wife had an affair with someone i work with what now?

[romme22]

I on the other hand, cannot bite my tongue.

 

The only counselor you should be calling is spelled L A W Y E R, she totally lied to you about cutting contact, went away over night and then came home with a new bag? With just the 2 or 3 lies right there, how could you possibly believe she went away alone? With all the lies in the past, how could you believe anything this person is telling you?

 

I don't know Ram, I think you're getting set up for some additional hurt, if that's at all possible. You're spending all this time and energy with a woman who lies to you, tells you she doesn't love you but then throws you the smallest of bones by saying she'll go to a marriage counselor? And you're happy and accepting of all of this after she just spent a night banging away with another man?

 

Wow is all I can say. You really have to lay out an ultimatum, you or him, you need to devise a plan where either she leaves or you leave. If you don't do something drastic, she has absolutely nothing to fear in continuing what she's doing. Which is cheating, lying and using you for a baby sitter while she does it.

 

Maybe you should just take off for a week or so and see if she 'can handle' the kids and the house on her own. But I'll tell you why you won't do that, because you're afraid that once you leave, he'll be over there 'helping' out. Then you're wife can say you forced her into it. All the more reason to do it.

 

Here's an alternate plan, tell her you aren't happy and can't live like this anymore and that you're consulting with a lawyer to determine but your best options are if you decide to go ahead with anything. See what her response is. You don't have to do it if you don't want to, but tell her you are. I betcha her response will be, ya right, i'm going to the mall.

[romme22]

Oh, did I ever tell you about my niece? mid 30's, married, 2 kids 4 and 6.

 

Not that you really care right now, but she started this emotional affair with a co-worker. Started innocent enough, chatting at work. Then it moved to phone calls, then maybe lunch here or there. Then the going out alone to meet for drinks at night.

 

Before you know it she's banging this new guy then going home to hubby. Hubby got suspiscous and caught on. The lies start, didn't do it, don't love him, one time, cutting contact etc... Next thing you know she moves out and is living with the new guy. This is all within the last year and with my wife being her best friend I got the entire scoop and it sounds so familiar.

 

Where he went wrong, was he stayed passive, never raised his voice and wanted to talk it out. She agreed to go to counseling and went twice before dropping it and her husband for the co-worker. He believed that true love would mend all and that she'd see the error of her ways and that the guilt would get to her, blah blah blah.

 

Sound Familiar?

[I Survived]

RAMM!!!!GET YOUR WIFE TO THE DOCTOR!! She has an addiction. Counseling will not work right now. Get her tested for a chemical imbalance going on with her. There are all kinds of addictions; drugs, alcohol, gambling.... there has got to be a reason why she treats herself, you and her home the way she does. She addicted to the way this jerk makes her feel. Aren't you tired of the BS???? Or are you just content to be a martyr?? You are allowing your children to be raised in a DYSFUNCTIONAL home. You owe them better than that.

[brashgal]

I agree with the others about giving her an ultimatum and sticking to it. I also know that only you will know when you've truly had enough - as long as there is hope, right or wrong, I know that desire to keep trying to work it out.

 

ameshal had asked:

 

How long has it been since you gave your ex the boot, and how are you enjoying life now that you dont have to put up with him? How are your kids adjusting?

 

It will be two years in July. The first year was very hard, my younger son had a lot of problems in school, I barely made it through each holiday. This past year has been pretty good - I am a kinder, gentler brashgal, my younger son is excelling in school and has a good relationship with his Dad (who pays him way more attention now than before the split). My older son who was a teenager and is now in college deals with Dad so he'll foot some of his college expenses but their relationship has suffered. I wouldn't be surprised if he told him exactly how he feels once he's out of school, he complains bitterly about him. He knows about the affairs though so lost quite a bit of respect for him.

 

We are all much less stressed though - even though it was sad that 20 years amounted to so little, it's good to be free of the rollercoaster emotionsand constant sense of insecurity and mistrust. I got tired of living like an animal.

[ramdogg]

I tried talking to my W about counceling and she really has no interest in going right now and continues to leave at night so i talked to my councelor who has been a shoulder to lean on when i needed he advised me not to leave the house because it is considered abandomenment also he wants me to try and document all the times she has left overnight and all the gifts she has recieved from Mr. Turd I am preparing myself mentally for divorse or seperation but i know that it will be hard i just wish things could have worked out but maybe this will open her eyes. Well wish me luck and i hope that i am strong enough to endure this. Rammdogg

[Mz. Pixie]

I agree to document EVERYTHING even if it doesn't seem important. This will help you in court, I know people who have done it.

[whichwayisup]

I think by documentating everything is a good idea. Might as well because trust me, later on it could get nasty and she could turn the tables on you. Keep a daily journal - Including conversations, arguements etc. Definately jot down all the presents, and that damn ring her bought her!

 

Well, I think you DO have the strength to get through this Ramm. Just look at what you've suffered and gone through in the past XX months! You're alot stronger than you realize.

[romme22]

Originally posted by ramdogg

I tried talking to my W about counceling and she really has no interest in going right now and continues to leave at night so i talked to my councelor who has been a shoulder to lean on when i needed he advised me not to leave the house because it is considered abandomenment also he wants me to try and document all the times she has left overnight and all the gifts she has recieved from Mr. Turd I am preparing myself mentally for divorse or seperation but i know that it will be hard i just wish things could have worked out but maybe this will open her eyes. Well wish me luck and i hope that i am strong enough to endure this. Rammdogg

 

Ram, I feel sorry for you. You have to realize one thing though, you wife is already gone, you need to move on. She's gotten the best of you so far, don't let her get the rest.

 

You can continue to talk to the councelor all you want but you really need legal advice. You need to contact an attorney. If you want to get custody of your children and/or your home you need to start planning now and not wait until the ball drops. If your wife files first, it's going to be a lot harder to prove your case. Please don't wait any longer, your lawyer can advise you much better than anyone else.

 

One other tidbit. A friend of ours got divorced but the wife got custody of the kids. He agreed to have the kids every weekend, from friday night until Monday morning as his 'visitation'. What this actually did was 1) make it difficult for him to make any weekend plans without paying for a sitter, 2) gave his ex the ability to have each and every weekend free to whore around town and go out, 3) makes him look like the bad guy if he wants to go out on a date on the weekend. Make sure you think out all your agreements.

 

Romme

[reservoirdog1]

All good advice, Ram. You need to shift into divorce mode. Romme22 is right about the weekend arrangements; you don't want to be hamstrung in your ability to find somebody actually worth committing to.

 

But more critically -- and beyond the obvious hire-a-lawyer stuff -- now is the time to say f*ck her, and start doing things for yourself. When my cheating XW decided she didn't want to continue her half-assed reconciliation efforts, my first reaction was sadness. However, it was shortly replaced by anger. That anger kept me going. Start hitting the gym and getting in shape. Make plans to get together with friends in the evening, as much as you can, without her. And, very importantly, TELL her what your plans are. Don't ASK if they're okay. As in, "just so you know, I'm out Wednesday, Friday and Sunday nights." Do things for YOU, regardless of what she thinks. Some activity or sport you've always wanted to try? Sign up for it.

 

This will serve a couple of purposes. Firstly, it will keep you busy and help get your mind off your shytty situation a bit. Secondly -- and this is the perversely amusing part -- it'll throw her for a loop. It'll cause her to question her resolve and whether or not she's doing the right thing. It will likely NOT make her want to reconcile, but that's not the point -- the point is to keep her unhinged. Watching HER twist emotionally while you live it up will help you immeasurably.

 

Right now she thinks she has you all figured out, thinking you're just a sad little puppy who'll slink quietly into a corner and sulk without her. And seeing you like that will confirm things for her and help convince her that she did the right thing. Acting contrary to her expectations will throw her out of whack. Trust me, that's what my XW expected of me; fortunately, I'd gotten this very advice from a couple of other online communities and it served me well. I flew to Vegas with friends a week after we split, and she called me while I was there and begged me to come back to her. Long story short, we stayed apart -- but the satisfaction I got from that was amazing.

[romme22]

reservoirdog1, excellent post.

 

Ram, just expanding on resdog's post.

 

Seems to me as though your not much more than a babysitter to her now. Tell her your going out but wait until right before you leave and then leave, no negotiating. Don't listen to her piss and moan about how she had plans, do you really want her to keep her plans to meet him? I think in some cases, if you give her advance notice then she'll be sure to take off before you or not come home at all regardless of your plans, and leave you watching the kids. Make sure when you do go out that you come home late enough that she's unlikely to go out but early enough to not be out late.

 

If your phone supports it, turn on call logging and log all inbound and outbound calls. Print them out and keep them off-site somewhere. If it doesn't support it, then switch to a plan that does. Voice over ip, like att or vonage is very good at this, tell her it's to save money.

 

Make sure you screw up her weekends too by going out or being unavailable enough that she has to watch the kids. If she tells you in advance about something that she's doing and you can't verify it, then screw it up. Face it, this woman is cheating on you and you need to make it inconvenient for her to do this.

 

I agree with everyone, document everything, dates, times, conversations, etc.

 

Buy a fishing pole and go fishing, Go to the movies. Stumble around the mall and buy yourself a new bra. You don't have to go out drinking every night.

 

If the OM has threatened you and you have proof, file a restraining order against him, keep him away from your house. A restraining order for Infidelity can be filed in many states also. Your wife mentioned before that he has a gun, find out if it's legal and turn him in if it's not. Many gun owners have permits to carry, but not for concealed. This man has ruined your life (with the help of your wife), why do you want to be nice about this anymore?

 

romme

[reservoirdog1]

I agree with romme (uh... except maybe about the bra part?). One more thing to add. If you haven't done so previously, send an email or something to OM warning him that he is forbidden to come to your home. Then talk to a lawyer for a few minutes to find out what constitutes trespassing where you live.

 

The reason I suggest this is that, if you follow romme's excellent advice, I'll bet you a pound to a pinch of shyt that she'll have OM over while you're out. And if you come home and find him there after you've already warned him to stay away, you may be justified in getting medieval on his ass for trespassing on your property. Check with a lawyer to make sure, however. It would be great for you to be able to open up a can of whup-ass on him without worrying about legal consequences.