6 Years In 2 Kids Later And Trying To Hold On.

[Cluelesshusband]

So a couple years ago I caught my wife on FB chatting with some guy from her job. This is not an issue but trust is. I caught her getting out of bed after giving me the roll over on my 30th Bday. She changed her password and while I never logged on but when she asked me to I still knew what it was. So when she came back to bed I went to to investigate. When I no longer could log in I made a big deal about it till she gave me the new password. So I called the guy out and as far as I know it was the end of it. Dude quit his job and moved on.

 

Here is where I have an issue with trust. For two years when it came up she would tell me that the VERY next time she was to send him an email would have been to call off the meeting they had planed. In the past emails it never seemed like that was the direction she would take. She was totally into this guy. So much so that she stopped having relations with me even on my Bday. So I knew that line was BS. Now 2 years later she comes out with it. Saying she had every intention of screwing the guy but I caught her. Big surprise. But just the other night while voicing concern over whats going on now she brings my trust for her into it. I told her why I have reason not to trust her by bringing up the situation in the past. Then she says the stated intention to sleep with the guy was just to tell me what I wanted to hear. Back to the original BS about how she was going to break it off next email. How convenient that within the 80 emails before she had not broke it off but the very next one that she never sent was going to be the break off.

 

Now its been 13 months since the second baby and we fixed it so we can not have anymore kids. For the first 3 months (healing time included) after the baby she was what I am going to call normal size. We fit like a glove and sex was getting better and better. Then all of a sudden I started seeing signs of cheating. Will keep that out for this post for now and stick to whats really bothering me.

 

We did it almost every day and all of a sudden I noticed distance, and her growing larger. It got to the point that I was hare to tell if I had penetration. Im not small (just over average) but not the largest and I am okay with that. So this went on for like 7 months. Unless we went out of town or she took time off of work. When she was away from work for a few days then she would get smaller. But every time she would go back to being really big again.

 

Recently she wanted anal and I dont mind it from time to time but guess what. Her ass was huge!!! I could not take it anymore at that point and lost my cool. She said it was cause she took a big crap. Get real. From that point on I noticed her getting smaller and smaller. It was two weeks of having a awesome time and her getting multiple orgasms again. This is my dream come true at this point. I dont care what she did I just want my wife back. So I just show her support.

 

But over the last two weeks its gotten huge again. I cant take it. So I slept on the couch last night.

 

What I really need is support. I know people will be quick to say that she had the second baby and it changed her. But how can it change that much? What about the 7 year rule? How does it not just get smaller and stay smaller or close to it? I seen them porn movies with them woman sleeping with huge men and the huge tunnel created. This is what my wife is like. For an average man this is not how the woman should be IMO. Also for the most part being huge and all is not how it should be. Its not like she has a baby every time she gos to work. What about the infection she had and the spotting? Spotting can be caused from being drilled by a horse, can it not? I should know cause I have made her spot. One of the reasons for the infection where stated on the sheet to be caused from having multiple sex partners. So why would I not suspect cheating?

 

This last episode it just seems like she is trying harder to hide it. Before she would drain what looked like mans ejaculation on me. It would stink to. Now no smell. No ejaculation but still huge and the last few times watery liquid was flooding out like she was douching. Also recently, two times I was all sticky and I hate lube cause its sticky. But I swear she had lube in her cause that's exactly what it felt like I had on me.

 

I cant count how many times I had to stop in the middle of making love and get in the shower or want to go get sick in the bathroom. This is eating us all up and I need to know the truth, but I am scared to know. She wants to hold on but I think the man she might be seeing on the side is also married and they just like getting it done on the side. But its not good with me cause the sex is so bad. Am I crazy? Does any thing I said suggest that I am overlooking something about the situation that could be normal. Do I have to just learn to deal with it?

[YorickBrown]

Man, your post is looooooong...(sorry), but did read it, but I may have actually stopped when I reached the ejaculation, white fluid and douching parts (really?!) You sound like you're from CSI or something...Anyways, I digress.

 

See, as a still single guy (im kinda old)..."horror stories" such as yours about married life and coming from a husband and with kids at that! (wives usually have these kinds of "trust" problems), makes me really, really want to seriously forego/swear-off marriage completely (especially since im from a country where there is no divorce). Women have become too...sad to say, much more powerfully promiscuous nowadays (almost as men, if not more), especially with all these social-networking...its just too damn easy for them....erm, everyone, to "cheat". Facebook is evil, I say. I'll rant about this more...but some other time.

 

Anyways, as for "advice"...geez....wait:eek:....did she have a ligation or did you get a vasectomy? Or both? Is that what you mean by "we fixed it so we can not have anymore kids"!?!? Uhmmm...you know, those "procedures"....i dunno, if its psychological or hormonal but...it kinda gives sexual partners the "freedom to explore more" you know...a kinda like "license to sex" anytime...and anywhere..."no worries" anymore right?!? I guess that's why your wife is playing Double"O" Seven (007) ...I dunno maybe you can still "reverse" the procedure cause I think that's what's causing the "cheating" ---making it much easier for her at least.

[Cluelesshusband]

Ya I covered a lot didn't I. Maybe thats why no one will respond. You did make a good point about her tubes being burnt. It makes it better for her cause she can not get prego from another guy. I understand that. But what about a STD. Cant stop that.

 

Anyways. If the entire story is not read then I cant see how anyone can respond and see where im at to help me put this into perspective. Thas really the whole point of me spending so much time on my post.

[KraftDinner]

I'm kind of confused to be honest.

 

Did she for sure cheat before and now you're just paranoid? I don't know if any of those things you mentioned are signs for sure...but since you're concerned/convinced they are, are you considering leaving her?

[Cluelesshusband]

I'm kind of confused to be honest.

 

Did she for sure cheat before and now you're just paranoid? I don't know if any of those things you mentioned are signs for sure...but since you're concerned/convinced they are, are you considering leaving her?

 

Two years ago she was going to and I stopped it. This recent issue for the last 9 months is just much harder to prove. She does not even use the computer for the most part anymore, so if she is doing something she has learned from her first mistake.

 

If she is cheating I will just try my best to make it work. See a marriage counselor and try to move forward. No one is perfect, but I would want it to stop. Its eating us up as time goes on and strange things keep raising flags.

[Cluelesshusband]

So I guess what I really need to know is what more people think about the long 1st post, so I can decide on a course of action. Should I assume something is going on, or after the second baby could she change that much, and snap back only to change again and be changed for so long at a time?

 

If this is pointing towards the woman being a cheater then I want to get a GPS Tracker and prove my concern is fact cause she wont admit anything. Then see if we can work it out or not. One thing is for sure. Something needs to get worked out ASAP. Thats why I posted. Thanks.

[Exit]

Well I read your whole first post but not sure what to make of it. You were vague in some parts and worded things in a weird fashion in other. I'm not sure I comprehended all of what I read. Your wife gains and loses weight and her ass changes sizes related to when she goes out of town for a couple days? I guess figuring out every sentence you wrote doesn't matter. Basically you caught her in some Facebook emotional affair a few years ago and she won't stick to her story in regards to whether she meant to screw this guy or was planning to put an end to it.

 

But now you've gone from a suspected online affair a few years ago to now thinking there are actual physical signs that she is being intimate with someone else.

 

I see two different lines of thought that could be explored here. One way would be to try to figure out whether or not she is actually guilty of anything, or the second way is just to say it doesn't really matter if she is doing anything or not and just look at the lack of trust and the affect it is having.

 

It doesn't sound like the Facebook affair from 2 years ago has ever been resolved. And I don't blame you for feeling that way when she has changed her story about it a few times. So basically your relationship with her changed when that first happened and never really got back to normal.

 

As far as your questions about whether her weight fluctuations and other physical changes could be related to the birth of a second child, I would assume that it could be related to that. But you seem more interested in these being signs of cheating.

 

Sure you could go down the road of trying to track or follow her somehow to find out what's going on. But some would say the relationship is already doomed when you're at the point of feeling like you need to track their whereabouts and try to catch them in an affair.

 

There are children involved so that does give you a reason to figure this out in the best way possible whereas if you did not have kids it would be much easier to just end the relationship.

 

The problem with trying to track her or spy on her somehow is that even if you find out something you can use against her, you'll just look like the bad guy for spying on her in the first place. She'll again be able to deflect the problem of her cheating into a problem with your trust issues.

 

Going back to the Facebook thing for a minute, it doesn't really matter if she was planning to tell that guy off in the next email, or arrange plans to sleep with him. Once you caught her, the situation became more centered around YOUR decisions. Choosing to stay with her after that should have involved forgiveness and rebuilding of the trust. That never happened, so you have existed in this toxic state ever since. If the trust was so damaged that this relationship was never going to feel good again, it would have been better to unfortunately have to end the relationship because of what she did. Living in a state of fear and resentment and not being able to get out of the past is not healthy.

 

I don't think I feel comfortable advocating that you try to use a GPS tracker or anything like that. If you feel it will provide you with useful information, that's up to you. I would instead take the high road and try to handle it with decency instead of relying on spy gadgets. Tell her your trust is still damaged, tell her you still sometimes suspect that she is up to something, ask her if she has anything she would like to admit to you, and suggest that maybe you would like for both of you to attend counseling to see if this trust can ever be repaired. Even if YOU don't really want to go to counseling, just bring it up to see how she reacts to it. If she reacts violently or negatively about it, I would consider that a little suspicious. If she truly takes responsibility for talking to that person on Facebook a few years back and knows it damaged your relationship and weakened your trust in her, then she should be open to the suggestion of counseling and getting your family back on the right track. If she acts like it's the most ridiculous idea in the world to put some effort into a venture that might strengthen your relationship, then that's not a good sign. I'm not JUST suggesting this as a bluff tactic though, you both should really consider something like counseling to repair the damaged trust.

 

That's just my two cents and I don't think this is the greatest advice I've ever given. It's just a fine line to walk. It's important to you to find out what's going on but you have to tread carefully otherwise you can end up looking like the bad guy, and if the situation got out of hand and really led to some negative developments about the relationship , you don't want her to have ammunition to use against you that you were spying on her and tracking her. If she is guilty of anything, and you get too hot on her trial and she senses danger, she'll use anything she can against you to make it look like you were the bad guy and end up taking the kids away etc. Don't act hastily, especially when there is the possibility that there is absolutely nothing going on and you have just become very paranoid ever since that stuff happened with her talking to someone online.

 

Which brings me back to what I said earlier. Maybe this is not so much about whether or not she is doing something, but just accepting the fact that this relationship has suffered some damage and never really recovered. This sounds like some drama that should be going on between teenagers, not two adults who chose to bring 2 other lives into this world. It can't continue like this, which you already know. I would skip the GPS trackers and the spying and just tell her you have never felt the same since that stuff happened a few years ago and you would like to see her attend counseling with you.

Edited November 25, 2012 by Exit

[YorickBrown]

Ya I covered a lot didn't I. Maybe thats why no one will respond. You did make a good point about her tubes being burnt. It makes it better for her cause she can not get prego from another guy. I understand that. But what about a STD. Cant stop that.

 

Anyways. If the entire story is not read then I cant see how anyone can respond and see where im at to help me put this into perspective. Thas really the whole point of me spending so much time on my post.

 

Ok, ok...i read your post entirely (even "in-between" the lines--shows you how much time I have on my hands)...that's why I caught your wife's "tubal-ligation" (there's really more to it than that...although, i may have put it in a "joking" manner)

 

Nways, Im one of those "outside-the-box" (very unconventional, and sometimes, really stupidly insane, so bear with me) thinkers...so here goes Mr. Clueless:

 

Obviously, "trust" is at the heart your problem...you simply can't trust her anymore...and yeah, sure therapy/counseling might help but in the long-term it we all know things will eventually breakdown especially where Trust is involved...there's really no way of putting it back together (as it used to be, whatever that means), you just have to accept it and live with what's left.....So...here's my solution: (and please don't hate me for this ---its a bit uhmmm...."disturbing" because you have kids...and very young ones at that)

 

Why dont you..... give her a "Free Pass"? Do you know what I mean? Have her "get it out of her system" (anyways, she's "fixed" right? so there's really less or no complications at all) Of course, because you're "concerned" about STDs...you may really want to uhmmmm...."screen" potential uhmmm...you know, her "partner(s)" (that would be one of your conditions at the very least) Or, you could offer/demand to take her to the clinic for scheduled STD testing (I know, it sucks)...Be open & honest with her about it...that way you wont be "Clueless" husband anymore (I think this is also one of the reasons why your so "bothered" or "angry"....she's making a fool of you) Think about it. Man up (or down) Take charge. Take the "bull(sh*t) by the horns" as they say....before "the sh*t hits the fan" (take out the fan). That's it....im running out of cliches.

 

Do you understand? You probably hate me by now.

Edited November 25, 2012 by YorickBrown

[Cluelesshusband]

She does not gain or lose weight. She ends up with a huge vagina every time she goes to work. I wonder if this could have something to do with the second baby but she got smaller after both kids. About 2-3 months after the last child she started going the wrong direction. Its only getting smaller when we leave town or I really start showing how much the situation is getting to me. I know what sex feels like with my wife by now and its deff strange more so over the last 9 months. So strange its like I cant even feel penetration. If this is all normal then I am the one in the wrong here.

 

As far as the FB thing it was resolved but once I started stressing about this newer issue she finally decided to come out and say that she planed on sleeping with the guy rather then trying to say she was about to break it off. I always knew she was full of it on that one and taking 2 years to tell me that shows that she will not just come out and say she is cheating. I expect her take it to the grave if she is cheating.

 

Recently she also went back to the first story and says that she planed on breaking it off on the next email. Really if that was what she was going to do then thats what she would have done. Instead she stayed up late and left me in bed on my Bday to chat with him. She also did tell me once that she had slept with a guy from work and the last time was 4 days before. Then says she was just saying what I wanted to hear. Now she is innocent again and attacking me for not trusting her. Last time we had a talk about it she says I am the only one thats ever screwed her. LIE. She had one guy before me lol. I know just one. I dont care but trust and truth is in question here.

 

All of this is the reason I say GPS. Not cause I want drama but cause I know she will never admit anything. I only get mind games and I am losing my mind over it. So if I found out anything for sure then we have something to work with. As of now I am just going nuts over this and all the signs keep popping up to drive me even more crazy.

 

I put something into prespective tonight about how she gets huge in the mid section every time she leaves the house. How come this never happens when she is not at work or should be at work. Trust me when she is smaller my childhood comes back I work it out time after time all day long. Never gets bigger till she leaves. At least not near as big as when she comes home. And trust me I would love someone to tell me I am wrong. Thats why I am here.

Well I read your whole first post but not sure what to make of it. You were vague in some parts and worded things in a weird fashion in other. I'm not sure I comprehended all of what I read. Your wife gains and loses weight and her ass changes sizes related to when she goes out of town for a couple days? I guess figuring out every sentence you wrote doesn't matter. Basically you caught her in some Facebook emotional affair a few years ago and she won't stick to her story in regards to whether she meant to screw this guy or was planning to put an end to it.

 

But now you've gone from a suspected online affair a few years ago to now thinking there are actual physical signs that she is being intimate with someone else.

 

I see two different lines of thought that could be explored here. One way would be to try to figure out whether or not she is actually guilty of anything, or the second way is just to say it doesn't really matter if she is doing anything or not and just look at the lack of trust and the affect it is having.

 

It doesn't sound like the Facebook affair from 2 years ago has ever been resolved. And I don't blame you for feeling that way when she has changed her story about it a few times. So basically your relationship with her changed when that first happened and never really got back to normal.

 

As far as your questions about whether her weight fluctuations and other physical changes could be related to the birth of a second child, I would assume that it could be related to that. But you seem more interested in these being signs of cheating.

 

Sure you could go down the road of trying to track or follow her somehow to find out what's going on. But some would say the relationship is already doomed when you're at the point of feeling like you need to track their whereabouts and try to catch them in an affair.

 

There are children involved so that does give you a reason to figure this out in the best way possible whereas if you did not have kids it would be much easier to just end the relationship.

 

The problem with trying to track her or spy on her somehow is that even if you find out something you can use against her, you'll just look like the bad guy for spying on her in the first place. She'll again be able to deflect the problem of her cheating into a problem with your trust issues.

 

Going back to the Facebook thing for a minute, it doesn't really matter if she was planning to tell that guy off in the next email, or arrange plans to sleep with him. Once you caught her, the situation became more centered around YOUR decisions. Choosing to stay with her after that should have involved forgiveness and rebuilding of the trust. That never happened, so you have existed in this toxic state ever since. If the trust was so damaged that this relationship was never going to feel good again, it would have been better to unfortunately have to end the relationship because of what she did. Living in a state of fear and resentment and not being able to get out of the past is not healthy.

 

I don't think I feel comfortable advocating that you try to use a GPS tracker or anything like that. If you feel it will provide you with useful information, that's up to you. I would instead take the high road and try to handle it with decency instead of relying on spy gadgets. Tell her your trust is still damaged, tell her you still sometimes suspect that she is up to something, ask her if she has anything she would like to admit to you, and suggest that maybe you would like for both of you to attend counseling to see if this trust can ever be repaired. Even if YOU don't really want to go to counseling, just bring it up to see how she reacts to it. If she reacts violently or negatively about it, I would consider that a little suspicious. If she truly takes responsibility for talking to that person on Facebook a few years back and knows it damaged your relationship and weakened your trust in her, then she should be open to the suggestion of counseling and getting your family back on the right track. If she acts like it's the most ridiculous idea in the world to put some effort into a venture that might strengthen your relationship, then that's not a good sign. I'm not JUST suggesting this as a bluff tactic though, you both should really consider something like counseling to repair the damaged trust.

 

That's just my two cents and I don't think this is the greatest advice I've ever given. It's just a fine line to walk. It's important to you to find out what's going on but you have to tread carefully otherwise you can end up looking like the bad guy, and if the situation got out of hand and really led to some negative developments about the relationship , you don't want her to have ammunition to use against you that you were spying on her and tracking her. If she is guilty of anything, and you get too hot on her trial and she senses danger, she'll use anything she can against you to make it look like you were the bad guy and end up taking the kids away etc. Don't act hastily, especially when there is the possibility that there is absolutely nothing going on and you have just become very paranoid ever since that stuff happened with her talking to someone online.

 

Which brings me back to what I said earlier. Maybe this is not so much about whether or not she is doing something, but just accepting the fact that this relationship has suffered some damage and never really recovered. This sounds like some drama that should be going on between teenagers, not two adults who chose to bring 2 other lives into this world. It can't continue like this, which you already know. I would skip the GPS trackers and the spying and just tell her you have never felt the same since that stuff happened a few years ago and you would like to see her attend counseling with you.

[Cluelesshusband]

Tried the whole open relationship thing and also letting her do what she wants. She says she only wants me. She will surly never go for letting me sleep with another woman. Cant even get her to talk about a 3 some or anything like it.

 

I wont say or even think for a second that we wont work out. We are married, and I take that seriously. I have said it a few times. She could tell me she was cheating and I would be happy cause then the issue could actually be fixed and we can move forward. But if she is cheating then she dont want it to stop. I even thought about finding myself a fling on the side. I could get with many of my ex gf's but that will not fix anything. I cant do it cause I love my wife. Plus it seems to me that she has had all the free pass' she needs.

Ok, ok...i read your post entirely (even "in-between" the lines--shows you how much time I have on my hands)...that's why I caught your wife's "tubal-ligation" (there's really more to it than that...although, i may have put it in a "joking" manner)

 

Nways, Im one of those "outside-the-box" (very unconventional, and sometimes, really stupidly insane, so bear with me) thinkers...so here goes Mr. Clueless:

 

Obviously, "trust" is at the heart your problem...you simply can't trust her anymore...and yeah, sure therapy/counseling might help but in the long-term it we all know things will eventually breakdown especially where Trust is involved...there's really no way of putting it back together (as it used to be, whatever that means), you just have to accept it and live with what's left.....So...here's my solution: (and please don't hate me for this ---its a bit uhmmm...."disturbing" because you have kids...and very young ones at that)

 

Why dont you..... give her a "Free Pass"? Do you know what I mean? Have her "get it out of her system" (anyways, she's "fixed" right? so there's really less or no complications at all) Of course, because you're "concerned" about STDs...you may really want to uhmmmm...."screen" potential uhmmm...you know, her "partner(s)" (that would be one of your conditions at the very least) Or, you could offer/demand to take her to the clinic for scheduled STD testing (I know, it sucks)...Be open & honest with her about it...that way you wont be "Clueless" husband anymore (I think this is also one of the reasons why your so "bothered" or "angry"....she's making a fool of you) Think about it. Man up (or down) Take charge. Take the "bull(sh*t) by the horns" as they say....before "the sh*t hits the fan" (take out the fan). That's it....im running out of cliches.

 

Do you understand? You probably hate me by now.

[CptSaveAho]

Wow am I the only person here thats going to say "You are living up to your name?"

 

I read your post when it was first posted and I cringed.... and said this guy cant really be this naive.

 

Your wife is banging other guys. Want to know why, because you allow her to. Shes not going to tell you the truth and hurt your feelings. She's gotten away with it so long and she can tell you whatever you want to hear and you believe it.

 

You had some guys cum come out of her onto you.... I seriously puked when I read that.

 

Your marriage is "TOAST". You allowed her cheating behavior to continue for YEARS. Why should she stop? There are no consequences for her to stop. Her vagina gets bigger when shes away from you, then returns to "normal" size when shes around.... Im trying not to laugh at this... but come on.

 

I dont understand how guys are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Dumb these days. The believe what ever comes out of a womans mouth even when the evidence points the opposite direction. GEEZ.

 

Oh so now you want to save a marriage that her actions say she doesnt want to be in. As a man, I would have packed my bags and left at the first sign of cheating back with the facebook messages. She's full of ****

 

Get it together!

[Cluelesshusband]

Wow am I the only person here thats going to say "You are living up to your name?"

 

I read your post when it was first posted and I cringed.... and said this guy cant really be this naive.

 

Your wife is banging other guys. Want to know why, because you allow her to. Shes not going to tell you the truth and hurt your feelings. She's gotten away with it so long and she can tell you whatever you want to hear and you believe it.

 

You had some guys cum come out of her onto you.... I seriously puked when I read that.

 

Your marriage is "TOAST". You allowed her cheating behavior to continue for YEARS. Why should she stop? There are no consequences for her to stop. Her vagina gets bigger when shes away from you, then returns to "normal" size when shes around.... Im trying not to laugh at this... but come on.

 

I dont understand how guys are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Dumb these days. The believe what ever comes out of a womans mouth even when the evidence points the opposite direction. GEEZ.

 

Oh so now you want to save a marriage that her actions say she doesnt want to be in. As a man, I would have packed my bags and left at the first sign of cheating back with the facebook messages. She's full of ****

 

Get it together!

Its one thing if she was just a GF rather then my wife or even if we did not have kids. I never did believe her and evidence of that should be all over every post I made. But to be sure before I take the next step and pay money out for a GPS I wanted a second opinion. Everyone thats been cheated on wonders what they did wrong or if they where just plain nuts.

 

But I need input no matter how bad it makes me look for putting up with it. I also need to take into consideration that we have children and in my own feeling about not being able to be a real dad is that it would be devastating. I am talking about the biggest devastation life has to offer here. Its no wonder I fear what is going on and have let it happen this long. Not without a fight though. We fight about it all the time. But I am lead to be the crazy one by my wife and even my own family.

 

Whatever it is, I am getting to ate up about it and I need resolve. Only way to get that at this point is to catch her. With kids to take care of while she is away its kinda hard to do this without some kind of help. All the cards are on the table here. I cant hold in the anger and pain so she just learns from me and hides it even better. Its a harsh reality that the only person I can talk to for so many years is using my willingness to be transparent and understanding against me and I keep waiting for her to come around but she does not. When we are together she seems so in love with me. This also makes it hard cause she has become so good at taking what we have for granted and being a fake. Its not like our sex life sucks. When its normal she has gotten up to 8 orgasms to my one. Dam, GPS here I come.