Update... odd feelings....unreasonable??

[Adamgem]

Many of you know my story.... What happened next. He kept calling and texting and yes (I know) I responded.

 

He insisted he had left her and wanted nothing more to do with her. He begged me to come and talk. Go on a holiday and talk. We did. He treated me very well. Of course. He told me how sorry he was and how everything happened. He was taking me on a holiday to buy my forgiveness.

 

I listened and listened. We returned from our holiday and I discovered text messages he had sent her. They were not like any others he had sent in the past. They were all lovey dovey!!! I went completely nuts. Again.

 

I'm sure a few of you are now rolling your eyes!! I don't blame you....

 

He insists those messages were to keep her happy as he still wanted to get his assets back. I met his parents and they all talked about how she had deceived him of his assets..... and how disturbed she is..... Mainly the parents. He has been more kind towards her lately.

 

She called him. She believed that I was gone and suspected something. I heard her screaming on the phone how she was going to kill me and go to jail for it..... over and over. She was like a wild animal.

 

His mother told me how she had listened to him a couple of months ago. ... She said he had shouted at his (ex)partner how he 'did not want to be with her... it was over..... just accept it.... and on and on for a few hours.

 

His mother told me she could not believe any woman would listen to this... she was horrified. She said she couldn't understand this.

 

So I discover again that I did not trust him and he had been telling me the truth.....

 

I did not stay with him. I returned to my friends house. He has been calling and texting endlessly. Now he seems to have given up.

 

I said I do not want to be with him as long as he has contact with her. Even going to their house one day a month is too much for me... He tells me that I am being unreasonable - that he must see his children.

 

Why can he not go to his house? All his things are there.... why should he bring his children to a hotel...... He says we will get a house but it takes time. Yes, this is true but should I belive that? Is this not just another way to string me along?

 

He insists he is not with her. His last text tells me that he loves me but knows he must let me move on.

 

I keep telling him I do not want to be with him if he has to stay with her at that house. Ever. She is using the children as an excuse. She is manipulating and threatening..... I do not need to be involved.

 

I told him - sort your affairs out and then call me..... he says 'but I did'... everything is sorted out - I don't know what you want from me!!!!

 

Am I unreasonable???

[whichwayisup]

Step out of his life. He's messed up, his wife certainly is as well and the more you stick around in his life, you'll get messed up too. Whatever is going on between them is NOT over, far from it. They have an unhealthy dynamic and it works for them, obviously..otherwise they'd be on the path to divorce by now.

 

His wife has threatened you. BELIEVE that. Stay away. He isn't yours, never was.

 

I agree with LG completely.

 

Focus on you and your path to healing so you can get away from this craziness.

 

The man has shown you time and time again who he is and what he's capable of , yet you still want to believe his words.

 

If you choose to stay, get ready for your heart to be continued to be broken and stomped on.

[Mount]

:eek::eek::eek:

 

WOW, that is LOTS OF drama. Aren't you not sick of it?:confused: Women at your age (39---> 40ish), even not married, but need to have stable home, career, (single)comfortable lifestyle...etc. I am forseeing you will in the drama till 50ish?! That is destructive and pathetic.

 

You need to get out of it now, otherwise i am sure you (your elder life) will be destroyed.

 

Many of you know my story.... What happened next. He kept calling and texting and yes (I know) I responded.

 

He insisted he had left her and wanted nothing more to do with her. He begged me to come and talk. Go on a holiday and talk. We did. He treated me very well. Of course. He told me how sorry he was and how everything happened. He was taking me on a holiday to buy my forgiveness.

 

I listened and listened. We returned from our holiday and I discovered text messages he had sent her. They were not like any others he had sent in the past. They were all lovey dovey!!! I went completely nuts. Again.

 

I'm sure a few of you are now rolling your eyes!! I don't blame you....

 

He insists those messages were to keep her happy as he still wanted to get his assets back. I met his parents and they all talked about how she had deceived him of his assets..... and how disturbed she is..... Mainly the parents. He has been more kind towards her lately.

 

She called him. She believed that I was gone and suspected something. I heard her screaming on the phone how she was going to kill me and go to jail for it..... over and over. She was like a wild animal.

 

His mother told me how she had listened to him a couple of months ago. ... She said he had shouted at his (ex)partner how he 'did not want to be with her... it was over..... just accept it.... and on and on for a few hours.

 

His mother told me she could not believe any woman would listen to this... she was horrified. She said she couldn't understand this.

 

So I discover again that I did not trust him and he had been telling me the truth.....

 

I did not stay with him. I returned to my friends house. He has been calling and texting endlessly. Now he seems to have given up.

 

I said I do not want to be with him as long as he has contact with her. Even going to their house one day a month is too much for me... He tells me that I am being unreasonable - that he must see his children.

 

Why can he not go to his house? All his things are there.... why should he bring his children to a hotel...... He says we will get a house but it takes time. Yes, this is true but should I belive that? Is this not just another way to string me along?

 

He insists he is not with her. His last text tells me that he loves me but knows he must let me move on.

 

I keep telling him I do not want to be with him if he has to stay with her at that house. Ever. She is using the children as an excuse. She is manipulating and threatening..... I do not need to be involved.

 

I told him - sort your affairs out and then call me..... he says 'but I did'... everything is sorted out - I don't know what you want from me!!!!

 

Am I unreasonable???

[Mme. Chaucer]

I can't even understand what your question here is.

 

You have two choices: carry on with this pathetic drama, or cut ties.

 

I think it's pretty obvious you've made you choice. I feel sorry for you. What a waste.

[ThatJustHappened]

Seriously? Come on..you're even rolling your eyes at yourself. Well..on your own head be it. Whatever happens to you is your own fault at this point.

[Adamgem]

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but yes you are being unreasonable expecting anything remotely resembling honesty and respect considering the history.

 

You were afraid of this man.........afraid for your physical safety. You ran away, now you are back in the middle again. SMH.

 

You've planted yourself back into a bunch of drama, why would you not expect it this go round and what attracts you to it?

 

I do not know what is wrong with me or what exactly attracts me. I suppose everything else is great in the relationship. I only come to LS when it isn't.

 

I have not gone back. I moved to another country. I have seen him again but I no longer live with him.

[Adamgem]

Step out of his life. He's messed up, his wife certainly is as well and the more you stick around in his life, you'll get messed up too. Whatever is going on between them is NOT over, far from it. They have an unhealthy dynamic and it works for them, obviously..otherwise they'd be on the path to divorce by now.

 

His wife has threatened you. BELIEVE that. Stay away. He isn't yours, never was.

 

I agree with LG completely.

 

Focus on you and your path to healing so you can get away from this craziness.

 

The man has shown you time and time again who he is and what he's capable of , yet you still want to believe his words.

 

If you choose to stay, get ready for your heart to be continued to be broken and stomped on.

 

He is not married. It is not his wife. It is his ex. He goes to see the kids. But yes you are right - actions speak louder than words....

 

It is weird but I do not feel that my heart is being broken or stomped on... but I think there maybe something seriously wrong with my 'feelings'..

Thank you for your post.

[Adamgem]

:eek::eek::eek:

 

WOW, that is LOTS OF drama. Aren't you not sick of it?:confused: Women at your age (39---> 40ish), even not married, but need to have stable home, career, (single)comfortable lifestyle...etc. I am forseeing you will in the drama till 50ish?! That is destructive and pathetic.

 

You need to get out of it now, otherwise i am sure you (your elder life) will be destroyed.

 

It is very strange to read all the posts. I see myself in a very odd light now.... reading the comments.

 

When you say women of my age.... yes, you are right but I do not feel like my age. I feel like a little girl..... or more accurately a teenager. A teenager that is getting wrinkles.

 

There is nothing stable in my life and looking back - it seems to me - I feel more comfortable in the middle of drama. If there is none - I seem to create it.

 

It is pathetic. I know it. It is so difficult to change 'feelings'...

[Adamgem]

I can't even understand what your question here is.

 

You have two choices: carry on with this pathetic drama, or cut ties.

 

I think it's pretty obvious you've made you choice. I feel sorry for you. What a waste.

 

I am sorry that you didn't understand my question but looking over my post - I can see why!

 

He tells me that I am unreasonable because I do not think he should be going to the house he owns with his ex to see his children. I think it is just causing confusion for everybody.

 

I wonder am I unreasonable - because of this? (clearly other posters, quite rightly, believe I am unreasonable for other reasons)!

[Adamgem]

Seriously? Come on..you're even rolling your eyes at yourself. Well..on your own head be it. Whatever happens to you is your own fault at this point.

 

It is so easy to think like this. I suppose having no relationship for 12 years may have something to do with my desperate behavior. This experience has been very enlightening. I have learned so much about my weaknesses.... I had no idea. I am getting to know myself. It is quite scary. I had no idea I was so vulnerable and messed up.

 

I know I should have cut all contact. I know I was told. I am not miserable - more curious than anything else. It is a very weird situation.

 

I would describe the relationshiop as 95% good and 5% bad. I wonder if most people manage that?

[skywriter]

It is very strange to read all the posts. I see myself in a very odd light now.... reading the comments.

 

When you say women of my age.... yes, you are right but I do not feel like my age. I feel like a little girl..... or more accurately a teenager. A teenager that is getting wrinkles.

 

There is nothing stable in my life and looking back - it seems to me - I feel more comfortable in the middle of drama. If there is none - I seem to create it.

 

It is pathetic. I know it. It is so difficult to change 'feelings'...

 

 

So....? Is he a habit?

[Adamgem]

So....? Is he a habit?

 

Yes. I believe so. Worse than any drug I can imagine....

[Mount]

You said it all. That is the NUMBER ONE symptom of Co-dependency with depression illness. Using outside drama to disperse self's depression.

 

Normal people don't live like that!

 

It will be tragegic that when you are 50s' you are in such low-life situation. Hopefully you don't want to live that that.

 

It is very strange to read all the posts. I see myself in a very odd light now.... reading the comments.

 

When you say women of my age.... yes, you are right but I do not feel like my age. I feel like a little girl..... or more accurately a teenager. A teenager that is getting wrinkles.

 

There is nothing stable in my life and looking back - it seems to me - I feel more comfortable in the middle of drama. If there is none - I seem to create it.

 

It is pathetic. I know it. It is so difficult to change 'feelings'...

[veryhappy]

Girl...

 

Accelerate the process to get to leaving him seven times. I'm not joking. It's how many times I had to detach before being able to stay away in my normal affair, whatever that is.

 

What's the count now? Just embrace it. Go back, go away, go back, go away but with the purpose to stay away. One day you'll do it.

[ThatJustHappened]

It is so easy to think like this. I suppose having no relationship for 12 years may have something to do with my desperate behavior. This experience has been very enlightening. I have learned so much about my weaknesses.... I had no idea. I am getting to know myself. It is quite scary. I had no idea I was so vulnerable and messed up.

 

I know I should have cut all contact. I know I was told. I am not miserable - more curious than anything else. It is a very weird situation.

 

I would describe the relationshiop as 95% good and 5% bad. I wonder if most people manage that?

 

Uh, yeah. I'm saying that anything that happens from now on is your own fault. It's your own fault that you haven't had another relationship for 12 years. It's your own fault if you allow this guy to continue mistreating you. It's your own fault if you end up terrified and running away again. Own up. Take responsibility. Stop hiding behind your self-proclaimed vulnerability. You're not stupid..you know exactly what you're doing.

 

And it's not a weird situation. Not at all.

[Adamgem]

And this is the same guy you called a sociopath and claimed to be 'scared' of? Yet you meet up and go on vacation with him?

 

You are enjoying all the drama and attention.

 

So give into it fully and just move back in with him.

 

And yes, you are being unreasonable. He and his ex will ALWAYS have a connection and be in each others lives because they have children together. Accept it or not.

 

 

I know they will ALWAYS have a connection but does that mean he must go and stay in the house that they both own?

[Adamgem]

You said it all. That is the NUMBER ONE symptom of Co-dependency with depression illness. Using outside drama to disperse self's depression.

 

Normal people don't live like that!

 

It will be tragegic that when you are 50s' you are in such low-life situation. Hopefully you don't want to live that that.

 

I know something is wrong. I have tried therapy serveral times. It was a complete waste. I have read many books and spoken to many friends trying to improve my life and situation. It is quite depressing to be almost forty and have so many people point out what a disaster I am.

[Adamgem]

Girl...

 

Accelerate the process to get to leaving him seven times. I'm not joking. It's how many times I had to detach before being able to stay away in my normal affair, whatever that is.

 

What's the count now? Just embrace it. Go back, go away, go back, go away but with the purpose to stay away. One day you'll do it.

 

Thank you Cutedragon.... you made me smile. I think many people on this board do not know what I am really dealing with. I am also getting support from a more suitable board....

[Adamgem]

Uh, yeah. I'm saying that anything that happens from now on is your own fault. It's your own fault that you haven't had another relationship for 12 years. It's your own fault if you allow this guy to continue mistreating you. It's your own fault if you end up terrified and running away again. Own up. Take responsibility. Stop hiding behind your self-proclaimed vulnerability. You're not stupid..you know exactly what you're doing.

 

And it's not a weird situation. Not at all.

 

How can it be my own fault if I couldn't have a relationship for 12 years? I tried very hard. I was not terrified. I was a little uncomfortable. But thanks for your point of view.

[happyme]

I read your very first posts way back, and now I read this.... what happened? I remember you were pregnant, did you have the baby? Yes I did go back to check but there are so many posts... however, I take it this is the same man you're with now? He went back to his ex, with whom he has three kids and now back with you but spending time including nights with ex, right? You don't like this, it makes you feel uncomfortable, yet he insists all is above board and it's 'just for the kids', is that correct? If so, no you are not being unreasonable! If he's with you, he does NOT spend nights with his ex, whether he has one child with her or twenty. Period. Dump him he's poison. Just my tuppence worth. And get some self confidence girl... don't know how but you need some. All the very best xx

[ThatJustHappened]

Why do I post here? Why do you think? I like to get ideas and experiences from other people. Other points of view. Why are you asking me this question?

 

She's probably asking because you don't take any of the advice anyone here gives you, you change your story to suit your moods, and you argue with anyone who doesn't tell you to stay with this evil, poisonous wreck of a 'relationship'. After a while it just becomes redundant and pointless.

[Adamgem]

I read your very first posts way back, and now I read this.... what happened? I remember you were pregnant, did you have the baby? Yes I did go back to check but there are so many posts... however, I take it this is the same man you're with now? He went back to his ex, with whom he has three kids and now back with you but spending time including nights with ex, right? You don't like this, it makes you feel uncomfortable, yet he insists all is above board and it's 'just for the kids', is that correct? If so, no you are not being unreasonable! If he's with you, he does NOT spend nights with his ex, whether he has one child with her or twenty. Period. Dump him he's poison. Just my tuppence worth. And get some self confidence girl... don't know how but you need some. All the very best xx

 

THANK YOU so much for you post. This is exactly what I needed. You sound like you really listened to what I was saying and didn't judge me. Thank you. I have problems knowing what is ok and not ok. I get confused easily. I needed this answer so badly.

 

I have decided to move again and start my life over with NC. Thank you for being so kind and actually listening. That is very thoughtful of you. xxx

 

Ps. No. I did not have the baby. I regret this as I feel that I am now never going to have children. I should have had it regardless of him. I also felt very close to it and still cry everytime I think about it. Thank you for asking.

[Mount]

:eek::eek: Oh my....aren't you a "bag"lady on-the-go, just because your poor choice coming from unstable emotion or thoughts.

 

You have to end all of this...not too much time left. Back and forth a while ago, you will be reaching 50s'/60s' soon.

 

Don't you want to have a comfortable elder/retirement life? Or you don't? You will still want lots of drama, live like homeless when you are 50s/60s/70s?

 

THANK YOU so much for you post. This is exactly what I needed. You sound like you really listened to what I was saying and didn't judge me. Thank you. I have problems knowing what is ok and not ok. I get confused easily. I needed this answer so badly.

 

I have decided to move again and start my life over with NC. Thank you for being so kind and actually listening. That is very thoughtful of you. xxx

 

Ps. No. I did not have the baby. I regret this as I feel that I am now never going to have children. I should have had it regardless of him. I also felt very close to it and still cry everytime I think about it. Thank you for asking.

[Adamgem]

:eek::eek: Oh my....aren't you a "bag"lady on-the-go, just because your poor choice coming from unstable emotion or thoughts.

 

You have to end all of this...not too much time left. Back and forth a while ago, you will be reaching 50s'/60s' soon.

 

Don't you want to have a comfortable elder/retirement life? Or you don't? You will still want lots of drama, live like homeless when you are 50s/60s/70s?

 

Sorry Mount. I really do not understand your post at all.

[Mount]

I was saying - are you going to move again in order to proceed your so-called "NC" again?

 

Why you put yourself in such situation, at your age, women should enjoy comfortable afternoon tea/dessert, watching good movies at home, go shopping pampering yourself, dining out with girlfriends (if no SO ), taking very nice shower and sleep on very nice bed. That is the life everyone supposes to live. Not running around like a rat.

 

Sorry Mount. I really do not understand your post at all.