm nuts]

 

 

 

I have drafted a reply, but not sent it to him yet.

 

What do you think?

 

Don't even think about it. He has been very clear to you, if you continue to reply you'll p!ss him off even more, he now has said his part, case closed.

 

You'll find someone else, there are always people just around the corner and they always come along when we are not looking for it, I believe being desperate and going on dating sites never/rarely works, but that's just me.

[Gottabestrong]

Don't even think about it. He has been very clear to you' date=' if you continue to reply you'll p!ss him off even more, he now has said his part, case closed.[/quote']

 

Really? That thought never occured to me. You think he does not want me to reply? How can you/I tell?

[movingon12]

Well, it might piss him off or it might make him feel smug and self-important or both, depends on the guy. But nobody likes needy people, you've asked, he's answered. Imagine it was the other way round, and he *kept* emailing you, detailing the problems and asking for another chance and you *kept* saying no and explaining why. How many emails would it take before you just thought 'oh ffs, when is he going to get the message???' All that will happen is he won't reply, or he'll say no - again - and less sensitively.

[Sugarkane]

Really? That thought never occured to me. You think he does not want me to reply? How can you/I tell?

 

Because he has already rejected you and told you. Chasing them will only make things worse. Don't you deserve someone who won't dump you by text and blame you for it? And puts no effort in?

[Gottabestrong]

I guess I just figured that right now it is not all said and done yet. Because he sent me this long email detailling his emotions, and yesterday when I sent him that pathetic email asking for another chance, he texted me after a short while saying that he was not ignoring me but was at work and could not talk right now, but he would email me later.

 

In the email he sent this morning he also said that he never thought of breaking up and that he does love me and miss me, but that he just doesnt seem to be able to give me what I need and so we should not be together.

 

Maybe it is important to mention that his last girlfriend was seriously depressed and he stayed in the relationship a year longer than he wanted, because she told him she would kill herself if he left her. He told me that and from the beginning he said that he can't be responsible for my happiness. I have to be happy on my own, but if the relationship does not make me happy I should leave.

 

Bottom line, I think he has not made up his mind completely on our breakup yet, and I am worried that if I ignore his email he will think I have decided it is best we break up and he won't contact me anymore. Even if he would have been willing to. I just don't want to push him away.

 

This is how he ended his email:

So that's where I'm at. Probably didn't help or clear anything up...it didn't for me anyway...but that's where I'm at.

Where to go from here...I don't know.

Edited November 25, 2012 by Gottabestrong
added a quote from his email

[Gottabestrong]

Oh, and when he originally broke up with me he texted that he thought we should "split up for a while". When I did not reply he sent me an email the next day complaining about me giving him the silent treatment and saying that we should split up for good now.

 

It just seems that ignoring him is not the way to go if I am hoping for reconcilliation. Not that I really think that is in the cards. But I don't want to drive him further away.

[movingon12]

He broke up with you (by text!). Then he made the break up public on fb. He knows what he wants. He isn't going to change. He isnt offering to change. He isn't even offering to try to change. He's basically saying that you weren't happy in the relationship (which is true) and there's no point being in a relationship that makes you unhappy (also true).

 

Ask yourself: if you could go back to the relationship as it had been recently (*not* the honeymoon period at the start) would you want to be in that relationship?

 

Best case: he's trying to protect your feelings by being vague and 'oh I love and miss you'

 

Worst case (and I suspect it's this): he likes the fact that you're begging him and will carry on stringing you along by not giving you a definite answer. His reaction after you didn't reply straight away to his first break up text makes me think he's just playing games now.

[Gottabestrong]

Wow. You are so right. No matter what I like to interpret and read between the lines the facts remain the same:

 

he has

• been distant and emotionally unavailable for a while now
  
• he broke up with me via text
  
• he made the breakup public via facebook the next day
  
• when I practically begged him for another chance, he did not say yes (or no) but just reiterated that he feels our relationship is not working

 

I really need to at least try and save my pride, even if I can't save my heart. I told him how I feel, I put it all out there, if he does not say that he wants to give it another chance, than it is best for me to move on. Staying in touch with an ex has never worked for me in the past and has only ever prolonged my suffering.

 

Thanks again for giving me a dose of reality. You don't know me, but you have really helped me those few days. Thank you so much!

[Gottabestrong]

Alright, I have managed to make it through the day without contacting him. It has been very difficult and I still feel that maybe there is no harm in sending him one last email, asking him to not contact me anymore unless he wants to reconcile.

 

On the other hand, everyone tells me not to do it, and I don't trust my own judgement right now, so I am going to follow everyone's advice.

 

I guess that makes it Day 1 of my NC. It has been more than 27 hours since I last contacted him. I never thought that would be the last time, because it was a short text about Viber not working, but whatever.

[cavalier99]

There is NEVER a good last text or email. They all suck and sometimes are insignificant. Just pull the plug and take the plunge! It gets better. NC is the only way to restore your sanity. Withdrawal from this toxic communication TRULY begins now. In a few weeks the worst part should be over and you will be used to NC. It is just a new habit you need to learn to get your confidence and self worth back. Then you wont want to break it every second.

 

Congrats on 1 day!

 

Ps how do you feel about wanting to sent just one last email? Thinking about it? How do u feel about waiting hear what he will say after you sent it? See what i mean? What is the point. Stop the torment! Good luck

Edited November 25, 2012 by cavalier99

[cavalier99]

Now I dont want to go back on what I said. ... BUT if you TRULY cant resist A FINAL text. It should be something like.

 

"I have decided that I want to totally move on and prefer no communication whatsoever. I would respectfully ask that you do not communicate with me at any point in the future. I will not receive it anyway. Thank you for respecting my wishes."

 

Some other people might have a better worded text but this is the essence of it. Dont say anything else ...keep it purly professional and distant. He knows how you feel ecetera. no need to tell him again.

 

Then block his phone number through your phone carrier and email ecetera.

 

Now that being said it is truly up to you if you sent this last text. I did something similar and dont regret it. Although at the end of the day it all really doesnt matter. He is done in your world from this point forward. Just heal!

Edited November 25, 2012 by cavalier99

[Pinky777]

I really need to at least try and save my pride, even if I can't save my heart. I told him how I feel, I put it all out there, if he does not say that he wants to give it another chance, than it is best for me to move on

 

You've said all you can say. He knows how you feel, he knows where to find you if he wants you. And it's not easy to hear, but you know now that he does not want a relationship with you and you have to respect his decision. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, he's the one that 's the jerk. I'm sure he really did feel those things in the beginning, maybe he got scared or maybe his feelings just changed. It sucks but it happens to great people every day. But he went about breaking up with you in such a ****ty way that I'm not sure why you'd even want to reconcile with him at this point. He's shown himself to be a coward and a manipulator (getting all upset after you didn't reply to his text that first time) and is acting like a child.

 

I'm going through a really similar situation as you. I'm also in my 30s. You'd think we'd know better at our age but love is not a rational thing and we don't always make the best choices. Last year I went through a really ugly separation from my husband, we were only married for 2 years but together for 15. Long story I won't go into here but after about 6 months (which in retrospect probably too soon) I really managed to put a lot of the hurt behind me and start dating again. My sister set me up with friend of her husband's family who was also divorced, our situations were actually very similar. I didn't think too much of it, I figured we'd get together for a couple of nice dinners and that was that.

 

Well we hit it off right away, and the connection I felt with this guy was so completely amazing and overwhelming and something I'd never experienced before, not since meeting my husband. Upon meeting him I knew I met the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. It sounds crazy. It is. It wasn't even so much a physical attraction, thought that was there too. He wined and dined me, we became exlusive within a week. I met his kids, his family, we did everything together when he didn't have his kids. He would say the sweetest most romantic things to me too. He came on strong and I fell hard. After a couple months, I felt ready to say those three words so I let them fly. I think he got a little freaked and said he didn't feel that way just yet, but we seemed to get through it. After that he backed a way slightly but was still very very good to me.

 

Then at about the six month mark, his kids started school, he took on extra coaching duties and we began to spend less and less time together. Things weren't the same anymore and he began to get distant. The daily phone calls stopped. He didn't text me as much anymore. He would tell me that he was just stressed from everything going on in his life and that his issues were with him, not me. But I could feel a difference and it seemed like he was just withdrawing. I was the one making plans, not him. I was the one doing the chasing. The needier I got, it seemed, the more distant and turned off to that he got. But I coudn't stop myself. He even told me he didn't really have the time or the energy to be in a relationship right now, but he wouldn't break it off, which confused me. I should have let go, but I called him too much and didn't let him miss me.

 

It came to a point one day when he blew off plans that I thought we had, and I called him up very drunk and blew up his phone with about ten phone calls and a bunch of desperate texts. Yes I'm 35 and not proud of the way I acted, but I was tired of him ignoring me. We had a long talk the next day and we both feel it's better to just be friends. That's where we are now and it's hard. I'm trying to respect his decision to not be in a relationship right now. And while it was a mutual breakup in a way, I felt like he broke it off a few weeks ago by his distance, and for whever reason he just didn't have the courage to tell me. He said he should have been more up front, but that he didn't know what he wants. He still has a lot of trust issues from his ex. I'm now starting to see the relationship for what it is, a rebound. For both of us. It hurts, but knowing that is helping me to move forward. yes it's only been about 7 months, and it feels silly to be so upset over this but it's what I feel.

 

I still haven't decided if I want complete NC or to try the friends thing, but of course I know what I should do. I still feel like there's something there. No matter, it won't work right now and even if we do get back together it won't be the way it was in the beginning, it will be the way it was near the end, which upset me. But all we can do is move forward. It's hard. But you're not alone. I'm sure it will get better in time. If I can get over my ex husband when he was in my life for 15 years, I can get over this guy. It just hurts so much right now.

[moveONorStay]

I'm sure it will get better in time. If I can get over my ex husband when he was in my life for 15 years, I can get over this guy. It just hurts so much right now.

 

Breaking up really sucks. At the end you feel like all of the love, effort, feelings and sometimes money spent on a relationship that doesn't work out is just a waste!

[Treasa]

I hope you're still in NC. Trust me, I have been where you are. I've been gaslighted, strung along, and made to feel like such a fool after that I wish I could go back in time and tell those losers (oh yes, I did it more than once) to F off, because *I* was the prize, and I didn't need their stupid crap. If a guy isn't drop-dead in love with me and crazy about me, he can screw himself. I can do better on my own than with a guy only willing to give me a small portion of what I deserve.

 

And that's all you're getting with him saying he still loves you and doesn't know where things are. That's just a ploy to keep you hanging on in case he gets lonely or bored. Don't fall for it!! You should be pissed as hell. And pissed off enough to not contact him back.

 

When I begged my ex a couple of years ago for another chance, he sent me this long flowery email about how much he loved me, and how their might be another chance someday, and how beautiful I was, blah blah blah, but at the end of the day, after I kept pushing, he said, "I know I miss having a girlfriend, but I'm not sure you're the one I want."

 

THAT was a cold, hard wake-up slap that I desperately needed. My pride, thankfully, took over at that point, and I never replied to him again. He joined FB a few days later, and even sent me a random email, but I didn't reply. I was no longer interested in being his little kick toy.

 

Please don't reply. Even if he does ever want you back again (and please don't hope for it or count on it), it shouldn't be because of what you wrote, but because of who you are, which he already knows. Show him how strong you are. Go NC. We're all here for you. He isn't. That pathetic loser should be the last thing on your mind.

 

What are some truly personal goals you have for yourself?

[movingon12]

Alright, I have managed to make it through the day without contacting him. It has been very difficult and I still feel that maybe there is no harm in sending him one last email, asking him to not contact me anymore unless he wants to reconcile.

 

On the other hand, everyone tells me not to do it, and I don't trust my own judgement right now, so I am going to follow everyone's advice.

 

I guess that makes it Day 1 of my NC. It has been more than 27 hours since I last contacted him. I never thought that would be the last time, because it was a short text about Viber not working, but whatever.

 

Congratulations! Day 1 is done! (btw I was deadly serious about what I wrote in my other post about the calendar and gold stars - that's literally what I did with my ex, seeing all the little stars lined up really helps when you're weakening to remind you of how well you've done so far.)

 

Do NOT text him to tell him not to contact you. As far as I can see, he hasn't been textng you, *you've* been texting *him* and he's been replying. If you tell him not to contact you it just makes you look foolish.

 

If he has been playing games, he probably will text you soon (though he'll do this whether you tell him not or to or not) just to make sure you haven't lost interest and to get the ego boost of knowing you'd still take him back if he wanted it.

 

Stay strong

[Gottabestrong]

Good morning everyone,

thank you so much for your messages.

 

I managed to not text him yesterday or this morning since I got up. But of course the first thing I did when I got up was check my emails and texts. Nothing from him. That hurt and also drove home the fact that we are really over. He has had over 38 hours since I asked him for another chance. He obviously does not want to get back together, or he would have contacted me about it already and said something. Even: "give me some time to think about it." Just something to make sure I was still here waiting for him. The fact that he has not, makes it clear to me that he has no intention of reconciling.

 

It hurts like a mother****er, but I am really glad now that I did not send the last email. It was rather mushy and full of feelings and emotions. Someone who is willing to walk out of my life without even trying to see if we can work it out, does not deserve my emotions. I really wish I had pulled the cord 2 months ago, when he started getting distant and did not change when I called him on it. Lesson learned: In my next relationship, when a guy seems to lose interest I will talk to him about it once and give him a chance to change. If he doesn't, I am leaving.

 

I remember that saying I read somewhere: "People don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, but the way you demand to be treated." I have to remember that and not put up with disrespectful behaviour.

 

Again, thank you all for reading and posting. It really helps. I am off to work now, but will post later and let you know if I made it through another day without breaking down. Fingers crossed!

[somedude81]

Also, he says the issues might be caused by the distance between us, which makes a lot of sense because he has changed since I moved. Back then I asked him if he was sure he wanted to stay in a relationship and he said that "not seeing each other is not a deal-breaker" for him. I guess things have changed since then.

I'm amazed at how many people continue to miss this point.

 

They were in a relationship and then she moved away and it became a LDR. And it doesn't seem like he was able to handle that.

 

Another point, they've been dating for six months, she's been gone for two. So they've only been dating four months before it became a LDR.

 

Yeah breaking up over text is lame but I completely understand why he wants to end it.

 

What I don't get is why Bestrong wants to stay in it. They were certainly not in a relationship for these past two months.

[Gottabestrong]

 

What I don't get is why Bestrong wants to stay in it. They were certainly not in a relationship for these past two months.

 

Are you against long-distance relationships in general, or just mine? I disagree that we were not in a relationship for the last two months. Yes, we did not see each other in person, but we talked every day, we Skyped and we shared our lives with each other. That also constitutes a relationship. I have not seen some of my relatives in months and the same goes for many of my friends, nevertheless they are still my relatives and my friends.

 

And to answer your question why I would have liked to stay in the relationship: I still love him and had hopes for the future. The long-distance would have only been temporary, as we would have been back together in a few months.

[somedude81]

Are you against long-distance relationships in general, or just mine? I disagree that we were not in a relationship for the last two months. Yes, we did not see each other in person, but we talked every day, we Skyped and we shared our lives with each other. That also constitutes a relationship. I have not seen some of my relatives in months and the same goes for many of my friends, nevertheless they are still my relatives and my friends.

 

And to answer your question why I would have liked to stay in the relationship: I still love him and had hopes for the future. The long-distance would have only been temporary, as we would have been back together in a few months.

I'm mostly against LDR's in general.

 

BTW, are you sure you were in a relationship for the past two months?

The last two months have been rough on me, mostly because we are physically apart (I moved for work) and he doesn't really seem to care. He never talks about missing me, or wanting to see me again soon (he claims that's because guys don't say things like that) and he has gotten more and more distant over the last few weeks.

Anyways, it may be worth trying again when you two can actually be around each other. Until then, I wouldn't expect much.

[Gottabestrong]

I have made it through day 2 of NC. It's still really hard. I know in my head it is better this way and I am not really planning on contacting him, but every once in a while I get weak for a few minutes and earlier I got really close to sending him a 'miss you' text.

 

I am glad I did not, but I don't really trust myself to be strong right now. I know I am gonna be okay and this is not going to break me, I still have a pretty great life and just started the job of my dreams (which is why I moved), but I just get so sad when I think about him and what might have been. When we were together everything felt so good and we were both so happy, why did it end so quickly and why did he not want to wait till the time we would be back together in a few weeks?

 

Anyway, I am hanging in there. How long till it will get easier? One week, two? Please tell me it won't be too long. And how long till he realizes he made a huge mistake and will ask me to get back together? That's a stupid question, I know. A better one: How long till I don't care anymore whether he will come back or not?

[Treasa]

Some people here have been trying to get over their exes for YEARS. The longest relationship I was ever in, and the one that messed me up the most when it ended took me five weeks to get over.

 

Honestly, I didn't get over him in those five weeks. I got over him in the span of time it took to read, "I know I miss having a girlfriend, but I'm not certain if you're the one I want," and me realizing that *I* didn't want to be with *him* anymore. I don't take a backseat to ANYONE.

 

It wasn't so much letting go of hope as much as violently shoving it away because I no longer wanted it. I didn't want him anymore.

 

So in reality, once I decided to actually get over him, I was over him in about five seconds. The pain didn't fully go away for a couple of days after that, but I never cried or was upset over him or missing him ever again.

[Gottabestrong]

Nice.

 

I guess that's the drawback of having a guy dump you in a 'friendly way'. You don't really get angry and start to hate him right away.

 

Though the way he anounced our breakup to the world by changing his facebook relationship status felt like a slap in the face or a stab in the heart. Luckily I had already changed my status to 'private' but if not, everybody would have seen. What a douchy move. I got to remember that and realize that I would not want to be with a guy who does a ****ty thing like that anyway.

[Treasa]

That's right, hon. You can do better and you deserve better. Is this someone you'd be happy with for the rest of your life? Someone who treats you this poorly? Nope, I didn't think so.

 

Feel free to message me anytime you want if you'd like an ear. Or a shoulder. Or a whatever.

[Gottabestrong]

Thanks Treasa, I appreciate the offer. And feel free to do the same, please.

[movingon12]

I have made it through day 2 of NC. It's still really hard. I know in my head it is better this way and I am not really planning on contacting him, but every once in a while I get weak for a few minutes and earlier I got really close to sending him a 'miss you' text.

 

I am glad I did not, but I don't really trust myself to be strong right now. I know I am gonna be okay and this is not going to break me, I still have a pretty great life and just started the job of my dreams (which is why I moved), but I just get so sad when I think about him and what might have been. When we were together everything felt so good and we were both so happy, why did it end so quickly and why did he not want to wait till the time we would be back together in a few weeks?

 

Anyway, I am hanging in there. How long till it will get easier? One week, two? Please tell me it won't be too long. And how long till he realizes he made a huge mistake and will ask me to get back together? That's a stupid question, I know. A better one: How long till I don't care anymore whether he will come back or not?

 

Everyday it will get a *bit* easier, but as to how long it takes until it gets 'easy' depends on how good you are staying NC, how much he tries to mess with your head and how good you are at keeping yourself busy on other things.

 

How long it takes before he realises he made a mistake- hard to tell. It took my ex 18 months, others realise much faster, some never realise or never admit it, and some (many?) know they made the right decision and never regret it.

 

The 'not caring whether he come's back' will come before you stop being mad at him though. I've been bu from my ex for 5 years, and honestly I'm still in the 'i hope he's miserable for the rest of his life' phase, partly because he keeps contacting me once a year or so and reminding me how much of a twat he is. I'm still mad at myself for wasting so much of my life with him and letting him cause me so much pain. At some point I'll move into 'paul who? meh, whatever', but not there yet.