tornandconfused12 Posted November 23, 2012 Share Posted November 23, 2012 I'll try to keep this short. My dad and I had been estranged for about 1.5 years prior to his unexpected death around a year ago. His parents and siblings are alive and well with the exception of my grandfather who is now struggling with dementia following a series of strokes shortly after my dad died. I was not estranged from the rest of the family but I've not been particularly close to my dad's siblings since I was a kid (I'm in my 40's now). My parents went through a very ugly divorce in the mid-70's which changed the course of things with dad's family as it pertains to me. When my dad died I took care of everything, financially and otherwise, with the hospitalization and his subsequent death. This included signing to shut down life support, the funeral expenses, and his extremely problematic estate. My dad and I did not have a great relationship but I did/do love him and would have done no less than the right thing, and could afford to do so. Since then my "relationship" with his family has largely gone downhill, particularly with two of dad's younger siblings (one brother and his only sister). I have struggled a great deal with grief and depression and have been seeing a therapist. In the meantime, I am no longer invited to family events and get-togethers. This is stemming from an event I had been invited to earlier this year but missed due to falling asleep and not waking up in time. Admittedly, that does sound sort of lame but in the middle of this depression I was extremely physically tired and emotionally exhausted. My grandparents are now living with the aunt who says I "stood her up" for the family event I was invited to. I would like to see my grandpa even though he probably won't remember me. I have a decent to good relationship with my grandma and visiting would not be a problem with her. In fact she keeps asking me to come by. Selfishly, I don't want to see my aunt and not so selfishly, don't want to see her husband whatsoever (a whole other ugly story related to my dad's estate), but it's their house and I'm sure the feelings are mutual at this point (my family were the only ones not invited to Thanksgiving and have been told already about Christmas, as in not to come). I will not ask my grandma to take grandpa from the house to visit me because of his mental and physical condition. I'm also afraid of being "triggered" as I tend to get depressed after seeing the family, it's like I take 10 steps back in recovering from grief over my dad's death. They also tend to pick at me about things such as my weight (it varies) or my struggle with depression/grief - I should just be over it. I want to see my grandfather but I don't want it to turn into a circus and stress him out. I also don't want to be stressed out because of interacting with these people, specifically my aunt and her husband. To me visiting just sounds like it could turn into a lose-lose all the way around but I do care for my grandpa and he has always been a good person, to me and everyone else. That aside, he isn't going to know who I am if I visit - he doesn't know who his wife and daughter are at this point. I want to show support and I do want to see my grandpa but in the least stressful situation possible - for him and admittedly myself. All I've been doing lately is ignoring the situation and the guilt is catching up with me. Just bite the bullet and go or is that being too selfish? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 23, 2012 Share Posted November 23, 2012 Why don't you take your grandpa and grandma to lunch one day soon before Christmas, just the three of you? People often wait to express how they feel about loved ones on holidays alone. Any day is a good day to spend with those you love. The date on the calendar should not dictate that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornandconfused12 Posted November 23, 2012 Author Share Posted November 23, 2012 Why don't you take your grandpa and grandma to lunch one day soon before Christmas, just the three of you? People often wait to express how they feel about loved ones on holidays alone. Any day is a good day to spend with those you love. The date on the calendar should not dictate that. Taking the grandparents out isn't an option due to my grandfather's condition. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 23, 2012 Share Posted November 23, 2012 Taking the grandparents out isn't an option due to my grandfather's condition. Could you order lunch and bring it there to spend some time with them? Holidays are hectic and you'd have a lot more quality time if you can keep it a visit with just you and them. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. XO Link to post Share on other sites
Author tornandconfused12 Posted November 23, 2012 Author Share Posted November 23, 2012 Could you order lunch and bring it there to spend some time with them? Holidays are hectic and you'd have a lot more quality time if you can keep it a visit with just you and them. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. XO Thanks, and yes, this is a good idea. Hadn't thought of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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