Found out wife has been having affair for 5 years.

[egfrank]

I've been married for 11 years, I found out last week my wife was sleeping with her boss for 5 years. I have had a suspicion the entire time, I confronted my wife about it several times and she made it out like I was being a crazy jealous husband. After finding out last week I decided I loved her and would take on the world to keep our marriage. She told me it was over and that she never knew I cared so much for her (a major fault on my behalf that she didn't realize this). We decided to start marriage counseling next week and have spent every night talking things over and I felt like we were taking the first steps to recover. I never once yelled at her, she was hurting and scared and my first reaction was to comfort her and let her know we would make things right.

 

Last night I checked her email and found that yesterday she emailed herself a picture of the two of them together at an event. She sent it to her other email as well, she placed the pictures in a sub folder and removed them from plane site in both emails. I confronted her about this and she said that she thought I would make her delete her pictures of the two of them together and wanted to keep the memory. The event was one of the biggest in her professional career. She works in a sport and the boss (the one she has been sleeping with) has been her mentor since she was 14, he is 26 years older than she is. It has taken all the strength I have within me to be by her side the past week and I feel like she slapped me in the face.

 

I don't know what to do, her boss owns the facility she practices in and she teaches over 20 students there...it is her life, all her friends are there but it is also attached to his house. She is good friends with his wife and often babysits his kids. She said she would be miserable without her sport (the only place within 50 miles of us that practices at her level). She said she would quit if I told her that is what it would take, but when I asked if she would resent me for it she said she doesn't know.

 

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I want our marriage to work with every fiber in my being, but I'm wondering if we both would be better off if I walked away.

 

I don't know where to turn and feel like I'm going to go nuts waiting until counselling next week.

[GSB81]

Sounds to me like you are making things to easy for her. She took a huge dump on your marriage and felt bad so you wanted to comfort her? Really!? She then hangs on to mementos of her infidelity? To hell with her sport. Put your foot down, you trusted her like a good little husband and look how she rewarded you. If I were you I'd give her the stipulation of staying away from her boss if she really wants to keep her marriage. There's a way you can keep her away if you want that might work. People here might disagree, but I'd let the old man's wife in on what happened. I doubt your wife would be practicing there after that.

[Furious]

I've been married for 11 years, I found out last week my wife was sleeping with her boss for 5 years. I have had a suspicion the entire time, I confronted my wife about it several times and she made it out like I was being a crazy jealous husband. After finding out last week I decided I loved her and would take on the world to keep our marriage. She told me it was over and that she never knew I cared so much for her (a major fault on my behalf that she didn't realize this). We decided to start marriage counseling next week and have spent every night talking things over and I felt like we were taking the first steps to recover. I never once yelled at her, she was hurting and scared and my first reaction was to comfort her and let her know we would make things right.

 

Last night I checked her email and found that yesterday she emailed herself a picture of the two of them together at an event. She sent it to her other email as well, she placed the pictures in a sub folder and removed them from plane

site in both emails. I confronted her about this and she said that she thought I would make her delete her pictures of the two of them together and wanted to keep the memory. The event was one of the biggest in her professional career. She works in a sport and the boss (the one she has been sleeping with) has been her mentor since she was 14, he is 26 years older than she is. It has taken all the strength I have within me to be by her side the past week and I feel like she slapped me in the face.

 

I don't know what to do, her boss owns the facility she practices in and she teaches over 20 students there...it is her life, all her friends are there but it is

also attached to his house. She is good friends with his wife and often babysits his kids. She said she would be miserable without her sport (the only place

within 50 miles of us that practices at her level). She said she would quit if I

told her that is what it would take, but when I asked if she would resent me for it she said she doesn't know.

 

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I want our marriage to work with every fiber in my being, but I'm wondering if we both would be better off if I walked away.

 

I don't know where to turn and feel like I'm going to go nuts waiting until counselling next week.

 

 

So sorry for the pain you're going through. Even though you suspected your wife and her boss were too close, the truth is like a punch in your gut.

 

You're in shock, and grasping to save your marriage. In essence you are giving your wife cheap forgiveness while behind your back she e-mails pictures of herself with the OM.

 

Marriage counseling, without complete honesty from your wife and willingness

to be transparent is a waste of time and money. There are many lousy marriage counsellors out there, are some do more harm than good. In my opinion, marriage counseling should only begin when everything is on the table

and you're satisfied that there is a marriage to save.

 

I would advise you to expose the affair to the other man's wife. She also deserves the truth. Secrecy is the key ingredient to an affair, exposure brings it out into the daylight.

 

At this point, you're better off in individual counseling, and it should be more

about saving yourself rather than saving the marriage. You should also be advised by a lawyer and gets your ducks in order, this will give you balance and assist you in feeling in more control of your destiny.

 

Your wife will never get it, until she accepts the consequences for her actions.

 

Keep posting, we are here for you.

[Steen719]

I've been married for 11 years, I found out last week my wife was sleeping with her boss for 5 years. I have had a suspicion the entire time, I confronted my wife about it several times and she made it out like I was being a crazy jealous husband. After finding out last week I decided I loved her and would take on the world to keep our marriage. She told me it was over and that she never knew I cared so much for her (a major fault on my behalf that she didn't realize this). We decided to start marriage counseling next week and have spent every night talking things over and I felt like we were taking the first steps to recover. I never once yelled at her, she was hurting and scared and my first reaction was to comfort her and let her know we would make things right.

 

Last night I checked her email and found that yesterday she emailed herself a picture of the two of them together at an event. She sent it to her other email as well, she placed the pictures in a sub folder and removed them from plane site in both emails. I confronted her about this and she said that she thought I would make her delete her pictures of the two of them together and wanted to keep the memory. The event was one of the biggest in her professional career. She works in a sport and the boss (the one she has been sleeping with) has been her mentor since she was 14, he is 26 years older than she is. It has taken all the strength I have within me to be by her side the past week and I feel like she slapped me in the face.

 

I don't know what to do, her boss owns the facility she practices in and she teaches over 20 students there...it is her life, all her friends are there but it is also attached to his house. She is good friends with his wife and often babysits his kids. She said she would be miserable without her sport (the only place within 50 miles of us that practices at her level). She said she would quit if I told her that is what it would take, but when I asked if she would resent me for it she said she doesn't know.

 

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I want our marriage to work with every fiber in my being, but I'm wondering if we both would be better off if I walked away.

 

I don't know where to turn and feel like I'm going to go nuts waiting until counselling next week.

 

Are you kidding me? She is good friends with his wife? She babysits the kids? Does this bother her? OMG! Tell his wife, I agree with GSB81. Your wife needs a reality check here. She has had a 5 year affair, you find out and decide to work on your marriage, she keeps pictures for the memories - I don't care why and you are afraid she will resent you?

 

You are enabling her to continue this affair or at the very least, you are not doing what you need to make sure it does not continue. 5 years is a very long time, almost 1/2 of your marriage. How did you find out? Did she come to you?

 

YOU should be her life, not the sports facility.

 

I think she is looking for you to say it is Ok if she eats the cake.

 

Tell this man's wife. He is a creep, doing this to his wife and allowing his mistress - your wife - to watch their children! Good God! Your wife and he seem to be made of the same cut.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you but you need to get your head out of the sand because you are in such deep denial:

1. She was having sex with her boss for 5 LONG years!!!!! (was it ever in your home?)

2. Your marriage was a farce and A lie for 5 LONG years!!!

3. She put your health at risk for 5 LONG years!!!!!

4. How many times did she have sex with her boss for 5 LONG years and then later had sex with you?

5. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so forgiving and accepting as you?

6. I am guess that she had sex with the boss for 5 LONG years because she knew if she ever got caught you would still beg to be with her so I guess she was correct.

7. She hides and keeps pictures of them together in a secret email account because she does not want to lost the memories. Unbelievable.

 

What you really need to do is:

1. Expose this to the OM's wife.

2. Get tested for STD's immediately.

3. Contact an attorney to understand your options.

4. Ask yourself why you would wish to remain married and love a woman who has degraded, humiliated and disrespected in the worst possible way for 5 long years? Seriously only a masochist would remain in such a relationship.

[Ladydrib]

I don't know what to do, her boss owns the facility she practices in and she teaches over 20 students there...it is her life, all her friends are there but it is also attached to his house. She is good friends with his wife and often babysits his kids. She said she would be miserable without her sport (the only place within 50 miles of us that practices at her level). She said she would quit if I told her that is what it would take, but when I asked if she would resent me for it she said she doesn't know.

 

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I want our marriage to work with every fiber in my being, but I'm wondering if we both would be better off if I walked away.

 

I don't know where to turn and feel like I'm going to go nuts waiting until counselling next week.

 

This was her decision. Don't give her the option of blaming you for any of the adverse effects that come out if it. Specifically I'm referring to where you asked her if she would be resentful towards you. This should not even be something you're concerned about. You need to make it clear that if she wants to keep you, she has to do whatever it takes to protect your marriage, and I can't imagine that her keeping her job will do anything positive for your marriage.

 

If I were you I would leave her. Why settle for this type of treatment? You're already suffering and in pain. Use this time to leave her and go through all the pain at once and then be done with it. You'll meet someone else one day who will appreciate you and treat you right. If you don't demand to be treated right, you will never be treated right. Don't settle.

[waterwoman]

Tell his wife.

[MsDecember]

So sorry for your pain. Trust me I know.

 

But for experience when they say it's OVER with their AP. It is likely not. My EX told me it was over and then I recovered emails with them talking so disgusting and nasty and making plans behind my back.

 

Do the best thing for yourself, but how much can you trust her? I let myself get hurt time and time again. At some point you decide that the pain in your heart and the constant let down and the fear of where they are and what they doing will be all you can take. Then that's when you throw in the towel or decide your worth more.

 

Your Worth more, keep repeating until you believe it

[egfrank]

Thank you to all who have replied!

 

I found out about their relationship by recovering old texts from her old phone. There were a TON deleted, but a few were inappropriate enough to push the issue. I told her if she didn't come clean I would take this to his doorstep and inform his wife. I promised I wouldn't if she confessed about what happened. Even though the messages were inappropriate, I felt he could have twisted them into being "just flirtatious" and convince his wife that they were harmless. I would have a lot of trouble going back on my word.

 

I agree I have been a bit to easy on her, the reason I didn't want to put my foot down immediately is because I didn't want to make her do something when I wasn't thinking clearly.

 

I understand I need to be more tough, it's been difficult because we have been together since we were kids.

[leigh66]

Now you have the evidence kick her out and move on, she is def not worth it

[Steen719]

Thank you to all who have replied!

 

I found out about their relationship by recovering old texts from her old phone. There were a TON deleted, but a few were inappropriate enough to push the issue. I told her if she didn't come clean I would take this to his doorstep and inform his wife. I promised I wouldn't if she confessed about what happened. Even though the messages were inappropriate, I felt he could have twisted them into being "just flirtatious" and convince his wife that they were harmless. I would have a lot of trouble going back on my word.

 

I agree I have been a bit to easy on her, the reason I didn't want to put my foot down immediately is because I didn't want to make her do something when I wasn't thinking clearly.

 

I understand I need to be more tough, it's been difficult because we have been together since we were kids.

 

Listen, I know you do not want to go back on your word, but this man has been cheating on his wife for 5 years and she most likely does not know it. Your wife was watching her kids - that would make me so mad, my kids when she is boinking my H? You seem like a nice guy and I know this must go against what you think you need to do, but you have to look at this from his wife's point of view. She has NO choice in this. 3 out of the 4 people know and she is in the dark. How is this fair? So you promised your wife? Two wrongs don't make a right, but sometimes you have to make an effort to put things right. Of course, it is your decision, but you surely can see where she deserves to know what a sleazeball she is married to. How do you know he hasn't done this to someone else or THAT HE MIGHT?

[Bryanp]

Again if the roles were reversed would your wife have accepted such degradation, humiliation and disrespect from you if you were with a lover for 5 years behind her back putting her health at risk for STD's? It is clear that your wife knows that you are a pushover and clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[Furious]

Thank you to all who have replied!

 

I found out about their relationship by recovering old texts from her old phone. There were a TON deleted, but a few were inappropriate enough to push the issue. I told her if she didn't come clean I would take this to his doorstep and inform his wife. I promised I wouldn't if she confessed about what happened. Even though the messages were inappropriate, I felt he could have twisted them into being "just flirtatious" and convince his wife that they were harmless. I would have a lot of trouble going back on my word.

 

I agree I have been a bit to easy on her, the reason I didn't want to put my foot down immediately is because I didn't want to make her do something when I wasn't thinking clearly.

 

I understand I need to be more tough, it's been difficult because we have been together since we were kids.

 

 

Play it smart, have a talk with your wife and secretly record the conversation, get her to talk in depth about the affair. Then take that, plus the messages you uncovered to the OM's wife.

 

Your wife did not keep her promise to you, and don't feel bad about not keeping your word that you wouldn't go to the OM's wife.

[2sunny]

Tell his wife - and exposé to all students at his training camp.

 

She needs severe consequences!

 

Being easier on her means she will just continue cheating.

 

Make her life miserable for being such a schmuck!!!

 

And stop being her doormat!

 

YOU need indivual cou selling to find out why you think you don't deserve better tha what crap she's handed you!

[road]

To promise under duress one can not be held to keep such a promise.

 

You are new to this and not have seen enough to know that your WW can never work with the OM forever.

 

Your WW must have NC with the OM.

 

To get NC you and your WW need to move far away from the OM as well.

 

OMW must be told. Talk about affair with WW and tape it. Then play copy for OMW.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you to all who have replied!

 

I found out about their relationship by recovering old texts from her old phone. There were a TON deleted, but a few were inappropriate enough to push the issue. I told her if she didn't come clean I would take this to his doorstep and inform his wife. I promised I wouldn't if she confessed about what happened. Even though the messages were inappropriate, I felt he could have twisted them into being "just flirtatious" and convince his wife that they were harmless. I would have a lot of trouble going back on my word.

 

No you wouldn't. You have every right to change your mind. Even more so if she doesn't end things with him and also if she breaks no contact with him. All bets are off. And, let her get pissed off! Hello, she is the one who cheated and betrayed you! If telling his wife helps the A totally end and keeps them away from one another, that's a good thing. Plus, I'm sure his wife would like to know the truth about her husband. If situation was reversed, wouldn't you want to know?? Give that some thought before you become "loyal to your word" about not telling just to keep your wife happy and not angry at you.

I agree I have been a bit to easy on her, the reason I didn't want to put my foot down immediately is because I didn't want to make her do something when I wasn't thinking clearly.

 

I understand I need to be more tough, it's been difficult because we have been together since we were kids.

 

Do something..Like what? Leave you? Do something impulsive?

 

Where is your anger. This woman you married is not the woman you see now. For FIVE years she's been cheating on you, basically living a double life.

 

She certainly has had no problem going ahead and doing as she pleases, not caring that you two have been together since you were kids. So, don't feel so 'obligated' as to not piss her off or upset her. Find your backbone and call it as it is.

 

Sorry to be harsh, I know you're hurting and i'm sorry that you are going through this, but if you don't lay down the ground rules now, she will (selfishly) manipulate you by crying and being very emotional, begging you with big crocodile tears - That's a sign of manipulation so she doesn't lose control.

[whichwayisup]

I felt he could have twisted them into being "just flirtatious" and convince his wife that they were harmless.

 

Nope. Not 5 years. Maybe and possibly if a few months in, but no way, not after so many years. This is a full on affair, and I'm betting his wife suspects but he's been pretty good and skilled at hiding and lying, pretending and manipulating to keep his wife (just like your wife has done to you for the past 5 years) from questioning him or wondering what is going on. I'm sure the red flags have been there but your wife has convinced you otherwise, plus knowing how much you love her and wouldn't doubt her, you trust her and all, she used you that kindness and trust you have in her against you so she could do as she pleased.

 

Get MAD. And do talk to close friends that you trust and family. Get support, do counseling to help you cope with all this.

 

Do you two have children?

[RickFox]

As someone who cheated, and was given a second chance, after reading this, I say, she needs to go. Wish her well with her newfound love....and shut the door.

[GSB81]

You have a golden opportunity here. This guy helped destroy your life as you know it, so now you need to return the favor. I repeat, tell his wife. She will hopefully divorce his sorry ass and ruin him financially. You will feel better.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

When your wife was 14, he was 40?

 

He has been her mentor since she was 14 and he was 40?

 

Now he is sleeping with her?

 

Do you have kids?

 

Your wife is about 30 now? He is about 56 now?

 

She is saving pictures secretly - keeping more secrets after lying to you over and over about the affair?

 

How will you know that she is not continuing the affair? Especially with her working practically in his house?

 

Why will 56-year-old man give up banging 30-year-old athlete?

 

When she found out you cared (bs on that, you were her husband, she knew you cared, even if you didn't tell her everyday), when you confronted about affair, what was her reaction? Immediately willing to throw other man aside for you, even though he likely was more of a husband to her than you were - he probably saw her more than you, talked to her more than you, shared deep feelings with her more than you, and had sex with her more than you - for five years - and both her and other man are just going to continue seeing each other every day but stop their relationship?

 

Please look at what you are posting and see how ridiculous it sounds.

[whichwayisup]

You have a golden opportunity here. This guy helped destroy your life as you know it, so now you need to return the favor. I repeat, tell his wife. She will hopefully divorce his sorry ass and ruin him financially. You will feel better.

 

Not the right frame of mind and intent to tell MM's wife the truth. To tell her is so she can make an informed decision about her marriage, giving her the truth so she can decide if her husband deserves a chance, just like egfranks wife. People deserve second chances if they truly are remorseful and ready to fix things and do all necessary to get the marriage back on track and regain trust again.

[GSB81]

Not the right frame of mind and intent to tell MM's wife the truth. To tell her is so she can make an informed decision about her marriage, giving her the truth so she can decide if her husband deserves a chance, just like egfranks wife. People deserve second chances if they truly are remorseful and ready to fix things and do all necessary to get the marriage back on track and regain trust again.

 

Two birds with one stone. Some guys would rush right over and beat the hell out of the other man. This is legal revenge and helps the guys poor wife.

[seibert253]

Affairs have consequences.

 

Listen, you need to lay down the law with her. Due to the closness and length of her A, she cannot just turn off her attachment with the OM.

So, if you are serious about saving your M, her days of having ANY contact with the OM are over. No more working with the OM, no more use of his facility, nothing..

Again, A's have consequences.

If she continues ANY contact with the OM, your M will not heal.

 

BTW; best way to insure an A ends and stays ended is to inform the other BS. She needs to know so she can make her own decision about her M.

A's have consequences. Yes she's going to be pissed. She can either get over it, or get D'd.

[Mr. Lucky]

When your wife was 14, he was 40?

 

He has been her mentor since she was 14 and he was 40?

 

Now he is sleeping with her?

 

Do you have kids?

 

Your wife is about 30 now? He is about 56 now?

 

She is saving pictures secretly - keeping more secrets after lying to you over and over about the affair?

 

How will you know that she is not continuing the affair? Especially with her working practically in his house?

 

Why will 56-year-old man give up banging 30-year-old athlete?

 

When she found out you cared (bs on that, you were her husband, she knew you cared, even if you didn't tell her everyday), when you confronted about affair, what was her reaction? Immediately willing to throw other man aside for you, even though he likely was more of a husband to her than you were - he probably saw her more than you, talked to her more than you, shared deep feelings with her more than you, and had sex with her more than you - for five years - and both her and other man are just going to continue seeing each other every day but stop their relationship?

 

Please look at what you are posting and see how ridiculous it sounds.

 

If the op really wants to blow his wife's mind, ask her what are the chances she was the only one of her OM's accolytes that he was sleeping with? I'll bet she was one of many and the unfortunate OP has been mixing DNA with all of them for the last 5 years...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tenacity]

Tell his wife - and exposé to all students at his training camp.

 

I agree to tell his W (but I don't for a second think this woman is in the dark regarding what is going on, as everyone else seems to think.... Unless she has been living in a vacuum for the last 20 or so years) but I completely disagree with the second part. Tell his clients/students? They have absolutely NOTHING to do with any personal relationships related to any of this. Shall we put up billboards too, and perhaps go door-to-door and maybe put a big ad in the town newspaper? I get that betrayed spouses are mad and bitter, but let's be rational.

 

You (original poster) need to grow a set and man up. Your wife had zero respect for you and I can guarantee you she has less now. You have shown her in no uncertain terms that she can treat you like garbage and you will just roll over and take it... oh, and you will comfort her, too! Good grief. She already knew you were a doormat... you just reaffirmed it to her.

 

You would have stood a chance to keep her if you would have laid down the law and left the house, and told her she needed to stop ALL this nonsense and make a full commitment to the marriage before ever contacting you again. Then you would have gotten some respect and her eyes would have been wide open in surprise. No matter though, because you don't want her anyway.... she isn't worth it.

 

Find someone who will love and respect you but BEFORE you do that, learn to love and respect yourself. Or no one else will either.