wife had an affair with someone i work with what now?

[amerikajin]

I hate to say this, but I'm doubtful that ramdogg will do the things he needs to do to get his life straight.

 

I'm not saying that to insult the guy; it's just that in my brief time on this planet, I've seen some patterns that develop over time. People don't change that easily. Once people get locked into a pattern of thought and behavior, it's a tough thing to break. People somehow find a way to function in some of the most unimaginable situations, because to them, change is scarier than the hell that they know.

 

I actually feel terrible for ramdogg, but pity isn't what he needs; he needs someone close to him - someone he trusts - to talk some sense into him and to be his pillar of strength. My sense is that he has nobody to turn to, which is why he's here.

 

Ramdogg, if you're still reading, know that you can change. Know that you can find the strength to change your life. But to do that, you've got to dig really deep within your soul and search for those answers to all of those questions you probably have about yourself.

 

Someone said it earlier: you have to begin to understand why it is you are accepting behavior that healthy people wouldn't accept. You have to understand why you are allowing this to happen.

 

Is it fear of losing intimacy? If so, just remind yourself that you don't have intimacy right now.

 

Is it a fear of being alone? If so, remember that sometimes it is preferable to be alone than to be living in hell with someone else.

 

I honestly don't know what it could possibly be, ramdogg. Only you know that.

 

What I am 100 percent confident of is that you're not going to find the answers your looking for by staying in this marriage. This marriage is damaged beyond repair because she is a completely incapable partner. You cannot possibly trust her. You cannot possibly like what she does to you. Rather, you simply accept it. There is a difference between accepting what someone gives you, and appreciating it. There is nothing that she gives you that you could possibly appreciate.

 

If you stay, ramdogg, then this will be the rest of your life. You will be bullied and betrayed by your wife; you will be bullied and harassed by the shady people she surrounds herself with. You will be a terrible role model for your children, who will see one parent destroying another, and another parent too weak to defend himself. Your children will learn manipulation and torture on the one hand, and cowardice on the other. The will not know which extreme to use as a model for their adult lives. They will suffer and they will likely carry this suffering with them into adulthood, where they will have problems relating to other adults because of their poor social skills.

 

The good news is, you still have the power to change all of that.

 

Leave. Take charge of your life, and influence the lives of your children positively.

[whichwayisup]

Ram, long time no see on here, how are you doing?

[pedwin]

You teach people how to treat you!

Pedwin

[ramdogg]

Hello everybody it’s been a while since my last update, anyway my son started kindergarten on the 2nd and we talked about our relationship in length that night she told me that she wanted to work things out and that she wanted to stay with me I told her that I wanted all communication to stop with the OM and I told her that I don’t like to be treated like an idiot. I was very upset with all of what’s been going on all of her excuses and bs, she agreed that she would try to work on things and asked for me to be more attentive with her and more trusting about our relationship. She told me that the OM is strictly a friend and that what she did in the past was a mistake she tells me that she has been honest with me regarding her friendship with him. I believe her because like it or not she has always told me the truth whether it hurt my feelings or not. Anyways we got back together and are trying to make things work I told her that as long as we are honest with each other we should be able to work things out she also told me that she wants to seek professional help for her anger and the ways she deals with things. As far as the friendship with the OM goes she has promised to start cutting him out slowly. I told her that I wanted to have words with him and she begged of me not to because he is a dirty fighter and often has a gun in his car so I told her that I will respect her word and leave things the way they are right now. I am glad that I told her how I felt I had a lot of my courage and choice words with the help of everyone who has seen my post and has given me advise even if I didn’t like what I was reading I absorbed what was behind all the advise here. I feel good writing it lets me vent and feel free of these demons that get in my head sometimes. I hate being negative allot of the times but after I read my advise and hear that people care about me it makes me feel good. I read a post from someone who asked if I get off on the current situation I have they said I was masochist. I hate what has been going on I don’t get off on it at all I just don’t deal with things the way other people do I am very unsure of myself and often let people walk all over me I never have the right words to say when the time comes I always question myself and wonder if I could have done things differently. I know that my self-esteem is in the dumps I want to work on that with myself I just need to find out if there is help of any kind for people like me. On the outside if you were to meet me somewhere I put on a front like no other im funny and seem self confident but in reality I am alone and lonely. Anyways hope everybody has a nice weekend and just wish me the best. RAM

[romme22]

Hi Ram, glad to see you are getting a hold of things and making a move in the right direction. There's only one thing that bothers me about your last message and this is:

 

>As far as the friendship with the OM goes she has promised to start cutting him out >slowly.

 

This leaves the door open for him and her and I wouldn't tolerate that. I agree with what you said and that's all communication between them must stop immediately. If you let it dwindle slowly your wife will always be able to run over to him each time you have a problem. Not fair if she wants to work on the marriage.

 

That'd be like you only whacking off while thinking about your friend at work once in a while, would that be acceptable to your wife?

 

Rom

[TMCM]

"she agreed that she would try to work on things and asked for me to be more attentive with her and more trusting about our relationship."

 

I am sorry but if she wants to be trusted by you then she has to earn back the trust she destroyed when she had sex with the OM and continued her 'friendship' with him. How? To immediately dump the OM and get serious about seeking individual [anger issue] and marital [affair issue] counseling.

 

"As far as the friendship with the OM goes she has promised to start cutting him out slowly."

 

Did you ask her to define 'slowly'?

 

If she truly cared about you then she would realize that her 'friendship' with the OM is at your emotional expense. Would she agree to do the same if you still were friends with the woman you flirted with? I seriously doubt it.

 

ramdogg remember that her words are cheap and what really counts are her actions. Don't settle for anything less than actions from her.

[whichwayisup]

Hey Ram.

 

She needs to cut ALL CONTACT with him, not slowly. He's a thorn in your *ss otherwise. You have done everything possible to do what you can to make it work, seems like the ball is in her court. You need to get him away and out of your lives!!!!

 

Both of you go and talk to him, make her tell him no calls, no contact period...Threaten to get a restraining order if he shows any kind of violence.

 

I do hope it gets better. For your sake and your child's.

 

All the best.

[reservoirdog1]

Ram, I'm glad to see that things are heading towards where they should be... it's the way the journey is being conducted that concerns me.

 

Forget this whole "cutting him out slowly" bullsh*t. Every second he's part of your lives, he is a cancer on your marriage. You don't placate a cancer and persuade it to leave your body over time. You cut it out, without mercy.

 

Besides, as TMCM said, "slowly" could mean anything. You HAVE to get a definition from her. Personally, I wouldn't give her any time. But if you feel you must, give her a week to get him out of her life. And if she ever communicates with him in any way again, you get a pitbull divorce lawyer and stick the whole mess up her ass.

 

I know this is tough for you, and I know that getting to the stage of being able to tell her that he can't be in her life was enough of a challenge. Your balls are growing back in -- or, more accurately, you're wresting them from her control. But she'll still being allowed to talk to him? No! F*ck that!

 

If you believe nothing else you read here, believe this: right now, she still thinks she has you under her thumb. She will respect you A LOT more if you lay down the law, tell her that she cannot speak, message, or see him again if she values the marriage. You then send Jackoff a letter, telling him that if he ever speaks to or comes within visual range of your wife, you, or any member of your family again, you will disembowel him.

 

This will piss her off. But right now it's clearly the last thing she's expecting from you. She figures she's got a good read on you. Prove her wrong. And in the long run (and, I have no doubt, a lot shorter than that), doing so will rebuild her respect for you.

[England]

Ram, I joined this board just to reply to you as I stumbled on the thread.

Firstly I empathise with you, really strongly, and some of the things sound painfully similar to my own situation.

We have been going to counselling and it has helped loads and there are some lessons that I have learned that I must share with you

1. He isn't just a friend they were (maybe still are) sleeping together

2. He must not be allowed to be let down slowly, it will allow her the option to keep in contact

3. Don't get violent with him, it can't help period

4. Look after yourself, you must be feeling at a low ebb, but things will get better eventually either with her or in a new life with someone else so don't do anything silly. in fact go and spoil yourself, buy some new clothes, get a hair cut, make a real effort to win her back. Try and remember what she liked about you when you met and try and recreate those feelings.

5. You need to give her some space, try not to sneak into her bed, though god knows I've done the same, you will smother her and just end up pushing her further away

6. If things haven't improved you must tell her father, preferably with her mother there, that they have slept together. Her parents have stuck together through hard times and will want to support you in doing the same, they can put pressure on her and the om in ways you can't.

7. Don't tell her that you love her 15 times a day as I suspect you are doing at the moment, unless she does something good for your relationship that means she deserves it. You owe her nothing at the moment.

8. I suspect, like me you can not imagine spending christmases for the rest of your life with your wife and kids and that is going to be the hardest part of it all but she needs to have an ultimatum and you have to be prepared to act on it.

9. Don't let her cherry pick the best bits out of your life and carry on with the om because then she is getting exactly what she wants ie the greenest grass from both fields.

I'm sorry to use cliches but this is what I see as the reality of your situation. But most of all I wish you all the best in what is going to be painful and trying for both of you whatever happens.

[LPKH]

I'm not a wimp or a puss ... said Ram

 

Well, prove it

[ramdogg]

Update: Well I guess a lot of you were right and I was trying to convince myself that my life was o.k. so here’s what has happened last time I posted was in august since then I thought thing were o.k. but she continued to step out of the house. when I came home she would leave and tell me she was going to starbucks or to tan and would come home late we would fight and she always blamed me for her leaving telling me that all I ever do is judge criticize and annoy her when she comes home and she was tired of hearing from me. Eventually I just got used to her leaving I didn’t want to fight with her anymore she assured me that she was driving around and wasn’t doing anything bad .Well late February we were going somewhere on a Sunday and she looked me in the eye and told me”I don’t have any feelings for you anymore I don’t love you“just like that out of the blue, boy that floored me I know that we were not getting along but god I never thought I would ever here that from her. The next day I called her from work and we talked I don’t know how the subject came up but I asked her are you cheating on me and she said “what if I was would you leave me “I said probably not but I would like to know, she then began telling me about her affair turned relationship she told me that and she loved me as a person but her heart was with the o/m . I just about died my heart has never felt pain like that before she told me the worst thing a married man could ever hear which was that she was in love with him. She told me that he makes her feel special and alive and I just don’t know how to connect with her. She wanted for me to understand and allow her to continue because having both of us made her happy. Well I insisted that she make her decision me or him she asked me not to put her in that situation because she would rather kill herself before she would ever choose. My state of mind was screwed up and I decided to call a counselor that my work provides we talked and things have been somewhat better. My wife says that I am her future and reassures me I am her one and only but refuses to stop her friendship with the o/m which is total bs. It’s a waiting game for me now, my choices are to leave and abandon my kids and way of life I have been used to before this scumbag entered my life or to stay and try to salvage our relationship. Either way both roads will be rocky but for now I don’t want to rock the boat just yet.

[reservoirdog1]

Sorry you had to come back, Ram.

 

What she's doing has a name. It's called "emotional blackmail".

 

She wanted for me to understand and allow her to continue because having both of us made her happy. Well I insisted that she make her decision me or him she asked me not to put her in that situation because she would rather kill herself before she would ever choose.

 

Bulls***. She's not going to kill herself over that. What she is doing is being unbelievably selfish, so much so that she can't see beyond her own wants and needs. And woe betide anybody who gets in the way.

 

If you leave (and you won't be "abandoning your kids" -- why can't you get joint custody?), she will no doubt blame you for everything. But if you stay, and allow her to continue to have Jackoff in her life, you will be miserable forever. Do you have any concept of what that will do to your already fragile self-esteem? To have to cheerfully accept that your wife is being chummy (and probably more) with somebody she cheated on you with, just out of fear of either losing her or of her bulls*** scare tactics?

 

Ram, you have to start thinking of yourself. What you have isn't a marriage. You have to either lay down the law and put her to a choice -- you or him -- or make the choice for her. And given what you describe, I think you're going to have to make it for her.

 

She's not the only one who deserves to be happy. You do too. And fundamentally, you deserve a person of integrity and honour, who's willing to be faithful to you. Sounds like that ain't her.

[whichwayisup]

Ram!! I was wondering what had happened with you - Good to see you post my friend, but really sorry you had to.

 

She has to choose. You or him. Not both. That is so selfish of her if she plans on having to relationships on the go. Can't have her cake and eat it too- Life doesn't work that way. Marriage doen't work that way.

 

If she wants this OM and wants out of the marriage - SHE should leave the house and the kids. Not you. She's the one who is having the affair, not you.

 

I do hope that she decides to go to marriage councilling and work TOGETHER on fixing the marriage...But she also needs to go on her own. Cope with the loss (When/If she decides to end it with OM ) and doing No Contact with him. Once that is over, NC must happen otherwise the efforts of trying to save the marriage won't work.

 

She does love you! Don't doubt that...She's not thinking the way she should - She's hooked on this other guy -That crush feeling and all the fun stuff that goes with it. Her issues inside her led her to the affair - Maybe some issues were in the marriage to start with but she chose to GO out and have the affair and not to talk to you about it.

 

I'm sure afew others will jump in here and give you their thoughts.

 

Hang in there Ram. I feel for ya.

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

I had a hunch you would be back. Your wife is a cakewoman who has the best of both worlds. She has a husband that takes care of her and loves her and a lover she can love and have sex with when she wants. I have to tell you that you are a fool to accept this. She uses emotional blackmail on you and you accept it. If the roles were reversed do you think she would allow you to continue to screw your lover? She is totally humiliating and disrespecting you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Why should she change if she has a foolish husband that accept her having sex with another man while being married.

 

What kind of a message are you giving to your children? Would you want your children to be so accepting of a cheating spouse when they get married? It is so sad that your wife totally disrespects you. It is even worse that you have so little respect for yourself that you are allowing to share your wife with another man. How can you settle for so little and endure such humiliation. I feel for you but I think there must be a little masochism in you. Am I wrong?

[NiCoLe20]

GET A DIVORCE ALREADY!!! this woman doesnt deserve you... if i were you, i would take everything you have given her away. if you bought her a car, and you pay for all of it, take it back. take her house keys, change the locks and keep her away. she can pick up the kids on weekends or whatever and let her live at this dirtbags house. she is just dragging you along and wearing you out. its not worth all of this. when shes not home, she's with this man, and sleeping with him. if this were to happen to me, i would divorce so fast and lock her out she wouldnt know what hit her. seriously, you guys cant be living together anymore. its just getting worse & worse... when will you realize this? when she's pregnant with his kid? cmon man wake up!!! get her out of YOUR house- whether you want to realize this or not, she's just as much of a scumbag as the OM is. you got to lay down the rules now. your the boss. just continue to be a good role model for your kids and be there for them. its not healthy for your kids to see all this going on... get her out

[sylviaguardian]

Hi Ram,

 

Just read this thread and I really feel for you. The biggest problem that I see here is that you seem to have a severe lack of confidence or self-esteem. You really need to stick with your counselling to find out why you accept this kind of behaviour. You sound like a really nice person and you need to start looking at yourself and telling yourself what you like about yourself.

 

If you can, try to distance yourself from this a bit. I know it feels like your world is ending but try to find some space where you don't think about it. Take the kids out and enjoy them. By the sounds of it, they will have had a rocky time too.

 

It really sounds like you are terrified of losing your wife. Why? Allowing your wife to continue this way allows her to have no respect for you. You need to make her respect you.

 

All the things that your wife is doing are classic of people in affairs: saying that they are just friends, accusing you of always nagging her etc. The sad truth is that she IS having an affair with this man. Sitting waiting for it to end will not work. Even if she tires of him, she will have no respect for you and she will do it again.

 

This bit is interesting:

Originally posted by ramdogg

[color=darkred]she looked me in the eye and told me”I don’t have any feelings for you anymore I don’t love you“just like that out of the blue, boy that floored me I know that we were not getting along but god I never thought I would ever here that from her.

 

I asked her are you cheating on me and she said “what if I was would you leave me “I said probably not but I would like to know, she then began telling me about her affair turned relationship she told me that and she loved me as a person but her heart was with the o/m .

 

She told me that he makes her feel special and alive and I just don’t know how to connect with her.[/color]

 

If your wife doesn't have feelings for you, why hasn't she already left? All this crap she says about the OM making her feel special etc is typical affair talk. Of course, people feel 'special' in affairs! They are not real relationships!

 

The most important thing I will say is that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SIT AND WAIT FOR HER TO MAKE A DECISION. You make it. Take a gamble (in fact, you don't have a choice here). Tell her that if she really loves this other person, then she has to leave. My guess is that she has not yet seen the cold light of day and considered whether she could make a proper relationship with this person (by the way, I agree with all the others - He sounds like an absolute PATHETIC piece of crap). If she will not leave, you leave! It will give things time to cool off and she might find that her 'cake' doesn't look so appealing when she can eat as much as she likes of it.

 

The other option for your wife is that she decides she wants to stay with you. If so, she has to drop ALL contact with this man and start to focus on you. Make it clear that what she is doing now is not one of the two options.

 

My h had an affair and although he was remorseful afterwards and ended it, throwing him out of the house for a few weeks was one of the best things I ever did because he had to wake up to himself fast. This is what your wife needs and she ain't going to get it until she makes a choice.

 

If she really loved the OM and was sure that it could work, she would have left by now. My guess is that once you chuck her out she will see him for what he really is - a lying, manipulative coward.

 

Sylvia

 

PS I also think it is time to tell your parent-in-law what is really going on. Believe me, no-one will be laughing at you! More than likely they will be embarrassed and ashamed themselves.

[TMCM]

ramdogg,

 

Who says that a betrayed H should be the one to leave his home and allow his unfaithful W to stay with the kids? Contact an attorney and find out what your legal options are. Men who fight for custody have a better chance of getting it than men who don't [i should know, I got physical custody of my daughters].

 

One last thing, it is surprising how in many cases when a H throws his unfaithful W out the door, all of sudden her 'in-love' feelings for him seem to return and she wants to save/rebuild the marriage. I guess there is something to say about self-respect after all, wouldn't you say?

 

TMCM

[jmargel]

Originally posted by ramdogg

Update: Well I guess a lot of you were right and I was trying to convince myself that my life was o.k. so here’s what has happened last time I posted was in august since then I thought thing were o.k. but she continued to step out of the house. when I came home she would leave and tell me she was going to starbucks or to tan and would come home late we would fight and she always blamed me for her leaving telling me that all I ever do is judge criticize and annoy her when she comes home and she was tired of hearing from me. Eventually I just got used to her leaving I didn’t want to fight with her anymore she assured me that she was driving around and wasn’t doing anything bad .Well late February we were going somewhere on a Sunday and she looked me in the eye and told me”I don’t have any feelings for you anymore I don’t love you“just like that out of the blue, boy that floored me I know that we were not getting along but god I never thought I would ever here that from her. The next day I called her from work and we talked I don’t know how the subject came up but I asked her are you cheating on me and she said “what if I was would you leave me “I said probably not but I would like to know, she then began telling me about her affair turned relationship she told me that and she loved me as a person but her heart was with the o/m . I just about died my heart has never felt pain like that before she told me the worst thing a married man could ever hear which was that she was in love with him. She told me that he makes her feel special and alive and I just don’t know how to connect with her. She wanted for me to understand and allow her to continue because having both of us made her happy. Well I insisted that she make her decision me or him she asked me not to put her in that situation because she would rather kill herself before she would ever choose. My state of mind was screwed up and I decided to call a counselor that my work provides we talked and things have been somewhat better. My wife says that I am her future and reassures me I am her one and only but refuses to stop her friendship with the o/m which is total bs. It’s a waiting game for me now, my choices are to leave and abandon my kids and way of life I have been used to before this scumbag entered my life or to stay and try to salvage our relationship. Either way both roads will be rocky but for now I don’t want to rock the boat just yet.

 

You are letting yourself being treated like this because you are tolerating her behavior. She has NO motivation to change since she is screwing this guy and still living with you. Stand up for yourself and regain the respect. I will guarantee you that if you continue this cycle she will eventually leave you for good. You get treated on how you let yourself get treated. She has been cheating on you, lying to you and disrespecting you. She has also taken the responsibility of her screwing this man onto your shoulders. Wow, sounds like she has it pretty good at your expense, huh? That is NOT love. That is NOT honoring her vows. It's time you force her to make a decision and if she chooses this OM, then she was going to choose him all along. You can then get on with your life with someone worth being with. This is a critical point in your relationship with her. It's time to step up.

[onlyhuman]

Ram

 

I had to deal with some severe problems lately, my problem is,was, a lack of backbone.There are lots of counseling courses designed to give you back what you have lost.As others have mentioned you need self confidence and a good dose of assertiveness.If you don't stand up to this situation believe it or not you will get hurt even worse.Its time to grab the bull by the horns and deal with this problem that you inadvertantly have propagated.

Get your dignity back, guaranteed you'll feel better and gain some self respect.

In respect for you, I can't even begin to write what I think your wife is.

 

Best of luck,PLEASE DO SOMETHING!

[romme22]

Hey Ram,

 

I haven't responded to a thread here since I was outraged by your last one. We'll I'm back again after your last reply.

 

I feel bad for you man... But I can't figure it out. You must like the misery and pouting otherwise you would have bailed long ago.

 

>"She wanted for me to understand and allow her to continue because having both of us made her happy. "

 

You've got to be ****ting us with this one... Did she really say this to you with a straight face?? I guess it's a great idea though cause she can use you for a money pump who'll but her clothes, pay her bills, make her dinner, etc.. The when's she's feeling horny she can go over her other honeys house and get a good banging and then after she can come to her little hubby wubby and check out the fridge for a late night snack.

 

Get a clue man.. Divorces happen all the time, kids adapt and overcome. I love my kids too but if this were what my wife were doing to me I'd make her life a living hell.

 

But if you don't get a divorce then at least get a girlfriend on the side and see how your wife likes it, I'll bet she'll have the nerve to be irate about it.

[Craig]

I agree with the other posters so far and what ever you do don't move out of your home and leave your kids behind.

[Sal Paradise]

How much of her dishonesty and crap are you gonna put up with before you dump her? She doesn't love you and she's trying to have her cake and eat it to. Have some self respect and throw her out and get yourself a real woman that loves and respects you.

[XDOR]

Ramdogg:

 

Just one question:

That weekend in Tahoe, did you have a three-some?

Or you were not included?

 

Sorry for the joke.

More seriously, you should DIVORCE HER.

Situations like yours cannot be fixed. You gave too much already.

You should stop loving her, and build your life again.

 

Go to a therapist and ask for help if you need to, but you don't deserve her.

[ameshal]

I tried not to get involved with this thread, but its like a trainwreck, and I just cant look away. Ramm Im going to be blunt because you need someone to smack you upside the head ...it is OVER. There is NO reconciliation, and at this point there is nothing left to salvage except for a little of your self respect. If not for yourself, then for the sake of your children you have to set an example.

 

Im not sure if you see the irony here, but you are in fact creating your wife all over again in your children if you dont stop this now! She claims that her father cheated on her mother and her mother acted like everything was fine. This is EXACTLY what is happening in your relationship right now!! You have to break the cycle for the sake of your children.

 

Im not saying this because I like to come down hard on people or because I dont understand the pain of losing someone you love. I just lost my girlfriend of 5 years 4 days ago and its eating me up inside! But my god man, I would never, ever have put up with only one of the events that you have described let alone the entire sad soap opera you have outlined here. Get ahold of yourself and pick yourself up! You mentioned she treats you like a doormat, its because you LET her!

 

You think you wont find happiness with someone else? I can guarantee you, you are WRONG! As long as you stick it out with this sorry excuse of a wife though, you will always feel worthless and incapable...and you know what...stay with her much longer and you will be. This woman is a disease and you need to get out NOW. For your sake and especially for your children! They should be your main concern and you will not get this time back to make sure they become well adjusted later on in life. Get a lawyer, prove adultery, get the children and permanently close this chapter of your life. I wish you the best.

[TMCM]

Originally posted by ameshal

But my god man, I would never, ever have put up with only one of the events that you have described let alone the entire sad soap opera you have outlined here.

 

NOBODY truly knows how he/she will react once faced with that situation.

 

TMCM