Meeting dad's new girlfriend

[FitChick]

It sounds like this girlfriend is looking for a Green Card.

[Ingenue]

Just as an update if any of you are interested. I had the dreaded dinner with her.

 

I had reached a sense of internal peace that I was meeting her because I loved my dad and I was trying to be understanding. I had a rational discussion with him in which I told him of my hesitation in meeting her. He still wanted me to meet her.

 

I should have listened to all of you and said screw it and not done it. It was terrible. I don't mean the dinner itself. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. But as I sit here crying, I realize that my fears of not being emotionally ready were fully realized. It's out of the way but it's not something I care to repeat anytime soon. If this happens again next year, I'll just flat out say no.

 

Seeing him with another woman, and catering to her like some giddy schoolboy made me nauseous. Seeing her share her soup, or her hold his shirt cuffs, or him escort her to the washroom was just too much. And, he had the audacity to criticize my mother, his dead wife, at the dinner table for one of her quirks and he did it in a joking way like it was supposed to be funny. I was seething with rage. She is the complete opposite of my mother. She's materialistic, and shallow, with make-up caked on. Thankfully I didn't lose it at the table, but the minute I stepped into my own place, I broke down in tears.

 

Maybe he doesn't realize how hard the holiday season is without mom. Or maybe he realizes and just doesn't give a damn about it.

 

I wish I had listened to all of you who warned me to listen to my own gut.

[coffeebean201]

Moments like this are when it is nice to have a sibling to help diffuse these pressure points.

 

My point is that deflecting is a great skill. Obviously your dad is still going to be a part of your life, and here is hoping that meeting him in neutral locations and maybe inviting a friend with you next time helps to diffuse some of the awkwardness until things settle down.

 

Your dad still needs you and will continue to need you - as a friend - though at the moment - he doesn't realize it.

 

Sounds like this woman is going to test your patience.

[Lois]

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.

 

They were both very insensitive and should be ashamed.

 

I'm so very sorry, darling.

[Radu]

My dad died 2yrs ago too. My mom doesn't want to remarry.

Both my mom and dad were not religious but they did believe in some form of God, and my mom knows that she will meet my dad in Heaven because he was a very good man.

I did not have a good relationship with him since i was 14, he was as I was introverted and neither of us knew how to bond after that age.

We have given some clothes away, but only to close family friends.

We have not removed pictures, or his things and we pursued all of the ppl that loaned stuff from him for those things back.

In fact, a few months ago i made a big case because someone was careless with his wine clippers which he inherited from his greatgrandfather.

 

I still don't know what to say when i tell strangers that and they say 'oh, i'm so sorry' ... my first thought is 'you haven't met him, that's a bit insencere'.

 

I wish i had found this thread before you met her, i would have been one more voice for you to not do this.

Reading the first few posts you made in this thread, i had the impression that your dad was a jerk, an *******, someone who took your mom for granted.

While i don't know what your mom's and dad's ages were/are, i can tell you that after a certain age there are more eligible men than women, so that is probably one of the reasons why she moved so fast.

 

It sounds like these 2 jerks are a match, and his entire family sounds dysfunctional if his sister made this happen.

Some piece of work your aunt is.

 

And just my personal opinion ... even though you are an adult now, i don't think he is a good father.

[Ingenue]

Thanks for all of the supportive comments!

 

Coffeebean - you're right that she's going to try my patience. So is my father. I think he lacks a certain emotional intelligence and sensitivity ever since my mom died. He wasn't like this before and now it seems his entire personality is changing (for the worse).

 

Lois - Thanks. I guess it's just going to take some time to adjust to this all

 

Radu - My father was actually very loving to my mother and he cared for her in her time of illness. This whole insensitivity has only emerged post-mom's death, specifically since he started dating the gf. It's why I'm so baffled. He was never like this when I was growing up. She is a piece of work. What I will agree is that his family is entirely dysfunctional, particularly his "sister". She's a loathsome character who has always disrespected my mom, and continues to do so with her actions.

 

~~~

Now, since it's been a few days since the dinner, I have to admit that it's only gotten worse. I'm filled with so much unidentifiable rage, not just sadness and disappointment, but actual rage. This is all rather unusual for me since I'm a pretty mellow person. Also, in light of recent other events regarding my father and his gf, it just makes me more angry. Not entirely certain how to process it all, except that my first instinct is to just not bother with anything in the holiday spirit since I've officially got none since all of this took place. (And I do know I'm sounding irrational and whiny. I just needed to rant a bit).

[turnera]

You need to write him a letter and explain all this. For BOTH your sakes.

[FitChick]

Is she a mail order bride?

[FitChick]

You can kiss your inheritance goodbye.

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to totally avoid your dad and his lady friend (though she ain't a lady at all!) and just focus on your own life and friends, other family members. Your dad is a complete idiot, and reading how he acted, how they acted, made me feel sick. I can imagine how awful it was for you.. So proud that you went but now you're suffering because of it. Your mom would have been very proud of you too, to try to suck it up and go for your fathers sake. Though I do think she'd be totally pissed and ashamed of his behaviour and of course his choice in a partner.

 

Ignore the rude posters on here.

[Ingenue]

turnera - A letter would be a great idea, but I'm reluctant to do so because rationally speaking to him did little. I have serious doubts that a letter would achieve successful results. I think he's just putting himself first over all else, and he's allowed to do that. It's just disappointing because it's not consistent with his personality, or what I was raised to do.

 

Fitchick - She's not a mail order bride. She's a friend of his sister's, though doesn't speak a word of English. She doesn't even live in the same city as my father.

 

whichwayisup - hugs. I'm okay with not feeling that great emotionally and mentally. I'm glad that he's happy, but I suppose it comes at a cost to me. I think you're right that for my own sake, I just need to put some space between us, at least until I'm okay with everything. As the days tick down to Christmas, I can't help but be saddened by everything this holiday season is.

ilikenamitha - I've not once told or instructed what my father can or cannot do. I've never raised my voice. I've never yelled at him. I've never done anything that I define as a "challenge". In fact, I want my father to be happy. I even told him that he's his own person and can date whomever he wants. I simply told him MY reservations about meeting his new girlfriend and that the only reason I was going to meet her was because I loved him (out of some sort of filial piety). Most parents when hearing that their children aren't emotionally ready might not insist upon a meeting. But notice that I went to the dinner because I'm trying to put him before me, as I've always done throughout my entire life. During the dinner, I simply put my head down and ate, again not questioning his actions. Perhaps you could elucidate on how my actions are challenges?

[FitChick]

Maybe you can have her deported.