In love with another man

[wtcatmwp]

I hope I am able to verbalize my feelings enough to paint a clear picture of what I really feel.

 

I’m in my mid 30’s and came out of a bad relationship a little over 7 years ago. Since then I have developed an intense attraction to a wonderful man. He is strong, supportive, caring, he has everything I could possibly want. He was there for me during the messy break-up, he has been my protector and to a large extent my savior. He has been there when I needed him ever since. He is a good listener and believe me I have had plenty of issue that I have chewed his ear over. I feel I can trust him with anything, seeing him makes me happy.

 

The problem is that he is married. In fact he is my next door neighbor. Our relationship is no secret, everyone thinks we are just great friends, sort of like a brother and sister and that is exactly as it stands at the moment even though I desperately want more. I am also friendly with his wife but we are nowhere near as close as him and I. For the record, we have never done anything apart from one night years ago when a goodbye kiss lasted a little longer than it should have. He apologized the next day and promised it wouldn’t happen again. I told him I didn’t mind at all and quite enjoyed it but he just laughed it off. I gave him the opening hoping he would take it but he never did so I assumed there was no interest there.

 

Now here’s the problem. He has been having real issues with his wife (she has been caught having an affair for the past 6 months). He has been seeking my support I have no problem offering it as he was there for me and helped me through my rough patch. The trouble is I don’t want to help him work his marriage out, I secretly hope they split because I want to see if him and I can take our relationship further.

 

He has told me how wonderful I am and how he enjoys spending time with me and he wishes he met me before her etc etc. In fact it’s surprising that we have never taken things further until you realize that he take his marriage vows seriously.

 

So do I be selfish and sabotage their relationship in order to give us a chance? Do I just play the dutiful friend and give him all the right advice and in the process possibly lose what I believe is my one true love? What I probably should do is talk to him about my feelings but if after that he does end up back with his wife I am scared that I will lose him as a friend as well.

 

He is the only person I have thought about being with for many years, we are a perfect match for each other, I love him with everything I am, I believe he has deep feelings for me but suppresses them because he is loyal to his marriage vows.

 

What do I do? Do I pursue him for myself and damn the consequences. I want to be happy, I believe he is the one to make me happy. Or do I suppress my feelings and help him sort through his issues and get back with his wife which is what he says he is working towards. I just don’t feel that she deserves him anymore.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[browniecalgary]

You have said he mentioned that he likes your company and regrets not meeting you earlier. Well, I would say the likeness is mutual and he is not happy with the company of his wife obviously. Also you are in mid 30s and since the attraction is for quite a while it is not an infatuation, I guess.

 

I think matters of heart are not meant for suppression and if you continue suppressing your feelings all that will happen is the attraction will only grow. Since you are neighbors the long goodbye kisses could get more often and that could get even messier.

 

One option could be to talk to him openly and ask if he is willing to take the journey with you. If not, and second option, is to find someone else and keep yourself 'engaged'.

[wtcatmwp]

Since you are neighbors the long goodbye kisses could get more often and that could get even messier.

 

That is not really a concern. I have no intention of taking things further with him while he is still in a relationship with her. I mean it's not that I don't want it, it's just that I wont do that. Once he and her a finished then I will pursue him with a passion.

 

One option could be to talk to him openly and ask if he is willing to take the journey with you. If not, and second option, is to find someone else and keep yourself 'engaged'.

 

I would love to talk to him but I don't want to be the 'other woman', the one he left his wife for. If they split then he is fair game but otherwise I need to steer clear. That is why I am having the dilemma as to whether I should help him with what he wants which is to try and save his marriage. Quite obviously I want the marriage to fail now that she has betrayed him but am I doing the wrong thing by him by not honoring his wishes of trying to save it?

 

Also, if I do share these feelings and then he does save his marriage he and I can never be the same with him knowing my true feeling towards him.

[2sunny]

He's NOT a perfec match for you - because he is MARRIED!

 

He needs a counselors help - for his M - not a neighbor who intends to break up the dynamics further.

 

And MOVE - so YOU can move forward with your future by letting go of your delusions with this married man who wants and intends to work things out with his cheating wife!

[2sure]

You have left the door open and if he wants to be with you, he will have to figure that out. Given the circumstances in his marriage right now however...for you to make an advance...might backfire.

 

Certainly, he is vulnerable and open to suggestion. That he may regret. Soon.

 

If he thinks marriage is sacred, and his wife awful for cheating...he might think the same of you , or be insulted that you think he would cheat.

 

Or, you could have an affair while they reconcile...his wife and neighbors find out...they stay married and you...have a new title.

 

Or he will leave his wife, move away, and ...see what happens with you.

 

Just think about the risks and possibilities and do what's best.

[whichwayisup]

remember, what goes around comes around and bites back 100 times harder.

 

If you truly love and care about him, want the best for him, you will support him and do not make a move on him, don't manipulate him, don't sabotage his marriage and wife. He helped you through your troubles, respectfully, so you owe him that same respect. Hide your feelings, suck it up and just chill out.

 

He isn't yours. Don't make a move on him... I believe if you do that, you'll lose "you" and regret it. Plus, chances are how he feels about vows and commitment, if you make a move on him he'll feel like you're taking advantage of him during his worst low in his life being vunerable and all.

 

If you care, be a friend and let him decide without your influence on his marriage and what to do with his wife. Stay out of that.

[2sunny]

It's just really crappy the way you are participating in THEIR marriage!

[wtcatmwp]

chances are how he feels about vows and commitment, if you make a move on him he'll feel like you're taking advantage of him during his worst low in his life being vunerable and all.

 

mmmm, nicely put. Very thought provoking. Thank you.

 

Your words sound very wise.

 

Let me ask though, as a friend to anyone else in the same situation as he finds himself in, if I was asked for advice/opinion I would say marriage over, move on. Whether that advice is right, wrong or indifferent is another story but it is what I would say. Are you saying that when he asks my opinion that I should not say what I would always say?

 

I realise I could decline to get involved and tell him that but he wont believe that for a second. If I don't offer an opinion he will know something is wrong. But if I tell the truth (break up) it's wrong because of my feelings towards him? And if I say stay together it's a lie.

 

He is over for dinner tomorrow night and he WILL ask. I truly want to do what is right but I truly believe she has destroyed the marriage and he should get out. Obviously, or rather hopefully, that will benefit me but that is not the only reason I would be suggesting it.

 

I think at this stage I need to say as little as possible and just listen. When/if he talks about resurrecting the marriage though it will be hard not to say what is my normal reaction (move on) and doubly hard due to my feelings.

 

I guess he needs to leave her by himself and then find me by himself. I thought a push in the right direction may have been ok but the consensus seems to be that is not the way to go.

 

Sorry if this post jumped around a bit, I was typing as I was thinking it through.

[wtcatmwp]

If his wife already just had an affair she will be willing to let him bang you to even the score.

 

Obviously if she's cheating on him she really doesn't care about him but she will automatically be competitive with you.

 

If the three of you can be open minded about it why not suggest a threesome?

 

Could be good fun, I'm sure your neighbor could imagine far worse things than his wife and his cute neighbor taking turns bobbing for apples in his lap.

 

Are you for real?

 

Whether or not his wife is open to threesomes and what not is none of my concern. I have no interest in his wife whatsoever. We were friends, well more acquaintances, but I can't see that continuing any longer.

[wtcatmwp]

Well we had dinner last night and I tried my best to be a good girl and follow the advice.

 

As expected we spoke at length about his wife (well he spoke, I listened). He asked my advice and I did what was suggested by many here and told him I'd rather not get involved (it was tough but I did it).

 

Any chance they had of saving the marriage is gone if his words were true. The affair was with an ex of hers but the worst part is they were seeing other people while posing as a couple.

 

I told him I cared deeply for him as a friend and suggested we forget the wife talk and talk happy talk. We talked for hours about places we'd been, things we'd done, not just us but with his wife, as an extended group etc.

 

He asked to stay the night but I told him it wasn't appropriate and called him a taxi (he had too much drink to drive). As he was leaving he tried to kiss me but I resisted and told him once he sorts out the mess with his wife if he is still interested I will be here.

 

He texted me today to thank me for a great night and laid bare his feelings for me. I told him he is going through an emotional time and to reassess his feelings once his life is sorted.

 

It really was the hardest thing I have done, turning away and saying no to this man. I really hope I haven't given him the wrong impression and scared him away. All I kept thinking was the phrase - If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours.

 

Oh god, I really hope he comes back.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I agree with Duck, but I'm glad you resisted the temptation. Things could have gone a LOT worse. I think you've kept yourself respectable, and he probably knew what you meant by "sort this mess out". (you meant divorce right?)

 

Wait, why were you having a private dinner with him?

Edited November 26, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[wtcatmwp]

he probably knew what you meant by "sort this mess out". (you meant divorce right?)

 

Well to be honest I don't really care if they are actually divorced as long as they are separated and finished with each other. Obviously divorce would be the next step but I don't think I need to wait until the divorce is finalised.

 

I spoke to her over our fence today and she said it was over. She said she is addicted to her new lifestyle and has no plans to stop. I guess that means there is no chance of saving the marriage so effectively they are separated and finished right now.

 

why were you having a private dinner with him?

 

It's not as bad as it sounds. The last Sunday of every month he has dinner with his friends and she with hers. That has been going on for years. It just so happens that this weekend it was with me. It is no secret, it has happened many times before with the full knowledge of his wife. It is after all just two friends having a meal. And she also has dinner with just her male friends so it's all above boards there.

[wtcatmwp]

How hard can it be to set the boundary of not going out on dinner dates with married men?

?

 

It wasn't a dinner date it was just dinner.

 

Are you saying two friends (of the opposite sex) can't have a meal together if one of them happens to be married? That sounds very distrustful of your partner.

[2sunny]

Well to be honest I don't really care if they are actually divorced as long as they are separated and finished with each other. Obviously divorce would be the next step but I don't think I need to wait until the divorce is finalised.

 

I spoke to her over our fence today and she said it was over. She said she is addicted to her new lifestyle and has no plans to stop. I guess that means there is no chance of saving the marriage so effectively they are separated and finished right now.

 

 

 

It's not as bad as it sounds. The last Sunday of every month he has dinner with his friends and she with hers. That has been going on for years. It just so happens that this weekend it was with me. It is no secret, it has happened many times before with the full knowledge of his wife. It is after all just two friends having a meal. And she also has dinner with just her male friends so it's all above boards there.

 

Since he's still so focused on talking about his wife - he's not likely to be EMOTIONALLY healthy and available for a long time - and only if he seeks professional help for the pain she's causing him.

 

He's got a lot of work to do on himself.

 

 

It wasn't a dinner date it was just dinner.

 

Are you saying two friends (of the opposite sex) can't have a meal together if one of them happens to be married? That sounds very distrustful of your partner.

 

Well it left plenty of room for his wife to cheat and for you to develop feelings for this MM, no?

[LittleTiger]

Well to be honest I don't really care if they are actually divorced as long as they are separated and finished with each other. Obviously divorce would be the next step but I don't think I need to wait until the divorce is finalised.

 

I spoke to her over our fence today and she said it was over. She said she is addicted to her new lifestyle and has no plans to stop. I guess that means there is no chance of saving the marriage so effectively they are separated and finished right now.

 

What was it DuckSoup said? "She will rationalise it one way or another!"

 

Nicely done wtcatmwp! I guess you'll be making your relationship public then?

 

Rationalise it whatever way you like, this guy is MARRIED!!! That means he isn't yours and you are getting in the way of them sorting this out, which they may still do.

 

I'm not one who believes you have to wait for the ink to dry on the divorce papers before starting over but, they still live together, sleep together, and very likely still have sex. At this point they are still a couple - it just so happens they are both having affairs - and you are one of the affair partners.

 

You would be wise to open your eyes and see this relationship for what it actually is. Get on with your life and let them sort out theirs.

[wtcatmwp]

they still live together, sleep together

 

No they do not

 

very likely still have sex

 

No they do not

 

At this point they are still a couple

 

By admission from both sides they are not

[LittleTiger]

No they do not

 

No they do not

 

By admission from both sides they are not

 

Oh? Well, you're good to go then!

 

I am not usually so sarcastic but, seriously, you are walking blindfolded into a minefield!

 

Hope it works out for all four of you.

[AllieKat]

Only thing I will say!! HES MARRIED!!! Have some self respect and back off

[LadyGrey]

You have inserted yourself right in the middle of their drama and now you are telling yourself, you've backed out enough but you haven't. The only way to be smart and protect yourself is to not be his friend, not be anything to him.

 

You've set yourself up for a world of hurt by getting involved in someone's mess. You are much too close to be rational and objective and protect yourself. He might not even mean to do it, but you are going to be used and hurt.........he is not available or good for anything until he divorces and gives himself time to heal. You are risking way too much but sadly you can't see it.

 

Men who are into separation drama, are not relationship material. He is still married.

[standtall]

Are you saying two friends (of the opposite sex) can't have a meal together if one of them happens to be married?

 

No they cannot..it is inappropriate and very disrespectful... something that you are showing to this man's wife..disrespect. Committed married men do not have dinner..one on one with another woman that is not a relative..period.

[wtcatmwp]

Only thing I will say!! HES MARRIED!!! Have some self respect and back off

 

Oh come on, seriously.

 

Yes he is married by legal definition but not by any other way you would describe a marriage.

 

Marriage means the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others. Does this apply to them? No

 

Do they live together? No

 

Do they sleep together? No

 

Are they planning a future together? No

 

For all intents and purposes the marriage is over.

 

Heck, I know people that have been separated for over 20 years but never got a divorce. They are still married. Are you saying that other people should not date them because they are still married?

 

The only difference in this case is the shorter time frame.

[wtcatmwp]

Committed married men do not have dinner..one on one with another woman that is not a relative..period.

 

WOW, just wow.

 

So you cannot have dinner with someone of the opposite sex and still be committed to your partner?

 

Dinner = uncommitted.... that's a new one.

 

For the record, we have had dinner many times. NOTHING has ever happened. NOTHING would ever happen if he was still with his wife. We are just two friends sharing a meal that happen to be of the opposite sex.

 

What year are we living in if husbands can only have male friends and wives only female friends?

[2sunny]

WOW, just wow.

 

So you cannot have dinner with someone of the opposite sex and still be committed to your partner?

 

Dinner = uncommitted.... that's a new one.

 

For the record, we have had dinner many times. NOTHING has ever happened. NOTHING would ever happen if he was still with his wife. We are just two friends sharing a meal that happen to be of the opposite sex.

 

What year are we living in if husbands can only have male friends and wives only female friends?

 

You developed feelings for him. His W developed feelings for another man too.

 

Whether or not it was at this "friendly dinner" gathering you refer to is beside the point!

 

Yes, people can be friends - but that means knowing where a solid, healthy boundary is and respecting it to continue the friendship!

 

You describe a romantic interest. And all parties in this scenario wouldn't qualify as "only friends" - so stop intermingling the two! You aren't trying to be his friend - you're trying to be his lover.

[wtcatmwp]

You developed feelings for him. His W developed feelings for another man too.

 

Sure. Totally independent to any dinners though.

 

Whether or not it was at this "friendly dinner" gathering you refer to is beside the point!

 

It is exactly the point. You are saying people of the opposite sex, where one or both are married, should not share a meal. It is exactly the point.

 

Yes, people can be friends - but that means knowing where a solid, healthy boundary is and respecting it to continue the friendship!

 

Well I guess your boundaries are a lot narrower than others. You must keep a short leash

 

You aren't trying to be his friend - you're trying to be his lover.

 

Yes, now that he is no longer with his wife that is true. Never before that time.

[standtall]

What's the problem here Wt? Are the married posters here not telling you what you want to hear? You seem to have convinced yourself your right in doing what your doing no matter what other people point out, so what was the point of bringing up the thread?

 

You asked

 

What do I do? Do I pursue him for myself and damn the consequences

 

And posters here, to summarize, are telling you no..you're engaging in home wrecking behavior, but you don't want to hear it.

 

You said it yourself

 

The problem is that he is married.

 

So, what more do you need to see or hear? Do you just want posters here to validate you and tell you to go for it? Well, guess what, there is a whole chorus of opinions here, and it appears that the majority don't agree with your take. You know the old adage..if you don't want to hear the answer, then don't ask....you get it.

 

As far as this part

 

WOW, just wow.

 

So you cannot have dinner with someone of the opposite sex and still be committed to your partner?

 

Dinner = uncommitted.... that's a new one.

 

For the record, we have had dinner many times. NOTHING has ever happened. NOTHING would ever happen if he was still with his wife. We are just two friends sharing a meal that happen to be of the opposite sex.

 

What year are we living in if husbands can only have male friends and wives only female friends?

 

Wow all you want, but from a committed married man's point of view, it is my take. ..no you cannot have dinner dates as a single woman with a married man...because as 2 sunny pointed out..you've fallen in love with him and are pursuing a romantic interest..an emotional affair..which to his wife is worse than a PA..a fact that everyone here is trying to point out to you. Your dinner dates ain't so innocent now are they?

Edited November 28, 2012 by standtall