Meeting dad's new girlfriend

[Ingenue]

My mother died last year and I’m slowly going through the grieving process, though not at the speed that most would like me to. I shoulder a lot of guilt over her death because I think I could have prevented it if I had done X, Y and Z in the hospital. On a rational basis, I know that I am not a doctor and I can’t blame myself for not knowing. On an irrational basis, I see my inaction as directly causing my mother’s death and I replay the moment in the hospital over and over again. So grieving needless to say has been exceptionally slow. I still get very upset over thinking about it. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to state that I can’t think about my mother without invoking my guilt and crying.

 

My father started dating within a few months of my mother’s death. He informed me the other day that he invited the new girlfriend for a week over Christmas holidays and that he’s hosting a dinner and would very much like me to meet her.

 

Holidays are difficult adjustment times for me. The first mother’s day, the first birthday, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas have been difficult.

 

I know that mentally and emotionally I am simply not in a good space to meet a girlfriend of my father’s. I’m not prepared to see him with another woman. But my father is incredibly insistent that I meet her because it would offend her if I didn’t meet her. I don’t want to alienate my father. I’ve never told him he can’t date this woman, as he is his own adult. He makes his own choices. He dates whomever he wants to date. I do want my father happy. Admittedly, I do not like this woman since she started phoning my dad everyday and making moves on him even before my mother’s funeral. She has been insistent that she wants to meet me since 2 months after my mom’s death. It’s only now that she’s in town.

 

How do I get out of meeting her without alienating my father? If I meet her, I will end up taking 10 steps back in my grieving process, which is already not very advanced. My dad thinks that everything is okay because mom died last year and “life goes on”. He’s not a particularly sensitive soul, but more of the “ carry on with a stiff upper lip” type. But we all grieve at a different speed and while he has finished grieving my mom’s passing, I have not. He doesn’t seem to understand that.

 

I’d appreciate any advice on this. I just don’t know what to do. Do I just suck it up and see her? And if not, how do I get out of it without alienating him?

[whichwayisup]

Who cares about her feelings. She is a grown woman and should understand the circumstances and your father has no right to force you, pressure into meeting her just so she won't feel weird, left out or uncomfortable. You do what you feel is right...Don't go to appease him! Life doesn't work that way. He's acting selfish and putting himself and his new girlfriend first above what is best for his own child. That's just not right. Timing is really bad and I DO hope she isn't pressuring him either!!

 

I am so sorry for your loss. Firsts are really hard, I remember we all took off to Florida for the first Christmas as nobody wanted to be at home.

 

I hope too, that you go to grief counseling to help you cope with this loss and also so you can forgive yourself. This isn't your fault, and it really pains me to read that you blame yourself for your mom dying. That guilt, that I should have done this, done that will eat you up, so please - Do counseling.

[whichwayisup]

Admittedly, I do not like this woman since she started phoning my dad everyday and making moves on him even before my mother’s funeral. She has been insistent that she wants to meet me since 2 months after my mom’s death. It’s only now that she’s in town.

 

This is disgusting behaviour.

 

Sorry to suggest this, and maybe it's possible this passed through your mind too.. Was your father having an affair with this woman? She just seems too cozy and involved for them to just got together so soon after your mom passing away.

 

Ahh, yes, she is being pushy.

 

Look not too sure how old you are, seems like you are not a teen but a young adult, so I say, do what you need to do about this. Don't meet her. You are not obligated to and if your dad gets mad/upset so be it. That's HIS issue and he has no right to force her into your life, force you into meeting her. This all has to be on YOUR terms, not his and most definately not on HER terms. I'm actually angry for you! Makes me wanna call and yell at your dad for being selfish and not thinking of how hard it'll be for you!

[Ingenue]

whichwayisup, I'm quite certain that dad was faithful to mom until the day she died. The girlfriend has just been very persistent. She's a friend of his sister and together the girlfriend and sister have been ganging up and pushing for the relationship. Within two weeks of my mom dying, the sister was asking my father to run errands for this woman. So in some senses, his sister has been facilitating things and pushing things. My dad's family were all pushing the relationship too from the beginning.

 

I'm not that young either. But this seems to be a rather touchy situation. I don't want to alienate my dad, but I also have no interest in meeting this woman. If I choose not to go, when all of his family attends this dinner, I'm sure he'll be quite angry/disappointed.

 

I just am surprised that there was no consultation with me about bringing her around Christmas. Admittedly, I'm a very sentimental person and it does take me much longer to get over anything, not just death. I'm not that expressive a person and I don't tend to share what I'm feeling with my father. So outwardly I do appear fine. I've not given him any physical indication that I'm to the contrary, except in little things like not being able to go through my mom's clothes to donate them, and insisting that her things not be thrown out.

 

I just don't want to be selfish. If she becomes a permanent fixture in his life, I have to meet her eventually.

[whichwayisup]

Of course in time you'll meet her, but when you are ready. They all have to understand this.

 

I think men tend to not want to be alone and (not all of course) tend to get involved within 2 years..Many women are the opposite. I know my mom wanted and needed to be independant for a while before dating. And of course too, she was far from ready emotionally as my parents were together for many many years.They'd still be married if my father was still alive.

 

I know it would have been really hard for me if she had gone out and started a relationship so soon and forced me to meet her new beau. No way. You do what is right for you. Your father is a grown man and needs to respect your feelings. Talk to him and try to get him to understand where you're coming from. How hard it is for you.

 

You let him know when you're ready to meet her. Just not at Christmas!

[Lois]

I'm so very sorry for your loss, darling.

 

Could you write dad a letter and explain exactly how you feel? Seems to me, if you tend not to share your feelings it would be impossible for him to know how difficult this is for you. It might be time for him to find out.

 

If you are not ready to meet Pushy, then you should not. Too bad if she's offended.

 

(And I understand about not wanting to go through your mum's clothes. It's been 19 years since my mum passed and ... well, I'll do it one day, I swear I will.)

Edited November 24, 2012 by Lois

[Ingenue]

whichwayisup - I think you're right men don't want to be alone. It takes me longer to grieve the end of a relationship and just be in the mental headspace to want to date another person.

 

I just would have thought that he'd pick up the small cues I was putting out. My dogged determination not to go through mom's clothes, breaking down in tears the last time we went to see her. I spent 4 months straight scanning her old photos so I'd have digital copies of them. To me, that doesn't seem very adjusted.

 

My dad has made peace with her death partly because he thinks she went peacefully. His back was turned when mom died. But I was there and watched it unfold and didn't do enough. I had to tell the nurses that mom was coding. They were all too busy chatting with one another to pay attention. So that just keeps on replaying in my head. If I had just been more aggressive, or recognized the signs earlier - it probably would have made a difference.

 

Lois - Your nickname of my dad's girlfriend is much more kind than the one I've given her. I think I just need to sit down and be honest. When he told me she was coming, I just told him I didn't want to go but never explained why I didn't want to go. A big part of it is that I'm simply not ready. Another part is that I am not that impressed with Pushy's actions since mom's death. I know people grieve at different stages and maybe dad was finished grieving mom's passing before she actually died. But to me, I can't get over that Pushy had so little respect that she started calling my dad before mom's funeral. I know I'm making a judgement about her and I know very little about her, but it just seems that she's lacking in some sort of moral code/compassion. I can't help but think what woman would insist to meet her boyfriend's daughter two months after her mom's death, but hang up on her every time she picks up the phone. My dad told me that the girlfriend was "joking" about marriage within 3 months. I honestly don't think very highly of her character.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one that has problems with the clothing. In fact, it took me ages to just even move mom's last outfit from her chair. Dad kept on pushing and pushing and finally after 6 months I moved it, begrudgingly. I still occasionally take it out and smell her shirt. It's so stupid.

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup - I think you're right men don't want to be alone. It takes me longer to grieve the end of a relationship and just be in the mental headspace to want to date another person.

My siblings and I believe that if it was my mom who passed away, my dad would have more than likely have met someone within a year or so. It happened when my Aunt died, her husband (my uncle, not blood uncle obviousy ) met and married someone else within a year. As (some)men get older (50s etc) they're so used to having a routine and someone look after them, they can't be alone.

 

 

My dad has made peace with her death partly because he thinks she went peacefully. His back was turned when mom died. But I was there and watched it unfold and didn't do enough. I had to tell the nurses that mom was coding. They were all too busy chatting with one another to pay attention. So that just keeps on replaying in my head. If I had just been more aggressive, or recognized the signs earlier - it probably would have made a difference.

 

Even if they had intervined, that just would have prolonged it ... I take it she was unwell to begin with? You need to stop blaming yourself for her death. You did all that you could and a lot was out of your hands anyway. Please do seek grief counseling or some type of therapy to help you make peace with this. Hugs...

[darkmoon]

your dad should be made aware that you are too old to assume the position of obedient child, and see if he can handle it which he's going to have to sooner or later, you're an adult, childhood years behind you now

 

is he expecting you to play at party-girl when you are in mourning? cuz that's impossible, doing two things at once

 

((hugs))

 

a sympathetic counselling blog here

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/bereavement.html

Edited November 24, 2012 by darkmoon

[pink_sugar]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Explain to your dad exactly how you feel. It's only been a year since your mother's death and you aren't ready to see him with someone else yet. How long have they been dating? I don't think it's really necessary right now unless they are very serious. The loss of a parent can take at least a few years to accept and move forward. My husband still got sad when talking about his father until maybe 6 or 7 years after his death (his dad died suddenly when he was 16).

 

My dad is shoving his new girlfriend down my throat as well. I've only met her twice and he's already shouting in front of her for me to give her a hug goodbye when I leave. Don't get me wrong, I think she's very nice, but I've only met her twice, so I don't think that type of affection that you'd give another family member is quite appropriate yet. I'm not sure if this could be the case for you, but my dad has been adamant about finding me a "new mom" with every woman he's been with. I have a mom, even if she only raised me until I was 8. I'm almost 24 now and I don't need another "mommy figure". How old are you? Do you think it's possible your dad could have this mindset?

[Lois]

.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one that has problems with the clothing. In fact, it took me ages to just even move mom's last outfit from her chair. Dad kept on pushing and pushing and finally after 6 months I moved it, begrudgingly. I still occasionally take it out and smell her shirt. It's so stupid.

 

It's not stupid, darling, it's love.

 

Take your time grieving and honour your feelings - and your beloved mum's memory - in whatever way feels right for you.

[Ingenue]

My siblings and I believe that if it was my mom who passed away, my dad would have more than likely have met someone within a year or so. It happened when my Aunt died, her husband (my uncle, not blood uncle obviousy ) met and married someone else within a year. As (some)men get older (50s etc) they're so used to having a routine and someone look after them, they can't be alone.

 

I was reading some online statistics (not sure how accurate those are), but apparently widowers do marry quicker than widows. I think if my dad had died before my mom, she wouldn't have started dating again so quickly. But again, it's hard to envision myself in that scenario. I'm not a grieving spouse and who knows how I'd respond to the loss of a loved one in death. As for my mom, she was unwell for a period before her death. The entire family took turns being her caregiver, but my dad was the primary. I've tried to rationalize that had she not died that day, she might have lasted another month or two or three or eight. I keep on telling myself that her quality of life wouldn't have been good. In the beginning, I contemplated going after the hospital because there were so many mistakes they made. I let it go. I have been to group counselling but haven't found it that useful to be honest. But I might try the individual

 

is he expecting you to play at party-girl when you are in mourning? cuz that's impossible, doing two things at once

 

I don't think he wants me to be party-girl. That would be terrible. The party he's organizing is away from the home with all of his family and friends. It feels a bit like a coming-out cotillion party as in, "here's my girlfriend, let's all give her a round of applause". You're right that he shouldn't expect me to be an obedient child. At the same time, I don't want to alienate him. In some ways I feel I need to be strategic because this woman seems quite manipulative. When my mom was alive, my dad would never plan something without asking us first. But this one he just said, "she's coming, I want you to meet her". I wonder how much is her and how much is him.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. Explain to your dad exactly how you feel. It's only been a year since your mother's death and you aren't ready to see him with someone else yet. How long have they been dating?

I think they've been dating since about 2 or 3 months after mom's death - so a little over a year now. It's a long distance relationship. She doesn't live in the country, so they talk on the phone a lot. I know for sure that he's gone to see her a few times in the last six months or so, but she was calling everyday since before mom's funeral.

 

My dad is shoving his new girlfriend down my throat as well. I've only met her twice and he's already shouting in front of her for me to give her a hug goodbye when I leave. Don't get me wrong, I think she's very nice, but I've only met her twice, so I don't think that type of affection that you'd give another family member is quite appropriate yet.

 

I'm so sorry your dad is forcing affection on you. I don't think that's right. Insisting on intimacy before you're ready isn't right. I know if my dad insisted I hug Pushy, I wouldn't do it. For sure, I know dad isn't trying to replace my mom with a new one. I'm old enough that I don't need another one. I think he's just really giddy and excited that he found a woman. And like you, I had a mom. She was the best mom a girl could ever ask for. I know that dad's girlfriend has been all excited with, "what I should bring when I meet your daughter".

 

It's not stupid, darling, it's love.

 

Take your time grieving and honour your feelings - and your beloved mum's memory - in whatever way feels right for you.

 

Lois, thanks so much for your kind support. It's nice to know that even silly things like not moving mom's clothing are common. I sometimes think it might be nice to take pieces of my mom's favourite outfits and do a quilt or something with them (though I'd have to learn how to quilt).

[pink_sugar]

 

I know that dad's girlfriend has been all excited with, "what I should bring when I meet your daughter".

 

 

This actually reminds me of one of my dad's ex girlfriends I met at my sweet 16...her present to me was $100 and it was the very first time I met her.

[Ingenue]

This actually reminds me of one of my dad's ex girlfriends I met at my sweet 16...her present to me was $100 and it was the very first time I met her.

 

That seems a bit inappropriate doesn't it? What was she expecting you to do? Hug her and proclaim your fondness for her? Or maybe buy/bribe her way into your heart? What did you end up doing? Just accept it and say thank you?

 

For me my dad's girlfriend's preoccupation with buying some gift reeks of insincerity. She's been asking what to bring since two months after my mom's death. You'd think someone would be more concerned about giving a daughter time to grieve over her mother's passing than buying useless junk and insisting on meeting her so soon. But then, I'm not my her and I don't know what she's thinking. Maybe I could suggest that her gift to me would be not to insist on meeting me and not being offended when I don't.

[turnera]

I suggest you write his girlfriend a letter and send it to her. Tell her that you're happy for them, but the grieving process is just too strong for you right now and you need more time. Tell her you know that she must be a nice person because your dad wouldn't pick otherwise, so you know she'll understand your need for more time.

 

She'll show it to your dad, so that's covered, too.

[Ingenue]

I suggest you write his girlfriend a letter and send it to her. Tell her that you're happy for them, but the grieving process is just too strong for you right now and you need more time. Tell her you know that she must be a nice person because your dad wouldn't pick otherwise, so you know she'll understand your need for more time.

 

She'll show it to your dad, so that's covered, too.

 

turnera - a good idea. I'm sure most people would understand the need for time when put that way. Unfortunately I don't know her exact address and only know she lives outside of the country. Also, she doesn't speak any English, nor can she read it either. That's why I'm so puzzled why she'd be offended if I don't meet her. It's not like we could communicate on any meaningful level.

[turnera]

Then just email it to your dad and ask him to give it to her.

 

And then drop the subject.

[Ingenue]

So, I've given it some thought. I was ready to have a discussion with my father today to let him know that I just wasn't in a good mental space. Then, I bit my tongue.

 

I decided that while I may not be emotionally or mentally in a space to see him with his girlfriend, he is and wants me to meet her. So I am going to meet her, only for my father. He is older and he needs this. Maybe he doesn't have the time that I need to grieve.

 

So even if meeting her is going to put me 10 steps back in my grieving process, it will be for a good reason - because I love my dad. If life progresses the way it's supposed to, and I suffer a huge setback, I'll still have years (I hope it's not years) to work through the grief, while my dad can move on in the limited time he has.

 

My mom always taught me to be generous with my love and to be kind. So as much as this pains me to do, I am going to meet her. I'm going to think of it as a way of honouring the lessons my mother taught me and giving my dad the love and support he needs.

 

Hopefully I don't cry at the table and break down because I'm already crying just typing this. Fingers crossed.

[whichwayisup]

I think you do need to tell him that you're doing this for him and that you still are not fully ready to meet his girlfriend, and that it's going to be hard for you. I DO hope he respects you enough to understand or at least try to understand where you're coming from, and for him to know that this is painful.

 

Don't just go to make him happy so you will suffer more. Kindness or not, there are times one MUST put themselves first, especially if meeting her and being around them is going to set you back.

[turnera]

Why don't you arrange for a cup of coffee, not a full-blown meal? That way, it's only 15 minutes. You can arrange to be needed somewhere else afterward. (like at a friend's house, where you can go cry)

[ON MY OWN]

First of all, I wanted to say that I am really sorry about your loss. Also, I hve taken grief counseling in school and have learned some valuable stuff regarding grief, mourning, and bereavement. There is NO time. Dont ever let anyone feel your feelings are too slow. Gosh, its only been a few months and losing your mother is a significant loss. Considered one of the top stresses one can ever have. I would be honest and just say that its nothing personal on him or her but that you are just not ready. When you are ready you will let him know and maybe you guys can do lunch or coffee/tea. I dont know if he will make other arrangements for just the family to have a Christmas dinner and special time for the holiday...I would hope you guys could come to terms on something. A letter is a great idea also along with what I recommended, it is what your comfortable with and staying true to yourself and your feelings.

Edited November 28, 2012 by ON MY OWN

[darkmoon]

your the only one whose lost her mom recently, your not in the same place as either of the pair of them - i'd point that out to them, since they haven't quite noticed

-

Edited November 28, 2012 by darkmoon

[Ingenue]

whichwayisup & darkmoon - You're both right. I do need to inform him of why I'm going, rather than just staying silent. If I make it clear to him that I'm going only for him, at least my feelings are accounted for. Also, this way I can notify my father to tell his girlfriend that I in no way wish to accept a gift and that it's inappropriate that she give me one. This way, she won't bring one, and I won't have to be impolite and refuse it.

 

Turnera - I think coffee, while shorter in duration, would actually be harder since that would be one-on-one. This dinner is with many other people which could mean that I don't even have to sit anywhere near her. In a coffee situation, it seems so much more awkward.

 

On my own - Thanks so much for your advice regarding grief. I try to tell people that tell me I'm moving too slow that it's just my pace and the way I grieve. My mom actually died last year so I can see why they'd say I should be over it already. But you know how people who care about you are. They just want you to move on quickly. One of my uncles told me that I need to stop wearing black because that's evidently all I wear.

 

I had actually reached a peace about seeing her for him. But now I'm reconsidering all over again.

[2sure]

So many times in life we have good reason to not do or face what is painful or difficult. Finding the courage to face it fatten means doing it for someone else. Once it is done, it will be over, and no longer looming. That's a good thing.

[turnera]

fwiw, I lost my mom 3 years ago, and she was 76, and I still haven't gotten over the loss! No more advice from her, no more hugs, no more praise (lol)...

 

Ingenue, it is NOT YOUR JOB to make other people happy. Ok? Not your job. If you needing time is what you need, then it's what you need. Anyone PUSHING you beyond that is SELFISH, insensitive, and NOT showing love for you.