He texts he wants to split up for a while - Should I reply?

[itsmyfault]

Really, There isn't a definate amount of time until you are over him. It's all down to you though.

 

Keep NC, Never break it. Not even a whisper. (this will be the best help, and make your progress swift)

 

Keep busy, Go out partying, See Family, See Friends, They are incredible creature and always make a bad thing better.

 

Do something new, Join a gym, do some charity work. Just something different that you have always wanted to.

 

And yest, It will get better, It will get easier. You will be free from these feeling.

I can't put a time scale on it as everyone is different.

 

But if you go out and LIVE, I'd think you will feel much better in 1-4 months.

You may not be over him, but I don't think it will hurt anymore.

[Gottabestrong]

Day 3 of NC and Day 5 of being broken up is coming to a close.

 

It feels like so long ago, but also like it just happened. A week ago we talked all day and I thought he was getting more open emotionally again. Maybe it was the last hurrah before the end. I hear that happens sometimes, just before they dump you for good they suddenly act as if they were still deeply in love with you. Maybe so they can see if it makes sense to save the relationship. I guess he decided against it, because the next day he was as distant as usual and two days later he dumped me.

 

I feel like I am still in the stage of denial and shock. Still think about him every minute of the day, still check my emails a lot. Though I have been able to cut it down to a few times a day, and I am also checking my text messages only a few times per day. I am so glad now that we used this app to communicate and he is the only one I used it with. So he is the only reason for me to check it and I can feel the will to stop checking it getting stronger every day. Hopefully by the weekend I will be able to only check it once a day and then very soon only once per week and then maybe not at all.

 

But I guess the real sign of me moving on and healing will be the day when I don't feel the need to post on here and read all posts that could possibly be mirroring my own situation.

 

Thanks for reading and commenting, it really helps.

[Treasa]

I've been there, sweetie. It really didn't get better until I realized how much I loved myself. And I love myself MUCH MUCH more than I ever loved him, which is a good thing. I put myself first. No one who truly loves you would do this to you. You deserve to be with someone who's crazy about you. And if this guy isn't, it's clearly his problem, not yours. He's an idiot.

[cavalier99]

The first week or 2 was the f-in worst. Seemed like 2 years went by in slow motion. Emotions all over the place. Pure disbelief ahhhh horrible. I needed to get on my knees and pray daily. And I rarely pray. I kept on thinking while i was in pure hell it was just normal time for her. I gets better. Right now everything is so fresh. Pure withdrawal is what is happening. Just like heroin but worse lol. At 3 weeks the worst of the immediate withdrawl was over..the comes subsequent phases. This all assumes NC

 

Im at about 2 months and am feeling pretty damn good after a 7 year relationship. NC works!

[Gottabestrong]

Thank you both for posting. It helps to know that you went through the same thing and made it out on the other side.

 

Wow, 7 years, and you are doing good after 2 months of NC. I hope I can copy your pace, because then I should be feeling good in no time.

 

What I am really worried about are the holidays. I will be flying back home and am sure the whole time I will be thinking about the plans we had and how we should be together right now. I just hope by then I will be far enough removed from the breakup to not break down and contact him. But these are going to be some very difficult days. Wish it was the spring or summer already.

 

Are you worried about your first holidays without your partners? I can't even watch TV right now, that stupid Philadelphia commercial makes me cry every single time. It seems like everyone is in love and happy and I am the odd one out.

[cavalier99]

Have you blocked his phone number with your carrier? Erase that special app. you use with him. Have you deleted his contact info in you phone. Old emails?

 

Doing these things are important and are steps to show yourself are truly committed to getting over this. It is tough but liberating. I deleted 7 years of communication. Liberate yourself from his influence and what was the relationship. Start really putting it in a metaphorical box that you throw away or burn. Thats what i think anyway.

 

Cry..imagine he is with other people make yourself sick thinking about it. Mourn daily remeber the good times and tell your self it is over... then shake it off. Do it again and again. Really feel the pain until you cant anymore. This also helped me. See what Navy Air Traffic says in his guide. It hepled me some.

[Gottabestrong]

I have not deleted anything, but I have put it all away. And like I said I am working on not using/deleting the app. Instead of having it on all the time, I now check it only a few times per day, but hope to decrease it to once per day and then per week soon.

 

Luckily the email I used to communicate with him, is one I don't use for any important communications, so I can also decrease my checking of it to once per day.

 

I am in the process of getting a new phone number, which he won't have, but he never called me on this number anyway, so that won't make a difference. I have deleted him off facebook and Skype.

 

Thanks for pointing me towards NavyAirTraffic's guide, I've read it and it made me feel better for a minute.

[Gottabestrong]

News: He emailed me yesterday afternoon, but since I did not check this particular email address yesterday evening I only saw it today.

 

The email only consits of two lines and it is something he would usually text, I assume he emailed because he thinks I am no longer using the app we used for texts. I am glad he does.

 

This is what he said: "I hope you are okay. I am sorry I failed at so many things with you."

 

I am under no ilusion that he wants to reconcile. It sounds to me like he is surprised I have not replied to his email, and he wants to alleviate his conscience or just say goodbye, since his last email was all about how he does not know what he wants and where we should go from here.

 

I want to reply, not because I hope it leads to a second chance, but because I don't want him thinking that I am sitting here upset over him or still holding on. If I didn't reply I'd feel like I am playing childish games, holding on to hope that if I ignore him he will change his mind and come back.

 

I am going to take some time, but I thought about writing something like: "I am okay. I am sorry too, but we were probably not right for each other. Take care." It should be short and to the point, something that makes him think: Oh, I guess she is moving on then.

 

Any suggestions?

 

I realize that many of you will probably tell me to stick to NC, and I agree, but I do feel like I need some sort of closure. The last thing he heard from me was me begging him to give us another chance, and I don't want that to be his last impression of me. Also, I think I am dealing considerably well with the situation. I am still thinking about him a lot, but have not cried over him in a few days, am still able to smile and enjoy my life and I am also meeting a friend for drinks tonight, so I am no longer sitting at home wallowing in my misery.

[movingon12]

Well, you probably know what I'm going to say, stay NC. But I do understand why you want your last message to be a bit more dignified.

 

But please

 

promise yourself that this won't be opening the door to more communication (i.e. in an hour from now, when you're stewing about it, you don't add a few more 'oh and by the way....' emails)

 

and promise yourself you're not going to sit there waiting to see if he replies to your reply.

 

and promise yourself you'll write something strong ('thanks, but it's clear you weren't the right guy for me anyway, take care' rather than 'I'm sorry, we're probably not right for each other')

 

then do it, but bear in mind you'll be back to NC Day One again

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Movingon,

thank you for your advice.

 

I promise I won't do it in the hopes of getting back together. It is early morning here, I thought I would wait all day and only send him a one-liner before I go to bed at night. That way I will be sleeping afterwards and not tempted to write back straight away. I don't expect an answer and so when I wake up tomorrow I might be disappointed for a moment, but then I have to go to work and I have a few really busy days ahead of me, so that will distract me.

 

It sucks to have to start NC from scratch, but it has only been 3 days, better to break it now then when I have a week or longer under my belt.

 

I like your suggestion: "thanks, but it's clear you weren't the right guy for me anyway, take care". I might just use it.

 

I'll keep you posted.

[movingon12]

sounds like a plan. good luck!

[Million.to.1]

I would send him something. Read my signature. In the long run, it will help you avoid more set-backs.

 

This story kinda makes me sad. I know that everyone else thinks this guy was a douche-bag, but i kinda think that the distance was a big part of the problem. You needed constant validation and he just felt like he was letting you down, and from what you said about his history, that's understandable.

 

I think YOU need to take some responsibility for the demise of this relationship. You weren't happy. Your needs were not being met, but that's not his FAULT.

 

I had a VERY similar relationship ( great start, short, with some long distance in there) but ultimately I wasn't happy... especially as I got to know him on a more emotional level and when dealing with problems. He was an avoider and never took responsibility for anything. He had no emotional depth. All sizzle, no steak. But I really wanted a relationship and so I continued to fight for it. .... he became withdrawn, he was passive agressive. He ended it and I was crushed for months. I stayed NC and it helped somewhat, but he was in another relationship after a couple of months with someone he knew from before and it was much stronger than ours was, they moved in together quickly etc... and as i was alone, I found it took me a long while to move on completely.

 

In fact... It wasn't until someone else who is way more compatible from my past reconnected with me and has made me feel all those things I lacked feeling with my Ex, that i truly moved on.

 

You seem like you are doing really well. If you want to send him something, then do. I'm glad i told my ex in a final email why I wanted things to be that way. NC wasn't an ignoring game after that. It was my tool to move on, and he knew it. It was a good decision.

[movingon12]

I really think that whether or not an ex breaks NC is down to their personality rather than anything you say to them. I told my ex numerous times that I dont want to be in contact with him, he still does/did it though because ultimately he wants/wanted to get back together. He thinks what he wants is more important than what I want because that's what he's like. Some will respect your wishes and some won't. There's nothing you can do about it

[Million.to.1]

Movingon... you're right, but were you the dumper perhaps?

Dumpees might not respect a dumpers NC request as they are not able to accept the relationship is over.

 

I think most dumpers would leave the one they dumped alone if they were asked by the dumpee to do so. It's what they wanted anyway, no relationship. ....It's pretty much a free pass.

[movingon12]

It's one of those weird cases: technically I left him, but I left because he had started dating someone else and decided just to treat me badly til i chose to leave because he thought that would be less painful for me than dumping me (weird logic there). So technically I'm the dumper, but really he dumped me - he just didn't have the guts to say it

[Gottabestrong]

I am struggling a bit, maybe you can help.

 

I am at work, and of course - instead of being swamped with work as usual - right now there is nothing to do for me. I have already started cleaning my office, but that doesn't distract me either.

 

Since I plan on going out tonight, I figured I might as well set up the email I am going to send right now, so I don't do it while I am drunk and say something mushy or pathetic.

 

Well, here is my problem, for one, I have no idea why he wrote to me. Was it meant as an apology, is he worried about me, a fishing expedition to see why I did not reply to his last email, etc.? That probably should not matter, but it does.

 

I agree with Million.to.1., I don't think my ex is a jerk or a douchebag. I think he fell out of love with me and instead of saying something or trying to work on the relationship, he just let it deteriorate. I also believe that he is one of those guys who don't need a relationship. He has had long-distance relationships in the past, or relationships where he was gone for work 9 out of 12 months of the year, and that never was a problem for him.

 

Bottom line, he is not a jerk, but obviously we want/need different things out of a relationship. I am still sad it did not work out, but I am at the point where I think it is for the best.

 

Now here is my dilemma, I don't know what to write. I don't want to be cold or snippy, but I also don't want to give him the impression that I am over it already and interested in a friendship.

 

I am fairly certain, that if I just send him a one-liner with the content 'it is okay, we were obviously not meant to be together', then he will think everything is fine and might try to contact me again in a few weeks just to check in. He might even suggest we meet up for coffee when I fly back home in 3 weeks. But I know myself and realize that I would still be holding on to hope of a reconcilliation in that situation.

 

I kinda feel that I have to make it clear to him that I don't want to be in contact for a while in order to heal and move on from the relationship. But I don't know how to say that without sounding pathetic and weak. Also, the stupid thought that this might be 'the last time I ever talk to him' makes me feel uneasy and wanting to keep the lines of communication open somehow.

 

One option would be for me to not reply to his message, but I know that I then would be waiting for him to contact me again, not because he wants to reconcile, but because NC makes the other person wonder why you are completely ignoring them.

 

I don't want to play games, and I know it is for the best to be broken up, but I don't know how to communicate that to him.

 

Help!

[cavalier99]

Now I dont want to go back on what I said. ... BUT if you TRULY cant resist A FINAL text. It should be something like.

 

"I have decided that I want to totally move on and prefer no communication whatsoever. I would respectfully ask that you do not communicate with me at any point in the future. I will not receive it anyway. Thank you for respecting my wishes."

 

Some other people might have a better worded text but this is the essence of it. Dont say anything else ...keep it purly professional and distant. He knows how you feel ecetera. no need to tell him again.

 

Then block his phone number through your phone carrier and email ecetera.

 

Now that being said it is truly up to you if you sent this last text. I did something similar and dont regret it. Although at the end of the day it all really doesnt matter. He is done in your world from this point forward. Just heal!

 

 

See what i wrote above to you earlier or what Million to 1 suggests.

 

OR stay NC. See how this communication is already occupying you mind? That is the main issue. Be nice to him in a year if you even care then. If you stay NC he will get the point anyways. He is fine. It may bruise his ego but that is all. You need to worry about yourself now.

[Treasa]

Don't reply. Trust me on this one. He's not asking for you back. He's not expressing any interest in you. He's just trying to see if you're still on the hook. PLEASE do not fall for it. You will feel like crap immediately after you send it.

 

On the other hand, if you stay NC, you will have the biggest increase in self-respect ever (even if you don't notice it immediately), and you'll REALLY make him think he screwed up. And ultimately, those are the things you want.

 

You won't get closure by sending him a message. Trust me on this. You'll feel bad because he either won't respond, or will respond with something you don't like, and you deserve much better than that.

[cavalier99]

Don't reply. Trust me on this one. He's not asking for you back. He's not expressing any interest in you. He's just trying to see if you're still on the hook. PLEASE do not fall for it. You will feel like crap immediately after you send it.

 

On the other hand, if you stay NC, you will have the biggest increase in self-respect ever (even if you don't notice it immediately), and you'll REALLY make him think he screwed up. And ultimately, those are the things you want.

 

You won't get closure by sending him a message. Trust me on this. You'll feel bad because he either won't respond, or will respond with something you don't like, and you deserve much better than that.

 

I agree with treasa. Except for the part about what he will think. He might feel this but the point is. WHO CARES what he thinks. The relationship is OVER. I think he is an ok guy but he doent exist in your universe and the whole point of this NC stuff is to really eliminate him from your life.

 

And that includes thinking about what he is thinking.

 

All this is tough but take misery on both yourselves and say nothing.

[movingon12]

<stern voice> now look, you're doing it already: you're getting hung up on whether he's going to contact you again.

 

The best way to show him that you don't want to be in contact is to not to be in contact with him. The message from him, I suspect, was a way of reducing his guilt and/or checking if you're still available/interested.

 

You don't need to communicate anything to him. He dumped you. You asked for another chance. He didn't give it to you. It's over. Done. And you're beginning to see that he's not the right one for you. Which is true.

 

If you reply - *whatever* you say, you'll be waiting for a reply. If you say 'please don't contact me' - you'll be waiting for a 'but I need you in my life' reply. If you say 'you're not the one for me', - you'll be waiting for a 'but let me try' reply.

 

Don't do this to yourself. I know it's hard. I know. It's horrible. I've been right where you are, and you can drive yourself insane with 'one last, final, no more, closure emails'. Which are inevitably followed by another, and another and another until you finally get so tired and fed up of it all that you give up and stop replying because you realise he's never going to say the things that you want him to say (even if you don't want to admit it to yourself). But it takes weeks, if not months, and drags the break up out for much longer than it needs to be.

 

If you don't reply, he will keep trying to contact you - for a while - but then he will give up.

 

If you reply, he probably won't respond. You'll get upset again, and then just when you're doing alright, he'll get in touch again and suggest a coffee. And you'll go. And he you'll stay at his, and the next morning he'll tell you that he's sorry he's not the right one for you. And you'll get mad at him and at yourself for getting sucked in again. And round and round you'll go.

 

He's an adult - he knows (or at least he should) that if you dump someone (by text!!!!) you can't expect them to care what you think or reply to your messages.

 

He knows what he's done. It's not as though you've suddenly disappeared with no warning and for no reason. He dumped you. He doesn't get to have you anymore.

[Gottabestrong]

You are so wise! How did you get to acquire so much knowledge? The hard way, I guess.

 

Shortly after I posted here a small crisis broke out at work and I was thoroughly distracted. Now I am at home just quickly jumping in the shower and changing before I head out to meet a friend for drinks. So, I have had no time to write to him or even create an email, and frankly, I don't even want to write now. It is a bother to think of the right thing to say, and I'd rather just not think about it or him.

 

Part of me feels bad about ignoring someone's messages, but then, like you all say, he DUMPED ME, I don't have to feel bad about ignoring his messages. Also, there was nothing of substance in his messages, no questions, no "I miss you" nothing that warrants a reply. Sure, technically he apologized, but I think I'll get a pass if I don't reply to aknowledge his apology. If he gets upset and thinks I am rude, let him. He thinks I am no relationship material anyway, let him add rudeness to the list of my faults.

 

Something funny happened earlier. I received an email from an ex, who 8 years ago drove me to join loveshack in the first place. (search for threads I started if you are interested). There is nothing going on between us, he is happily married with kids and I am no longer in love with him, but somehow we have managed to get friendly over the years and exchange one or two messages per year and update each other about what is going on in our lives.

 

Thinking back on how long it took me to get over him and how heartbroken I was makes me think that I can make it through any kind of heartache and that NC is the best way to heal. When he broke up with me 8 years ago, he refused to go away for a long time and kept me hanging on for over a year with this emails and messages. It only stopped once I decided NC was the way to go and stuck to it.

 

I never knew why he kept on contacting me, since he never asked to get back together and also was dating someone a few months after our breakup already. I wonder if I should ask him what his motivation was, it might give me insight into my current ex and what he might be thinking.

[Million.to.1]

Something like this maybe......

 

It was wrong of me to make you feel and that you were a bad guy for not feeling / doing/ saying the things I wanted you to. Your reactions of pushing me away were perfectly understandable and you do not need to feel that you are at fault in any way about this. I know you felt like you were constantly hurting me, but I was only hurting myself with my expectations. You were honest and that’s all you could have been. We just need different things out of a relationship.

 

No contact, is what I need to heal and move forward with my life. Contact makes me step backwards, and I don’t want to keep hurting, wondering. I want to be Ok. Please trust that I will be, for yourself, and do not contact me. Set me free, be free and free yourself from the guilt of what I know was a tough decision for you.

 

You are a great guy and I'm sad that things didn't work out, but I'm glad i met you and we gave it a shot.

I'll remember you fondly and I wish you nothing but happiness.

 

xx

 

http://www.relationshiptalk.net/understanding-no-contact-nc-280.html

 

( the link at the end just for reference you can add to email )

[movingon12]

You are so wise! How did you get to acquire so much knowledge? The hard way, I guess.

 

Oh yes! Definitely the hard way!

 

I never knew why he kept on contacting me, since he never asked to get back together and also was dating someone a few months after our breakup already. I wonder if I should ask him what his motivation was, it might give me insight into my current ex and what he might be thinking.

 

You could ask him, but he may not even know. Or if it was simply because it made him feel important/he liked to know you'd be there if he needed you one evening, he may not be willing to own up to it

 

But you're right - you got over someone once, you'll do it again now. And the sooner you do it, the sooner you find someone who really is the right one for you.

 

Just don't get drunk and email him when you get home!

 

Oh, and that email from your previous ex is a sign from the universe saying: staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay noooooooooooooo contaaaaaaaaaact!

[Gottabestrong]

Just got back from drinks with a friend. It felt more like a date and I missed my ex every second of it. I drank a lot and when I got home I sent off the email I had created earlier in the day. It said something like "I am sorry we did not work out, but I think it is for the best. Good luck and I will always remember you fondly." I guess it was not too bad. Wish I had not replied at all, but just did not feel strong enough.

 

Here we go, NC starts again.

[Treasa]

You are so wise! How did you get to acquire so much knowledge? The hard way, I guess.

 

Shortly after I posted here a small crisis broke out at work and I was thoroughly distracted. Now I am at home just quickly jumping in the shower and changing before I head out to meet a friend for drinks. So, I have had no time to write to him or even create an email, and frankly, I don't even want to write now. It is a bother to think of the right thing to say, and I'd rather just not think about it or him.

 

Part of me feels bad about ignoring someone's messages, but then, like you all say, he DUMPED ME, I don't have to feel bad about ignoring his messages. Also, there was nothing of substance in his messages, no questions, no "I miss you" nothing that warrants a reply. Sure, technically he apologized, but I think I'll get a pass if I don't reply to aknowledge his apology. If he gets upset and thinks I am rude, let him. He thinks I am no relationship material anyway, let him add rudeness to the list of my faults.

 

Something funny happened earlier. I received an email from an ex, who 8 years ago drove me to join loveshack in the first place. (search for threads I started if you are interested). There is nothing going on between us, he is happily married with kids and I am no longer in love with him, but somehow we have managed to get friendly over the years and exchange one or two messages per year and update each other about what is going on in our lives.

 

Thinking back on how long it took me to get over him and how heartbroken I was makes me think that I can make it through any kind of heartache and that NC is the best way to heal. When he broke up with me 8 years ago, he refused to go away for a long time and kept me hanging on for over a year with this emails and messages. It only stopped once I decided NC was the way to go and stuck to it.

 

I never knew why he kept on contacting me, since he never asked to get back together and also was dating someone a few months after our breakup already. I wonder if I should ask him what his motivation was, it might give me insight into my current ex and what he might be thinking.

 

Haha, now this is what I like to read. DO NOT be surprised or upset if you backslide and suddenly experience a tremendous amount of pain, though. Getting over someone and getting your self-respect back isn't the most linear of processes. I would have days where I'd be like "F him", and then later that night I'd be crying. Not the most recent dumbass, but the one before him.

 

His apology was a lure to see if he still had you on the hook. Trust me. Besides, if he is really sorry things didn't work out, he's still saying things didn't work out. I don't think that ignoring that bait is nearly as rude as how he broke up with you.

 

Have a good time tonight and let me know how you're doing tomorrow. I feel like I know you. LOL