Update... odd feelings....unreasonable??

[Adamgem]

I was saying - are you going to move again in order to proceed your so-called "NC" again?

 

Why you put yourself in such situation, at your age, women should enjoy comfortable afternoon tea/dessert, watching good movies at home, go shopping pampering yourself, dining out with girlfriends (if no SO ), taking very nice shower and sleep on very nice bed. That is the life everyone supposes to live. Not running around like a rat.

 

I find this a bit funny. When I left him - one of the problems that I faced was having nowhere to go. When I moved in with him I continued to pay the rent on my apartment - just in case. It was empty for over half a year. My best friend split from her boyfriend and had nowhere to go. It seemed reasonible that she would move into my place.

 

It is too small. A studio. I can not ask her to leave as she has nowhere to go. I will have to find somewhere else. It is a practical matter.

 

Do not think, for one minute, that I do not watch movies, meet up with friends, read books, go out for dinner, coffee and so on. If anything I pamper myself too much!

 

I often wonder about my communication skills when I hear the things people say. Rat? I hadn't thought of myself as a rat before.

[Adamgem]

It's HIS business, not yours.

 

So you are living with him again? Seriously? What happened to all your big talk of how scary he was and how you had to "hide" from him?

 

Seems like you enjoy the drama of it all.

 

If you had bothered to read what I have written - you would probably have saved judgement and realised that NO I have not gone back to him. I am living at my own place.

 

And, of course, it is his business what he does but if someone wants to be with me and spend a night in a house with his ex then it becomes my business.

 

When did I say he was scary? It seems to me you are just attacking me. I do not know why.

[Mme. Chaucer]

When did I say he was scary? It seems to me you are just attacking me. I do not know why.

 

Previously I mentioned on this board that I thought I was dealing with a psychopath.

 

In general, psychopaths are regarded as scary ...

[Adamgem]

In general, psychopaths are regarded as scary ...

 

Yes I believe he is a psychopath but he has never shown this side to me. He is exceptionally charming. I do not find him at all scary. I do, however, worry about what might happen. Maybe I am too paranoid?

[Mount]

Exactly, have to concur "hockyfan". Put aside being an OW or not OW, to have a stable nice place to stay, enjoying life, relaxing ($%^&)mood, afternoon tea/dessert, music and movie, going shopping if possible are the basic needs for mid-aged women.

 

Running around, what the heck is that? Rebellient Teenage?

 

In your other other thread - you posted about sneaking away and not telling him where you were - you were scared. Do you want me to go get those posts???

 

With regard to your living situation -- you posted:

 

 

 

You previously moved countries to get away from him and had a place to go. Now, from what you just posted, it seemed as if you were once again living with him and had no place to go again.

 

And if you don't live in the same country as him anymore....quit worrying about him and his "ex". You and he aren't an item - you and he aren't engaged. You and he aren't anything....right?

[Mount]

LFH - how come you will misundertand my post that asking the OP enjoying life rather than running around illogically?

 

I was trying to say that the OP should forget the toxic MM, enjoy her life to have stable place, dinning out, shopping around, trips of course.

 

Are you saying you agree the OP's running around is her vacation time? Hopefully not. I don't where you got the idea. And you parents and family member's trip have nothing to do with OP's running around, or the topci at all.

 

This is kind of offensive. Your thoughts on women "of a certain age" are narrowminded and wrong and I think you're going to live a very sad life as you age.

I agree with most of what's been posted here in regards to the OP's situation, but I've bit my tongue on 3 of your posts here Mount and I think it needs to be said. I think you and I are close to the same age... but I don't think women of 30 or 40 or even older should be sitting around knitting and watching tv and stuff. You do know you are going to get "older" right? And that your interests may be limited to those "safe" things but most people don't want to narrow their life like that because they hit a certain "number" on their timeline.

You obviously have no idea what it means to be a woman in the real world. My mom is certainly well beyond that age and she and my dad just came back from a trip where they spent their time cliff diving and windsurfing. My aunt goes on a trip with her girlfriends that's based around scuba diving and salsa dance lessons.

Age is not important, life is what you make it.

[ThatJustHappened]

Yes I believe he is a psychopath but he has never shown this side to me. He is exceptionally charming. I do not find him at all scary. I do, however, worry about what might happen. Maybe I am too paranoid?

 

If he hasn't shown you that side of himself, how do you know he's a psychopath?

 

Clearly if you think he's a psychopath then you've seen him act like one. A few weeks ago, judging strictly from what you were telling us, he was exhibiting psychopathic behavior. So which is it? Were you exaggerating his behavior then, or are you covering for him now?

[Mount]

I said watching movies - not TV!,and enjoy high tea/desserts (you can do it in "Four Season Hotel" anyway, not at home), rather than mentally thinking of MM 24 hours. But if OP chooses to run marathon that will be better, according to your opnion.

 

No I think it's valid that you said to forget her toxic MM. The part I found offensive is that you keep saying things about women who are older implying that they have to live by certain guidelines to be respectable. And no, that's not what I said at all.. what I said was that just because someone hits 40 or older doesn't mean that they have to sit around sipping tea and watching television.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm "of a certain age" myself, and I used to live a life defined by all kinds of insane drama. I have to say that if I needed to move to a different country, end up virtually homeless, jobless, changing phone numbers, looking for a couch to crash on because I was in a relationship with a psychopath and that's what it took to maintain it - at the age I am now … I think it would destroy me. And not because of my need for dessert and shopping.

[Mount]

Of course - no desserts/shopping will not destroy women, but running around like that, no one should be in such punishment, in my opnion.

 

I'm "of a certain age" myself, and I used to live a life defined by all kinds of insane drama. I have to say that if I needed to move to a different country, end up virtually homeless, jobless, changing phone numbers, looking for a couch to crash on because I was in a relationship with a psychopath and that's what it took to maintain it - at the age I am now … I think it would destroy me. And not because of my need for dessert and shopping.

[Mount]

Nod nod, basically I was asking the OP to settle down, to enjoy life, not put herself in loss because of MM. We don't have much time lose anyway:D

 

 

I think perhaps I'm misunderstanding you. We may have different native languages... and I might have been taking your statements differently than you meant.

[alexandria35]

I'm "of a certain age" myself, and I used to live a life defined by all kinds of insane drama. I have to say that if I needed to move to a different country, end up virtually homeless, jobless, changing phone numbers, looking for a couch to crash on because I was in a relationship with a psychopath and that's what it took to maintain it - at the age I am now … I think it would destroy me. And not because of my need for dessert and shopping.

 

Oh this is so true Mme. I agree with LFH that being middle aged doesn't mean you have to spend your evenings at home knitting but I do think it means you should be done with drama filled relationships of your twenties and this is the very thing I thought about when I made the extremely painful decision to split with my last long term live in bf. He was was the love of my life in so many ways and I didn't want to let him go but I realized I was just getting too old to live with that much drama and stress in my life (he had some big emotional issues and was possiby personality disordered). I'm at an age now where I want peace and harmony in my life. It's a fact that a high stress high drama life can manifest itself in health issues and while mid forties isn't old it is a time when we start paying more attention to our physical well being. as a middle aged woman I did have some concerns about what kind of an affect that amount of drama in my home would have on me longterm. I've raised my kids, I've been poor, I've been mistreated, etc..and I'm just done with all of that crap now.

 

OP I've been following your story since you came here and I hope you are not going to get into this relationship again. I do find it a little odd that you said you moved out and left the country but now in this thread you're talking about your friend being in your apartment and having no where to go. I hope you haven't moved back in with him because it just hasn't been a healthy relationship for you. At this point it doesn't even matter what he is or isn't doing with his wife, the problem is that this relationship just gives you stress and unhappiness. Years ago I had a bad breakup with a bf and I was very hurt. He went on to get a new gf and she moved in with him rather quickly. They soon decided that they weren't romantically compatible and decided to just keep living together as roommates. She moved into her own bedroom and started dating other men and he came looking for me. Because I still loved him and because I was dumb I decided to accept his new living arrangements with his exgf now turned roommate/best buddy. Well my acceptance didn't last. Even though I met her and even slept over there all the time I couldn't stand that he was living with her. When I expressed my displeasure to him he put it all back in my lap stating that I was being jealous, insecure and unreasonable. Well frankly I didn't give a damn if it was all me! LOL...I wasn't having it and I walked and it didn't matter one bit to me if I was being unreasonable. The fact that it was causing me stress and drama was enough reason for me to know that I was better off not being in that situation. A relationship that causes a great deal of insecurity, doubt and distrust needs to end. Period!

[Pierre]

Yes I believe he is a psychopath but he has never shown this side to me. He is exceptionally charming. I do not find him at all scary. I do, however, worry about what might happen. Maybe I am too paranoid?

 

 

Most psycopath are excessively charming when they have to. In fact, excessive charm is one of the diagnostic criteria for some narcissists and antisocial types.

 

Most of these very charming men can pick an OW out of crowd with the charm.

[Adamgem]

I would like to thank everybody for posting. Just to clear some confusion up. When he cheated - I moved out of the house we had shared together to go back to my place. This was not a good option as I had mentioned at the time. I would have to sleep on my own sofa!

 

As it turns out - this was a mistake. I am finding it impossible to sort my life out like this so now I am forced to find another place. I have not moved back with him. I just went to see him and talk with him during a holiday.

 

I do not know whether he is a psychopath or not. I think he is even though he has not directed that kind of behavior towards me.

 

I also mentioned, in previous posts, I tend to be very paranoid and non trusting. Whether it is this man or another - my problems tend to be the same. I have tried therapy but this has never worked.

 

I come on here to LS because I have difficulty knowing what is real and what is not. Maybe what is 'normal' and 'acceptable' and what is not.

 

As for watching movies and enjoying life - I definitely enjoy life much more with him. I spent 12 years going out with friends for dinner, movies etc. and found this to be terribly boring. I would end up drinking more heavily and so on because I was bored and unhappy....

 

My life with him is much more satisfying. I drink less and enjoy life more. My family and friends believe he is good for me. They see a positive change in me. When I come to LS I am told he is bad for me. Obviously I am confused. I do need help and I do find the feedback useful despite what many of you may think.

 

He cheated once. He says. I left. He says he was upset I did not give him a chance. I have heard him on the phone to his ex telling her 'he loves me and wants to be with me'.... stop calling me and telling me lies about sleeping with her....etc.

 

Of course I am confused.

[Adamgem]

Thank you LG. That was nicely put. I know there is something wrong with me but I have no idea what or how to fix it. Obviously I can not fix something if I do not know what is broken.